it was karen's funeral

 Evening~~

I slept well last night, after laughing at the 'science fell in love' anime

I got up for school and my legs felt a bit better, I was glad I had chosen not to exercise last night

my first thought today was "its karen's funeral" I had even dreamed of my granny and was crying telling my mum how much I miss granny. I think its because granny and karen died in the same manner

school tho, the moment I started walking round school my legs hurt....

yet another day in awful pain

I was keeping an eye on the time. Thinking about mum going to the funeral, about karen etc

I had had enough tho, just being on my feet hurt.

I felt quite flat but was doing my best to keep it together

I got home and found mum here and she had let Oz outside but he didnt appreciate it XD

Jack went upstairs leaving us alone

mum talked to me about karen's funeral. She brought with her the little book you get at funeral with a lovely photo of karen on the front which made me want to cry just from seeing that

it sounds all in all that the family did brilliantly holding it together. Mum said they had painted her casket which was something karen had said to me years ago - before her cancer - thats what she wanted to happen when she died. I was glad her wish came true.  Mum said you could even touch the casket! but mum didnt. She also didnt go to the wake just because of covid and how many people were going! also mum is still recovering from her virus and said the funeral did her in. Funerals are exhausting tho.

I started crying, I couldnt keep it together any longer. I thought about karen, granny, life. Yeah i let it out.

I did dinner when she left not that I felt like it, I just wanted it done out the way

I cried for an hour then after then

the mask I do so well to wear, to keep that brave face on, to pretend all is well

fell off. I just silently cried. Jack hugged me and went to wash up but was keeping an eye on me. He cuddled me after he had finished. I told him I was fine. There was no need to go into the usual thing wrong with me - being long term sick and how it impacts my day to day life. I also felt I had no right to cry today as Karen's family must be going through hell right now.

I couldnt exercise, I was wiped and felt dizzy and headachy. So I decided to grab a quick shower. I wasnt in the mood for a bath, thought it would make me feel worse. A shower kinda brought me out my symptoms. I am just sat doing this whilst sitting with a face sheet on. To try calm the inflammation on my face and swelling

I might get round to drawing. Last night I attempted drawing for a few mins but my eyes were so blurry and tired that everytime I drew a line I pressed UNDO afterwards. I gave up. I was just so shattered that I ended up getting ZERO time to myself and went to watch anime with Jack before bed. But I may attempt it again tonight

tomorrow

I AM WORKING FROM HOME

I have plenty to be getting on with, I refuse to put myself through another day of pain for work. I missed my friends funeral for work, I am in so much pain I do not want to waste my weekend recovering from work. So I put my foot down and said to Jack I would be working from home tomorrow. I had made this decision earlier at school when my legs were screaming at me so I prepped for tomorrow and monday so to take the stress off Jack. Jack is fine with me doing this. Mum said she will come eat lunch with me so it isnt a long day of being by myself.

so it should be a nicer day on my body mentally and physically tomorrow