I barely slept
My mind was way too busy
much too busy
we had 'Detonate' festival happening 4.2 miles from
out house. We could hear it very clearly
and then they had fire works...
just when that died down a owl decided to have its own festival outside my window
I was suffering with hay fever
all in all crap night
I got up this morning at 8:30am
not knowing what I was gonna do today
didnt even know what I felt like doing
in the end I whipped out my labels i cut from clothing
i had a good pile building up and decided to stitch them together
making 5 panels then added that row of 5 to the rest of it
its getting big! bigger than A3 now for sure
Adam said to come see him after lunch
so I did
one little thing was that I was in a 'mood' last night before bed and it felt like
it had continued into today
usually a run breaks that funk but because i had ran in the morning not the evening
it didnt seem to have the effect it usually has
so I was in a mood
he could tell
dont think i spoke that much to him
didnt know what i wanted to do
so in the end he got up and told me were going for a walk
and we did but it didnt snap me out of it
we went back to his
i showed his parents my canvas and they thought it was amazing
his dad asked me what time i managed yesterday and i said "31:53"
he didnt believe me
god knows why cus i dont lie
so adam got up times and confirmed it
then adams dad said "think ive done that park run in a similar time"
adam got up times and eventually found his dad's time
31:54....0.1 slower than me...
his mum was well elated at that and high fived me XD
i didnt make a fuss of it but i couldnt believe that i had technically beat him
i think he feels game is on now
me and adam went upstairs as id left a hair bow in his room from friday night
i told him i could find it but he came up anyway
not hard to find something pink and shiny in his room XD
he wanted to talk to me
but i still wouldnt open up and tell him
he started to shower me with affection but i wasnt feeling any of it
literally even today when hes touched my skin, i get the sensation that theres something on my skin but its so muted. So to have him giving me his kisses and attention just felt distant
i couldnt give it back i just couldnt
i could tell this was all starting to frustrate him a little
he wasnt getting mad or anything but i could tell
me keeping shut out, pushing him away, giving no love to him
its bound to grate isnt it
he said "youve got to learn to loosen up a bit"
i said numbly "i know"
he said "you are allowed to have fun and enjoy yourself"
i said "i know"
he said "you never let go"
everything was becoming too much to cope with
my head was screaming at me
adam was on at me
he was giving me affection i couldnt feel
i could feel deep down inside i was crying, i was sad
and i was willing it to come to the surface just so id feel Something
sick of being numb to the world these last few weeks, months even
eventually i did start to cry but the emotions that usually flow with tears were halved
he backed away and was instantly concerned with my out burst
i talked to him as i could actually express myself
whilst crying the lock on my mouth that stopped me from telling others what is the matter
was removed so i got it all out
and how scared i was of my head
he cuddled me and wiped my tears and told me how much he loves me, hes not going anywhere, he'll always be there, he'd do anything for me
just so much was said and i got some concerns off my chest
i got to hear bits about what he thought
so it probably did some good
gone back to bottling it up again
i can feel the shut down once again
I was offered to stay for dinner
and i wanted to i really did
but i know i HAVE to run tonight
if i want my sanity and to sleep tonight ive got to
no choice
so i came home
doing my diary, might run through dances before dinner, have dinner, run, shower, bed
not sure what im doing tomorrow
mum has just found out shes not needed at work tomorrow!
so we might have the day together!
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