Evening Evening~~
Mite Mite~~~~
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have the ending!!!! Came in the post today
after 8 years of collecting I have the last book
I have been collecting since I was 18 and I was in college
I used to go on my lunch break to pick up the new copy
and since then just slowly been collecting and im so glad i can say i have the whole
series of Pandora Hearts as I love it!! DAISUKI!
brilliant series, the anime is alright but mangas just rule
so when i have finished reading Nura I will go to Pandora Hearts!
I have worked out that just 1 antidepressiant isnt enough to sedate me
as Im finding it hard to get off to sleep and to remain asleep
I had to get up like at 1:30am I still feel like pinks is in the living room
but I know shes not its kinda a habit to poke you head round the door
to see if she too is awake.
So this morning I had to get up
My stomach hurt and I was befriending the toilet then i went for a shower
and got ready to go into the city centre
I was early this morning so I popped into a couple of shops before I went to the agency
the agency building was massive but I was told they were out of interview rooms so would i like to conduct business in their office. So now Im in an office with 2 men
1 of which used to deal with me (but never met him) when he worked at a previous agency (that im still with) so it was good to actually see who it was who was speaking to me on the phone
I met the guy who was doing my interview
both were probably early 30s and we just laughed and joked through the whole thing
til one said "i promise you Jo we are a proper agency" XD
that was easy but they said ive got to the form online as they didnt have any paper copies to hand, so i said id do it when i got home. and i left
I then shopped for over an hour going all over the place
I did managed to pick up
2 x chokers for £2 each in the sales
some dried apple for mum and Oz for 90p
2 x pairs of joggers/jogging bottoms one for £8 (sale) £12.99 (non-sale)
I have been hunting for pajamas and joggers and I couldnt find pajamas they were rubbish
who, in April, wants to sleep in mini shorts and a vest/tank top!?
not me Im still sleeping with blankets!!!!
Well happy about the joggers tho as I only like wearing ones with writing on
hate plain ones
At lunch time I went to go meet adam at the bus stop i went to cut through a shop to get there
to find he was walking through to meet me!! strange how we think a like at times it really is
so we went for lunch, i picked a pub thinking they had soup on the menu
chigau! wrong! so i ended up having sweet chili noodles with chicken and veg
which hot but very nice
from there we went to his house, he invited me for a brew
but i could feel my stomach kicking in so i said i was gonna go home
i was home at 2:30pm and mum came home we caught up
I sat on my sewing machine and made her a little draw string bag shes been wanting
then i checked my mail for this form but i hadnt got it not even in my spam mail
so ive requested that
been looking at dances and other bits really
I made myself a salad seeing as i had nothing left in my stomach
im so damn hungry all the time!!!!
might do some dancing now, i mean ive done a lot of walking today but i enjoy
getting dancing out of my system
then i might draw if theres time
tomorrow
seeing adam maybe and then mia!
not seen my lovely sibling in ages!
GooD EveninG
I slept better last night taking 2 tablets
This morning I had stomach ache -_____- I couldnt face food
not after 2 toilet visits within 30mins of waking
so I didnt have anything apart from a brew
I did something I havent done in over 18months
I weighed myself
O:
Seeing how my body is at the moment I felt it might be wise
to keep a check on my weight...
