thats it now

 Evening

Last night think I drifted off before Jack came to bed, but found out this morning he had been up til 1am playing games >.> I woke up at 9am which is too late for my liking.

I tried to do some dancing this morning, I complained to Jack that the other sofa is in my way so he sorted the furniture out in the room and left me to it, he was gonna 'chill' then do his jobs when I went out. I said "no Jack im cracking the whip here, youve gamed for 4 hours every day for a few days you can bloody well get on with some jobs" he couldnt tell if i meant it or not, checked the clock to see it was almost 10am and said "yeah fair I'll get on with it" I went to dance but I need that stupid old chandelier taking down cus I was worrying about hitting it, I had new socks on so I was slipping around so my foot work was terrible. And what was worse was that dances I have done quite literally 100 times I could not remember how to do them...complete mental block like I had forgotten how to dance. Awful awful session. I gave up and did some yoga then took a shower

When I got out I left Jack with his list of chores and went over to mum's she made me a cup of tea and I sat with her and Oz then got on with the sewing I needed to do. She wants two cushion covers making for her friend's bday in January. I worked hard on it but couldnt do a design I wanted so gave up and just did standard cushions. But mum was more than happy with the end result.

I sat with Oz again and the girls as well. I had lunch with mum as well. I remembered that I still hadnt got mia a birthday card. I usually make one but I just havent had time. So I did that as well! taking inspiration from a design of card she designed and sells herself and did my own version of it XD I hope she likes it and finds it funny. Took some more bits over to my house as well

I got back and me and Jack had a brew

he told me he had managed to clean the garage - I havent been to inspect

blocked one end of the garden where Oz could get out but hasnt done the gate as it hasnt stopped slating it down today so he didnt want to get too soaked which is fine

he didnt stick the coving up as he said it's a 2 man job - which yeah fair

and he hoovered and tidied up

brought all the pieces of the wardrobe inside from the garage from Oz's teeth

cleared the spare room so we can redecorate in there

so I was mighty pleased with how much he did

we finished our tea and went to go do the coving, which did take us both to hold up. We had 5mins before 'no nails' set. it took jack 3 mins to actually put it on the coving, we were using his phone to time us. and then we had 2 mins to hold the bugger up! its made of plaster so its quite weighty but its still holding!

we warmed up our left over pasta as well and had that

we finished today what we do in the shadows, glad theres a season 3 ^^

just not sure what to watch next really.

Then we had the job of taking over Jack's family's presents. He thought we wouldnt be allowed in due to covid. I drove us in the pouring rain, it was dark and puddles the size of lakes on the roads. Like I had to use other lanes to get out of the reach of the puddles! Jack said he would drive back but I said I was struggling so her certainly isnt driving back.

We gave them their presents at the door and they welcomed us in....

was not expecting to be invited in. i had my scruffs on, messy hair, crippling tummy ache from dinner and my pain killers were due in an hour

she kept us on the other side of the room and didnt come near us, it was like the family vs jack and Jo XD but i enjoyed seeing them I just ached and had stomach ache and was tired. I couldnt moan too much as we got told that the family cat has days to live basically. So Jack, who loves his cat, it was his last time to see the cat. But he sat her on his knee and fussed her but that was it....like id be in pieces.

we left at gone 9pm and I had to drive back shattered. They gave us a boot full of presents, literally only just fit them in my car 0.0 jesus....

I asked jack how he was feeling about the cat he said he was just keeping it together, he wanted to cry. But I knew his mum was only just keeping together so Im guessing he was staying strong for her. Wondered why he was a bit absent of emotion. But yeah. Queenie is sweet tho. I feel bad for them seeing her so poorly.

I came home ranting about tummy ache, aches, it was 9:30pm and I wasnt in my pyjamas so jack was like "so go sort yourself out!" XD i just like ranting at him

walked into the bedroom and stripped off and caught my reflection in the mirror....

i have gone a long time without seeing my naked reflection

i could have cried. honestly i dont know how i kept it together

I HAD NO IDEA THINGS WERE THIS BAD

I AM FAT

no other words. My body is hideous. awful.

I cant look again. 

i hate it so so so so much. I want to cry

i texted mum saying i didnt know i had let things get this bad

so thats it now. no treats for Jo

it's 10:30pm I still have tummy ache and cant stop thinking about my weight

god knows if i will sleep. i just want to cry and let it out.

typically i have been good today - mentally

tomorrow

christmas eve, have nothing planned other than seeing mum and Oz and finishing Mia's birthday card