The struggles with working

Evening~~

Im still alive
I havent taken another sleeping tablet and still not sleeping

anyway yesterday
I got up and bathed millie and alice as they smelt
I cleaned my room up
i danced
i had a shower and got ready i went and tried to look like a girl XD

to be honest my fringe was peeing me off so i decided to tie it up
take that fringe!
I made myself lunch then went to adams

the four of us went to a mini golf
i had started my new antidepressiants and were making me very wooly headed and sick and dizzy but somehow i managed to come 2nd!
we came home and i felt exhausted and had a brew
i cant really remember what else happened i just know I got a call from the agency about having work at a school potentially til 7th March but to work one to one with a special needs childs
needs that he couldnt seem to find out...
i agreed as it was work and was only 20min drive 
for the rest of the evening  i was then anxious 
my dinner didnt even go down as i was so churned up
just dont cope well at the moment
tiredness does that to people
but i wanted to push through i didnt want to give up
if i give up i may as well live in a hole my whole life
i will never achieve anything

i went home and mum said i looked awful
and i did i look zombiefied 
so i got my stuff ready for school, sat with Oz and showered then hit the bed
i woke up through the night
and i have been awake since 5:30am as once i woke up then my anxiety was kicking off

today anyway went alright

i cant say it was my most enjoyable job simply because i dont like working with special needs kids but i did and it was a long long day 8:15 - 4:00
i was shattered i felt poorly
i got home and talked to mum about what to do for the remaining days as i didnt feel i could keep it up for 2 weeks and i didnt enjoy it that much
she gave her opinion and even phoned dad to see his opinion
they said to give it another day
but when i thought about it i remembered that they said i could be looking after some polish AS WELL and apparently hes a real git
all in all i felt  couldnt cope
so i phoned the agency and told them
they gave me tuesday and wednesday at a lovely school i worked at before christmas
its a 30min drive but im fine with that i will get it done :)
so it worked out really well actually 
i am much relieved and my anxiety has lowered loads

i didnt want to give up work as it doesnt come by often
i pulled myself to pieces that if i was 'normal' i could breeze through it
i shouldnt feel so dead after 1 days work 
i need to get on with stuff and stop living in a bubble
but i tried and in stead its worked out in my favour
this time anyway
i cant afford to think i will be lucky every time 

so tomorrow i am off to a school ive been to before
to work all day in the youngest class 
it should be fine
just know i will be exhausted but its money ^^
something i live in constant shortage 
adam pays for a lot of my outtings but i dont like to do that
i really dont as i feel in debt to him
he assures me im not but i dont like people spending money on me
he works harder than me and it should be his money
never will be one of the girlfriends that makes the guy pay for every thing
and take it for granted 

i hope i sleep a bit tonight so i can survive tomorrow!