So I was surprisingly cool about it cus I havent been weighing myself due to
the mental grief it gives me. Let's just say it starts a chain reaction of anorexic thoughts
thoughts that quite frankly I can live without
the scaled told me I weigh 9stone exactly which is roughly 57kg
that doesnt sound a lot but to me IT IS
for years during my illness I weighed between 8.4 - 8.6 stone 53kg - 54kg
and I was fine with myself then I was, well not 100% true I still had anorexic thoughts
but I tried not to act on them they were just kinda there constantly
when I was at my 'sickest' i weighed 7.12 stone which is 45kg...i looked sick and thin
but it was because i was so poorly not because i was starving myself
So finding out I weighed 9 stone wasn't as bad as I thought
finding out I had put on half a stone didnt hit me as hard as I thought
I KNEW I had put on weight I could see it on my body this last 6months and feel the change
so maybe thats why it didnt make me go crazy and want to live off water XD
This morning I spent it sorted out the downstairs ready for my parents to come home
i did a little bit of dancing also then showered and went on my laptop
lunch was soup, no bread T^T missing my carbs and cake and biscuits
I picked adam up and we went for a walk then went back to his house
I did his mum's nails, played okami, talked to his parents
his mum offered me cake and i turned it down but she cut me a piece to take home
i was sooooooo hungry truly i was
adam showed me a mini photo album he had and he must be about aged 2 or 3
and sweet and innocent looking, he said "now youve seen mine i gotta see yours"
sooooooo not happening for so many reason
the main reason being that i know for a fact some of pur family albums
have photos of me and my brother naked in the bath together -_____-
what was my mother thinking taking those damn photos
at least facebook wasnt invented and they were posted all over that!!
i will keep those photos very well hidden
I came back and i ate some cake and then had a salad and had a small piece of bread with it
cus my god i cant survive off veg alone
and it would seem i had literally ate poison as i was in the toilet and in pain
mum says if im still the same by friday ive gotta go doctors again T^T
she talked to me about how in whitby it was Goth Weekend
ive always wanted to see whitby goth weekend!!! i wanna go next year!
we then talked about holidays and i told her that today adams parents suggested that the 4 of us go france together and i didnt turn her down or even think about it. my goal this year is to go abroad and in truth im wondering if i will achieve it. i know im not gonna die on holiday but i need to enjoy it not suffer through it and right now im not right they mentioned going away in July
which isnt that long to get physically and mentally stronger is it
i feel a lot of people doubting me but wishing for me to go
people just want for me to be better and live a normal life and to enjoy myself
yeah it sucks being me sometimes
i will get there
i spent some of my evening getting all my documentation ready for tomorrow
as at 10am i am signing onto another teaching agency its in the city centre
so im gonna go there for an hour, shop round then adam is gonna meet me in town
we're gonna have lunch (soup and nothing but soup) then come home!
My nails this week 10 different designs~
Konbanwa~~~~
Ahhh I didn't sleep that well
I only took one tablet like the doctor suggested
but it didnt feel quite enough to knock me out
I think at 12:30pm I must have only just drifted off and then I heard a bang
I went downstairs my brother was there and said he'd knocked the calender
off the wall which was what bang, made a loud noise for a calender
I was up at this point so I got a hot choc and cereal and read for half hour
when i went to bed it took me til 2am to get off to sleep
my mind was very hard to still
so i might take 2 tablets tonight to settle it
So this morning I woke up at 8:45am
I did my pet duty and cleaned the girls out in the drizzling rain
sick of it raining its nothing but rained today, not heavy, but still rain
I got ready to go over and see adam about 11ish
originally i wasnt gonna eat at his house but when we went to get his food
he ordered me a chicken salad and asked for everything in it so i could pick round it
i thought it was a good idea
so thats what i did
and i did manage to talk to him later about whats been up with me mentally
and i talked to him about stuff that is bothering/concerning me about the relationship
he took it all well and told me several hundred times how he loves me and im his
i swear the day we part (if we part) it will be very hard
for him...
I came home at 3pm and I put my girls outside in the drizzling rain
because yesterday when I brought them in the hall they did bugger all
so i thought sod it they can have half hour outside
and they loved it! for a whole hour they stuck it out
i went to get them in
Millie dry-ish
Alice dry
Maisy wet
maisy must not understand why i put stuff out there to shelter under XD
shes been trying to rape millie and alice today shes been right annoying em
piggies get hormonal too every so often it seems
I did some dancing and I got 2 dances recorded and uploaded just 1 for now
shows my blond hair which im quite liking the colour of
i will never have barbie bleach hair ugh i cant stand that false look
I also got a birthday card for karen made i like the design to say i just randomly
thought of it and did it, best way with art sometimes.
