Evening~
I didn't sleep too bad and I got off pretty easily
I had eaten take away pizza with my family and my stomach and mind were set off
so I thought it was going to be a very different night.
Regret eating pizza but really I didnt eat that much of it
Today I woke up not knowing what the day would bring
I hadnt texted adam last night
and only by 10:30am did I decide to text him
I knew I wanted to see him but something inside me is wanting to push people away
especially those who are very close to me
Adam said he'd only just woke up but i could come up any time
so I got ready
I was up at his for 11:30am - took my time XD
He asked if i wanted to go anywhere and I said I didnt
I said I was happy here for a lil while
then he decided he was gonna go shops for lunch so I got my shoes on and went with him
I didnt want to eat but got conned into it as when we got to the shops he said
"sod it were eating out" I pouted XD
he ordered a pizza type thing to share so that i could eat as little or as much as I wanted
I ate a bit but I havent been hungry lately
we went back to his and he asked if i wanted to talk upstairs
so I went upstairs with him
he asked about my appointments this week and I said I didnt want to talk about it
we talked about different things as he gave me affection, during which I felt nothing
just nothing, a true absence of feeling when I know there should be something
i feel almost robotic and soulless at times
still i carried on as i didnt want to upset him
that was until i just switched off
i describe it as being thrown to the bottom of a well
its lonely with just your thoughts to keep you company, you want out, but cant think how to even go about getting out of this dark lonely pit.
Adam noticed I had gone quiet and scratching myself
i scratch my arms when im 'stressed' or 'anxious' theyre getting in a bit of a state but im trying to heal them for when i go away this month
he asked what was wrong i told him i was fine
he went to make me a tea
he offered for me to stay for dinner but i told him no as i know im worse in the evenings
i decided to try and snap outta it
i needed out of the clothes i was in (weird to say in someone else's bedroom!)
i thought we could walk to the park from my house so I could get changed, he could see Oz and we could book train tickets too
so thats what we did
and during the walk he told me to tell him about the appointments as he needs to understand and me not telling him is shutting him out and pushing him away
he's right
but i hate banging on about myself
i never want to look like im trying to get attention or enjoying the way i was
he kept pulling me back as he says i walk fast when in mid rant XD
we came back to my house sweating as it was so hot
and then booked train tickets
its official we are going Sheffield this 15th
then I went to his house to paint his mum's nails
shes got birthday themed nails as its her birthday on friday
shes invited me to come with them on thursday for a meal
i came home and i havent been too bad
did a bit of painting
decided i wanted to add a moon to the picture so ive painted the first coat of that
drawn the lines in pencil on the crane ready to paint tomorrow
tomorrow just got karen for a massage at 1pm which i should
have had on thursday
in two minds whether or not to go for a run tonight its 8:15pm
last night i went for a run and my brother bumped into me and it made it easier having
him keep a pace with me
but i can do it alone and it does help my head in the evening
just cant always be bothered to start but once im started im fine
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