I kinda managed my 1st residential

Tadaima!!!!

I am home!!

I got home today at normal time really.
so wanna hear what I got up to~~~

So it was school as normal time yesterday
I still had no idea whether I would be attending year 2's castleton trip or not
the child I would be going for turned up and said she was going
and had a huge adult suitcase the size of her to prove it.
I wasnt sure if she'd get on the coach or not but she did
and was happy so i was full of anxiety as the coach pulled off
trying not to panic and run off the coach


The journey took us about 90mins I was sat next to a teacher i like
cus shes very easy to talk to but i was about 3 seats from the front and felt
quite travel sick
luckily no one was sick tho!
The place we stayed in looked like an old castle
to say it was a youth hostel the place was very clean, bright and the staff were friendly
it shocked me that it was such a high standard
honestly ive stayed in worse hotels!!!!

So first we let the kids go toilet (god knows how many times ive taken kids to the toilet!)
then we sat and ate out lunch outside
did some archery - i had 2 goes and 1 of them got in the target the bows were rubbish!
then we went inside to do some puzzle solving (we all said it was crap!)
we ended up colouring and drawing
then played outside
my energy was wavering 
then they did this shield 'game' basically they had to hold up some chip board that was the 'shield' they were almost as big as the 7 year olds who held them! so a lot complained that the shields were heavy then we as staff had to throw these paper light balls at them whilst they deflected them
crap
and you can tell when kids dont enjoy something
then finally it was time to see our rooms! as the children has asked us over 1000 times "when do we get to see our rooms?"

I was in charge of 1 room of 4 girls
girls who are good girls
so i lucked out really there!
I lead them to their rooms and they got all giddy
I told them they had half hour to get the stuff all set and slippers on!

We came down for dinner
I was up down up down sorting kids out I ate a cold dinner in the end but I wasnt fussed really it was only jacket spud, baked beans, sweetcorn, broccoli
then it was fruit salad for pudding which was realy good actually
all the food surprisingly was!

Then they went outside for a bit
I was beyond tired I really was
I was feeling poorly cus my limits had been surpassed 
The staff could see I looked like death
I was suffering from hay fever also!!! I was on 4 hours sleep as well!!
So I told the TA (the member of staff im closest with) that I didnt think I could do the evening
I was feeling really bad I was shaking and I was trying to hold it together
the teacher came across and said she wanted to talk
I told her I really wasnt feeling good but I didnt want to give in
she told me they were fine and not to worry as i wasnt giving in
she sent me to bed and told me if i couldnt do the walk tomorrow it was fine
so I went to my room at 7pm
I could hear everyone playing outside and there I was upset, ringing my mum telling her id made myself poorly and was sent to bed.

That night or evening, I spend listening out to the children running up and down the corridor, teachers telling them off, kids moaning about one another
chaos 
and luckily cus the teacher had told all the kids that i was poorly to not bother me!
and honestly at the time i was kicking myself for not completing the day but actually i had done the right thing as if i had to got up 100 times telling kids to be quiet and stay in their rooms i think i would have snapped!

So today
after a night of drifting in and out of consciousness and a lot of cold sweats
id awoken at 6:30am
i knew the TA next door was waking me at 7am so I decided to get up and get ready
i would have loved a shower but decided against it 
the TA knocked on my door and asked how I was 
I felt rough and sick but put on my best face

I went and told the girls to get dressed for breakfast
the were good but faffed and talked A LOT 
so I ended up doing a lot of the work for them i have to say

we came down for breakfast
I had cereal and then beans on toast with a sausage with orange juice and tea!
good breakfast I ate too much tho
so then we went upstairs to get ready for the 5+mile hike
we had to strip our beds and get all prepared to leave the room

downstairs we got ready to go
i told the TA over breakfast that i didnt think I could do the walk
that if i do id end up like i was yesterday
the teacher told me to stay behind and chill
i felt so useless

so i watched them all set off without me
i turned to sit outside, rang mum to tell her that i wasnt doing the walk
as she was worrying about me
then about 4mins later the child I usually care for an a TA came to say she didnt want to walk it (i had expected as much actually) so me and her stayed together
she didnt sit still tho
we walked round the inside of the hostel (i found a manga book in the library and ive ended up bringing it home!) we walked round the outside and then I let her play with water in the kitchen sinks and sat round for a bit. 3 hours later the group comes back
we have lunch
we get on the coach and go home
i sat at the front of the coach next to a TA
always checking on the child to see if she was ok she was just tired but i needed to sit at the front of the coach and i wanted her to sit with a friend rather than staff you know.

