putting myself down, getting upset cus I am hungry and tired

 Yo~nn

I was struggling last night. I was looking at jobs and decided I couldnt do any of them due to my health or even if I did get the job that they would be disappointed me as Id no doubt have time off cus of my health. Then in bed I started doubting myself as a technician. Saying I was crap and a let down in the team. Jack cuddled me and told me how good I was as a technician. Bless him, its always me in the relationship with the emotional breakdowns, making his tshirt wet with tears. He said "I feel you have a lot more to be upset about than me. Youre poorly after all" hes so understanding and amazing. 

At the end of the day I was simply tired and hungry. Thats what triggered all this off -____- not my proudest moment. I had to get up for more pain killers as being upset ramped up my pain and my head was killing me.

this morning I woke up 10mins before my alarm so I woke Jack up with a cuddle. Kinda didnt feel like going school ><

school was ok tho. I got a txt from Julia saying her cat had broke its leg last night so she was having to take him to the vets. So we covered for her. She came in at 10am and her phone rang - the vets saying she needed to collect her cat and take him to a specialist vets to have plates put in his leg. Poor kitty. So glad she has pet insurance as its costing £4000.....eye watering

so she went and never returned cus she needed to get across town in a taxi

I went to see Lizi and the new art technician Kimberley! shes so lovely  and so young! shes 21 and from hong kong originally. I am glad shes wanting to be our friend ^^ Jack said she felt comfortable enough to come eat lunch with him and chris joined too. I was glad Jack hadnt been alone all afternoon

I had lunch with mummy then went to bed, woke up at 3:15pm. I went for a 20min walk I wanted to g longer but that was the most I could manage. I have zero energy!

I got back and made Jack's lunch for tomorrow again. I dont have to but I like to try make his life easier and he says I always make tasty lunch ^^ i love doing things for him.

I then made a start on dinner as I was hungry and wanted to eat as soon as jack came through the door.

I really should do some art but unsure what to do and I am so tired. Maybe I should just be grateful I am back at work instead of putting extra stress on myself.

I will go for my bath now

Oz is cute. I love him. I spend so much time with that bun. I hope Julia's cat will be ok

tomorrow school

I managed to return to school

 Evening

Im so hungry T^T I have been hungry allllll day TT^TT

I had a banana before bed as I was hungry. Woke up hungry. Everything I eat doesnt fill me for long. Food I fancy eating, I cant eat. The food I can eat doesnt fill or satisfy me. Life sucks >.>

so anyway, I slept thank god. As I was returning to work today

I wasnt too anxious ether so I could tell I was ready to return

I was warmly welcomed back but the department wasnt happy cus of who they have employed as our new head of department, that happened on friday. No one likes the decision but no surprise there. If youre a straight white male - youll get the job and the top jobs at that, at the school. Way it is. we all know it. sad isnt it.

So today my morning felt like a hard slog because I had zero energy. I got my jobs done tho - somehow. Then I was doing sitting down jobs that Jack gave me. Then chris came to talk to us which was nice as I havent seen him for weeks. He was telling me about new art tech and showed me a photo, she seems nice so I want to meet her ^^

I came home and saw mum for literally an hour whilst I ate lunch as I was so exhausted and in need of my bed. As soon as I went to bed I slept for almost 2 hours.

usually I would wake up and have a brew with Oz but no can do and I am not enjoying fruit teas.

so I grabbed my picnic blanket and grabbed my rabbit and went and did 30mins of yoga outside

I then did a load of food prep. Did tonights salad - meant I could snack on stuff - I did Jack's lunch and I prepped tomorrows dinner cus I need to put it in the slow cooker tomorrow

Jack is late coming home cus its war hammer day at school, hes on his way home and should be back just after 6pm. so  i am just waiting round for him.

