Ordered Bio Oil to repair the damage I have done to myself

 Evening

I managed to get to sleep but I woke up and then had to get up as I hurt so much

so i had cereal and pain killers

my usual routine in the middle of the night

i got up at 8am

This morning I got into the car with mum and got out where she worked

so I could walk home, just gave me a different walk really

i walked for 50mins i was a bit sweaty afterwards

got home and sent over the form me and jack filled out yesterday, sent it over to jack

then did 30mins of dancing til i was shaky sweaty mess -____-

felt better for exercise

had a shower and a brew 

then i worked on my christmas tree lolita bow

finally got it finished, looks cute.  i will take a photo~

i had a bit of a rest and mum woke me up with cake mix X3

sat with Oz in the living room with the fan on him

he had stupidly decided to lay under a bush but the sun was on him

so he was hot bunbun 

i cooled him off and he sat there for an hour on the sofa!

lazy bunny X3

then i was looking at stuff online, housey things and christmas decorations

stuff to design but was getting a little to immersed in it all

sometimes i get too carried away with design

so i got up and did 20mins of dance learning and i have just about finished the Angerme dance, a slower more controlled movement dance so i have been finding it tricky but i am getting the hang of it now and it feels good to have reached the end of the song

so today i have done 100mins exercise~

how im not skinny i will never know -____-

mum suggested i order some Bio Oil

i brought some online and my god its expensive it best work!

during lockdown i was a bit mental and basically removed the skin on my calves and shins using my nails, until it bled. it has taken sooo long to heal, cus i wear compression socks during the night and not letting my skin breathe, it is slowing the healing process down

i have tried to not wear my socks but i am just in too much pain without them sadly

so i have been putting expensive derma care cream on my legs and they are healing but the skin is now different shades - reds, purples, pinks

i have wrecked my skin

i am so annoyed at myself for doing it

but i was in so much pain and distress i just needed to feel something else

i different pain

so i scratched and i suppose its the same sort of release as self harming (not that i have ever done that!)

but im annoyed at the damage i have done to my skin

it looks a mess 

jack has seen them and he just looked sad at me and hugged me. he is just glad im ok but he does watch my hands as sometimes i scratch without thinking and sometimes it is my legs

but luckily the last few weeks i have made an active effort to not touch my legs and put cream on twice a day. but i need more than a cream. Bio Oil is suppose to be good for scarring basically

we shall see if its worth the time and money

tomorrow

probably find something creative to do after my walk and work out

my Switch should be ready for collection on thursday!