Evening~~~
Things went to crap last night
seriously i messed up
i upset my mum
it all kicked off big style
i even had a word said by my dad
"remember the Bambi movie, 'if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all'"
i had a panic attack
i cried tonnes
my mum was still not speaking to me by the morning
I got up and went for a run
ended up seeing mia's mum taking todd for his morning walk
i came back and found mum had also gone for a run
dad said "it was to clear her head, you did a number on her last night"
i later on got a lecture from dad
"you're not helping yourself, make a list and take it to the psychologist, nothing will change unless you want it to change and your not doing that, everything is done on your terms, make sure you make up with your mum, if shes not happy whilst were away i wont be happy and then we have some real stuff to discuss"
yep i was in deep crap, but whilst he gave me the lecture i wanted to burn cities down
i get thats his way of venting as it certainly didnt help any
and how dare he say im not trying to help myself
but i didnt bite i just took it
i stayed out of mums way until i saw her and she said
"is this how its gonna be between us?"
i knew she was hurt
all of it was making me feel like crap
i cant tell you last night how much i wanted to end my life
i thought of so many ways and when to do it
i was hitting despair
ive met despair before, its no stranger
i told her "i will sort it but ive got psychology to go to now"
at 9:30am i was in that depressing building
i banged my ipod on and watched dances id transferred on to my ipod
bob called me through
i thought "here we go"
i told him the crap situation i was in right now and what happened and whats been going on and we talked about stuff as we do
he summed up a feeling i didnt have to say but he got right
i feel a disappointment
i really do
why would anyone want a daughter like me?
i feel a failure
he told me i always see myself as being in the wrong, i need to have more confidence in myself and what i can do, i have a right to be happy and to try and enjoy life.
all stuff im struggling to do really
cus i did know that stuff
but i couldnt believe hed worked out i felt i was a disappointment
i felt a lil better about the session and he said he was gonna have a summary ready for our next session like how many sessions id had, what we'd covered and how many more sessions i might need. i really dont want discharging tho
not ready to be alone with it all
i came home and knew i had to sort it out with mum
and we did
i told her how i feel and she told me how she'd felt last night
and that shes finding it hard and she said that dad could have quite easily yelled at me but he chose not to as he can see im in a difficult place now - total shock
1. he could see im in a bad place
2. it made him not shout at me
twilight zone much
we made up and i said how much i hate myself at times and how i dont want to live at times
but that id be fine whilst she goes away
and off they went, gone up Skegness way
i didnt get much time to myself
as i went to set off for the Buddist Meditation I said i'd attend
i got there fine, the building was amazing real old British
i was met by a woman who took my name and my money
and another woman who was coming to the session told me about it and put me at ease
we had to sit on chairs in this room which was very nice the alter for the budda statue was something else man, i was impressed
but the service i wasnt impressed by
the guy doing it banged on about this and that, then i think we only did 10 or 15mins max meditation time and the service is an hour, he then banged on about their topic of the day 'kindness' ah id started thinking of other things i got bored.
i enjoyed the actual meditation there just should have been more of it
but now i know how to do it i can maybe practice at home
i came home
i started making Pumpkin soup with the pumpkin adam's dad gave me
made me feel like it was halloween
then i sat down to have soup
i read for an hour
yes i sat still for a whole hour
my brother popped home with a bmx mate i havent met
swear theres a different one each time
i said hello and stuff
they went out and danced then later my brother phoned
we were deciding on pizza tonight
i was talking about having a slice of my brothers
i could hear his mate in the background "she can have a slice of mine. she can have some of my crumpet" i dont know what it means to be offered some of someones crumpet but im gonna take a guess and say i dont want to know
i asked my brother what his mate was going on about he just laughed
so he's coming home shortly and bringing a 12" pizza im robbing a slice and that will do me i think cus im not fussed lately about food
im glad ive made up with mum before she went
im just at my wits end with everything
this is how it is spiralling out of control
tomorrow im up early as ive got girls to clean out
and then going to adams for 8am so i can go park run with his parents
after that i'll come home and i would like to wash my car its filthy
after that im not sure, got painting to do which i still havent started
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