Danced on Whats App

Konbanwa

Couldnt be arsed to start the day
it had taken me close to midnight to drift off
i felt stressed about the teaching assistant position and my dad
dad can usually stress anyone out
and jobs and money are prime topics for him
when id been on the phone to mum yesterday
he was chipping in, in the background
so when I woke up at 7:20am i just couldnt face it
and stayed in bed a whole 5 mins! XD

I did start my day
did a bit of dancing
my collar bone really hurts im getting pain up my neck to my ear from it and down my arm
must be a good muscle to create that much pain
then i went for a shower

i went out to the shops as we had no sugar
i looked round charity shops as well
but nothing good 
then came home
sorted washing out
ended up washing my brother's headphones he'd left inside a shirt
so yeah he was ok about it as it wasnt my fault
he should have taken them out 

i had some lunch in front of my laptop
then i went for a 45min walk which was alright

i did some dancing and Ed was messaging me on whats app
he asked if he could watch me practice my dancing
so thats what i did!
felt so weird and nervous showing someone my practice
as i havent even finished or perfected the dances!
but he said i did well and impressed i can remember all the moves
felt weird tho having someone there but not
video calls are strange things XD

adam txted me
felt like he was saying things to try and upset me
it was along the lines of that whilst we are away people will see me in a bikini
yes im aware of this which is why i havent brought a revealing bikini
he said "people will stare and try touch you and put their arms around you"
i said "no they wont, wont you help?"
he said "i will if they get too grabby but its different now im not your boyfriend"
so i said "thanks like i dont have enough to worry about and enough anxiety and now youre telling me stuff like that and that you wont be much help. why you telling me these things?"
he said "just to prepare you, for your sake i hope it doesnt happen"
i refused to txt him back
i felt quite sick
i was tempted to ring my brother who has been greece this year, and ask him if this behaviour does in fact happen. but i told myself i would wait til he got home
Ed message me so i thought id tell him what adam said
he said "if it actually happened youd hear about it, the most you will get is stares. you will be fine dont worry about it"
did make me feel a lil better
i havent text adam back cus that was totally not needed
and im surprised he said that
he knows i dont feel comfortable around men
what did he think i was gonna do? take him back just so hes my boyfriend on holiday?
like hes trying to get back at  me or something
who knows

i made myself some dinner which wasnt good really
did some yoga in front of a dvd
my brother came home so i told him my concerns and he said
that doesnt happen when youre away and if it does you just knee em in the balls
he says the sooner i ditch adam the better
he says even tho ive told adam im not leading him on that my relationship with him is weird and cant last. i told him what i keep telling everyone else
i have a holiday to go on, i dont want it to be hard work so im being nice now for the sake of the holiday, when i come back off holiday i will be starting my new job and wont see him as i wont have time anyway.

today has been very very slow if im honest
ive been in one of those moods were i wouldnt mind doing something
but i dont know what i feel like doing
i did do some japanese today as i didnt do any yesterday
too fried
oh i did the ironing as well today

tomorrow mum and dad return
cant wait to see mum i feel like i need the reassurance of her presence some how
need a hug and catch up with her
just seeing her will make me feel better im sure
they should be home around 3 - 4pm
im gonna clean up
and make some cookies too in case they want anything to snack on when they come in
maybe see mia at some point
but she hasnt txt me back 

not sure how well i have coped with my parents being away for a week
ive eaten less knowing i can get away with it
mentally ive struggled as i feel like ive tuned into any interaction i can get
so ive been very in tune to my other half
its been so loud like having another person in the room
just because i have no company
shows i couldnt live by myself right now
god knows what would be left of me
some anorexic schizo