It's better today

 Evening

Because I thought I would be awake all night with self hate thoughts all about how fat I am etc, so I got off my butt and managed 15mins of exercise in my pyjamas, I just did weights so I wouldnt make myself hot and sweaty all over again. I felt better for making the effort to do. And boy was it EFFORT

I enjoyed playing pokemon last night, felt like the best part of my day

I actually slept last night much to my relief.

This morning it felt like a better day. I think I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday! So yeah today felt better. I got my stew on and went to school

school was ok, I made some acid up - something I havent done for a while to be honest. But I was fine doing it. I got my day done

I had lunch with mummy and Oz. She made cakes and bought me some. after she left at almost 2pm....I went for an hour's sleep. Must have needed it as I fell straight to sleep.

When I got up I hung washing out, made biscuits, did some painting and got my painting finished! I am pleased with it. Its a lot more simple than I had planned but I like it and didnt want to add any more detail as I was worried about ruining it.

Jack came home and I dished the stew up which was soooooo good we loved it. I can cook ^^

after dinner I did 23 mins of exercise. Had a quick bath and just doing my diary. I will watch anime with Jack then go play pokemon in bed ^^ We started watching Rwby last night. I havent seen it but Jack has and the animation is so weird. I hope I can get used to the animation style.

tomorrow

school and sometime in the afternoon or evening my new windows and doors will be delivered. Jack has hopefully made enough room in the garage tonight.

shaved a bunny

 Evening

ahhhh I am so dead right now. I know I have exercise to do yet too -____-

Last night there was tears. Not many, but tears nonetheless. Just sat in bed contemplating the reason of my existence, when was the last time I was actually happy? what would make me happy? why do I keep going? whats the point in it all? humans are terrible creatures. Each day I have hear about people being unkind, murders, screwing people over, suffering.  Just everything in life feels crap at the moment. 

So I cried a bit, and was up til 11:30pm with Jack - which is late for me

I had nightmares and woke up many times. So yeah I wasnt feeling it this morning. I didnt want to go work but I also didnt want to work from home. To be honest I couldnt tell you what it is I do actually want to do. What would have made me happy in that moment and what would make me happy now

school was a slog. It felt a real effort to wear my daily mask. I somehow got on with it but if I could avoid people or conversations - I did. By literally walking away.

I left work and I had told mum that I was no company today and just wanted to eat and go to bed.

I got home and had lunch with my loaf, then he went on his plush pad for his afternoon sleep - his routine since I became part time XD I went to bed myself but not even for an hour as I was aching a lot. I got up and saw to Oz. But bless him hes just so warm. I was looking at him slightly panting and all he was doing was laying down. hes wearing his winter coat in 23c humidity. He cant breathe.

so at 3pm today I shaved my bunny >< i scooped him up and put him on some kitchen towel on the kitchen side and I began to use him clippers on him. I went at his backside as thats where he is shedding - just not fast enough, then I blended it into his waist as I didnt want to shave him all! His fur is so dense!!! now I have clipped him you have a real appreciation of how insulating rabbit fur is. Insane. He must have been suffocating. All I wanted to do was help him. I have NEVER clipped an animal before. But Oz he just sat there and let me do it almost like it was a relief for him and he knew I was trying to help. I popped him outside when I had finished and I was expecting him to flick his feet at me in disgust and to run a mile. But no. He was doing zoomies and binkys it was very cute. He looked happy if I am honest. Much to my surprise! But its weird seeing him right now as his back is white as its his under fur thats visible. I need to take a photo

I feel like I have managed to help him and provided him with a bit of comfort and relief. Good to know I can clip if I need to. I just didnt want to go crazy straight away

I was in the kitchen for 2 hours. doing tonights dinner and tomorrow's stew. Yeah it took me a while. I was trying to save Jack doing stuff but also because I am not at sitting and relaxing. Things I do feel pointless and meaningless. So doing the food made me feel productive and useful. 

However when Jack came home I got a bit of a telling off (in a loving non-shouting way) he says theres no point in me being part time if I am just gonna be doing stuff all the time and working myself to death in the kitchen. its true but I am struggling. I am not good and chilling out and being kind to myself. I hate myself a lot lately.

after dinner I laid curled on my bed with Hammington. I just couldnt be bothered with anything. I was too tired for exercise. Having a bath felt like a real effort too.

Tomorrow 

school and maybe seeing mummy if she wants to see me. I hope Oz manages to sleep with less of a coat on. We could tell the rat had been back so I had to block its walk way even further as it had dug the stones away I put there yesterday! jesus

we gotta rat

 Evening

It took me a while to sleep last night, I was anxious about work. I woke up a few times too

this morning I didnt wanna go. I just wasnt sure what I was doing at work

Work was ok tho

we put out our lessons for the day in the morning then it was pretty much just me and Jack in a lab doing chemical disposal. I was making up litre after litre of sodium carbonate to neutralise the nitric acid. I was SHATTERED trying to keep up with demand! Jack kept saying to take a break but I didnt as he was literally drinking my sodium up so I didnt want to let him down. But it was hurting me to stand when I finished my shift.