Designed adams mum's nails as well shes gonna have lady birds on her nails this week
suddenly remembered at 8pm i hadnt designed em yet XD
I put the girls out for the second time, still Oz decided he wasnt gonna come out
i went to get them due to it starting raining (as yes it did stop at 8pm)
and who decided that when everyone has gone home and its raining again that he
suddenly wants to come out to play...Oz. dont get that rabbit at times
I had another shower but didnt wash my hair cus i'll do it in the morning
there was just no way i could go to bed sweaty
Tomorrow mummy and daddy come home~~
i think theyve been having an alright time
apparently room and weather isnt the best
theyll be home around lunch time im guessing as per usual
so my morning will consist of me sorting pets and cleaning up!
to be honest i have been staying on top of it as usual so shouldnt take me long
then get ready to see adam
but what we will do who knows! depends on weather i guess cus its been so bad last few days
im not gonna stop for dinner cus its usually around dinner time i start feeling the need to spend some quality one to one time with the bathroom. To be honest i havent been that bad today but then I did only take 1 tablet last night and yesterday lived off vegetables like i have done today
im soooooo hungry!!!!! i wanna eat like everything but i dont want the pain
im getting stomach ache now, its trying to sleep with stomach ache which is pain in the arse.
hopefully it will get better soon
tadaima~
Otsukaresama deshita~~
It was hard getting off to sleep last night
my stomach hurt big style im good at coping with pain but
there was no relief after hours of pain
and when I woke up I still had stomach pains!! not as strongly thank god
This morning I stayed out my parents way whilst they got ready for
their weekend to Whitby. Mum takes everything like literally everything
she knows nothing of packing lightly for a weekend XD
They left and I cracked on with my morning!
I have had a productive day of being left to my own devises
I finished my Ogata Haruna badge
I think it looks alright and is certainly different from the others sent in
I hope the person on the other end received it ok
turns out I didnt need any help with it! just that good you see XD
At this point I decided to get the girls in as this morning they went outside
but started raining at 10am and hasnt stopped since its now 7:30pm
so they came in the hall whilst I played with food
never get to play with food
so I made roasted vegetable soup something ive always wanted to have a stab at
I totally winged it, no recipe for me~~
and tasted good actually
No bread or anything, I have snacked on the odd biscuits and cereal but I was trying not eat too much
im missing my food but im looking at food and remembering the pain and 5000 toilet visits
After lunch I began another picture one im thinking of 'selling' but its all a work in process kinda thing im gonna get some opinions on my work and such.
I wanted a shower as i had to wait at least a day before i could wash my hair from dying it
but before i hopped in the shower i did some dancing
oh my god i sweated i was gonna record some dances but i looked soooooo sweaty
dont think people wanna see that!
after that i showered
got Oz in, made a brew and rang ed for almost and hour and a half
we talked about all sorts good to speak to him instead of messaging him
I made myself some dinner, by which i mean i cut up more vegetables and had a salad
ive eaten more veg than the guinea pigs today!
it was alright tho, then i went to do a bit more drawing
now im thinking of having a short dance to stretch out my back from being sat at my desk
ive also designed this weeks nails for myself so im gonna do those tonight woo
i like a productive day~~
tomorrow i have got my girlies to clean out
get ready and stuff and see adam
depending on how my stomach is of course and ive already warned him
i cant eat lunch with him tomorrow
he finishes work at 10:30pm and usually his parents pick him up
but theyre away tonight so he has to walk home which takes 50mins
in the past i have picked him up instead of his parents
but no one has said or asked and i havent offered so im not picking him up
might encourage him to take his damn driving test
yes i am that harsh
after he's done a 13 hour shift and its raining
Evening~~
I slept ok
ahhhhh its so nice to say those words
I did sleep although before I went to bed I had awful
stomach ache and when I went for 100th time to the toilet that night
I ended up passing blood...
Thats not normal even for me.
