It was brought to my attention that it has been over a week since I blogged
I still don't feel quite up to returning yet but i will try
even if i end up not blogging tomorrow or the next day
today is better than nothing right?
I have been suffering from my depression big style lately
thats been my disappearance from online
ive basically been that unhappy and sad that i didnt feel like i wanted to write up or share my bouts of depression with people as its not nice to write or read.
I will give a quick brief on the past 9 days
Nienke and Anouk had their last day at school and were moved to tears from the amount of love and gratitude they received from the students. it was really lovely
i met there teachers also. they encouraged me to go over to the Netherlands
My depression started brewing up from there really
it just spiraled out of control
i imagine my depression as a jar in my head
i keep the lid on very very tight but when i am weak or upset the lid loosens
if i am strong enough i can screw the lid on again and get on with the day
lately the lid has been falling off and rolling away....
I have broke down in tears many times over silly things
tiffin has been poorly and i went to call the vets up, i broke crying before they picked up so i put the phone down.
every piece of art and craft i did i hated and binned
i have tried to record dances several times but end up deleting those also
nothing was good enough and so i lost my motivation
i slept a lot to escape my thoughts
it was the thoughts and the general bleak unhappiness that was consuming me
take today for instance i was rushed off my feet at school
i didnt stop as it was christmas activity day - a busy and stressful day
the head TA had been on my case all day ordering me around like a bloody skivy
no one was there with pleases and thank yous
and at the end of the day i couldnt find a cloth she asked for and that was it
i just broke down crying i ran to the toilets to try and dispel the anxiety attack
i couldnt so i left school without telling anyone - it was home time anyway to be honest
so i cycled home crying
sobbed to my mum when i got in
i just cant handle anything at the moment
im sure i'll break out of this
i usually do
its hard to find the strength to pick myself up
this is another reason i dont date
i wouldnt want someone to have to put up with this side of me i can see its hard
enough on my mum seeing me sob my eyes out over the stupidest of matters
so thats me
i am ok physically just not mentally
i will be tho
i will be ok
just bare with me
and this is all truth and not attention seeking or
feeling sorry for myself
i wasnt even gonna mention any of this i was just gonna return all happy and smiles again
but some people began to become concerned on my where abouts.
thank you to all those keeping me in your thoughts
Good Evening~~
I slept pretty well last night
mum woke me at 8:30am cus we needed to get off into the city center
So we got ready and left the house just about 9:30am
we could leave earlier if we didnt have the pets out XD
The city was busy but that was to be expected
still it wasnt too bad really
we went all over and got a fair bit actually
i was really done in from walking and carrying bags
we did both get our annual hot chocolate from the christmas market
i try to have a different flavour each year
this year it was chocolate orange~
I picked up some joggers, a dress which a lil weird but only £6!!! reduced ^^
oh and a 3/4 sleeve top reduced to £4! its peach coloured ^^
mum got a fair bit actually im glad she did
we caught the bus back to the car then drove to a pound shop cus we needed a few bits
i was well happy as i found a Kuromi plush!!!!
Look Look!!! Amazing right!
They had my My Melody plush too i was so surprised
i should photograph them together now theyre re-united
i got my My Melody plush a few years back from the city center for like £5!
poundshops are amazing~
We came home and soup for lunch
I went to bed mum kindly cleaned out the pets~
I got up and wrote Nienke's and Anouk's card
I also wrote things on my new calender
then I went for a walk with mia and helina
had dinner
now im here~
Tomorrow im at school and its Nienke's and Anouk's last day!!!!!! T^T
so Im taking in their cards and plushies :3
I hope they dont forget me ><
I will wear something good tomorrow as i wanna take a photo with them X3
Konbanwa
Jeez the fog today!!! It was like a thick mist
almost like being in a cloud
the sun didnt seem to come out today to burn the mist off
so we had it allllll day >.> cold and damp allllll day
This morning i went post office
jeez the line was soooooooo long!
but i got there. i dont want to think how much ive spent on postage
its sickening
so expensive to post anything now days
then i came home
i went on my laptop and applied for another school job
then i went to start making the soup mum asked me to do
hung washing up
mum came home i put shopping away
ate lunch
then we went to my college to pick up my folder
didnt see my teacher but i knew i wouldnt
then we went to a garden shop
i got a new plant as bugs ate mine >.>
so i can re-pot that at some point
i got a lil present for my hair dresser too
i'll photograph it
feel like i have a few things to photo lately actually ut keep forgetting
ive had crummy belly ache, sickness and dizziness since lunch
anyone would think im bloody pregnant XD i have no idea why im feeling this way
i suppose to see mia but i didnt cus i felt cruddy and i didnt wanna get cold also
so ive been home
agencies ringing me left right and center
not sure how to pass my evening yet
tomorrow going into the city center with mum
she wants a few bits before xmas
this could be the last time i go to the city center this year!
Nienke and Anouk finally txted me they are fine and feeling better
i was a lil worried
i cant wait to give them their cards (still need to photo) and their plushies
they are called Hagelslag i laughed cus of the SLAG bit at the end XD Nienke didnt get it XD
Basically hagelslag is bread with chocolate sprinkles on well any sprinkles really you can use butter or peanut butter also
ive had it
its nice :)
Good Evening~~
I couldn't get off to sleep last night
my brother has his tv on loud listening to the final of 'im a celebrity get me out of here'
my parents also had it on so it was double blasting XD
Even after everyone came to bed i still couldnt sleep
i had nightmares
i tossed and turned
got about 3-4 hours sleep
but still got up at 7am for school!!!
We did maths which i found difficult
followed by boring english
Nienke and Anouk were both off poorly
i txted Nienke but she didn't reply...slightly worried as they have never both been off together
and to not reply seems a lil off
but im sure its all fine
Nienke was suppose to teach tho today :/
I was tasked with making a card for her for the kids to sign
During lunch I was putting up a display for year 3
the teacher was pleased
the head teacher came round
"who has done the lettering for this?"
"me"
she gave me a smile and pat on the back =^.^=
after lunch i did odd jobs then it was art where i drew loads of random
christmas things for the kids
home time i came
I went to leave and saw the head teacher i told her i was leaving at christmas
she was saddened but understood that i needed to earn money
so we talked briefly before a parent needed to talk to her
i know the school will miss my presence i will also miss the school
i came
home had a brew
checked my laptop
went did 5 mins of skipping
shower and now im gonna dance i think
tomorrow i have post office to do~
im thinking of collecting my college folder also actually
i have cards and something for my hair dresser to make so i have stuff to do
my nails from last night
Konbanwa~
I woke up at 3am to here the washing machine going mental
i could imagine finding it half way across the kitchen floor XD
Dad was snoring like a warthog so that woke me
and at 7am helina's dog decided to have a nice long barking session
so i felt like i had a very interrupted sleep last night
I got up at 9am
The house was freezing! I checked the radiators - they were of...
WHAT THE HELL!?
mum says "oh i was a bit warm this morning"
she says with fleece pajamas and and extra fleece jacket >.>
take a flippin' layer off instead of making me freeze my arse off!!!
sheesh
So this morning mum helped me by packaging up my ebay stuff
im probably gonna make about £2 from all this trouble XD
all well~
Then I did some drawing
mum and dad were popping to the drug store before lunch
and i went with them
i needed odds and sods like body wash, deodorant, shampoo
all to keep me smelling nice~
i also picked up some hair removal cream,ive never had a go with it before so im gonna try it as razors are a little harsh on my skin during winter weather. so its worth a shot
came back had lunch - i was frozen despite eating porridge
i went into my bed to regain my circulation - i put on my winter fluffy socks, been waiting for december to whip them out ^^
I got up and did some dancing
then went into the garden with my skipping rope
i havent skipped in years!!!
i could still do it haha
but my god it was soooooooo hard!
I managed 5 mins or so but i was panting hard
so came in did some stretches and dances
hopefully try and burn some calories ><
then I decided i wanted to make Nienke and Anouk a goodbye card each
i did them british themed XD
i will photograph them sometime
i photographed my nails this week which have chipped pretty bad actually
tomorrow i have school
gonna wear another of my new charity shop shirts~
Good Evening~~
I survived last night
I was home safe at 11pm~
First today
I got up at 9:30am
I sat with my girls and told mum about my evening
I got dressed and went on my bike
then I went online
all the stuff on ebay sold!!!
