Konbanwa~~
I was wired last night
like I wasnt tired at all despite having the busy day I'd had
so it took me hours to fall asleep
I was tired anyway in the morning and I have been up since 5am~~
Last night I was struggling with a new difficulty I have never experienced
I have a boyfriend now and some things have to change
Ed was back in the UK for the first time in months
he was also passing through my city to get back to scotland (work place)
he offered to come see me but it meant he'd have to stay a night
instead of meeting me for a few hours as he had loads of stuff with him
from his tour. Now usually I would have loved to have him over
but Adam...I couldnt do that to him it wouldnt be fair
as innocent as it would all be on my part it still isnt fair
so I had to turn him down I felt awful cus i know he's lonely
Im suppose to be his friend and I turned him away cus im in a relationship
and I feel really torn
I know obviously I can still have guy friends and adam still sees his female friends
ive never had a single issue with it cus i trust him
but this wouldnt be seeing it would be staying over
and i think thats stepping over the line.
i wouldnt like it if he had a girl stop over
just stuff i've never had to consider before
i want to get stuff right so i dont upset anyone
im sure i'll see ed one day
hopefully
Today I had school, I spent a lil longer on my make-up as I had the time to spare
I wasn't sure if I liked it or not tho I did it all a bit darker than usual
I was tempted to take it off as I felt it made me look mature
But I thought "screw it its good to have a change"
so I kept it and no one said anything so it must have been ok on me
i cant wear dark colours cus its too stark against my paleness
a girl at school told me i look 13 years old -______-
My morning was P.E. to which I joined in
it was cricket and I have never done cricket
then it was music then it was lunch time~~~
I came home for lunch
after lunch I did some jobs for the teacher whilst she entertained them
we went out for a long break time
then did a tiny bit of work so all in all not a lot it was easy!
came home and went to bed
i didnt want to but I couldnt keep my eyes open
so now im on my laptop
and im ether gonna draw or sew
but before that I have my therapy homework to start
tomorrow I am gonna sew in the morning
then adam is gonna come see me after work
then yoga
Yahallo~
Mum woke me up late
I did sleep better and didnt wanna get up
But knew I had to cus Id be bloody late if I didnt!!
I didnt even have time to txt adam good morning
I got to acupuncture on time
we talked and talked and it was good to talk to him
until in the end he says "we need to get on with treatment"
so I got on the couch dreading it
I had 8 needles
2 in my legs which I hate hate hate
1 in forehead thats an easy one
1 in my stomach I can bare
2 in my ears well i guess theres a first time for everything and it didnt hurt
2 in the inside of my wrist which im fine with
2 in between thumb and index finger - this one he warned me about saying it give you a bit of jolt. He did my left first and I said it was fine, next came the right and jesus i got the jolt alright jeez it was a belter, he said the one in my left must not be in right but i told him to leave it XD
when I talk to the acupuncturist about myself he is just so amazing
at seeing it in a different light
and makes me see that i need to relax a lil and step back and chill out
im far too hard on my self and put pressure on my life and myself
and its not helping anything
I left and came home for a brew with double sugar
it was needed
me and mum went into city centre which was quiet
We only went 3 shops
debenams
primark
body shop
I picked up a lot in the debenams sale ^^
I got pink bra reduced to £9
turquoize pants reduced to £1.90
Pink pants reduced to £2.70
white pants reduced to £3
I know I shouldnt photograph my underwear but their pretty ^^
t-shirt was reduced to £4.80
necklace in the star one was reduced to £3
the 2 chokers were from Primark and £2
I also got some slippers and sock and tights from Primark
thick tights reduced to just 50p!!!!! 50p!
I love a good bargin
Then we went straight to my first therapy session
I got there fine and stuff the place had the heating on for a bizaar reason so it was stuffy
a lady called for me who turned out to be my therapist
we went upstairs into a blue room
and so the hour begins
we talked about what i wanted out the sessions, what she expects, confidentiality and what happens to my information, talked about my job briefly, then my primary school experience and secondary school, college life and what i like to do in my spare time
and that was all we had time for
mum was waiting downstairs for me and we left
going again next thursday
mum had been round charity shops whilst id been in therapy
she had brought me the film the acupuncturist suggested id watch today
which was Kill Bill mum had found it in charity shop for 75p i was well happy
she also brought me Kill Bill 2 for 75p as well!!
thats my friday night sorted
he only told me today and i thought it would take me longer to find them
came home and been on my laptop and had a brew
then I went for a walk with mia
I was really nervous about telling her ive booked Juice=Juice
she was thrilled and totally up for it much to my relief!
she wants me to send her the venue website and juice=juice youtube
and then shes gonna go into work tomorrow and book the time off!
so im well pleased
fingers crossed she can make it!!
tomorrow I have school
im sure I'll get through the day one way or another!