So I told mum and she told me to ring the doctors in the morning
Morning came and I rung up the doctors and got in (very surprisingly)
for today at 9:50am which I thought was great as I had karen at 11am
I got there for exactly 9:50am knowing the doctors are NEVER on time
and time went on. and on. and on. I was constantly the youngest in the waiting room
by about 50 years Id say
easily
and when the 1 hour mark hit
yes 1 hour I was sat there for
I rang my mum ranting down the phone that id been sat there a bloody hour and was gonna leave
she told me not to just leave and to ask the receptionist if id been missed
so i went to do that and got called in by a trainee doctor before i could speak to a receptionist
he asked "is it ok if i chat with you before the doctor sees you"
now at this point i didnt care if i looked like a bitch of not i was peeved to say the least
i replied "well as long as you make it quick i have been sat out there a whole hour"
he was quite taken back by my manner and said he'd be quick
ether way this stuck an extra 10mins on my time making it now 11am
the time i was suppose to be at karens..
i had in formed her id be late
so at 11am i was graced with the presence of my doctor!
he said "sorry about the wait, just mad today. Old people wanting me for everything"
i was gonna lace into him but i just wanted to get out
so i told him what was up
he said "ive got a stomach bug" i said "do you not think its a bit coincidental that i change to new tablets and my stomach is upset?" he was convinced it was a stomach bug id got and to "starve myself for 1 day" right ok thats a normal thing to do isnt it.
he just said that i was to take only 1 tablet and to give it another week
so i had waited over an hour to be told "give it another week" i was peeved
i could have ripped into anyone
I drove over to Karen's blasting out music in my car
i got there and she opened the door and i just said
"ahhhh karen de-stress me im sick of humans, sorry, people" she laughed and so did someone else...
her cleaner who is a customer of my dad....what must she think to that
i went on ranting and they were both laughing
I told her about yoga karen and she told me she saw her last week and shes lost almost 2 stones because she cant eat anything but fruit and veg as anything with fat in makes her throw up or be in bad pain. I couldnt believe it. i hope she gets better soon!
I had a massage and a good catch up then came home it was 1pm at this point
i left the house at 9:45am
seemed unreal
I rand mum and then adam to fill them in on the day
made myself a salad cus there was nothing else to eat really
then I went and did some drawing
i painted mum's nails
mum dyed my hair and im blond! not barbie blond but blond enough
when i washed the dye out the water was grey....i feared for what colour my hair now was
but upon drying it i really like it, its blond and i said id try blond this year
i kept sitting in the sun to bleach it naturally in stead of chemically
as my hair i seems to be UV sensitive XD
got an interview on monday for another agency cus im not getting a whole lot of work
so i thought id branch out
I got Ogata Haruna drawn up and the badge started
Its coming along but i need a photoshop hand from my brother
he liked my hair colour im wondering what he will dye his to next
i had a MASSIVE talk to mum about adam today
well not specifically adam but relationships and a bit of life in general
and i wasnt having a go or a moan just talking and its all stuff that has gone through both
our minds and i think im gonna have to talk to him about a few things this weekend
my stomach currently HURTS big time
it is painful and ive lived in that toilet tonight
the whole starve yourself idea sometimes appeals
me and mum didnt go yoga tonight because of me
no way was i doing yoga with this pain and stuff
sucks
tomorrow i plan to draw and sew woo
my parents are off to Whitby tomorrow for the weekend so im home on pet duty
I got in the post today
new joggers :D
Heavy Rotation eye brow mascara (which ive got mum using)
and japanese facial condition which i cant wait to have a go with!
Konbanwa~~~
I just about slept last night
I was cold. again. like zero circulation in this body currently
corpse girl, shikabane onna no ko!
I got woke up at 6am by cramp in my calf....seriously?
how does anyone get cramp in their sleep!?
then I woke up at 8am and got up
I spent my morning slowly getting used to the day
me and mum headed off for the city centre at 10am
what a waste of time that was
seriously we came away with nothing
total waste of time.
but i suppose it killed some time
my stomach was hurting tho I hadnt eaten anything apart from dry cereal and a hot choc
and had taken my medication on top of that.
