Evening
Yesterday wasnt good really
I woke up early to ring school up and started my day
mum took me down to a shop to change a un-used paint so i could trade it in for another before the recipt expired, and literally just doing that killed me off. I wanted to come home.
We came home and took Oz round to the bungalow for the first time. Just me mum and Oz for about 25mins as I didnt want to stress him out. But it turned out he loved it! I let him run round all the rooms apart from the living room, he chose not to go in the kitchen due to the noise of the fridge but I am sure he will get confident with it next time. I took a photo of him at Jack's computer and sent it to Jack at work who thought it was very cute. So it was a nice little bit of happiness, seeing my bunny in his new home.
Jack came to see me after school
we had dinner and went over to the bungalow, he tried to set the tv up for us to watch but with no internet and aerial cable the tv was as good as useless to us so he switched it off and set up my Inuyasha dvd on his laptop as we always said we would watch inuyasha together once in the bungalow as he has never seen it. So we watched 3 episodes, then tried to go to sleep but I was restless. I had managed a bit of yoga earlier in the day but it still wasnt up to the usual amount of exercise my body is used to. So i had a fitfull sleep.
This morning we got up and had breakfast together in the living room, it was nice actually as we could see the garden, whereas usually when we eat breakfast before school its pitch black out there and we cant see anything. We washed all the new kitchenware and new plates I brought over last night which had been in my dad's wardrobe all year! so the kitchen is fitted out with stuff for making food now so Jack can be more independent and make his own food now
then I went for my hair cut, which I was relieved to have. I feel much better for a tidy up. I walked in tho and it was quiet. Like just my hairdresser and a client. I said "it's quiet" she said "it has been busy this is just a quiet spot" but when her client left she told me she had had to make her 2 hairdressers redundant after working with them for 30 years...how sad. But she said if another lockdown hit she wouldnt be able to afford their redundancy packages so she would be out of business all together, whereas this way she can still work. Yet another thing corona has ruined.
i left there and went home, jack joined us shortly after and we had lunch but as I started eating my cobs my dad came home and said to my mum that he had just seen Karen's husband and they are testing her for cancer, even tho she got the all clear this january they suspect she has cancer in 3 of her organs...im not a doctor but even i know that not good. I thought i was gonna be sick. I stopped eating and just felt numb. I cried against jack's jeans. Mum came in and saw me, mum had tears in her eyes too. Karen is probably the most loveliest, kindest soul I have ever had the fortune to meet. I can not believe this. It was bad enough finding out she had breast cancer the other year. But this is just unfair. I want to cuddle her. She will be poorly and suffer. it stinks
we left there and Jack went to the bungalow to wait for internet man between the hours of 1pm and 6pm talk about wait in and waste the day! I walked off to go get some air as i hadnt been out for days. I bumped into mia and rob taking the dogs for a walk and spoke to them for a bit it was good to see her. I am seeing her on 21st to swap presents!
I walked back home and had a minute then washed my car as it was filthy and I have now got to put L plates on it as jack is insured on my car as of tomorrow - as a learner driver of course. So i wanted my paint work to be clean before I put them on. It looks so much better
my brother went into the loft for me to look for granny's clock for me and we found it. I clock i have kept for several years since she died. I love it and cant wait to have it up. It will make me think of her
I can't eat, I just cant face food. I had a little piece of bread earlier and that was it. It's 7:50pm and I am waiting for Jack to come in from his driving lesson and then we need to eat but I cant do it. I keep crying and I am not even sure why I am crying. My stomach is twisted and I feel crippling anxiety like I am gonna sit and exam. If I think about school I cry. I feel like someone has broke my mind. Whats wrong with me? My mum says its just tiredness and everything going off around me my dad says i need help and need to up my anti-depressants but I dont really want to increase my meds just cus i am having a hectic time and moving out which is life changing. I want to be able to get through this.
I can not even face school tho on monday, mum says if I cant go then dont go kinda thing.
we shall see
I am at the bungalow tonight then we are doing our first food shop tomorrow morning and also I am gonna let Jack have a go in my car for the first time! I get to see how he drives
I hope I sleep tonight
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