What a cruddy monday

Evening

Last night before turning off my laptop i thought Id look
at if I am alright to take my medication to japan
turns out I have a slight issue there
i need to fill out a form and send it to japan to declare what i take and why and what dosage
nightmare of a job if im honest and dreading it
will certainly need help!
so that churned my stomach a bit
nothing is ever simple huh

i woke up at 5:15am and knew i wouldnt fall back off to sleep knowing i was up at 6am
at 5:45am i decided to get up 
i felt alright about school, it was chilly tho this morning had to defrost my car
Oz didnt bother to sit with me on the sofa he sat on the other end >.>

I got to school and stuff was fine
i made jack a coffee with the new coffee i brought him at the weekend
Jack was going on and on about his bloody scouts first air training
he turned to me and said "they want me to do summer camp, which 2 weeks during THEIR summer holidays, so if i wanted to do it id have to work the extra hours here first"
i said "jeez thats a lot of work"
he said "well if i stay half hour every day it will soon mount up"
and something inside me just snapped
it annoyed me just how much time he will put aside for others, for other peoples projects and how much effort he puts it into THEM not US.
so i turned round and said "just do what ever you want to do"
and i stormed off
i took myself off to the office next door just for a breather as my head was raging and i needed to calm that before i saw anyone else. especially jack as he'd be in the line of fire
i came back after i had semi-composed myself
he tentatively said to me "are you cross at me?"
i said "no i just wish you put the same amount of effort into us"
he said "yeah thats fair"

head of biology stormed in at that point demanding sheets she hadnt asked for and why she couldnt see them and i just couldnt give a crap at that point and said "if you cant see them its because i didnt know you needed them and therefor havent done them" jack saw the tension and did what she asked
after the staff had cleared off from breaktime i just sat in the corner of the office and silently cried, im good at silently crying
jack found me but i didnt want his comfort as he was part of my problem
i had such a busy head and didnt know how else to vent so i cry
i cried as well as i felt unwell and it was getting to me just how hard everything is. it was only 10:30am monday morning and i felt that dead. i was exhausted and thinking "how will i get through the rest of the day? the rest of the week"
jack told me to take as long as i needed but i didnt need his permission
i soon got up anyway no time for self pity

he later saw me and said if we could talk 
i dreaded what it was about but he sat me down
and literally treated me like a work friend 
it was all "youre not coping, how can we change things?" blah blah
nothing needs to change
its just my diet 
i have no energy cus nothing is giving me energy
and he doesnt help with the fact he does nothing towards our relationship
but i cant talk about that at work
cant mix work and relationships
so i just told him to be patient with my diet and i will feel better
i hated the way he talked to me, like he was my boss not boyfriend

i stayed out his way for the rest of the day
i couldnt even be arsed to talk to him at lunch if im honest
he asked if i wanted to stay over this week
but i said id see
i dont think i want to see him out of work hours
he does my head in and im tired anyway
i just wish he'd try for me for us the way he tries for others
i cant live with him whilst hes like this he just does nothing 
he says he doesnt deserve me and sometimes im started to see that
anyway

i came home and ranted to mum and ended up crying again
Oz just sat on the sofa falling asleep whilst i got it out my system
i put him away and did 40 mins of yoga followed by physio exercises

i got through the day
not looking forward to tomorrow as its fish head dissection 
woohoo -____-
gonna stink
4 times this week then its done
still grim
hope my stomach is strong enough 

got my stuff ready for school
might do some dance run though then get into pyjamas
hopefully things will be more positive tomorrow
ready for bed tho im shattered
and im sick of eating my weight in food every day
all my bottoms fall down which is annoying
and when i took my top off today i could see my ribs
this diet certainly works for weight loss
next monday im introducing foods!