When we got home I had soup and half a piece of bread
that was like drinking battery acid according to my stomach
I had txted adam to say "im home" he replied "i will walk down then"
talk about not giving me a sodding option
he had no idea what i was doing or wanting to do
and i said "if i see you i dont know what we will do"
i know its wrong to push others away but right now i am i need of my own company
so he turned up after lunch
perfect timing to see me with stomach ache
We didnt do anything all day from 1pm til 4:30pm
nothing
I walked away from him a few times not wanting his company or affection
i felt nothing towards him not even that much on a friendship level
just didnt need him there
the part of me that normally wants his love and affections felt squashed deep down inside me
i was happy to push him away he tried to give me kisses and told me i loved him
but kissing the one youre suppose to love and telling them you love with absolutely no feeling
is scary id say. but i didnt feel scared i felt hollow. knowing that it was all abnormal didnt scare me ether like i just didnt care.
not that i told anyone this
eventually he said "shall i go home?" i decided id take him home
upon taking him home in that short space of time it threw it down like hammered down
and id left Oz out but i felt he had enough sense to go home or failing to work that out he'd find shelter. Came home to find he was in the exact same spot id left him him.
wet.
very wet.
brain of britain that one
since then I have died on the toilet a few times
think ive been 5 times today fed up of wasting life in there
i get as tho i dont wanna eat. i thought id be safe with soup - a liquid - but clearly not
i did some more drawing
i moaned at mum how i was feeling
she offered me a hug which i turned down - i never turn that down
just didnt want it or sympathy
i told her i cant wait to see my psychologist to talk about my medication next month
i need help now, so we thought if i gave the psychologist a ring tomorrow and ask him if i can be referred now to a psychiatrist cus something has gotta change.
my GP knows squat about mental health i cant be bothered to waste my time in his room.
I did some dancing and got sweaty so i went for a shower
tomorrow I have got a massage which i know is gonna hurt as i can feel the tension
but it will be nice to see karen
im seeing both karen's tomorrow. i hope yoga karen hasnt lost anymore weight!
Oh and I ordered the final pandora heart once again
it was £3 more than what i paid last night but its new and in english!
cant wait for it to come!!!!
Evening~~~
O genki desu ka?~~
Last night I was annoyed
I attempted to sleep IN my bed
I thought it was all going according to plan until I started aching
and a whisper in my head told me I hadnt taken my pain medication
and at 12:30am I got up and had to get rid of the content of my stomach
i thought whilst i was up id go see if I had in fact not taking my pain medication
and low and behold I hadnt! that is why I was aching
and even at 1:30am whilst I tried to sleep in my bed I just didnt feel comfortable
so in the end at 2am I climbed on top of the sheets and wrapped my dressing gown
round me, as i am sick to death of being sodding cold at night
its not cold but I am, its my anti-depressiants
what little circulation I had has gone basically
my hands are constantly cold and white like scary white
I woke up at 9am after I eventually drifted off to sleep
I spent my morning doing a bit of sewing and I told mum I was seeing adam after he'd
eaten lunch at the gym. she asked what i was doing about lunch
i told her i hadnt eaten today and would eat later as i was trying to give my guts a break
i hadnt eaten but by 11am i had visited the toilet 3 sodding times
my patience was wearing thin
I told mum id be home after picking adam up and popping to the shops and post office
I told her I wanted to crack on with sewing and drawing
she said "and this is how youd be if you were 'normal', constantly wanting to do things and adam content with not doing anything. which is why i dont think you two would work if you were normal" if thats mums way of asking me to break up with adam then she best come out and say it. i HATE people pussy footing around me
shes right what she says tho. cus if im totally honest if i was 'normal' i wouldnt have a boyfriend any how, no time and not important enough to take my time. who needs love and emotions right
i told her i envy the fact that a lot of people my age are happy to waste their days doing nothing how easy they find it to switch off but i just dont.