I got home and had lunch with mum and went bed. Exhausted.

when I got up I sat and had a brew and then did some painting. I made Donburi for the first time when Jack came home, it was ok I guess. Bit too oniony for my liking tho but I would probably eat it again.

I mentioned to Jack that 2 weeks ago, I thought Oz was getting through his food dish pretty quick each day but thought as he was shedding he was needing more calories? so I didnt think much of it. But then we finished a bag of food rather fast too. So I wondered "is something eating his food out his dish whilst hes playing out?" so today I took note of how  much food was left in his dish and when I came back to it - having kept Oz in the lounge with me today - the dish was empty....

something was indeed going into his empty open cage and helping themselves.

After dinner we went into the garage with Oz to move the spare guinea hutch ready for the girls to come stay on thursday night. Upon moving stuff around I shouted "RAT!!"" it was there!!! after only having solved the puzzle today did I actually see it! jack didnt get chance to see it. So yes we have a rat. First it was a mouse now a rat. Great. I looked into the cabinet it dove beneath, to find loads of rat droppings....ewww. So thats it then. We found where its getting in and out and I am gonna go block it up once Oz has gone home. Hopefully the rat has left the garage by now. Dont really wanna block it in under that cabinet...I will have to then shut Oz's cage up all the time - making it so Oz cant go home - not that he does often to be honest. I will have to have him often to top him up with food and drink.

its not a total disaster as there doesnt look to be a nest, Oz isnt harmed by the rat or got fleas from it or anything like that. So could be a lot worse. Just something else to deal with. I am hoping by making food not assessable and run ways blocked off, that the rat will leave. I do not want to poison or kill.

I did 10mins of my new 2kg weights and boy can I feel it!!! dear god thats heavy.... and only 20kg....Theo's weights are 20kg....each.... T^T I dont wanna be like that tho XD

tomorrow

school and normal school day too, but next monday will be another disposal day.

Humidity is kicking off

 Evening

I didnt sleep well last night as I was aching. It was also quite humid. Jack was throwing himself and moaning and groaning in his sleep. I think he was hot. I was hot. So I couldnt sleep and got up, had fruit loaf, did some painting and yeah before I knew it it was midnight. I slept  pretty well after that

I woke up at 7:30am and bought Oz in, I left Jack to sleep. I had breakfast with Oz and when I popped to the toilet I left the lounge door open. Then whilst on the toilet I thought I could hear rabbit feet...then I heard jack greeting Oz. Turns out Oz had walked into the bedroom, found Jack and gone to wake him up!! He hasnt been in the bedroom this year and I found it surprising he had the confidence to just go in and see Jack. Clearly he wanted Jack X3 so he got plenty of fuss from the pair of us this morning. 

I managed 35mins of yoga this morning, I was so achy so I thought it would help matters

We went shopping which was fine, same old. We unpacked and had a brew. Then Jack went outside to garden with Oz. I was cooking meat and biscuits and prepping fish for tonight

my parents dropped over a few goodies they picked up for us and drove off

we had lunch then I sat and did some painting but I was really struggling to sit,  I just ached and it was bothering me. I laid on my bed for an hour. 

When I got up I did some more painting, bought a few clothes off ebay. A top tip - buy your winter wear in spring/summer! Its so much cheaper!! so I have ordered a new coat well its 2nd hand but worn twice. Much cheaper than buying new in winter....

my painting is coming along tho, its different to my usual stuff but hopefully it will turn out ok

I am gonna have an early bath soon as Jack wants to go game with Harvey and theo at 7pm. I will not rush my sunday bath for them tho >.> they can be late at times. So I will be by myself gaming in bed tonight. Got the garden to water later as it never really rained today despite it saying it was gonna rain. It is humid again tho. I hate this about the UK its so muggy even in peak summer - humid heat. I feel sorry for Oz who is still wearing his winter coat....

tomorrow is school, suppose to be thunder showers too! Bring on the humidity -_____-

we are having a day in a lab sorting out acids. So I will ether be making acid, disposing of acid or making the chemical to dispose acid with. Not sure which one Jack is getting me to do yet

Need more cranberry juice

 Evening

Jack's mum decided to give him a ring last night at 9pm so I got ready for bed and played pokemon by myself til 9:30pm when Jack joined me.

I slept pretty well and needed a huge wee when I woke up, a huge burning wee -______-

This morning I cleaned my chunk out, I cleaned the bathroom, I made both our lunches, I tidied up and kept Jack company a bit in the garden. Tiring morning! After lunch my body was shaking from exhaustion so I laid on my bed for 2 hours in and out of sleep. I got up and did a bit of painting but I didnt want to spend my afternoon painting away, it didnt feel productive enough somehow.

