Evening~
Woops about to not do my diary then!
I didnt sleep well I took part in the vampire shift~
And woke up before 8am -___- sucks to be me sometimes!!
I helped clean the girls out
then me and mum went down to TK MAXX
she got a few pieces
I got 2 bras and 2 pairs of tights and some leggings
i picked the tights up cus one pair was reduced to 30p and the other 50p!!
you cant complain about that
1 bra was £2 and the other £6! bargin and theyre ones ive had before so i know
they fit and are comfy
but this was my best find....
Tomato!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X3
Its tomato face moisturiser basically
i could tell it was korean from the packaging
it was reduced to £5 but I couldnt resist it!!
its so damn cute!!! >w<
I will have ago tonight
hope it doesnt turn my face into a tomato XD
It's by the creme shop which i know is a decent brand
We came home
I gathered my stuff and went over to adam's
since last night i had stupidly been anxious about what id be eating at his house
stupid stupid
i took some nail varnish also~
At his house we sat and talked
then went to get food I had a baguette with chicken stuffing and apple sauce on
it was pretty good.
we had a sit down and i did his mum's nails :3
i was so surprised she trusted me to do them as she hasnt worn nail varnish for 10+ years
she says, so I didnt want to go mad and i was unsure on what colours she'd like
so I did a pale beige base, with a nice bright pink heart in each bottom corner on her nails then put a top coat over the top to say she was happy with them was an understatement!!!!
I told her anytime cus i dont mind i enjoy it and its only nail varnish~
Me and adam played darts but i was tired and wasnt in the mood but could tell he wanted to play both games i lost
before we played darts we'd had a good play fight XD
his dad made me a brew! i cant even remember the last time my dad made me a drink!!
I had 'complained' that the mirrors in the house are too high and i couldnt see in any of them
only 1 in the bathroom but it wasnt brilliant
basically theyre all taller than me in that house >.>
and i keep saying "i aint small damn it!"
im 5.5" and his mum is 5.8" his dad is taller and then adam is 6.5" -_____-
his dad has been painting adams room, turns out he hasnt had it redecorated since he was a child! jee i cant help but change my room cus i grow outta stuff and get bored of the same scenery and i like to change things up - i cant wait for my own house! ;)
and his dad went to put adam's pub mirror back on the wall and he actually put it up lower just so i could see outta it!!! I never asked him to i just found it like that, adam didnt even notice!! it was the first thing i noticed when I walked inside his room today!!
Tomorrow I am seeing adam at some point
I am taking Oz over as adam wants me to bring Oz over I think for his mum
so Oz best be on good behaviour!
then we're dropping Ozwold home and adam wants to go to a home store!!
ive been nagging him cus his parents have given me the task of taking him!
and he has since found out that his parents have decided to pay for his curtains and bedding and i think its made him feel better on the subject cus he's really not arsed
if i get my way i'll be able to choose stuff!!
so I will take him then go to mine or his but ether way im going to his as im having dinner at his house which shall be nice :)
Good Evening~~
I'm well aware I didn't do my diary yesterday ><
So yesterday I was really tired for some reason
I had my phone call from the mental health team
It was a lovely depressing phone call!!
I mean it was just routine questions but still
Would you or have you ever self harmed?
what would you use if you were to self harm?
Have you thought about killing yourself?
if you were to kill yourself how would you do it?
lovely at 9:30am
they said they'll ring back on 15th to discuss which avenue of treatment
they think will be best for me.
so thats another week im waiting for help it would seem
I went back to bed at that point
I woke up and started to get stuff ready for school the next day
then started to get myself ready to go out with adam's family
I put a dress on ^^
Mum later dropped me off at their house :3
I had a bit of time with adam before we left so we played darts
and i friggin won!!!! YES!!!! I never win against him
His mum came home and opened her card and present from me - the elephant mug
she loved it ^^ I was well pleased that she liked it
then we went out
I was a lil anxious, for some reason being in the city centre evening time always makes me feel uneasy and a bit anxious but adam was there holding my hand
We arrived at the mini golf.