mum said because ive been feeling so crap lately she doesnt blame me for wanting to get stuff done cus ive been missing out on all i want to do
i met adam in the pouring rain
i had to take him home to fetch a coat
we went to a few shops
it felt good to be able to drive again as it felt like someone had taken my right to drive
i was safe and no issues happened
i posted a lil rabbit toy i had to my cousin as it looks similar to her new bunny
thought it would be a nice surprise for her
we came back to his house and i stayed for a cup of tea but i could feel my stomach griping
whether that was from lack of food or it wanting to be requited with the toilet
i didnt know. nor was i gonna chance it
so at 2:30pm i said i was leaving to have some food
adam could tell i didnt want him with me
i was not prepared to waste my day dosing and playing games
no way. i would have bitten his head off i think
before i left adam asked me to show his dad my driving license which i did
and his dad laughed...yeah i get that kinda response. i was 17!!!!
he said "you sure this isnt your brother's license? you look chinese"
i said "chinese!?"
he said "you should be careful when you go abroad they may not let you back in the UK you know what with you needing a VISA and such" clearly loving this
so tonight i texted adam and said "when i next see your dad i will speak to him in my native language" he asked what i meant i told him "when i see him and i can be arsed i will speak japanese to him as im totally capable, seeing as he thinks im of the asian persuasion" he found it hilarious and cant wait to see it
got home and made myself a salad which stayed in me for about 2 hours
i did a tiny bit of sewing but im waiting for the burgundy lace in the post so its on hold now
i did some more drawing
got a lil further i guess but i got distracted reading manga and being with pets
tonight i did a bit of dancing and got a bit sweaty
i couldnt face showering again so i didnt
lately for the last week ive been showering twice a day and today i can not be arsed
the music choice lately has been Kalafina/fictionjunction
i listen to that group when im drawing, i did listen to mami kawada but i fancied a change
im enjoying their song sprinter very much ^^
i prefer listening to my groups live performances rather than their recording studio CDs
so many groups i wish i could go see live or even meet
i noticed that i only listen to female artists now
in my car today i blasted out 'sayonara solitaire' as a celebration of being back behind the wheel, that truly has to be my favourite song of all time. such beautiful lyrics. i have loved it for many many years so i think i can safely say it is my favourite song. its hard to have a favourite song when theres soooooo many right
anyway tomorrow
mummy wishes to have a trip to the city centre
i will accompany her
we dont need much so hopefully wont be too long
adam said he wants to see me. i swear hes a glutton for punishment
the way i am now why on earth would he chose to see me
he says its because he loves me
love makes humans do strange things if you ask me
Evening
I slept pretty well apart from being cold
keep being cold but then i think its because ive been sleeping
on top of my bed with a blanket instead of sleeping in it under the duvet
i had gotten so used to sleeping this way when sleep was bad only last
monday, but i think i am able to sleep IN my bed not ON it.
I am planning to put this to the test tonight actually
how long has it been since I slept IN MY bed
wow cant actually remember
when i was waking up constantly due to pain and not going into a deep enough
sleep i was padding out my bed as much as i physically could in the hope
it would help me sleep but hopefully none of that is necessary anymore
Anyway today
I was still dizzy but not as bad as I have been
i think taking 2 tablets at night is enough for me
in the morning I stayed home as dad was expecting an engine in the post
yup muggins here had the job of waiting in for it but luckily it came at 11am
but by this time i was on the kitchen floor cutting out my jacket XD
i dont like sitting doing nothing
previous to this i was on the internet casually looking at idols as I do
and I came across something interesting
basically Ogata Haruna from Morning Musume'18 is graduating this June
now she is by far not one of my favourite idols but that isnt the case for someone
in Japan who is selflessly giving out badges outside the venue on the day of Haruna's graduation concert. These badges are for free
what interested me is that he/she is asking for artist to post their fan art of Haruna so she/he can make these badges. They are asking for 3-5 artist and are welcoming foreign fans.