Got to school
half the class were taken home like as we came off the coach 
others waited a lil longer for parents
then at 5 mins til 'normal' home time i asked if i could leave
as they said it was fine
i was walking and didnt want to get caught up walking with kids
i was so tired and tired of people looking at my death like state 

I got home, showered, had a brew
laid on my bed and read and fell asleep with my kindle
then we've had a plumper in the kitchen til 8pm and we didnt eat til near 9pm
im tired of the day!

tomorrow I cant have a lay in cus i have acupuncture in the morning
but when i come back im going bed
adam said he wanted to see me
but i told him i aint doing anything!

im glad i did it and that i went
but im far from ready when it comes to doing another residential 
im not well enough yet  

Some Juicy News!

Evening~~

This is Jozu who is very anxious, excited and scared
as I have just order 2....
Juice=Juice Live in london tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok several things here
I hate london
I have never ever been to a live band before
Means travelling to london
and asking mia if she will basically come with me!!
she has no clue currently, next time i see her I will ask her
fingers crossed she'll come with me!!!! ><
Im anxious cus it means going london and seeing a live band
and excited cus its juice=juice  and i have never seen a live band
and im scared cus going away to london scares me and im scared of mia saying no

anyway moving on~
I didnt update yesterday i know I didnt
too tired
in fact i woke up in the morning and had breakfast then went back to bed
woke up at 12:30pm
i was just so drained for some reason
took oz up to adam's he was so cocky a lot more confident than what he was last time anyway!
his mum enjoyed seeing him
then we came to my house and did bugger all
went to his house, talked with his parents then i went on his bed for 15mins as i was so tired
then dinner and 1 board game
my stomach handled the dinner  well ^^

Today I had school which I felt was hard work actually
not an easy day anyway
the kids were excited and anxious about castleton trip tomorrow

Then child I am going castleton for is not sure yet whether she is going or not...
so ive had to pack my stuff up and treat it as i am going but we will see
tomorrow whether shes brave enough to get on that coach or not
if she doesnt go its just a normal day at school for us both
if she goes i will be back wednesday at 3pm
i kinda hope i dont go in a way but we will see.

I brought some make-up on line yesterday too~

Tomato Creme Shop!

Evening~

Woops about to not do my diary then!
I didnt sleep well I took part in the vampire shift~
And woke up before 8am -___- sucks to be me sometimes!!

I helped clean the girls out
then me and mum went down to TK MAXX
she got a few pieces
I got 2 bras and 2 pairs of tights and some leggings
i picked the tights up cus one pair was reduced to 30p and the other 50p!!
you cant complain about that
1 bra was £2 and the other £6! bargin and theyre ones ive had before so i know
they fit and are comfy
but this was my best find....

Tomato!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X3
Its tomato face moisturiser basically
i could tell it was korean from the packaging
it was reduced to £5 but I couldnt resist it!!
its so damn cute!!! >w< 
I will have ago tonight
hope it doesnt turn my face into a tomato XD
It's by the creme shop which i know is a decent brand

We came home
I gathered my stuff and went over to adam's
since last night i had stupidly been anxious about what id be eating at his house
stupid stupid
i took some nail varnish also~

