Went to Antony's

Evening

I didn't sleep well
I was up til gone 1am as I was aching
just aching aching aching
then I woke up loads too
I eventually woke up at 8:30am shattered 

My parents were off to the airport to help relieve some of my mums
anxiety about going abroad next month
she felt if she saw the airport it might help
i wondered if i too would benefit
so i jumped ship and travelled too
cant say it was exciting or helped but i guess ive seen and been
and hopefully it will help come the day if or when i go

I came home and got ready to go to Antony''s house
I just stuck joggers and jumper on really
then I had a big lunch of leftover pasta 
too much there
i ate it whilst watching Nastume

I left for Antony's house and took me a good half hour drive
i just put music on and got on with it really
I pulled up and antony answered the door to me
joy was upstairs getting changed 

it was good to see them both
as last time i saw them was April for their wedding
walking into their house their front room was decorated with stuff from the wedding
made me second guess how long it had been since the day
to say it has been almost 6 months i was surprised to see stuff still up

so we sat talking for a bit
i was slowly getting colder and colder
their house was cold and almost damp
kinda feels like how adam's house does
i guess it was an old terraced house
in the end joy grabbed a blanket complaining she was cold
and passed me once obviously able to see that i too was cold

we sat and played several rounds of dominios 
antony told me hes been challenging every guest so far with games
he wants to buy a leader board XD
i came second in dominos
i asked for a hot drink and told them i couldnt feel my fingers

we sat and ate the remainder of antonys birthday cake
whilst drinking earl grey tea
it helped warm me
we played a card game. 
I DO NOT DO CARD GAMES
never have done never will
just dont understand them or enjoy them
adams family tries to get me to play them but i hate them
so i opt out a lot of the time
i didnt do well at the card game surprise surprise 
then we played a weird game
one i couldnt get into but i managed to make jokes and make them laugh
so i turned it in my favour rather than taking it seriously 
soon it was 5pm and I decided to get up and leave
they said i was welcome back anytime ^^

I got home and said I wasnt eating dinner
i had a big lunch, cake and my stomach didnt feel right
so all in all dinner didnt look worth it

seeing as id been sat down all day
i decided to go straight for a walk for 45 mins
came in and talked to mum and then showered
i havent done any japanese for 4 days nows
just not had time or forgotten
really should make an effort
but last night i was watching videos on my ipod and i watched
one by Kalafina a song called Lirica
and i was impressed at how much i could pick out and understand

tomorrow
my mum has the day off work! never happens on a monday
so she said we would maybe go into the city centre
i was thinking i might pick up some cheap wii games for when my wii comes 
so i will go with her as its good to spend time with her

mum spoke to me about how ive been lately
and she knows im fed up of being in a relationship but she asked if
its bothering my split personality 
and i said it is
she said she could tell as im nastier and negative 
i told her
"when im stressed or unhappy it kicks in as a protection so it pushes everything and anyone away by any means whether thats saying nasty things or just being unpleasant to be around, by getting rid of everything and anyone we can be in a quiet bubble. depending on how strong i am depends on whether i can cool it down as we need people and surroundings. if im weak and i let it happen thats when i literally shut down to the world and sink into myself"
its hard to deal with but im hoping once ive sorted my relationship out and maybe got some work coming through i will be more myself once again
as its becoming hard to manage again

speaking of work
i know i dont get much this time of year what with it being start of term
but also because i only do pre-bookings it means i get less work
compared to those who take morning calls and head straight off to a school
in the past ive found this too stressful and spikes my anxiety
but im thinking of giving it a go
so im gonna ring just 1 agency for now and tell them id like a go at mornings calls
as lets face it im up at 7am anyway
i have a satnav 
i can grab a drink and biscuits and just go 
id like to try
see if im stronger if ive improved 
hopefully get more work and actual money

here is the oreo chocolate bar i brought back from france

i ate one cube and my brother ate the rest in one day
how hes not fat will remain a mystery to me
wish i could eat that and not want to literally top myself to dispel the anorexic thoughts id be bombed with