This got me thinking
So i checked on what other people had already submitted and if im honest i didnt like any of them they all sucked. so not much competition there!
I would like to make my own badge design and send it in. The person said they are taking donations for the badges and will pay the artist. I dont want any money
I would be thrilled to have my art go abroad that is enough payment for me
so I got started on my own Ogata Haruna badge~
I would be further but I got distracted through out the day XD
upon looking at all this I thought Id google 'Ogata Haruna fan art' just to see casually how others had drawn her. safe to say there was next to none images. Like no one has drawn her? i find it hard to believe so perhaps the images are hiding from me. But one image did pop up.
An image of Tanaka Reina (an Idol i LOVE) fan art on a t-shirt
so naturally i followed the link and it took me to a website my brother has used a few times to buy t-shirts from - Red Bubble
I had a look at how others post their art on there and sell their art basically
and how easy it looked. I thought it was a good idea and im thinking of having a go
i mean how hard can it be right?
so thats after I have finished the badge
todays artistic mission.
Adam rang me after he'd finished work at 3pm
I told him id cut my jacket out and all the business about art
he was impressed and said "you have been busy researching havent you"
i said "i know it makes me sound like im important but it all was total fluke" XD
he asked me if I had remembered to look at JET2holidays
I told him yes, he sounded shocked that id remembered
so i thought id bring the level back down
"yeah i looked for about 15mins i was researching where places are on the globe, I didnt know where Malta was AND i found out where Portugal is"
he said "portugal is next to spain...you didnt know this?"
i said "no i had no idea"
he said "i thought you did geography in high school?"
i said "yes but we learned about mumbai and the rainforest not about the world or countries it was ever so helpful"
I continued with my jacket I got a quite a bit sewn on to it today
then did drawing, danced for half hour
I havent left the house today anyway
im thinking and hoping that i will be fit to drive tomorrow
think im seeing adam anyway tomorrow
but im happy with my own company damn it but its wrong to push people away
my distraction today was watching music videos and live videos as usual
Konbanwa
I only took 2 antidepressiants last night
instead of 3 in the hopes that I would still sleep
and that I might be able to drive and eat normally
well I slept which was a good start
but my dizziness if anything seemed worse than yesterday
and im still running to the toilet after food
and cus i am so dizzy I am still unfit to drive
this is getting real old real fast
I spent my morning laying on my bed reading Nura manga
im on book 17 of 25 now! then Id like to start on pandora hearts
i have read a lot of pandora hearts so i may not need to start from the beginning
but i shall see. I ordered the last volume last week you see~
I want to read Natsume's book of friends but the next volume isnt coming
out til I believe september -_____- i cant wait that long!
anyway moving on
after I had read Nura I went in the shower were I discovered that I was truly
very dizzy today and was not at all impressed by this
I couldnt even think straight there was no thought process
adam wanted to see me but i couldnt organise a damn thing
in the end he got dropped off after lunch
which gave me time to do a few jobs and make my dad lunch as it was just us two in the
house today which is odd in its self
my brother went out on his BMX which he practically lives on :D hes really good on it
and my mum went to go do a 5k Nordic walking challenge 50mins away in Thorsby
adam came over and we went for a walk to the woods which didnt involve me driving
on the way we saw mum driving home! she pulled over and got out her car and she
showed me the medal she had been given for completing the challenge its really cool
the bull head in the center spins round! i have never seen a medal like it
then she went off home after id filled her in a bit on what dad had been keeping himself busy with whilst shes been out as we got the impression he wasnt thrilled to be left alone on his day off, like a big kid really. doesnt know how to entertain himself and expects mum to always entertain him and to be able to do her house work as well! today he'd finished the jet washing and cut the grass and other bits and bobs.