I have zero energy or brain power for anything. I really should start some art work tho. not sure what tho!

tomorrow is school

I hope I can manage it

my diet is making life so damn difficult. It was kinda nice to be back. I wanna try not work from home tho as I dont like working from home. I think Oz coped with us both going to work today XD

Id kill for a brew already

 Evening

I cleaned the bathroom and painted my nails and played okami in bed. But I had a bad headache and stomach pains. At 10pm I went to get a cuddle from Jack, he soon came off his game with Theo - not cus I asked him to - but because they both had enough. Jack had been hyperfixating as he does on games, his eyes were bloodshot from not blinking and he hadnt moved in 3 hours....

It took me til 11pm+ to get off to sleep cus I was in a bit of discomfort

I woke up at 8am, I honestly wanted to sleep in longer but I knew I had pulled pork to put in the slow cooker T^T so I got up. Jack had been up half hour, entertaining the bunny XD

I didnt quite know what to do with my day. I needed to cook meat as I didnt have any breakfast so I sat cooking my meat and Jack's bacon for his lunches.

I asked him what to do today and he said he had a few chores to do and maybe not to push myself to go out. So we didnt go out which I am a bit sad about but I didnt have the energy. Think its my diet. Already I badly miss tea and sugar T^T this is so difficult I hate it. I just want chocolate and other bad things I cant have >.>

I decided to distract myself by going to see my mummy. I opened her front door to find her getting ready to go out. But she soon took off her shoes when she saw me. She was just taking the dog a walk I mean my dad I walk. Dad saw me didnt say a word to me. I sat in the living room with them both, he still didnt look or talk to me. 

I went upstairs to see my brother and it was nice to talk to him, took some stuff from my bedroom to bring here. Dad came up and into my room still didnt say anything. He was wondering round the house waiting to go out like a dog holding its lead. So I told mum I would go as we wouldnt be able to sit and chat cus he wouldnt allow for it. So I left. He saw me leaving but didnt speak to me

I got back and was wondering for an hour why is he like this? hes nicer to his customers than me. Heck he speaks more to the postman! what have I done!? to not speak to me. so rude. I dont want him at my wedding if I get married. What would be the point?

I had lunch with Jack then went on my bed for a couple of hours, I just had no energy, bad headache and tummy ache.

I got up and didnt know what to do so asked Jack if we could go out for a walk in the sun and he kindly came with me ^^ I was tired after that. We came in and had fruit tea then Jack hung my new painting up in the living room. I am pleased with it, got something to look at on that wall finally.

we did dinner together as it was salad and always quicker with 2 people. Jack pitied me for how little I had on my dish but literally because I cant have anything else! It wont be long now til I am starving I know it wont....im only on day 2 give it time. Not sure what snack I will take to school tomorrow

I will go have a pamper in the bath now :) 

tomorrow

I am going school for the first time in over 3 weeks....last school day was 14th september...as 15th I worked from home and 16th I had off in lieu! 

I hope I cope ok. I will take plenty of breaks as I will need them. I hope I dont burn out after one day. i know I have lost a lot of my stamina from being poorly for weeks!

Started my caveman diet

 Evening

I slept ok apart from waking up a lot. Think cus Jack was restless in his sleep, it was waking me up Miss.lightsleeper. We got up for food shopping anyway

I started my diet today, same diet caveman used to eat people say XD so pork for breakfast as all I had in. Jack weighed me too and took the scales away so I wont be tempted >< 

We went shopping, saw my mummy in the shop~ the shop was expensive because I needed more stuff for my diet kinda thing. Jack doesnt mind and rather I have actual food to eat.

We got home and I collapsed on my bed, I was honestly quite done in to be honest. But Jack motivated me in to actually making some soup for my lunch otherwise Id have no lunch! He kindly chopped up SO much veg including a pumpkin! So I have pumpkin soup for my lunch this week ^^ its really nice actually. Whilst it was cooking we cleaned out Oz together. I needed help with it

After lunch I went to bed for like 3 hours. Not to sleep for all of it but just rest. I felt like I had nothing to give. I was energyless. day 1 of diet huh DX 

I got up to find Jack and Oz asleep. Think the house must have been stuffy. So I motivated Jack and we went for a walk whilst the sun was out. Oz was booted out whilst we went for a walk. I was disappointed I hadnt been able to go to the shops I wanted to go to last weekend. But its no big deal really.

we got back and had a cup of herbal tea. I MISS TEA already XD I cant have milk or sugar and black tea with out milk and sugar is disgusting! so I am on herbal tea

I went to make dinner which was my omubeans. But I cant have BBQ sauce or beans so I had to go without - serve mine up - then add the usual stuff to Jack's dinner.  He enjoyed it. I didnt mind mine but it massively missed the BBQ sauce.

