So yesterday I got up at like 7:30am
couldnt face the day and was back in bed for 8:15am
didnt wake up til 9:30am
just couldnt face it
id had enough of being shattered
I did some dancing then went for a shower
I went with mum to go drop Karen's birthday present off
she wasnt in but we left it by her porch
mum said i seemed off
i was just in my own world
stuff gets to me more i think when im tired
and all i wanted to do was spend the day wrapped up in my own world
but i knew i was seeing jack
i thought id be seeing jack round lunch but he was catching up on sleep himself
he kept falling asleep and wasnt getting out of his bed basically
so i didnt see him til nearly 2pm!
We went round the shops and had a white hot chocolate
which was nice and he treated me to it too
we spoke about alan and rebecca leaving at work and jack mentioned that he wished he'd asked me weeks ago to design them a card each and i said that i meant to say to him last week did he want me to draw them a card. so i decided id draw them a leaving card each. he worried it was too short notice and a lot of work. i asked him if he was doubting my skills
i picked up some nail varnish
jack brought cheap pokemon cards and dominos
we got back to his and we played a game of pokemon cards
to say ive had mine since i was 10 years old, i havent actually played a game with them...
shameful really
so he explained it to me as he had the rules on his lap
i didnt win which i wasnt shocked about
he excels at games and tactics
its just the way his mind works
i found it amusing watching him tho
i can see his little mind working XD
we played dominos and i lost at that too >.>
i gave up at that point theres just no point in playing against him
unless of course its a physical game then of course i tend to win XD
we sat and talked and stuff
and i knew home time was looming for me
he said to me "you know youve seemed kinda off all day today, if theres something up you can tell me you know"
i said "Im fine i think im just tired"
i could tell he didnt believe me and it wasnt the first time he had broached the subject that day but i didnt want to talk about it, not only cus i dont want to talk about but because i felt like i would get a bit upset if i did unload what was going off.
in the end i could tell it was bothering him and as hard as it was i told him
cus he said "i cant help and i cant understand unless you tell me"
i said "its nothing anyone can help with"
its just so damn hard letting someone into my life letting someone know what goes off in my head, my world, my body. i keep it all from everyone to appear 'normal' to others. its how i am. so i find it really hard to let others in
so i said "im tired, i dont want to go home, im fed up of not sleeping, of waking up feeling so sick cus im in so much pain, of being so tired i cant think, taking so much pain relief that i cant think, i cant eat work without getting stomach ache, i dont want to eat half the time"
he said "right sit up (as i was laying down on the sofa) do you sleep better at mine?"
i said "yeah i seem to as it does me good to get away from my bed"
he said "ok well youre staying here tonight then, we can eat cake and watch anime."
i kinda just looked at him i think it still surprises me and is still a lot to understand that someone, well, cares basically even tho they havent known me long
he said "of course its all optional, that did sound forceful" XD
i said "no no i can stay i just dont like relying on you, relying on staying over here all the time"
he said "what use am i as a boyfriend if you cant rely on me? you cant do everything on your own Jo its important to let others help"
i know i know -________- just easier said than done
and id lost a few tears at this point
so i went home and grabbed my stuff and had a quick bite to eat and saw Oz
then went over to jack's at 9pm he asked me to bring my laptop and drawing stuff
he was home alone
we sat and talked
he told me ive been invited for a 60th birthday party of his aunt's at the end of the month which i could he thought was gonna scare me. it didnt. im happy to go my only trouble is is that its in birmingham and im not keen on driving to birmingham so i dont know how id get there :/
i told him that. i said if i cant get there i wont go basically but for him to have fun without me
i did some drawing til about 11:15pm
then we got ready for bed
i got no kisses at all tho as he thinks he has a bit of a cold
think we fell asleep around midnight
next thing i knew i was waking up to the morning -- odd
jack was awake he said morning and that it was 9am
i had slept through for 9 hours
I HAD SLEPT THROUGH.....
9 hours....
no pain killers
no sleeping tablets
i felt sooooooo much better and if im honest i had forgotten how it felt to sleep through and that feeling of a good nights sleep
ive slept 3 times through the night since november and that was due to being dosed out my head on pain killers and sleeping tablets so when i woke in the morning id feel like a zombie from the drugs
so natural sleep just felt amazing
jack said i looked better
guess i must have done as it was like first thing he said
i dreamed
i actually dreamed
i havent been dreaming as i havent been sleeping long enough of deep enough
i was dreaming of fighting zombie pirates
it was good actually
jack said i was talking in my sleep cus he thought i was awake
just shows how much i was into my dream
he said every time he woke up he saw i was still asleep he said it was weird seeing me sleeping so well
we got up and had breakfast and stuff
then we went and got 4 cushions as jack and theo want cushions made for their living room
and now i know what they want i can actually create!
we did his food shopping
then i pretty much sat and drew all sodding day
he played pokemon
it made a change
and he found it interesting watching me draw as he has never seen me at work before or the software i use. i let him have ago on my tablet and he found it weird which everyone does at first
but after many hours i got it finished and emailed to jack's work email address so he can print out the cards and get them signed
here's rebecca's
and alan's
not bad really and i know they will appreciate them
the whole of the science teacher staff will see my art work ><
jack was impressed and grateful
but im grateful to alan and rebecca for all their help
i left and came home
made myself a salad
then i went for a walk
had a shower
and did my diary now im gonna sit with Oz and go bed
i actually dont feel half dead
its weird i feel quite well
if i could sleep like that every night i could live a semi-normal life i think
see what comes of hypnotherapy which is looming
i go on tuesday...
tomorrow i plan on dancing in the morning
maybe ironing some patchwork
then school~
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