Seeing my brother at work

 Evening

Its been a week~~~

I worked from home on friday due to me spending thursday night on the toilet which followed through to the friday morning. I felt awful when I woke up but went to school. Set up a practical then by 9:30am I was leaving school to work from home. I got a fair bit of work done but not til the afternoon. I came home and slept for 2 hours. 

Saturday I did so much

I did food shop, went to mums to trim the girls and bath the girls, cleaned Oz out, cleaned bathroom, trimmed Oz's claws, made a cake, marinated some meat, cut up some meat, went out in the evening to a shop with Jack.

Today I have done an hour of yoga, wrapped my brother's presents, cooked a load of meat, made soup, made a cake again. and finally done some more of my art work, watered my plant babies. 

of course I keep going outside with Oz and spent time with Oz indoors as well. My life revolves around that beautiful loaf. I weighed him again and hes lost 60g so hes now 2870g hes in the 2.8kg section! hes doing so well I am so proud of him. I did think he'd lost weight he looked thinner. I can spot that cus I spend so much time with him. 

my brother did his first whole week at work, hes doing so well. Its VERY weird seeing him at school. Monday was the first time I had personally seen him at work. And I had to do a double take XD it was so strange seeing him in MY workplace. But he doing so well and I hope hes enjoying it. Seems like he is and its working for us as he's kindly bringing Jack home ^^

next week

just another week really

tuesday is my brother's 28th birthday. I will go over with Jack after school to mum's so he can open his presents :) I think he's going out for food with his girlfriend that day. I hope he likes his gifts, I always try hard for him. But Tuesday also is the day science department is going out for a meal - pizza express. I for one do not want to attend but Jack does and thats perfectly fine. so I will be dining alone with Oz that night

friday, I think I am working from home that day as we have been invited to go over to Matt and Brandon's for Brandon's 30th birthday. Id like to go, so if I dont attend school I should hopefully have energy for that. I didnt go to the party last year, this year I need to make the effort to socialise. Especially as I didnt meet up with them all the other weekend. They MIGHT be going into the city centre for drinks - I will go home by this point. Saturday, its a meal out for Theo's 30th XD they share VERY close birthdays. That night may also end up with drinks in the city. I am not sure if I will attend any of this yet as we dont know where he wants to eat out. If its like Indian or Chinese, Im out, no way I can eat that food. My stomach will die for a whole week....

and thats it really nothing amazing this week really. Just returning to work felt hard XD

The worst experience, Endoscopy Colonoscopy

 Evening

what a week!!!

its been half term~~~

so monday I went for a dog walk with Mia, which was nice it was good to see her for the first time this year. We were gone a good hour and my legs hurt. We went back to her house and she showed me her amazing new bathroom she gave me my birthday presents too. A retro pencil case, a bath bomb from lush and a watering can made of pot that has cute gloves inside - perfect for watering my indoor plants.

I got home and put my dinner in the slow cooker, had lunch then Ed showed up! it was all pretty full on but it was good, he stayed for some hours. We just caught up really, he bought with him this patchwork game. He first played me and I won then he played Jack and Jack won XD lovely to finally see him. Its been such a long time but it wasnt awkward we kinda just pick up from where we left off. I have known him over 10 years and I can not believe that!

tuesday, haaaa tuesday....-_____-

tuesday was  HARD

I had to start to starve myself. So by 9am I had to eat my breakfast which was just chicken breast - my breakfast was limited choice from what I was allowed to eat. Then the rest of the day just water. Yup just water. I felt full of air and liquid. I was 'suppose' to drink 2 glasses of water every hour but I would have thrown up, theres no way I can fit that much liquid in and without food to soak it up so I just did my best. Despite Jack nagging me to drink more...The day was so hard. I felt so uncomfortable. At 4pm I had to begin the medicine drink.....sweet jesus. I tasted like cheap lemon sweets and smelled like it too - proper lemon chemical. Which you may think is fine and you could drink it. I had to drink a litre of it which is A LOT then a litre of water all before 6pm baring in mind I had been just drinking all day. then start the next litre of medicine and litre of water at 6pm. 

This was all to make me empty the content of my bowels. However to say I started it at 4pm, by 8pm I was concerned that nothing was happening. I thought I would be ringing the hospital up to saying "sorry you cant do it as I havent pooped yet!" 

Jack nagged me that I hadnt finished all the medicine....I could have murdered him. I shouted at him saying "dont you think I would have if I could have!? I can not physically fit anymore fluid in me! leave me alone I have done my best. besides doctors have no idea how big of a woman i am the UK average is a size 14 I am a size 10 so it might be impossible to fit all that in me!" as I had fallen short of about 500ml of medicine

we went to bed and at 10pm thats when the explosions started.....oh my god for the next 4 HOURS I destroyed that toilet. It was horrible. Just horrible. I felt awful. I felt weak from not eating and emptying myself out. my stomach felt like 9 months pregnant of air and water, I didnt know how I was suppose to sleep when i felt this rotten. 