I had a shocking start honestly it was terrible
and i couldnt help but think i was surely finishing in 4th place!
but towards the end i redeemed myself with a hole in one which was incredible as there was no aim involved i just whacked it and it went in! then I had a few other holes I was good at
so in the end I finished 2nd! Adam 1st then his parents joint 3rd
Then we walked down to the restaurant
I was anxious about eating
my stomach didnt feel good from having a fruit drink at golf and having not eaten as well
they wanted starter and main
i could easily just have 1 meal but no such luck they did offer me to skip one of the meals but i wanted to join in and they told me no pressure to eat everything.
starter i had the same as adam this kinda duck in a wrap? not good with mexican food names XD
then for main I had a coconut curry which was really really mild much to my delight as im not a fan of spice, and it was vegetable too so it was easier on my stomach than meat.
it came with rice and 2 werid looking potatoes i wasnt able to eat everything but didnt leave much behind i sure as hell didnt want to see food for the next week tho
his mum ordered us both a mocktail which is basically just a fruit drink my god it was bloody good but having anything other than water whilst i eat out is guaranteed stomach ache for me
i tried to say i didnt want one but could she wanted one so i joined in
god my stomach
i didnt complain tho
on the walk back to the car
his mum started talking to me about adam's dad's birthday - his 60th this year
not til december tho keep in mind thats 6 months away!
she wants to take him manchester for the night to do a flight simulator
and said adam is coming would i like to come as well
I couldnt believe she was asking me actually. couple of reasons for this
we've only been going out 2 months and already ive been asked to go on a family get away
its a whole 6 months away so early planning
and who's to say adam still wants me come december
so i told her she doesnt have to feel she needs to invite me
but she told me im part of the family and would love to have me there
so that was that!
but i have no clue where i'll be in the world in 6 months time
what job i'll have, my relationships, who knows!
but of course id love to go
then they dropped me off home
I showered, sat with Oz for 15mins with tummy ache
went to bed with my stomach still hurting
it wasnt easy to get to sleep cus my mind was going mental with the amount of food id eaten
Then this morning I got up for school
it was grandparents day at school
basically grandparents can come to school for 2 hours to see their grandchildren's work, play with them and have tea & biscuits (the later of which I managed to grab some for myself!)
So it was a very very easy day for me really
Then came home and slept for over an hour
I wasnt going to but i was mentally exhausted
mum had made a cake for her 27th wedding anniversary
dad had brought her flowers
they had gone out for a meal yesterday
whilst my brother yesterday was on BBC news again! twice in one year!
i havent seen it for myself tho yet.
Tomorrow I am seeing adam at some point
as usual for a saturday
but already feeling anxious about what im gonna eat at lunch time with him.
i said i'd paint his mum's nails as well X3
Here is my collection of japanese/korean beauty samples!
Evening~~
I slept not too bad last night
didnt dream of being a monster again anyway!
did dream about watching a woman shoot a bear in the shoulder
dont know whats that about!
I stayed awake for a while before I had to get up for school
so I had plenty of time to get ready cus i got up early
I felt so much better in myself today
almost like id got it all outta my system yesterday or something
i wasnt anxious about school and had breakfast no worries
I did get tummy ache after eating tho
My morning at school consisted of P.E. so thats easy for me
then music to which I just sat there really
then mum picked me up I had lunch at home - beans on toast
then I went back to school and did a little bit of maths
and then we had another P.E. lesson! but outside
and I didnt do a great deal even then so it was easy money today
I got home to find adam at my house like Id asked him to be :D
it was great to see him and spend time with him even if it wasnt for very long
We played with Oz in my room cus he was too lazy to play outside
i caught him today eating hay out of the guttering and water off the floor
right tramp XD
then I took adam home
and looking at the application forms for jobs in schools!
Tomorrow I have my first telephone appt with mental health people
yep waited a whole month for this telephone call with someone who's name
i can not pronounce i just pray i can understand them im not good with accents!
that will make the job harder if i cant understand someone on the phone
not looking forward to it at all
then at some point between then and mid afternoon ive got to sleep
and get dressed to go out with adam's family for golf and dinner
and to also get ready for work friday
so i can come in from the meal from town, have a shower and go bed
nothing else i have to faff with basically
ive been using my make-up from korea and japan
i quite like this simple apricot lip balm from Etude House
its a cute colour :D
so relieved i feel better today
i was not myself yesterday by any standards
mum didnt like seeing me that way
i cant believe how different i am today actually
the voices are very very quiet and the ones about what i have eaten are practically not there id say the loudest voices at the moment are about how fat i am
but apart from that my head is my own!
