struggling :/

Ahhhh tired

Couldn't sleep
didnt get to sleep til gone 5am -____-
could not sleep
i was aching, thoughts were very busy, wasnt coping with being in the quiet of the night - alone, I can only sleep on one side due to having fresh ear piercings, and feeling sick from medication
I got up at midnight for a hot chocolate and then went to bed at 1am after listening to music -- loud >< i was listening to Predia im quite into their songs currently but their dances are too easy and simple to learn so at the moment im content with just listening to them but i like watching their live performances too as theyre actually idols my age!
i tried to go back to bed but yeah didnt go well then i just felt sick and i got up for 2 bowls of cereal at 4am then tried to go to sleep at 5am

i got up at 8am
and cus i looked like death i didnt bother attempting the Gyaru make up

I went into the city centre with mum
i was so tired and drained tho i have to say
but i knew she had been looking forward to going shopping with me so i went
she told me i didnt have to but i didnt want to let her down

we walked round shops
I got a really cool jacket that was reduced from £60 to £17!!! such good quality
and some shorts for £6 which were originally £22
also got some cute underwear as it was all reduced 
mum got a few pieces as well so it was worth the trip
we had lunch too i had something i had never tried before -- chocolate chip scone with nutella spread on it, it was really really good :3

we came home and i went to bed
i was done
then from there i cant really remember what i did really probably zone out XD
i went to yoga which wasnt too hard luckily
then i came home and finally met my brother's new girlfriend she seems nice
i told him last night about my drinking thing and ending up in hospital
and he said "i would have laughed at you, been worried yeah but i bet you looked like right lunatic like that. I wouldnt even drink on paracetamol. well done Jo as i have never ruined anyone's night before"
wow very harsh and brutal i have to say 0.0

i put some songs on my ipod tonight
as i would like to do my painting at some point
its behind my bed looking at me and i need to get going with the ponyta
but ive been unsure how to go about doing it, as i was in the last 2 minutes of yoga i had the painting suddenly mapped out before me how i was gonna do it! sometimes art happens like that in my head >< but im glad i know what im doing now
i just need to get on with it, so i have music at the ready
might do it tomorrow or at the weekend
id like to attempt the Gyaru make up as well soon

i achieved pink in my hair yesterday
im pleased with it as its a nice colour
usually after wash 1 it has practically washed out
but ive just showered after yoga and even tho my hair is still wet i can see pink
so fingers crossed its actually worked this time!

so yeah thats it really
might go shops with mum tomorrow or do art or do make up
didnt text jack yesterday or hear from him and the same goes today
should i be the first to text? it feels weird not hearing from him 

im struggling mentally tho
i was told that upping my pain meds could mess with my antidepressant
and i think it is
as im not right
stuff feels not right and messy at times
i cant look at myself - more so
i think i weigh far more
im struggling with people looking at me
i want to cry a lot
i dont like quietness as thoughts feel louder
i have had self harm thoughts too
i want to starve myself
i cant face the nights alone
yeah im not right
but hoping it passes