I only took 2 antidepressiants last night
instead of 3 in the hopes that I would still sleep
and that I might be able to drive and eat normally
well I slept which was a good start
but my dizziness if anything seemed worse than yesterday
and im still running to the toilet after food
and cus i am so dizzy I am still unfit to drive
this is getting real old real fast
I spent my morning laying on my bed reading Nura manga
im on book 17 of 25 now! then Id like to start on pandora hearts
i have read a lot of pandora hearts so i may not need to start from the beginning
but i shall see. I ordered the last volume last week you see~
I want to read Natsume's book of friends but the next volume isnt coming
out til I believe september -_____- i cant wait that long!
anyway moving on
after I had read Nura I went in the shower were I discovered that I was truly
very dizzy today and was not at all impressed by this
I couldnt even think straight there was no thought process
adam wanted to see me but i couldnt organise a damn thing
in the end he got dropped off after lunch
which gave me time to do a few jobs and make my dad lunch as it was just us two in the
house today which is odd in its self
my brother went out on his BMX which he practically lives on :D hes really good on it
and my mum went to go do a 5k Nordic walking challenge 50mins away in Thorsby
adam came over and we went for a walk to the woods which didnt involve me driving
on the way we saw mum driving home! she pulled over and got out her car and she
showed me the medal she had been given for completing the challenge its really cool
the bull head in the center spins round! i have never seen a medal like it
then she went off home after id filled her in a bit on what dad had been keeping himself busy with whilst shes been out as we got the impression he wasnt thrilled to be left alone on his day off, like a big kid really. doesnt know how to entertain himself and expects mum to always entertain him and to be able to do her house work as well! today he'd finished the jet washing and cut the grass and other bits and bobs.
we came back and played on pokemon for a bit
i havent been right all day tho - mentally
something is quite up with me and its not my fault ether it feels like something is messing with the order of my brain. some moments i feel like having a argument or fight really then others i just want to be left alone. i think today i would have been more than happy with my own company. being with adam was no problem and i know deep down i was happy for his company but i felt nothing towards him not love and affection and i didnt want his affection ether. didnt need nor want it. and i know he could tell that and he's seen me like this before. a new added extra was how horrible i could have been today and relished in it also. and thats NOT me i am not a horrible person, but the thoughts of what was wanting to be said was cruel words to upset the other person and enjoy upsetting them in the worse ways but not being content with just upsetting the one person oh no it was a case of the more the merrier. i could have kicked off and laced into anyone. and knowing exactly what to say, what buttons to press. its another side to me. one i keep locked and sealed and buried. its like living with another entity as its not me at all.
adams mum came to pick him up at 5:30pm which was nice of her as she had dropped him off earlier too. saves me risking life behind the wheel.
when i was left to my own devises i went on my laptop for a bit, chose a few fabrics to hopefully start making my jacket tomorrow. might dance as well. seeing as i got a lot of dancing done last night.
tomorrow think its just me by myself really
im no good to anyone like this im best left alone really
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