Evening~
ahhh I have no idea what to do with myself!!
I got best part of 3 hours sleep last night
I laid in my bed thinking "I dont wanna go school"
I could feel my self getting anxious and a lil upset and i was close to
coming downstairs and wanting to cry on my mum's knee
but I told my self to get a grip and go to sleep
I woke up having cold sweats and aching
I felt awful
I was awake from 5:40am
so when 6:50am came round I couldnt wait to get outta bed
I had practically read a whole book during the night/morning
I got ready for school despite looking like a corpse
I just robotically got on with the day
My morning was a lil different as we were tasting chocolate at school
but my patience was thin I could feel it was
and the rest of the day was nothing special really
came home for lunch
then after lunch we had P.E. the P.E. teacher told me to work in one of the groups
just cus she knows i love P.E. and they were a member down
I was more than happy to cus it was rounders!!!!~
And I hit the ball hard just as the teacher looked over at our group she gave the thumbs up
yup I havent lost it ;)
Then I came home and waited around for my doctors appt
Luckily I wasnt waiting very long at the doctors at all and he actually listened to me
I have got to remain on the higher dose of my anti-depressiants -_____-
I wasnt thrilled but he said he'd like me to stick with it
and I've got the dreaded 'pill' haha just cus I told him that special time of the month (or 2 months for me really) the hormones really pull my depression down and im not good
i need to be a constant steadiness but all the time im up and down
im trying to have a steadiness in my moods
came home and went to sleep for 2 hours
then I got up and went on my laptop for a bit
My nails this week
kids at school loved em ;)
Right as of this moment an hour ago my mood switched from coping to not so good really
it just slips and I drop into a mind set I do not like
just not happy and its not me at all
and the thoughts i have are brutal
a problem I thought acupuncture had 'cured' has surfaced once again sadly
dont know how long i can cope for
tomorrow
8:30am acupuncture for 1 hour which i really want to go to as i wanna talk
9:30am going city centre with mum
1:30pm got my first CBT session ><
2:30pm come home and forget about the day
6:00pm see ether mia or tara or no one
not seeing adam anyway like I do on my usual tuesdays
gonna be KNACKERED
Morning~~
Ohayou~~~~~
I dont normally blog in the morning but I fear I may not get time tonight!
I didnt sleep well but thats no surprise
my brother was kinda enough to txt me to say he was home so i could
rest easy knowing he was home otherwise im alert a lot of the night
listening out for him
I got up at 9:30am~~~~ 'av it!
2 days of lay ins i am pleased
I had breakfast and stuff
then I cut out a bit more fabric which is making a lovely mess!!
its awful stuff I have to say
that hoover is gonna be out again!
But I have it all cut out now I believe
so I can start piecing it together
Going over to adam's at 12:30-1ish with Oz
then dropping Oz off for a walk then I think I'll pop
home so I can get stuff ready for school in the morning
ugh school again! where are these weeks going!?
Then I will go back to adam's as if I can escape my house on a sunday
I do so very quickly!
adam's mum wants her nails doing so I will do those for her
I painted mine last night i think they look ok, I did clouds~
Tomorrow is school
and then for the 3rd week in a row im suppose to be seeing tara
but who knows!
Here is my lovely Bodyline skirt
Brand new! it would have been £35 I brought it for £11
such a bargin and so beautiful I hardly want to wear it
I will wear it in manchester im sure
Im planning on getting my jacket finished for manchester :D
Good Evening~~
I didnt sleep great but whats new
I did however wake up at 9am ^^
I got my lay in~
In the morning I set to work on my jacket
I got the two bows made before I went over to adam's house
he said he was feeling a bit better and so was I
I enjoyed going round as usual but I could feel my mood trying to change
but I fought it
we had lunch and treats ^^
We played darts and I got a freakin bullseye!!!!!! I was well happy and I got the ring around it twice in succession!!! I could not believe it!
Still lost but i didnt care
I played pokemon for a bit and then I insisted I wanted 10min cuddles before I left ^^
I got home and got back to sewing
Ive cut most of the jacket out I forgot how messy the blanket fabric is
jesus its everywhere in my room ><
So I have yet to hoover that! I will do it after this
I stitched whilst watching vampire diaries
cooked my left over dinner and ate that in front of vampire diaries
then I danced for about an hour
I well enjoyed it as no one was home X3
Tomorrow I am sewing my jacket
then after lunch im taking Oz to adams for a play
then were dropping him off home and going for a walk
then its his house for dinner his dad always asks me to stop for sunday dinner ><
his mum has asked me to join them for their anniversary meal next sunday ><
gonna do my nails tonight~
here is a load of hair bows I made I forgot to upload!
