first run 2020

Evening

couldnt sleep
was up til 3am just in pain and id had enough really
but i got up at 8am so didnt sleep too bad

i have done bugger all today
really unmotivated
tired, in pain, fed up
self destructive
the other day i took 150mg of codeine instead of the recommended 64mg
today i was trying to pierce my ear but gave up because it wasnt going anywhere not cus of the pain, the pain was welcomed 
i ached and ached
so decided to go for a run as i thought if that makes me ache then it cant make me feel any worse than what i already felt, was my reasoning

so i did a route that i used to do
i managed but did have to walk twice for a minute
as i literally couldnt breathe due to hayfever
i sounded like that penguin toy - weezy - from toy story 2
i sounded awful and my ribs and lungs hurt from trying to breathe
i came home and coughed and sounded like i was very heavy smoker
took a while for my lungs to feel ok, even after i could catch my breathe
i hate hayfever
my body ached after the run just from using different muscles i guess
but my knee joints hurt and i think running just isnt for me really
as much as i loved it like last year and the year before i just think its too damaging on my body and i already have bad joints and muscles, im making myself worse for no reason
so dancing and yoga it is :) it was nice going for a run but i didnt even enjoy it as much as i once did

i had a shower
and played on my switch in bed
laid in bed
zoned out in bed
just didnt want to involve myself in the world
i havent done anything
my brother says he is going ether tomorrow or tuesday to stay at his girlfriends family house for a couple of weeks
so im gonna find that hard and im dreading him going
im on the edge as it it, never mind losing him as well

i told jack i wasnt that happy with life
i spoke to him for 15mins 
he said i can come stay with him for a couple of days
he wasnt that impressed to find out i had been falling into my self destructive ways
and he said even if i just come over to sleep properly at night it would be something
as i do seem to sleep better a lot of the time with him there
i will see
if my brother goes and i go then my mum will be alone
with dad....

im sure tomorrow will be a better day
i will have to check my work emails and see if i have had any work come in from over easter
ugh i might actually have work to do....

tonight is the first episode of the 3rd season of killing eve
actually something i want to watch on tv! 
oh and i trimmed truffle today and did a really good job of her she looks so much better and tidier and even younger. she was much better behaved and yeah im pleased with her hair cut and so is mum :)