I woke up at 7am needing to run to the toilet yet again... my toilet was just a smouldering pit after id finished with it...

so this led us to wednesday

the day of my procedure

I was nervous as hell. I still wasnt allowed to eat and the last drink of water I was allowed was at 8:30pm 

Jack drove us to the hospital and we were 15mins early but even so I was called straight through like they had all been waiting for me, so it gave my anxiety less time to build. I was asked my name and date of birth 100 times. My blood pressure was taken sooooo many times. I was so nervous. The doctor who would be performing it all came to see me and put a needle thing in my arm. I usually lay down for needles but he didnt let me he just held my hand and did it all with the other hand, he was a pro I give you that. I was visibly shaking at this point and my eyes watered and i whimpered i probably looked like such a wimp. Jack watching on and encouraging me. then I had to get changed into a gown and these disposable shorts. I then went into the minor procedures room.

in there were 5 staff total. And the staff made it. Honestly they were amazing. so for the first procedure the endoscopy I had opted to be knocked out - to be honest I thought I was being knocked out for the whole thing but anyway. They sprayed the inside of my mouth with this god awful spray and it numbed the whole of my mouth and as it went down my throat it numbed my throat, wind pipe etc it was a very odd feeling. I had to put a mouth piece in my mouth to protect my teeth and keep my mouth open. Then they knocked me out and the next thing I know I was being woken up and asked to role onto my other side. they were starting the colonoscopy....

but i am awake!? I said "dont I get more stuff to get knocked out?" and he said "no no you cant have anymore" so thats it? I have to endure this awake!?

so then I was having 1 whole metre of camera rod shoved up my arse hole. it was very uncomfortable and whats more I was watching it all on a big tv. It was a very surreal experience and I think I bled my adrenal glands that day. I was just watching my insides and whats more I was watching jet my insides with water and air but also cut my insides up! I felt no fear or worry and I feel this was down to the previous drugs in my system.

He removed a few lumps from my intestines that given time could become cancerous he also noted my stomach is inflamed he also took 7 biopsies from my large intestines. Just go ahead and cut it all up doc it dont work anyway!

when he was finished and said farewell to my arsehole on screen, my blood pressure was taken another 100 times until in the end I asked the nurse "is it low or something?" she said "yeah its just always low its not coming up" I said "thats just me, mine is always very low" then with that Iwas wheeled through to the recovering room, that was the best bit the wheeling through! 

in the recovery room my blood pressure what checked more and yup still low guys. I asked or more like begged to go to the toilet. my back end was wet....now cus I couldnt see I wasnt sure if it was wet from water from the doctor or poo. During the procedure they said I might feel the need to fart and to please do so, but given the state of my stools lately I couldnt risk farting as I didnt trust said fart. So I needed to check if my arse end was clean. So I had a doctor on each arm take me to the toilet. It revealed to just be the water from it all, thank god. I went back to my bed and then I was allowed to get changed.

then I was taken to a room where jack was allowed in and I got a cup of tea and biscuits. I had been told not to eat a load of food at once, the drugs can take a day to wear off, and I might poo blood. Then I was on my merry way.

Jack bought me home, but on the way home I ate the snacks I had bought with me~ this gave me horrendous pain in my stomach. I told Jack I shouldnt have done that cus they said NOT to do that. he was annoyed and wish I had told him sooner so he could stop me XD but I was starving I had gone like 30 hours without food for gods sake!

I got home and I had lunch I couldnt finish and I was in a ball of pain with hot bag, I think my stomach was just massively sore.

I did nothing the rest of the day apart from my mum and brother coming to see me and wanting to hear about it all. I couldnt finish my dinner ether. Since then in fact I am struggling with food its like they fitted a gastric band or something. No way can your stomach shrink that fast right!?

I was also STILL having to dash to the toilet. At one point just bloody tissue came out. I was THAT empty that my body was literally crapping out organs and tissue....

thursday~

our 4th anniversary! so we went into the city centre, I havent been in such a long time. I gave Jack before we went his gift which was a matching tshirt set with me! its pokemon and I wanted to twin with him and be a cringy couple XD we looked round a lot of shops and he offered to buy me stuff but I felt like it was just buying for the sake of buying. we had a hot chocolate which was amazing, I was so grateful of my stomach feeling more my own. I hadnt had to go to the toilet once! I got a few crafty things and Jack got warhammer things he wanted so he took me round his nerd shops. We went to the dessert place to find it shut but honestly I was struggling to walk by this point, id had enough. I enjoyed myself and I still had places I wanted to go but yeah I couldnt do it. And at this point we saw the bus home pulling up so I said to jack "can I just go home please" he was disappointed in himself for not checking ahead of time what dessert places were open so he could have taken me and that the whole thing didnt go to plan and that he didnt buy me anything. I was just happy I had left the house! not been to the city for 2 years! 

