was painting

 Evening

Yesterday I couldnt get to my laptop to do my diary....my craft room was just a MESS

but the mess involved A LOT of WET paint. So I didnt feel it worth dropping something on the carpet or anything so just left it really.

But yesterday I didnt sleep very well. Jack again keeping me awake

I saw my mummy for a morning walk :3 

I came home and had a cup of tea with Jack but he wouldnt let me have it til I had used my inhaler >.> I confessed to him and mum that I havent been using my steroid inhaler for about 3 weeks now

at first I did genuinely forget then I thought "do I need this?" another medicine in my life to take you know? but Jack has been pointing out how out of breath I get on walks and mum saw yesterday so I thought I would confess my sins. Jack has been on my back about using it now >.> 

yes Im stubborn

I did a fair bit of painting yesterday, started my canvas and drawers. I cleaned Oz out too and also made some more biscuits to snack on

mum dropped off some parcels which was nice of her

she txt me later saying she had made scones but forgot to halve the recipe so she had made too many XD I asked if I could come over for one

so I saw her for the 3rd time that day! X3 So I had a scone whilst mum cooked her dinner and then I sat with my brother whilst he ate his dinner which was nice

I saw the girls briefly and helped tilly with her meds, mum says shes really good ^^ we caught it early so she seems to have healed up. Of course in her having her medicine molly thought she was getting something good and starting squealing in her cage --___--  I walked back home carrying 4 scones mum let me have for me and Jack ^^

I came home and had a bath and watched anime with Jack and Oz

Last night I didnt sleep well again T^T Jack was snoring and my mind was going at 100mph

so I felt dead when i woke up at 7:30am. I got up for Oz who didnt give me a single lick >.>

Jack woke up at 8:30am and we had breakfast together and got ready to go shopping

I could not be arsed but I got it done with next no anxiety

I was so dead tho 

we came home and put it all away then had a scone and tea ^^

Jack helped me make my soup and then I cleaned the bathroom and he hoovered the whole house - this is a usual routine for us.

We had lunch and I felt pretty dead but I needed to do my dusting so I got up and dusted the living room, hall and bedroom. Then flopped on the bed for an hour

when I got up I went for a walk with Jack, I could not be arsed but I did it

I do have a lot of tiredness lately which is partly due to my anxiety and depression and partly due to me still getting used to my increase of antidepressants. It is hard. And I do question sometimes why life is so hard and unfair but I somehow just keep going. Not wanting to give in and waste life. Yes I can waste up to 3 hours on the bed sometimes each day but I managed everything in the day I set out to do. I just have to take more breaks than most people and I dont get to do what I WANT to do, I just get done what I NEED to. So in that instance it does feel massively unfair as I watch Jack get his chores done then goes to do what he WANTS to do. Whereas I have to rest. I will never have it easy. But I chose to not let rule my life. I do try my best. even if its not what my mind is telling me to do that instant. If some days my anxiety feels crippling and huge. I still fight on. The fight is harder some days but I still get up and continue. I am grateful I am the person I am as I feel I could easily live the life of a hermit which is how many people with depression and anxiety live. But I think id rather be dead then do more time in a coma like state. AS it was like being dead. I did nothing and remember nothing but aged 2 years. Not sure where this rant has come from but I guess my mind has been busy lately ^^;

Im gonna go chill out with Oz now ^^;

tomorrow

I am really really really hoping tomorrow happens

Ed is visiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I havent seen him in over 2 years!! Like last time I saw him me and Jack had only just starting dating!

I cant wait to see him ^^ be so good to see him

be weird that he lives the furthest away out of my friends but hes seeing the house before them!

I hope he can make it tomorrow 

he says hes happy to just come over and chill, I said I would cook for him

so just gonna feed him pulled pork cobs I will put on in the morning to slow cook

Can't wait ^^

I cleared my desk and craft room a bit this evening so I could do some weights and actually use my laptop! ^^;

Im also going to bed by myself tonight, Jack is gaming late with Harvey and Theo I said to him to ask them and he did not hesitate XD but he said to get him if I need him. Just hope I can sleep without him. At least theres no snoring