At his house we sat and talked
then went to get food I had a baguette with chicken stuffing and apple sauce on
it was pretty good.
we had a sit down and i did his mum's nails :3
i was so surprised she trusted me to do them as she hasnt worn nail varnish for 10+ years
she says, so I didnt want to go mad and i was unsure on what colours she'd like
so I did a pale beige base, with a nice bright pink heart in each bottom corner on her nails then put a top coat over the top to say she was happy with them was an understatement!!!!
I told her anytime cus i dont mind i enjoy it and its only nail varnish~
Me and adam played darts but i was tired and wasnt in the mood but could tell he wanted to play both games i lost
before we played darts we'd had a good play fight XD
his dad made me a brew! i cant even remember the last time my dad made me a drink!!
I had 'complained' that the mirrors in the house are too high and i couldnt see in any of them
only 1 in the bathroom but it wasnt brilliant
basically theyre all taller than me in that house >.>
and i keep saying "i aint small damn it!"
im 5.5" and his mum is 5.8" his dad is taller and then adam is 6.5" -_____-
his dad has been painting adams room, turns out he hasnt had it redecorated since he was a child! jee i cant help but change my room cus i grow outta stuff and get bored of the same scenery and i like to change things up - i cant wait for my own house! ;)
and his dad went to put adam's pub mirror back on the wall and he actually put it up lower just so i could see outta it!!! I never asked him to i just found it like that, adam didnt even notice!! it was the first thing i noticed when I walked inside his room today!!

Tomorrow I am seeing adam at some point
I am taking Oz over as adam wants me to bring Oz over I think for his mum
so Oz best be on good behaviour!
then we're dropping Ozwold home and adam wants to go to a home store!!
ive been nagging him cus his parents have given me the task of taking him!
and he has since found out that his parents have decided to pay for his curtains and bedding and i think its made him feel better on the subject cus he's really not arsed
if i get my way i'll be able to choose stuff!! 
so I will take him then go to mine or his but ether way im going to his as im having dinner at his house which shall be nice :)

Depressing Phone Call, and 27 years

Good Evening~~

I'm well aware I didn't do my diary yesterday ><

So yesterday I was really tired for some reason
I had my phone call from the mental health team
It was a lovely depressing phone call!!
I mean it was just routine questions but still
Would you or have you ever self harmed?
what would you use if you were to self harm?
Have you thought about killing yourself?
if you were to kill yourself how would you do it?
lovely at 9:30am 
they said they'll ring back on 15th to discuss which avenue of treatment
they think will be best for me.
so thats another week im waiting for help it would seem
I went back to bed at that point

I woke up and started to get stuff ready for school the next day
then started to get myself ready to go out with adam's family
I put a dress on ^^
Mum later dropped me off at their house :3
I had a bit of time with adam before we left so we played darts
and i friggin won!!!! YES!!!! I never win against him
His mum came home and opened her card and present from me - the elephant mug
she loved it ^^ I was well pleased that she liked it
then we went out
I was a lil anxious, for some reason being in the city centre evening time always makes me feel uneasy and a bit anxious but adam was there holding my hand

We arrived at the mini golf.
I had a shocking start honestly it was terrible
and i couldnt help but think i was surely finishing in 4th place!
but towards the end i redeemed myself with a hole in one which was incredible as there was no aim involved i just whacked it and it went in! then I had a few other holes I was good at
so in the end I finished 2nd! Adam 1st then his parents joint 3rd
Then we walked down to the restaurant 

I was anxious about eating 
my stomach didnt feel good from having a fruit drink at golf and having not eaten as well
they wanted starter and main
i could easily just have 1 meal but no such luck they did offer me to skip one of the meals but i wanted to join in and they told me no pressure to eat everything. 
starter i had the same as adam this kinda duck in a wrap? not good with mexican food names XD
then for main I had a coconut curry which was really really mild much to my delight as im not a fan of spice, and it was vegetable too so it was easier on my stomach than meat.
it came with rice and 2 werid looking potatoes i wasnt able to eat everything but didnt leave much behind i sure as hell didnt want to see food for the next week tho
his mum ordered us both a mocktail which is basically just a fruit drink my god it was bloody good but having anything other than water whilst i eat out is guaranteed stomach ache for me
i tried to say i didnt want one but could she wanted one so i joined in
god my stomach 
i didnt complain tho

