I went for a walk with mum last night~
I didnt fall asleep til gone 10:30pm
woke up in the night for a massive wee again
whats up with me i dont usually have to that kinda thing
then woke up at the traditional hour of 6am
so sick of waking up at 6am
why cant i sleep through?
like a anxiety thing or paranoid
So i got up for school and felt rotten and i hardly had a voice
i didnt want to go school
i got to school
and its a mad house it truly is
i started working in my usual class of class 7 and i had to sit doing english
with 4 children, i use the word english loosely as we were just writing
the letter H over and over and they still couldnt do it well
then we went into the creative room, breaktime and i was in creative room
again after that
lunch time i went to the actual staff room but didnt have my lunch with me
so i just sat quietly for half of lunch and someone gave me an Oreo
i went back to the classroom and grabbed my lunch
but i wasnt even hungry i felt too churned up for that
i still ate it tho even tho it was only fruit it still gave me stomach ache
afternoon i was suppose to be in class 8 but nursery requested unscheduled
group interventions that i had to quickly whip up
then she gave me 5 children instead of the usual 3
it went ok i guess
then i went to join class 8 for P.E. my first ever P.E. session
after that i went and did some display work
my first ever display work which was nice cus it got me out of class
after that and that i had tidied up the rooms for the 50th time that day
it was time for my first induction
my induction was with the dept head and head of TAs
both normal woman really
but i kid you not the information booklet theyve given me to READ actually READ
is huge stupidly huge
the only good thing is that its on green paper for my dyslexia
but they gave me so much information my anxiety was in over drive
they told me not to look so worried
but how can i not be
im so unhappy
it was the end of the day
i cried coming home
i dived home, brushed my teeth and dived straight back out
literally a 2min dash
i cried on the way to the dentist
mia was in the reception waiting for me i must have looked like death
she made me laugh but it felt like a forced laugh
mia, not that she had to, was my dental nurse cus she chose to be XD
so that was nice of her :)
she said we could maybe meet up on friday
i havent socialised in weeks
luckily my teeth were fine thank god
i came home and didnt want to talk about my day cus i knew id cry
so i sat with Oz on the sofa
then i got stuff ready for school so i wouldnt have to do anything school related anymore that day
then it was dinner
then i talked with my brother a bit and then i decided to go for a 45min walk with mum
talked everything off my chest i hardly have any voice so i sound awful
and i cried on the whole walk and cried when i got home
im just struggling to adjust to a very physically and mentally demanding thankless job
and not getting any enjoyment out of it
and instead of seeing any remote positives out of it i see the negatives
i have constant thoughts
if theyre not about school theyre about
what ive eaten
how fat i am
how tight clothes feel on my body
how i look in the mirror
the way my body feels
its endless
and so very tiring
mum says i might need some form of medication
came in did my diary
shower Oz and bed
and start again tomorrow
so tired and unhappy i want to give in and die
karens xmas card
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