Evening~~~
Man I was bad last night
seriously my head was messed up
and to add to that Adam too said he was struggling mentally
he said he hasnt had a wobble since dec/jan time
i felt bad that i couldnt be there for him
he knows what thoughts burden my mind
i have no clue as to what troubles him
maybe i will find out one day if he lets me in
his depression is practically on the way out
he wasnt sure what caused this little blip but hopefully it will pass
but i will try be strong for him
i told him he doesnt have to see me cus i dont always want to see people when im bad
but he really wants to see me still
anyway today
i woke up peed off with the world
i just wanted to go back to bed and stay there the entire day
the world would still go round without me
i got up and went into mums room and on her bed (dad was already up)
she knew there was a problem as i only lay on her bed when im not happy or well
i told her i didnt want to go to school i didnt want to do anything today
she told me to not let it win and i'll be annoyed at myself if i dont go
all she said was true
so i slowly got ready
got to school and all the kids looked quite fashionable and on a good day
i would have joined in with that but i had a jumper and joggers on
screw it who have i got to impress
the morning went relativity slowly
i kept feeling like i could have a panic attack at any point tho
then i went home for lunch
god i didnt want to go back i was so tempted to ring and say im staying home
but i knew how easy the afternoon would be so i went cus its easy money
got back and i was home alone
so i made a brew and read in the quite
then went on my laptop
i ordered some canmake make up cus i earned it today damn it!
i also got my new skirt through the post BodyLine!!! so kawaii to the point were i dont wanna wear it its just so cute and lovely!
and i got my canmake concealer which i am yet to try
then i watched Tokyo Girls on BBC4 Iplayer
that was interesting to say the least
just gave an hour about japan idols and the industry
i recognised quite a few groups ^^
Oz gave us all a heart attack
i couldnt see him for about 10-15mins so went to find him
couldnt see him then mum shouted me and she sounded panicked
she told me not to move so i crept
and i could see Oz under the gate
HE HAD GOT UNDER THE GATE AND THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE
that has NEVER happened in all the years ive owned bunnies never has one got
under that gate. even as babies they never managed it or dared it
but i think cus hes so thin and small he could do it
and he was trying to get back in
got my heart was in my mouth
i picked him up and took him to my room
Tomorrow I may start my fairy kei jacket
seeing adma at some point as its my normal thing to do on a saturday now
but not going if im really bad you know
made him this i brought him some beard scissors and made a pouch for them
Evening
Not in a good mood
I slept not too bad i guess compared to some nights
mum woke me up at 8:30am for the pets as it was far too wet for them to play out
so i had the piggies on my knee til 9:30am then Oz came into my room
he was so giddy with excitement that sometimes he hopped up on the spot and would
bash into things like the wall and bin XD
I took him home at 10:30am
I sat at my desk designing my Fairy Kei hoodie
I have got the final design
then I went through all my stuff and I have all the materials to make it
i just got to actually make it
i did some research on fairy kei DIYs see what i could find
nothing special came to mind
but i ordered some amazing sparkly fabric for the wings :D
I had a rest on my bed i managed to find a new book to read
on my kindle as reading has become a chore lately but i think i will get back
into it soon enough
lately a lot of stuff feels like a chore!
After lunch I went over to adam's house for a couple of hours
we had a brew and he brought me a pikachu t-shirt!! he didnt have to ><
he brought a load of pokemon card packets so we went through them
there was some cute ones i would like to have drawn but hey
Then he took me into his room
he cuddled me on his bed
i felt kinda bad as i know he wanted more than a cuddle but i just wasnt arsed
i just have zero sex drive i never have had a drive to be honest and i do often wonder
what it must feel like to have one.
i try my best to join in i guess but it doesnt do a lot for me
but i cant always deny him of stuff cus its not fair on him that im this way
he does so well to put up with me --____--
I left and came home
my mood was changing i could feel it
i was getting hot and bothered and ended up showering at 5pm which is early for me
i thought it would cool me down and in doing so cool my head down
but no such luck!
i felt really frustrated and annoyed but at what i have no idea!
Yoga was really good but the whole time i still felt peeved
i felt like i could easily have had a go at someone but kept it in thank god
Came home and i cooked me and mum pasta
then just with Oz really
I spent ages sifting through my wardrobe on what to wear tomorrow for school
as it's non-uniform day - a day i normally love
but in all honesty i cant be bothered with it i really cant
im going in t-shirt and jeans and thats not me at all!!
but i cant be bothered to look pretty or cute or cool
i just want to blend in and be over looked
After 7 weeks from my original phone call for help from 'lets talk'
i got a phonecall at adam's saying that i could have a one to one appt!
finally!!
so thats next week which will make it 8 weeks
really looking forward to that yeesh
my car is dying
i had on 25th passed my driving test 8 years ago
on 28th i had my car for 3 years
its 13 years old
dad wants rid as its slowly dying
my nails from a another week