on the walk back to the car
his mum started talking to me about adam's dad's birthday - his 60th this year
not til december tho keep in mind thats 6 months away!
she wants to take him manchester for the night to do a flight simulator 
and said adam is coming would i like to come as well
I couldnt believe she was asking me actually. couple of reasons for this
we've only been going out 2 months and already ive been asked to go on a family get away
its a whole 6 months away so early planning
and who's to say adam still wants me come december
so i told her she doesnt have to feel she needs to invite me
but she told me im part of the family and would love to have me there
so that was that!
but i have no clue where i'll be in the world in 6 months time
what job i'll have, my relationships, who knows!
but of course id love to go
then they dropped me off home

I showered, sat with Oz for 15mins with tummy ache
went to bed with my stomach still hurting 
it wasnt easy to get to sleep cus my mind was going mental with the amount of food id eaten

Then this morning I got up for school
it was grandparents day at school
basically grandparents can come to school for 2 hours to see their grandchildren's work, play with them and have tea & biscuits (the later of which I managed to grab some for myself!)
So it was a very very easy day for me really

Then came home and slept for over an hour
I wasnt going to but i was mentally exhausted 
mum had made a cake for her 27th wedding anniversary 
dad had brought her flowers 
they had gone out for a meal yesterday
whilst my brother yesterday was on BBC news again! twice in one year! 
i havent seen it for myself tho yet.

Tomorrow I am seeing adam at some point
as usual for a saturday
but already feeling anxious about what im gonna eat at lunch time with him.
i said i'd paint his mum's nails as well X3

Here is my collection of japanese/korean beauty samples!

New day and totally different!

Evening~~

I slept not too bad last night
didnt dream of being a monster again anyway!
did dream about watching a woman shoot a bear in the shoulder
dont know whats that about!

I stayed awake for a while before I had to get up for school
so I had plenty of time to get ready cus i got up early
I felt so much better in myself today
almost like id got it all outta my system yesterday or something
i wasnt anxious about school and had breakfast no worries
I did get tummy ache after eating tho

My morning at school consisted of P.E. so thats easy for me
then music to which I just sat there really
then mum picked me up I had lunch at home - beans on toast
then I went back to school and did a little bit of maths
and then we had another P.E. lesson! but outside  
and I didnt do a great deal even then so it was easy money today

I got home to find adam at my house like Id asked him to be :D
it was great to see him and spend time with him even if it wasnt for very long
We played with Oz in my room cus he was too lazy to play outside
i caught him today eating hay out of the guttering and water off the floor
right tramp XD
then I took adam home
and looking at the application forms for jobs in schools!

Tomorrow I have my first telephone appt with mental health people
yep waited a whole month for this telephone call with someone who's name
i can not pronounce i just pray i can understand them im not good with accents! 
that will make the job harder if i cant understand someone on the phone
not looking forward to it at all

then at some point between then and mid afternoon ive got to sleep
and get dressed to go out with adam's family for golf and dinner
and to also get ready for work friday
so i can come in from the meal from town, have a shower and go bed
nothing else i have to faff with basically

ive been using my make-up from korea and japan
i quite like this simple apricot lip balm from Etude House

its a cute colour :D

so relieved i feel better today
i was not myself yesterday by any standards 
mum didnt like seeing me that way
i cant believe how different i am today actually
the voices are very very quiet and the ones about what i have eaten are practically not there id say the loudest voices at the moment are about how fat i am 
but apart from that my head is my own!

Who knew needles could make things that bad

Evening~~

I got up at 7am for my acupuncture appt at 8:30am
I got there ok and told him how my week had been
and gave me 9 needles all on my stomach
he says I need to accept myself more and not get annoyed or
stressed over aspects of my life that I cant control
easier said than done trust me
the needles felt disgusting 

Got home and had some cereal which I didnt fancy earlier
then I got Oz all set for the vets
we travelled together I swear I was driving like an old lady XD
he was sooo good for the vets honestly bless him
basically theyve taken him off his anti-biotics 
they said to try a different food as he could be allergic to the new
adult food I have been giving him. If he still continues to sneeze
then its hayfever!
hay fever!
can you believe that!? rabbits get hay fever!!
weird thats for sure
but if he gets worse then he needs anti-biotics but im hoping he will be fine
hay fever is only for a few months of the year
I brought him some treats to boost his immune system he seems to like them!