Evening~~
I got up at 7am for my acupuncture appt at 8:30am
I got there ok and told him how my week had been
and gave me 9 needles all on my stomach
he says I need to accept myself more and not get annoyed or
stressed over aspects of my life that I cant control
easier said than done trust me
the needles felt disgusting
Got home and had some cereal which I didnt fancy earlier
then I got Oz all set for the vets
we travelled together I swear I was driving like an old lady XD
he was sooo good for the vets honestly bless him
basically theyve taken him off his anti-biotics
they said to try a different food as he could be allergic to the new
adult food I have been giving him. If he still continues to sneeze
then its hayfever!
hay fever!
can you believe that!? rabbits get hay fever!!
weird thats for sure
but if he gets worse then he needs anti-biotics but im hoping he will be fine
hay fever is only for a few months of the year
I brought him some treats to boost his immune system he seems to like them!
I got home and waited for mum to come home from work
I sat and told her whats happening
I was suppose to be seeing adam but I felt quite crap after my acupuncture
i fell asleep for 2 hours
and upon waking i felt so different
i felt like i wanted to give in and die to be honest
it was like all the thoughts couldnt make themselves heard quick enough
they were all there just saying everything and anything
i hated it. i felt mentally drained and sad to be honest
i was home alone too so i just laid there and i got a lil upset
it was everything
how i shouldnt be with adam that he'll get fed up of this crap
it'd be easier on everyone if i was alone
i'll never be normal
i dont wanna eat
what does self harm feel like?
i dont want to go to school anymore
should i jack my career in?
just what am i doing with myself
im fat my body is disgusting
just everything
it was exhausting
told adam i wasnt coming out
dont think he was that impressed
but i did it to protect him in a way cus i didnt want him seeing me like this
but also because i wouldnt be the best of company and i feared saying something
that would hurt him then i would be hurt
so i talked to mum and got upset
went to bed for mum to wake me for food she re-heated cus id missed eating with my family
since then ive applied for jobs and just been with Oz nothing special
got school tomorrow
I asked adam if he'd be here for me after school tomorrow
he seemed to think id asked him over so i could dump him?...
where'd he get that idea from? if theres dumping to be done its him doing to me cus he's had enough no way am i hurting him like that. i just wanted to see him so i told him that and think he's ok now. i think when im suffering i put him on edge a lil
dont want to go school tomorrow
i cant get over how those 9 needles effected me so much today
Evening~~~
slept rubbish!
Seriously I was having dreams about the day to come
I woke up loads
I had blood on my pillow from scratching my face in my sleep which also wakes me!
then to top it off my neighbour's dog barks for a few minutes at 4:40am!!!
4:40am!!!!! that is beyond rude if you ask me
So i was shattered when I got up for school
but I got on with my day and went
I had an easy enough morning
I took the books adam's mum gave me and did some work with a child
then I was classroom support and helping out really
the kids were a bit wild today after their half term holiday
no more holidays now next holiday will be the summer holidays!
I drove home for lunch
which I was glad about
I went back to school and 2 simple sessions
1 being P.E. and I got to take part ^^
I came home and sat with Oz
hes still very snuffly to the point where I think the anti-biotics have done nothing
so I have got to take him back tomorrow
im so saddened by it
I went to the doctors at 4:30pm
he upped my dose on my anti-depressiants
technically he said my prescription was for 3 tablets a day
id only been taking 2 for months and months
he said to try taking the full dose as I clearly need it to stabilise myself
I didnt realize I was suppose to be taking 3 it had been that long ago
I can remember why I stopped taking 3 and it was cus i was getting real
dry skin as a side effect
he said to give it 4-6 weeks and to come back
From doctors I went to tara's
saw her for an hour or so
the buyer has pulled out so shes got to sell her house again
she was due to move in 2 weeks -_____-
i felt so bad for her and seeing stuff boxed up round her house
she was real peed off as you can imagine
we sat with her bunnies and i got to meet her new hammy - bandit
came home and just havent done a great deal really
going to paint my nails tonight thinking a pink galaxy theme
never done that before
I got this in the post from korea
its to brighten the face as like a highlighter - anything to give my face a healthy looking glow!
i like it as its soft and blends in nicely and was cheap
it looks just like a nail varnish!