I then went after lunch for a himalyan massage. It was bloody fantastic and I almost fell asleep!!! it was soooo nice. She said to keep the salts on my skin over night as they have 83 minerals in for my skin to absorb.

I came home and just laid down. Completely done. 

friday -- today

I was planning on cleaning my house. However my body did not want to clean or do anything other than ache. I felt like I had fallen down a cliff. I am in horrendous pain. Its from walking round and from massage. Worth it all tho. So I have done very little today much to my frustration. Its all pressure I am putting on myself tho. So to feel productive I made my brother a birthday card and mum came over to dye my hair~ jack is gaming tonight and I am just hear doing a massive diary entry.

tomorrow

food shop in morning and the usual chores that I am hoping to be up for me, and maybe some of the cleaning I wanted to do today. I also am hopefully going with Jack to see his friends at harveys for pre-drinks or in my case no-drinks haha i want to see everyone and show my face as I havent been meeting up with them I usually just drop jack off. But I want to go, I wont be going into the city centre for drinks tho like Jack probably will with them all. I do wonder if he will be tempted to go home with me XD

sunday just chores and maybe clean the car, I dont wanna burn myself out before school like I said its just pressure I am putting on myself

I have ordered some japanese learning books online hopefully they will be good

Oz gets weighed tomorrow I dont think he has lost anything. His new tubes came this week and bloody loves them! its getting him moving more anyway

next week go back to school and I get to see Lizi again now shes back from her other school placement and also see my brother for the first time in the school environment!

in 6 weeks time I get my results back from the procedure. I am not worried. I just havent gone through all this to be diagnosed with IBS....

31~

 It's half term!! woo thank bloody god 

what a week!!! 

Monday night Jack's parents wanted to come over so they were over til 9pm. I was shattered! Nice to see them for the first time this year but not on a school night >< I had the day working from home which did help a bit

we were also told my brother can in fact start school on thursday! instead of the 20th february.

Tuesday, my birthday! I turned 31! officially my early 30s~ I got a card written by the science department, a gift from Lizi and a teacher. The school day was just another school day. I had lunch with mum and opened her gifts she got me lovely gifts like plant babies, 3kg weights, bunny ornaments, funky socks, chocolate teas. When Jack came home I opened his gifts which were some earrings I asked for from Ana Luisa - they have mushrooms dangling that glow in the dark! he got me some cute bunny stationary.

something else that happened on my birthday...I got a new car ^^; completely not expecting it. My dad rang my mum just as I was open my presents. He'd bought a honda jazz (my favourite car ever) from his friend and its 2014 so not 14 odd years old and yeah says I could have it. But I do not have the money for an 8 grand odd car. So he took my car and gave me the Honda.....my brother is getting money to make it fair between us.

it took days to sink in that I had an actual nice car to be proud of. but at first the whole thing wasnt sitting well with me.

1 I already owe my parents money for funding my house

2 my car works I technically dont NEED another car

3 I did not want to take MORE money from my parents

4 I wouldnt just be costing them money for the car but the additional money they would be handing to my brother

after expressing this to both Jack and mum separately, they both came out with the same argument! that basically

1 the car we have now is over 10 years old and not sure how long its gonna keep going for it looks and feels battered

2 your dad wants you to have the car otherwise he wouldnt have bought it 

3 eventually I would inherit my parents money so why not have something now they can see me enjoy

and yes this was all true i just felt a bit guilty about it all. so yeah I turned 31 and got a 'new' car! its proudly sat on the drive now. 

people asked me "what you doing for your birthday?" well nothing as I have half term next week so might as well do stuff then when I have time and energy so I probably looked dead boring haha we didnt even go out for food as that stresses me out. So I got off leftover food from christmas dinner and we had that and it was bloody fantastic!

wednesday  

same old day really at work, I had an awful phone call from a doctor stating I have got to have a camera down my throat, up my arse, biopsies taken of my intestines. yeah....I almost cried just on the phone. I am scared stiff. They said I could be knocked out for it all which yes 100%  I will be doing. I dont know HOW they knock you out tho but mum is coming with me thank god. I feel like I will be in tears that day. I am so scared. Nothing goes up my arse and the thought of something going down my throat makes me panic and want to be sick. I am scared.  safe to say, I did not sleep well that night. 

thursday, I was so burned out that I worked from home I did an all nighter! I was so stressed out with everything. That my pain was horrific in the night and no amount of painkillers was touching it so by 1:30am I made the decision to get an do my work through the night. I sat working on drama front cover.