I got home and waited for mum to come home from work
I sat and told her whats happening
I was suppose to be seeing adam but I felt quite crap after my acupuncture
i fell asleep for 2 hours
and upon waking i felt so different
i felt like i wanted to give in and die to be honest
it was like all the thoughts couldnt make themselves heard quick enough
they were all there just saying everything and anything
i hated it. i felt mentally drained and sad to be honest
i was home alone too so i just laid there and i got a lil upset
it was everything
how i shouldnt be with adam that he'll get fed up of this crap
it'd be easier on everyone if i was alone
i'll never be normal
i dont wanna eat
what does self harm feel like?
i dont want to go to school anymore
should i jack my career in?
just what am i doing with myself
im fat my body is disgusting 
just everything
it was exhausting

told adam i wasnt coming out
dont think he was that impressed
but i did it to protect him in a way cus i didnt want him seeing me like this
but also because i wouldnt be the best of company and i feared saying something
that would hurt him then i would be hurt
so i talked to mum and got  upset
went to bed for mum to wake me for food she re-heated cus id missed eating with my family

since then ive applied for jobs and just been with Oz nothing special
got school tomorrow

I asked adam if he'd be here for me after school tomorrow
he seemed to think id asked him over so i could dump him?...
where'd he get that idea from? if theres dumping to be done its him doing to me cus he's had enough no way am i hurting him like that. i just wanted to see him so i told him that and think he's ok now. i think when im suffering i put him on edge a lil

dont want to go school tomorrow 
i cant get over how those 9 needles effected me so much today

Thefaceshop Highlighter Beam

Evening~~~

 slept rubbish!
Seriously I was having dreams about the day to come
I woke up loads
I had blood on my pillow from scratching my face in my sleep which also wakes me!
then to top it off my neighbour's dog barks for a few minutes at 4:40am!!!
4:40am!!!!! that is beyond rude if you ask me

So i was shattered when I got up for school
but I got on with my day and went

I had an easy enough morning
I took the books adam's mum gave me and did some work with a child
then I was classroom support and helping out really 
the kids were a bit wild today after their half term holiday
no more holidays now next holiday will be the summer holidays!

I drove home for lunch
which I was glad about 
I went back to school and 2 simple sessions
1 being P.E. and I got to take part ^^

I came home and sat with Oz
hes still very snuffly to the point where I think the anti-biotics have done nothing
so I have got to take him back tomorrow
im so saddened by it

I went to the doctors at 4:30pm
he upped my dose on my anti-depressiants 
technically he said my prescription was for 3 tablets a day
id only been taking 2 for months and months
he said to try taking the full dose as I clearly need it to stabilise myself
I didnt realize I was suppose to be taking 3 it had been that  long ago
I can remember why I stopped taking 3 and it was cus i was getting real
dry skin as a side effect 
he said to give it 4-6 weeks and to come back

From doctors I went to tara's
saw her for an hour or so
the buyer has pulled out so shes got to sell her house again
she was due to move in 2 weeks -_____-
i felt so bad for her and seeing stuff boxed up round her house
she was real peed off as you can imagine 
we sat with her bunnies and i got to meet her new hammy - bandit

came home and just havent done a great deal really
going to paint my nails tonight thinking a pink galaxy theme
never done that before

I got this in the post from korea

its to brighten the face as like a highlighter - anything to give my face a healthy looking glow!
i like it as its soft and blends in nicely and was cheap
it looks just like a nail varnish!

Tomorrow I believe Im seeing adam at some point
but before that
8:30am acupuncture 
10:15am vets