It's like I'm at the bottom of a well

Evening

Last night was a repeat of last sunday night
I once again couldnt sleep and lay there aching
mum said she heard me sleep talking "why can't I sleep?" ><
I was quite tired come morning but it was a lovely bright morning
so that made it all feel better :)

School was alright really the child I care for
was very tired herself so it was difficult to get her work or stay on task
but the morning soon went

I came home and had cheese on toast
then did some dancing! I had a right fun time and sweated
so hopefully i will sleep tonight
then I layed out on my bed hoping i'd fall asleep before adam came over
no such luck, he'd worked hard to finish early for me ><

We played pokemon and I watched him play as well
he cuddled me and we talked about stuff
i went and got a shower then dressed for dinner
didnt bother with hair or make-up cus quite frankly i could not be arsed!!

I had fish pie, then shared a chocolate cake and ice cream with adam
it was good a lil pricey tho i have to say

just tired
i know im tired cus i struggle mentally
i struggled about how many calories must be in the food i was choosing for dinner
i struggle with adam (i hide it well)
its hard seeing someone so often cus im simply exhausted from work AND socializing 
realistically right now my body can only handle one or the other
but once again i push myself

I was trying to explain to mum the way i feel
i feel numb, ive never had fancy feeling for guys
its never ever been there almost like i was never given the hormone 
i feel like i'm in the bottom of a well by myself and adam is at the top extending his hand to me to join him in life and some days i latch onto that arm wanting to be part of a 'normal' life other days i feel like pushing the hand away and keeping to my loneliness not needing anyone
but surely if you like LIKE someone you should want to be with them all times right?
so why do i have moments of not wanting or needing anyone?
i feel its in my genes
my dad's side of the family - his uncle, his sister. never married no kids no relationships. nothing
just alone
and i refuse to let that become my future
i do not want to be alone
but im struggling to make that jump into life. and im not sure why im struggling....
anyway enough of that its depressing me

Tomorrow I have school then im FINALLY seeing mia for a walk i believe after she'd finished work. be good to actually see my lovely sister. prehaps she can talk some sense into me!
cus when i dwell on stuff for too long at the moment i find im holding tears back!

I got this make-up the other day
its a pink eyeshadow liner i use it to line my eyes. it's brand is Lioele and its really nice actually as it's subtle i will keep posting make-up as and when it comes!