I feel in a real bad mood right now
Not completely sure why ether...
Anyway my day started at 8:30am by mum bringing
pinks into my room and she nothing but talked so it woke me
but its nice to woken up by a piggie
I sat with the girls on my knee
then I went for a shower
I sifted through my fabrics as I want to make Karen some bunting
as a house warming present
I chose 15 different fabrics
then I got ready to go to my therapy session ugh
i arrived on time and was only waiting a few mins
I was her first appointment ^^
Didnt wanna be there
We talked about the homework she had set me
I had to write down my moods, what I was doing at the time etc
She went through it and spotted my patterns
First thing she said was
"colour coded?"
"yup"
"is this you?"
"oh very me I like colourful, I like to try and I like to be organized. Also I hate black ink"
"so if you were to make a mistake what would you do?"
"cross it out"
"you wouldnt have to start all over again?"
"god no its only writing its not like a piece of art work"
she was seeing how much of a perfectionist control freak I was XD
We talked about various things as you do
mainly college life and general life at 16-18 years old
talked about weight and my thoughts on that
my illness in general which did make me a bit upset
she could tell she'd touched on something
then she asked
"how does it make you feel to cry in front of others?"
"weak"
"weak? weak how?"
"i just see it as a weakness to cry in front of someone doesnt matter who"
"so crying is a weakness? but through you crying I can see that im starting to hit on subjects that have had an effect on your life. So isn't it a good thing you've cried?"
"no, because I would have told you anyway, its just talking with tears"
"just talking with tears. But can't crying make you feel better afterwards?"
"yeah it can but it can also make you feel quite crap as well"
"is it wrong to show emotion then? Are you a robot?"
"no no I can show and feel emotion and im not a robot I just dont see a use for crying"
To be honest I'd had enough, i hate talking about stuff and it was exhausting, just trying to phrase things is difficult at times. She told me I dont give myself permission to relax
So my 'homework' this week is to sit and read a Manga Book for 30 minutes
no distractions
no getting up
just READ and SIT
easier said than done for me
She asked me to do it today but I havent. I will get it done tomorrow
she says shes giving me 'permission' to just read for 30 mins
I have to write down my exact thoughts what go through my head whilst reading.
at the end of all my therapy sessions she says I should be able to just go and sit for 30mins off my own back instead of feeling like its task shes set me and that shes given me permission it needs to feel like ive given myself permission to just sit and relax and just be.
She said I need to do more of things I enjoy even though I may not get anything from it I just need to tune off and enjoy myself. i dont need to always find meaning from things.
I left there and drove straight to Adam's work place
we were originally going for lunch and a walk by the river
but I changed my mind I decided I wanted to go art shop for supplies
If i was to do more of what I enjoy then I need supplies!
So we had lunch at a cafe in the art shop
I picked up a few bits then I went Hobby Craft and picked up
probably the best colouring book I have ever seen
I always look at adult colouring books but I have never come across one
were Ive actually wanted to do it just cus its ether not my style or looks dull
but this really spoke to me
yup definitely my style
so days when im not feeling creative I'll sit and do this
I also picked up mini canvases!! I had no idea they came so small!!
So I brought 4 and then an A5 sketch book
I did go for A3 originally but its more work and I didnt wanna over face myself and put myself off with the amount of work. So we'll start small.
Originally we were going to my house but adam said he wanted to go to his
I didnt argue cus I wasnt bothered really
so we went to his and I asked why we had to come here
he told me because he wanted to take me out for cake :D
it was so sweet of him to do that for me I was really surprised
so we walked up to the shops and had a cake I couldnt finish it I was still full from lunch
was good tho
then we went shops as he wanted a few bits and pieces, he said to me
"hey Jo come look at this"
I walked over and he pointed at Condoms...and this is where I show my immaturity I looked away and walked away, he laughed and said "youve gone red" git. and it was walked away as well as he said I RAN away. did not >.>
stupid immaturity
stupid guys
he didnt buy any thank god
We got to back to his and sat with his dad a bit
I just cuddled adam really
then he cuddled me on his bed I was really tense and I had no clue why
I honestly didnt
and I looked at the confusion on his face and he asked what was up
but I wasnt sure what was up I just was flinchy and tense to his touch
kinda like how I was when we first went out
I eventually relaxed tho after 5-10mins
he said he didnt have to cuddle me but knew I wanted a hug and I did I just had to relax
im so stupid at times and I wanted to get rid of the confusion on his face
I came home eventually from adam's
he really made it hard to go literally
he wouldnt let go!!!
I cant fight with that strength
Went to yoga
I came back in a bad mood
i feel real peeved
I dont want to go school ether
I dont want dinner tonight
I dont want to go to bed
I dont know what I want to do
Let's get tomorrow out the way
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