we came back and played on pokemon for a bit
i havent been right all day tho - mentally
something is quite up with me and its not my fault ether it feels like something is messing with the order of my brain. some moments i feel like having a argument or fight really then others i just want to be left alone. i think today i would have been more than happy with my own company. being with adam was no problem and i know deep down i was happy for his company but i felt nothing towards him not love and affection and i didnt want his affection ether. didnt need nor want it. and i know he could tell that and he's seen me like this before. a new added extra was how horrible i could have been today and relished in it also. and thats NOT me i am not a horrible person, but the thoughts of what was wanting to be said was cruel words to upset the other person and enjoy upsetting them in the worse ways but not being content with just upsetting the one person oh no it was a case of the more the merrier. i could have kicked off and laced into anyone. and knowing exactly what to say, what buttons to press. its another side to me. one i keep locked and sealed and buried. its like living with another entity as its not me at all.
adams mum came to pick him up at 5:30pm which was nice of her as she had dropped him off earlier too. saves me risking life behind the wheel.
when i was left to my own devises i went on my laptop for a bit, chose a few fabrics to hopefully start making my jacket tomorrow. might dance as well. seeing as i got a lot of dancing done last night.
tomorrow think its just me by myself really
im no good to anyone like this im best left alone really
Konbanwa~~~
I went to bed a bit smacked out my head last night
it is taking some getting used to with taking these tablets
i have to say, but i know i will get there and if it will help
me sleep like a normal person all the better!
I woke up at 11:30pm tho /:
whats with that? and whats more is i didnt feel drowsy like how I did
an hour previously when I first went to bed
I felt i needed to get up so I did just for an hour and I nodded off again
i have no idea why i needed to wake up and how i didnt feel like death
body is just strange i guess
I woke up at 8am as a bee flew in through my window and the noise
of it buzzing woke me, miss.light-sleeper
so I was up then and cleaned out my piggies as they smelt like farm yard animals
I had breakfast which resulted to me running to the toilet
this is like day 4 of everytime i eat i have to get to a toilet and fast
theres nothing left but sadness XD im sick of going
Mum dropped me off at adams house today
as im still quite dizzy and spaced out and dont trust myself behind the wheel
he wasnt expecting me but was happy to see me still and we walked up to the shops
for lunch but i told him i wasnt eating and would eat when i get home
there was no way i was gonna risk eating there and running to his loo
we got back and he ate and i just had a drink and made an origami cat whilst waiting XD
cant help but do stuff
I painted his mum's nails I used nail tape and i remembered why i dont use that stuff
its damned fidley and very annoying but we got there and she was pleased with her fan design
at 2pm mum came to pick me up and i had lunch followed by a trip to the toilet
i hate eating at the moment its not worth the hassle
but i gotta eat
whilst i was eating i noticed my dad was in the garden setting fire to stuff
safe to say i couldnt eat my lunch quick enough and was desperate to see what
he was settling fire too
i came out and discovered it was ants nest he was burning with fuel and matches XD
very safe XD
our whole garden is slopping if you look at the photos from 24 years ago when we first moved here our lawn, rockery and everything really was pretty much level and now its truly not
our rockery looks like its being pushed forwards and its suppose to keep the land in check
so dad decided that he would start taking it apart and that when he started burning ants nests as its amazing how many you find under stuff and the red ants hurt bad when they bite
i stayed outside for about 2 hours with him just generally assisting really and enjoying seeing what we found under the rocks i know the soil round here is very clay like and i was surprised to see that the clay soil changed from reddy brown to light grey the deeper dad dug
then it rained so we came in and i sat with Ozwald and a brew
since then i have made myself some pasta and ate it and went to the toilet
starting to see a pattern
food = stomach upset
then i watched a few live performance videos on youtube cus i enjoy that time to time
as evening comes my dizziness increases which i find bazaar
so im trying to cope with that currently
its peeing me off!
id like to do a bit more dancing tonight if i can
i mean it is sodding hot again and im dizzy but i want to do something
tomorrow i believe I am seeing adam
but as to what we are doing remains a mystery
that is simply because without me we dont have transport
annoyingly
so if im still unfit to drive then it limits the day somewhat
id like to be able to drive tomorrow but no point in risking it
just have to see
the second hair clip i brought, cute huh