Tomorrow I believe Im seeing adam at some point
but before that
8:30am acupuncture
10:15am vets
Otsukaresama~~~
Good Evening~
6pm so Im a lil early but I had a minute
to be honest ive had a lot of minutes today so Ive been able to get a fair bit done!
I didnt sleep well due to stomach waking me
I woke up at 7am drifted in and out of sleep til 9am
laid there til 9:40am simply cus i was comfy and thats rare for me
When I got up I sat in front of vampire diaries whilst cross stitching
then I decided to get some jobs done
I wrote adam's mum's birthday card and wrapped her present
I ordered mine and adam's convention tickets and printed them out
I also printed out my P60 and showed it dad
he said I've paid too much tax so I rang up but dad spoke on behalf of me
cus i dont understand a word! And I got £125 given back!!
Then I started on my cousin's mug and I got it finished
I tried to keep the background simple and used her favourite colour - turquoise - then faded it up to yellow as yellow will be inside the mug so it should blend well
and i wrote her name in japanese
the bottom of the character's mug reads 'tea' (I hope!)
I got it ordered and emailed the details across cus i want it sent straight to her
no point in it coming to me for me to send it to her
just means i wont see the finished piece /:
Went for a walk with mum
we havent been for one together in ages
downloaded a few books on my kindle
did some emails
and i think thats about it
just had a load of jobs that needed addressing but havent had time or energy to do them
so glad theyre all done now!
its a good feeling getting it all done ^^
Adam has been competing he sounds like he'd done well
I hope hes enjoyed his day there
I got all my stuff ready for school tomorrow
its gonna be cooler thank god
so I have school then Im coming home and have doctors at 4:40pm
then Im hoping I can go straight to tara's from there cus theyre on the same street would you believe so it seems pointless coming home to go back there again but just depends when she gets in from work but doctors are NEVER on time so I maybe alright.
I feel ok-ish about going school tomorrow
im sure I'll be fine
Here's the birthday card I made for my cousin
I couldnt remember if I uploaded it or not!
Good Evening~
I didn't sleep well
stomach was waking me up hurting
its hurt after every meal today --_____--
I got up and cleaned the girls out
the I felt girly so I wore a cute girly outfit of pink t-shirt and dungarees
I even spent a lil longer on my make-up but even so I didn't go OTT
I even felt like taking a photo! Something I havent done in such a long while!
I txted my cousin today as it's her 19th today!! Her last year of being a teen
my beautiful cousin - this was taken a few years back
I havent seen her in such a long time unfortunately
Im trying to get her mug finished!!!
At 10:30am I went over to Adam's house
I had got lunch with me as mum could see I was stressing about lunch
calorie wise and pain wise so she gave me some of last night's left overs
Adam said to me that we've been going out for 2 months now ><
does feel longer whether thats a good thing or not I do not know!!
We walked to get adam some lunch
then came back and ate
sat talked with his parents for a lil while
his mum told us that she met adam's dad in the same pub me and adam re-met at
i turned to adam "did you know this?" "no"
how strange
his mum said "ah its a good omen" XD
we sat and poked and annoyed each other
then we played darts
jeez I suck at darts
then I went home
went to bed
Id had enough of stomach ache and I was tired
Got up and had dinner
and some more cake - adam's mum had made cake and given me a slice
when at hers and then gave me a load to go home with!!!
I was well happy
been on my laptop and about it really
tempted to go on my bike again this evening
but i gotta wait for stomach ache to subside a lil before then
might do some dancing in the mean time?
Tomorrow its my last day off before I have to attend school once again
so im gonna get this mug finished and ordered that is my goal
and then anything extra i wanna do
adam is competing so i know for a fact i wont be seeing him
dont think im seeing him til tuesday now actually
seeing tara on monday, and have doctors on monday too /:
