It's been over a week already

It was brought to my attention that it has been over a week since I blogged
I still don't feel quite up to returning yet but i will try
even if i end up not blogging tomorrow or the next day
today is better than nothing right?

I have been suffering from my depression big style lately
thats been my disappearance from online
ive basically been that unhappy and sad that i didnt feel like i wanted to write up or share my bouts of depression with people as its not nice to write or read.

I will give a quick brief on the past 9 days

Nienke and Anouk had their last day at school and were moved to tears from the amount of love and gratitude they received from the students. it was really lovely
i met there teachers also. they encouraged me to go over to the Netherlands

My depression started brewing up from there really
it just spiraled out of control
i imagine my depression as a jar in my head
i keep the lid on very very tight but when i am weak or upset the lid loosens 
if i am strong enough i can screw the lid on again and get on with the day
lately the lid has been falling off and rolling away....

I have broke down in tears many times over silly things
tiffin has been poorly and i went to call the vets up, i broke crying before they picked up so i put the phone down.
every piece of art and craft i did i hated and binned 
 i have tried to record dances several times but end up deleting those also 
nothing was good enough and so i lost my motivation
i slept a lot to escape my thoughts
it was the thoughts and the general bleak unhappiness that was consuming me

take today for instance i was rushed off my feet at school
i didnt stop as it was christmas activity day - a busy and stressful day
the head TA had been on my case all day ordering me around like a bloody skivy 
no one was there with pleases and thank yous
and at the end of the day i couldnt find a cloth she asked for and that was it
i just broke down crying i ran to the toilets to try and dispel the anxiety attack
i couldnt so i left school without telling anyone - it was home time anyway to be honest
so i cycled home crying
sobbed to my mum when i got in

i just cant handle anything at the moment
im sure i'll break out of this
i usually do
its hard to find the strength to pick myself up
this is another reason i dont date
i wouldnt want someone to have to put up with this side of me i can see its hard
enough on my mum seeing me sob my eyes out over the stupidest of matters

so thats me
i am ok physically just not mentally
i will  be tho
i will be ok
just bare with me

and this is all truth and not attention seeking or
feeling sorry for myself
i wasnt even gonna mention any of this i was just gonna return all happy and smiles again
but some people began to become concerned on my where abouts.

thank you to all those keeping me in your thoughts