So I got up and went to see mum and I stayed with her for 2 hours, we sat with the girls, I trimmed truffs fur and she had bought me a lil rabbit coaster too

I came home at 6pm and did dinner and now I am doing diary before I go for my bath. I cant wait for a bath to be honest! feel a bit grim. Might do my nails tonight too~

i do feel a bit better today and my wee hasnt burned so maybe the cranberry juice is helping. Maybe I should get some more tomorrow?

Tomorrow just food shop and a bit of cooking to do

On the Cranberry juice

 Evening

We were like a pair of old people last night! I was so looking forward to playing Pokemon in bed. but by 9:20pm we turned the switchs off and went to sleep. We couldnt stop yawning and felt tired. I am sure its that patchouli oil!!! Im not using tonight as I wanna play pokemon. Jack fell asleep instantly. Took me a bit longer but a much better night than yesterday.

I was able to go school today as I didnt feel as bad as yesterday. I woke up to find two big house spiders battling it out in the corner of the room tho....not something you see. Jack managed to hoover one up, the other made a dive for the floor boards. Best not to think what lives under there... 

school was boring. The year 13 and year 11 have left now so there was lots of celebrations going off. 

I received a txt message from doctors saying they wont be giving me any more antibiotics....so just suffer then? I told my mum and she said she would pop in a chemist for me and ask their opinion

I left and came home to find mum putting the girls in the garden

we had lunch together, she had brought me some cranberry juice as she asked the pharmacy does it help or is if a myth? the lady said it does help. Mum also bought me this powder stuff you mix in water to drink for cystitis all it does it help neutralise you wee so its not as acidic and doesnt burn. She also said I gotta drink shed loads to literally flush it out my system. So much more help than doctors. But cranberry juice isnt my kinda thing, but that cystitis stuff is gross!!! I down it holding my nose.

Mum went into the garden for 2 hours. And I joined her. I tidied up the rhubarb plant and I sat with mum keeping her company. It was nice weather  out and I just enjoyed being outside. I got cuddles with the girls before they went home. Oz was helping too it was very cute.

she left and I bought Oz in with me and he sat on plush pad, I had a brew and sat with my laptop and watched videos and looked at recipes for Donburi. I did 15mins of weights which was enough. I ran a bath so I was in the bath when Jack got in. He had it after me and we ate dinner in pyjamas which I always like doing. 

So its 6:45pm and we have the rest of the evening to our selves. Jack has gone to nerd out upstairs and I think I will do ether painting or digital art. I just chose designs for my nails this week which I will do saturday. I also did shopping list. So yeah its hobby time

tomorrow, not got anything on really. I think Jack wants to garden. He might apply for jobs as he didnt get to the next round for that job he interviewed for on weds.

i will have more cranberry juice before bed and another gross drink T^T 

load of help that was

 Evening

did not sleep well at all. So yesterday was fluke I guess

I laid in bed aching but like a poorly ache. It was also stinging down there...

whilst we were trying to get to sleep I whispered "My Fanny is on fire" Jack burst out laughing and then said how unpleasant it must be for me

I got up and was up til 12:30am I just felt like death, my stomach was like an orchestra 

This morning when I woke up I just knew I couldnt cope with the day. I had a banging headache, I was shivering despite it really not being cold (was sweating last night tho) I ached and felt so so tired. Jack asked me to stay off sick but I chose to work from home instead. I couldnt bare another day off.

So this meant Jack would need to drive himself to and from work today for the first time! He was a lil nervous but knew he'd be fine.

He went off to work, I died on toilet then started my work.

I took regular breaks and had my loaf in too. I worked on making notes for the display and also did the title digitally for another display. I feel given how crap I felt, that I got a lot done. I went to bed as soon as I finished lunch and slept for almost 2 hours. I was dead.

I felt better for some sleep tho I have to say

So then I was with my loaf and worked on Jack's painting. I got it finished! I am happy with it and can't wait to show him....all the way on his birthday....in August....

good achievement tho ^^ I can start my next painting. I shall stash the painting away til august

In the end I decided I would ring the doctors as it was becoming clear, no one was gonna ring me. The receptionist said that my 2nd urine test came back fine. I said "I still very much have symptoms" he said "I will leave a note with the doctor and ether you will get a call or txt about further treatment. Might be you get some more antiobiotics" I have been left like this a week. Would have hurt to have just given me some more antibiotics!? Its not nice!! I feel poorly and horrible. So yeah I feel like I have gone through a lot of pointless crap. I still havent heard anything and its 7pm. Looks like I wont here til tomorrow now!!!!! This is gonna be another weekend ruined at this point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later on in the afternoon I laid in bed playing on pokemon. I was just so done. Jack was late leaving school as he had stayed behind for warhammer club again....the nerd.

I did dinner when he got home thank god it was easy. jack said I looked like death. I feel it!

I am not exercising today despite eating loads today - being round the house when youre hungry is lethal. My body poorly aches so I dont wanna make it worse and I feel like death. I am gonna have a bath and an early night.

tomorrow

its friday, I best hear from a doctor

I hope to go into school too, I dont enjoy working from home