Truth & Fears

Evening

despite it being a friday night, Jo was in bed for 9pm
Id had enough!
I slept pretty well too

This morning I got up at 8am
and saw the pigs downstairs
I went to clean them out at 8:20am whilst my mum and dad were still here
they left at 9:10am
i knew my dad wouldnt be able to get my mother out the house for 8:30am
and the sheer amount of stuff she took with them 0.0
unbelievable
only going for ONE night
but still they left
so I had my breakfast in peace and quiet

I did 30mins of straight dancing which I enjoyed
then went for a shower
then I made some more biscuits as I ate mine X3
i rested on my bed for a bit but got a txt from jack saying he was on his way
so i decided to have some lunch

he arrived and we sat and had a tea
i popped out to the garden centre for work stuff but they didnt have what we needed
we came back and i said "we can book japan if you like"
so we started looking and got up flights and such
took it slow and things
and i could feel jack tensing beside me and he just came out with "im scared Jo"
and he cried
yup he cried
i was a little taken back at first but was quick to put my laptop on the floor out the way and gave him a hug on the sofa
and i just held him whilst he got off his chest everything
and i mean everything
stuff hes held in for such a long time

it was basically 
he hasnt been abroad as an adult
he scared going to the other side of the world
to a country he cant understand the language in
i've been off with him and he cant work out why
he worries something bad will happen
he cant face driving as it scares him
he was scared telling me all this
he didnt know how id react
he was scared of letting me down
it alllllll came out
and i was fine
i was fine with it
he was upset and i just talked to him gently about stuff
i told him i can wait for japan
that i knew i was throwing him in the deep end
that i will take him in my car to practice first to get over that fear boundary
that im not disappointed 
and that the fact of him not telling me all this has been hurting me as i havent been able to understand him and he seems to put more effort into the things he wants to do. whereas its because hes been too scared to do the things i want to do with him.
but because i didnt know his feelings on the matter it just looked to me like he couldnt be bothered. but really its because its all out him comfort zone.
i said he lives in a bubble
i felt like crying myself as the sheer amount of sadness and disappointment that radiated from him as i held him, like being an empath XD i felt like i could feel it

he said he felt much better after talking about it all
and i did too in a way cus i had been hurting and i wanted him to know it had hurt
that made him cry once more
i told him it makes me feel like im not important and he confessed im the most important thing in his life and he loves me so much. he'd do anything for me but hes scared
he said he wants to make a plan for this year
that maybe if we just do a small European holiday this year to start him off
 he says he wants to do better

so yeah not what i expected to happen
but that to me felt better than booking japan
as he was actually honest with me
i did tell him i was annoyed he'd held this in for so long without saying anything
and hes not to do that anymore as it hurts me and its not fair
but now i know and understand things and im glad
and im actually not upset about japan which is surprising me
im fine about it which im finding odd
but yeah im sure we will go at some point
we have the rest of our lives i guess

after all that i declared that we needed a brew
and i could tell he felt better
he said he hasnt cried in front of anyone in many years
and then we got up and went to the shops for wood to burn
cus thats how i work XD

we went to The Range and brought chopping board and wooden spoons and stuff
we had dinner when we came in tho as i was feeling hungry
the we got my pyrography set out
and i taught him how to use tracing paper but i ended up free hand drawing for him
and he burned pokemon into wooden spatulas which he enjoyed
and he said he enjoyed doing something creative with me even if it was just following a line with a pyrography pen. it was nice time spent together
then he went home

so i feel in a short amount of time a lot happened
im glad i know whats going off with him now tho as i was finding it hard at times
and im sure we will go on holiday together at some point
he said "im not as brave or as strong as you Jo" i never considered myself ether of these
but he seems to think so 
i said "yeah but i break down all the time"
he said "you get up everytime and keep going and tackle whats in your way"
maybe i will rub off on him in time
he says he does live in a bubble and needs to come out of his comfort zone
so we shall see
maybe things might change now hes confessed all to me

its 8:30pm
i am tired
dont think i will be late in bed tonight
tomorrow my parents are coming back around 4pm
it is mummy's birthday tomorrow she will be 55
i have her gift sorted anyway
probably dance in the morning
and do some art in the afternoon
got soup to make as well
and turkey stakes to cook for the week