I woke Jack up at 6am, told him I hadnt actually been to bed but did my 4 hours of work. I went to bed and work up a 11am. I was drained all day. 

friday I worked from home then mum took me out to choose some earrings from jewellers. I found my pair straight away no other pair compared and weirdly they were like one of the cheapest at £30 but I thought they were the best! we then went for lemon cake and tea at a cafe next to the jewellers. Nice time together ^^ Jack didnt have gaming and typically finished school at 2pm so he would have been early for gaming instead of the last to arrive!

so a busy week

and even tho my brother started school on thursday I havent been to school to see him there! but jack looked after him at times like at lunch time etc. They even travelled together on his first day :) But he seems to be doing well. Hasnt hated it or got upset. He says its a lot to take in but its interesting being on the other side of the classroom.

Oz had his bunny weigh in yesterday. He hasnt lost anymore weight. Its fine. I think I know why. He just isnt doing a lot with his little self. He only wants to play out if I am out with him. And after a while I am freezing! its winter! so I have ordered 3 5-way tubes  for him to play in and hopefully feel more confident with having things to hide in and will actually play out with out me holding his hand/paw....

next week~

its half term and before i knew it, my days got filled up!

so monday I am seeing Mia in the morning for a dog walk, then after lunch I am seeing Ed. I was suppose to see him last weekend I think but I was too tired and burned out and couldnt face it

tuesday is so far free....but dont want to jinx it

wednesday got the hospital

thursday our anniversary! so were going for bad food into the city centre then I have a massage

friday recovery day

saturday seeing jack's friends for drinks

ahhhhh its a lot >< 

i do need to socialise and actually leave the house tho

31 on Tuesday

 Evening

It's my birthday on tueday! entering my early 30s~

This week, I dont feel an awful lot happened. I worked from home once and got my work finished for the biology teacher that was a nice achievement 

work its self wasnt too bad really

my brother got his start date for work, 20th february which is when we go back after half term I am so excited to have him at school!

On friday Ed texted me to ask if he could see me saturday

saturday Jack was leaving around 1pm and coming back at literally midnight. He was going to birmingham for a family party. I was invited but it would have killed me off. He did not really want to go ether ^^;

saturday came round and from the moment I woke up I felt anxious and shaky. I didnt feel happy about the day at all

we came in from food shop and I cuddled up with Hammington. Jack found me after putting the shopping away he asked me if I was ok and stuff and yeah thats when I had a mini meltdown. Got upset and everything. Just couldnt cope with anything that day. Seeing Ed, having Jack leave, having him come back late. Just all of it wasnt sitting well with me. Think it was because it was all last minute and change of routine. Not to mention that the whole week I had felt a bit burned out and didnt sleep very well friday night -_____- 

so after i confessed all that he said he didnt have to go and all that. I said I would be fine and he should go. He then txted his mum saying i was sick and didnt want to leave me. I txted Ed and we had a rest day. I got my chores done in the morning and sat drawing in the afternoon whilst jack did warhammer. I felt awful cancelled Ed,  again. but i couldnt cope and wasnt in the best mindset. Socialising lately has become a very daunting task for me. I am so tired all the freaking time. Its not so bad when you know you will be with them like an hour or so but when theyre there all day its too much. I am too tired.

Oh and we weighed Oz, he was 2.9kg! our scales arent very accurate but I love him for maintaining anyway. He could have lost more but like I said theyre not that accurate. Im sure he will be 2.8kg next week cus I can see bunny shape on him!

I have been doing a pointless drawing in my sketchbook. Yup a drawing just cus I want to, no purpose, doesnt matter if its crap and yeah its good. I am starting to chill out with my art again. I think whats massively helped is quitting instagram, social media cus I am not looking at art and comparing myself to others. Thinking I am crap so whats the point in doing my art. Yeah best decision. Quit social media.

my brother came over yesterday with his Ebike. I have never even seen one. So he wanted me to have a go and that was an amazing experience! I can see how he got up to 44mph now. Hes so happy with it like a kid with a new toy but its good for him. 

today just done chores, bit of drawing and mostly resting. I am so tired. we went for a walk down the river together at 9:15am this morning. It was only 2c but I felt I needed it as part of the TLC weekend. 

this week

well tomorrow Jack's mum and step dad are coming over in the evening to drop my birthday card over and as we havent seen them since christmas they will no doubt stay for a bit....

tuesday jo's birthday

wednesday I am thinking of working from home and maybe going out for cake with mummy. maybe. also have a hospital phone call about my tummy

thursday normal

friday we have inset day and then school finishes!!