Then I trimmed Jack's hair he needed a sheer. Hes had a shower and gone to game with Theo. I will go shower then probably clean the bathroom. I will do my nails tonight as well. Might as well busy myself as I am alone. I am glad hes playing with Theo tho

tomorrow

might go shops but depends on how I feel. Got a load of food to cook as per usual for a sunday

I must say, I have not had crippling stomach ache today!!!!!!!!!!!!! first time since August. its nice to feel the rewards straight away. I have had a bit of pain but nothing compared to how its been. I have til christmas to do this. When I go on holiday I will try to stick to my diet as much as I ca but will be difficult as I wont have much control over my food. 

just hope I dont drop too much weight. I have weight to lose but I dont wanna lose loads and look sickly again...

My hellish Paleo diet starts tomorrow

 Evening

God I could not sleep last night, I couldnt lay down without being in horrendous pain in my intestines. So I was up til 2:15am. I did keep going back to bed to try sleep but the pain was far too much. I was up playing okami and watching youtube. All very dull when you just want sleep!

I hit the alarm to shut up at 6am and fell back to sleep, didnt even register that Jack left the house. I needed sleep. I woke up at 9am. My stomach still hurting. 

I got ready and mum picked me up at 11am. We went to a garden centre. We ordered tea and cake. It took AGES to come. seriously I have cooked meals in less time. I got a milky bar brownie it was SOOOO sweet, I couldnt finish it so I wrapped it up and took it home for Jack to consume. We looked round a bit of the garden centre but not all of it as Id had enough. I was also having a hot sweat. I got a new oil for the diffuser and some more cacti soil.

Mum dropped me off home

I didnt have lunch til 2pm as I didnt feel like it and couldnt face settling my stomach off. I ate it and there was that pain! I sat doing some drawing as I wanted to plan out some art work. I laid on my bed for an hour. But once Jack came home I knew Id have food to do, food to EAT

I honestly couldnt face my dinner and mum gave me homemade cakes too. And whilst these past few days I have been over eating trying to enjoy food and put weight on, I just couldnt bring myself to eat dinner. I knew I wouldnt be able to get out of it. I ate and yup I have the dreadful pain that I wont escape from now til when I fall asleep tonight. Wonder if I will be able to sleep? Its like laying on a brick, its a dull bruised pain that you cant escape from 

So tomorrow I am starting my diet in the hopes to take away some inflammation before I go away with Jack. I have meat in the fridge for breakfast. I am not looking forward to the diet but it am looking forward to not being in pain, digesting properly, not having a noisy uncomfortable stomach, sleeping without discomfort and actually getting energy from my food.

We did say we would go out for cake tomorrow me and Jack but not sure I want to. I have had enough of food. I will get him to weigh me in the morning before the weekly food shop

I hope the food shop doesnt tire me out for the rest of the week like it did last week -_____-

so yeah I start tomorrow :/ its not easy or fun but gotta be done. luckily I have plenty of weight on me so when I drop weight I wont go boney. First time I did the diet I could see my ribs! 

wish me luck~

going for my last bit of cake tomorrow

 Evening

I am still just getting better

mummy is gonna take me out for cake tomorrow :) making the most of food before my diet starting at the weekend T^T

Thats all~

oh I got trim truffs today and she was good girl

yesterday we had had the girls 3 years ^^

finished my painting today too~

So poorly yesterday that I threw up - first time in 14 years!

 Evening all~~

so yesterday I was not good

I achieved NOTHING with my day

I was the same old in the morning, saw mum for lunch, did a short walk with her. Felt exhausted and dizzy and had zero brain cells. But all morning and afternoon my thermostat was broken - I was having so many hot sweats followed by goosebumps. Also I was STARVING like nothing touched my stomach. I ate and ate and ate, followed each and everytime going to the toilet!