I watched Lovelive Sunshine whilst I finished off the toast plushies
theyre done and photographed now
Then I went to bed
got up went for a walk with helina
she's lent me some wii dance games as im thinking of having ago
it might burn of some calories indoors
he wii isnt plugged in like mine so she wont need em back anytime soon
then I came home and had a shower and been dancing
got a few dances i wish to learn ><
Ok last night
I got all ready to go and left at 6:50pm to catch a 15min late bus >.>
When I got on the bus - one i havent taken in years
i remembered everything and how stressed i was going to college cus this was the bus i took to college my pre-driving days
no wonder i had a breakdown, i was constantly stressed! how i ever had friends i do not know
Anyway I arrived in the city which was full of late night shoppers and the german market was in full swing it was pretty all lit up
i walked down to the shop Nienke said she'd meet me at
i saw her and we walked to her apartment - i would have never found it
it was right next to the building i took my driving theory in 0.0
She took me straight to her's and Anouk's room
they were better than I had imagined and they had sooooo much stuff
seriously i have no idea how theyre gonna get it all home!
I met a few others who came to see me
then we went downstairs to the basement which was their living room + kitchen + lockers
bit of a weird set up
we set the 20 chairs in a circle and placed tables in the center
everyone started coming in and placing presents down
there was a good pile in the end
i was introduced to people as they came in but no way could i remember everyone
the dutch seemed to be the nicest people out the bunch tho
one dutch made a whole pan of hot chocolate whilst we pigged out on dutch biscuits
I remembered Neinke telling me theyve brought Cadburys's hot chocolate
which is not a bad hot chocolate so i was looking forward to it
when they were handed out i could really smell it
and it smelled quite strange
i took a sip and i got almond taste with something else
no way was this just cadburys hot chocolate
but i took several sips just to be polite
i noticed Nienke wasnt drinking hers
"how come you havent tried it Nienke?"
"it's got alcohol in it"
ahhhhh thats why it didnt taste nice. both me and Nienke dont do parties or drink
so she didnt drink hers and i put mine on the side
it wasnt the alcohol it was the taste. no way could i drink all that
found out that the dutch girl had poured a whole bottle of liqueur in the hot choc
she said "i love them together"
what she should have done was made hot choc and asked if anyone wanted liqueur in theirs.
so those few sips i had was the only drink i had all night
we started playing the present game which was strange but i got the hang of it
after round 1 you opened what gifts you managed to keep
i cant remember what i had i think it was 3 things - i did quite well
then the second round came
now you could see what the presents were things were funny
i rolled the dice and got 5 which was pick two people to swap presents
this guy who had nutella and really wanted it, i made him swap it for a my little pony figure XD
he was annoyed and people laughed
then the timer went off
what you had was what you kept
i ended up with a packet of 60 incense sticks sandlewood fragrance which i was happy with as myself and mum uses incense sticks. Lucky too as no one else there could use them due to having a smoke alarm in EVERY room.
At this point I left to catch the bus
The city was still busy even tho it was late
I txted mum to say i was on my way home
got in at 11pm
got ready for bed quick
did 5min of yoga to wind down then read in bed for a bit
and finally drifted off with help from sleeping tablets and relaxing oils
so yeah it was good experience
just going to the city center at that time of night was an accomplishment
tomorrow i plan to make some cards~
Good Evening~~
I woke up feeling crippled this morning
i couldnt work out why i felt so bad
then it came to me
yoga
jeez karen works us >.>
I got up and did the rest of sewing the beads on the toasts
whilst watching lovelive sunshine - which isnt that good but im seeing it to the end
then me and mum went for a 40 min walk round a local park which was nice
cold tho i have to say ><
I came back and had lunch
then I went to bed for a couple of hours to gather strength for my evening
when I got up i went online for a bit
i had a phonecall from that school i didnt like saying i didnt get the job
i was so relieved! cus i hadnt got my speech ready on how to turn em down
i have been invited for another interview at another school
but upon checking out their school website i dont think its for me
plus my parents dont want me in that particular dodgey area XD
I have sold 2 more things out the 6 i put on ebay :D
everything is finishing tomorrow im hoping it all goes
but 4 outta 6 is still good :3
Im just trying to get my picture of Joe done but I have been neglecting my drawing this week
ive had a shower and prepared everything for tonight
i just need to do my hair and make up and eat dinner then im off!
i am a lil uneasy about taking the bus alone to the city that time of night
but im sure i'll be fine
im not staying late anyway im sure they wont mind
im taking my ipod which is good company on bus rides
heres my wall art for the school~
these 2 are in year 6 classroom
and this one outside year 3
it isnt complete as the teacher doesnt know what work to put up yet