 

then at 2:45 I suddenly felt poorly. I was in my jumper and thick joggers, in my winter dressing gown under my duvet which had a fleece blanket over the top. I had my laptop playing next to me videos on youtube to do with food.

I was aware I was dripping with sweat but I couldnt bare to get cold and I had goosebumps. I felt very poorly. I wanted to eat as I felt starved but I couldnt tell you what food I would want to eat. I watched endless food videos.

Jack came home at 4:30pm to find me in the same position with tears running down my face. I didnt know what to do with myself. I just wasnt well. I could tell Jack was worried. Eventually at 5pm I picked myself up, knowing dinner wouldnt happen without me. Luckily it involved microwaving 2 things and making 1 omelette so it was simple enough.

I ate the food knowing I would end up in the bathroom afterwards. But I couldnt go as I dont think, after 8 times, I had anything else to give!

I wanted something refreshing and found pure orange juice in the fridge.

I drank a glass whilst Jack was doing the washing up

as soon as I drank it I thought "I shouldnt have had that"

I walked in to the bathroom feeling sick

said to Jack "Jack I feel sick"

then next thing I knew I had my head in the toilet and chucked up 3 times

bye bye dinner

Now I havent been sick since July 2008. Very specific date huh. Thats because I remember it so well, I had caught a dreadful sickness virus from  my mum and missed my art GCSE! Luckily I was able to sit it a week later. But I have not been sick since then no matter how many times I spat into the toilet thinking and feeling I was gonna chuck up, I never did. Despite the amount of medication I have been on and my bad anxiety. I am good at keeping my guts in. I also dont drink so I have no alcohol fuelled vomit to speak of.

I honestly thought the next time I would be sick, because it has been so long, that I would go into shock or cry or have some sort of reaction.

I threw up 3 times, sat on the floor in the bathroom and felt this instant calm and relief wash over me. I felt SO much better for being sick. It was instant relief.

Jack doesnt do sick he says if he sees it or is near it he will also be sick. So once he heard I had done he got me cold flannel and drink of water. He looked at me with concern and said "do you think we need to have you looked at?" I said "nah I wil be fine" of course I was slightly concerned as to what the hell was wrong with me but I knew id get better, right? ^^;

so I rested but the adrenaline wore off and I felt rotten again, my stomach aching from being sick.

I managed to have a bath then I asked Jack to do my meds

He said "Jo you didnt take your morning medication, its still in your pill pot".....oo...hh....

crap

well at least we know what was wrong with me! I was sweaty and shivery due to withdrawal!!! Not sure what the sickness was about and we will never know really.

So I caught up on my meds and felt better for that! the dizzyness and sweating went.

It took me til 11:30pm to get to sleep. Poor Jack had a gin, think I had stressed him out.

He came home to find me a sweaty shivering mess in the bed, threw up, looked like death

so today

I slept through the night and made sure once I was up I took my bloody meds! wasnt going through that again!

I felt better

honestly today I do feel more myself

I still get intestine pain when I eat but i havent had to go toilet today as I have nothing to give right now! so  today I spaced out my food as best as I could so not to overload my stomach all at once with food.

I managed some painting, I had 2 sleeps, when Jack came home we did a bit of a walk and got rained on T^T and i had booted Oz out whilst we went and he got wet! He doesnt have the common sense to go under cover....

so yes today I definitely feel much better! I am on the mend

we have talked about my stomach issues tho as I hurt each time I eat. So Jack would like me to go on the diet this coming week so I can maybe help my stomach before we go away as any pub food or desserts will finish me off. i cant wait to have a better tummy I must say.

so thats been me

I have ruined my 14 year record tho T^T hopefully I will improve from here. 

Tomorrow I am having a go with gold leaf on my painting and seeing mummy.

right now cus I know that diet is days away I am eating anything i damn well want! I am scoffing loads cus I will miss it so bad soon!!