Good Evening~~
Last night I had a bit of a moment shall we say
I was putting off going to bed as I felt a bit churned up and anxious
I can't explain why
in the end I went to bed at 10:30pm (late for me!)
by 10:45pm I was back downstairs with tears pooling in my eyes as I walked to my mum
"do you want me to come up stairs?"
I nodded
i just felt like my breath wouldnt come in all the way and i had so much going off in my head that i just felt like i was about to have a panic attack anyway mum came upstairs a minute later
I got quite upset
just seems things came to a head
I was upset about how little I was working, how I wasn't handling things I used to be able to handle, that Im still not normal, its taking so long to live a normal life, what did dad think about me?, is mum disappointed in me?, im 25 but not acting like it
I got it all out my system and by 11:15pm I was back in bed trying to sleep
which came a lot sooner than I thought and the night wasnt too bad
mum had told me to wake her in case i felt like i was gonna have another panic attack
but luckily I didn't need for any of that in the morning
I got up and felt rather rough
I didnt want breakfast til gone 10am
I looked through my craft books but didn't find much inspiration for gifts
guess I gotta come up with stuff from the top of my head which im pretty good at anyway
Adam was coming over after work
I got a dance recorded and I emailed agencies to say that I dont want to be called up for work in the mornings as i need more notice as im not coping with it.
I started making pasta lunch for me mum and adam
as they would be both coming in at the same sorta time
it was good pasta :)
me and adam sat on the sofa with Oz then we sat on Pokemon
my 3DS eventually needed charging >.>
and I wanted fresh air anyway so I motivated adam and I drove to his house
we walked round the shops
i didnt get anything he offered a cake or a tea but i didnt want to sit in a cafe if im honest
so we went back to his
we talked to his dad for a bit about France and the holiday we were planning to have there
then I took adam upstairs as i wanted to talk about his dad and mum's xmas present
I didnt want to talk in case his dad over heard
then I went home really
I got back and started planning
i quickly planned out adam's mum's nails for saturday
then started on the cushions I want to make for his mum and dad for xmas
as the idea just came to me really and ive decided im gonna make him one too as why not! theirs looks knackered and old anyway if im honest. so 3 new cushions im sure will be appreciated :)
the 3 will match and I will do a silhouette of their favourite animals with a pattern
adam will have a lion
his mum an elephant
his dad a bird
nice having something to sew :)
tomorrow doesnt seem like i'll have work so i might start cushions
or i might go and look for fabrics somewhere
ether way i plan to do something productive
I drew a picture this week
today me and adam have been going out 200 days
mum says im sad for counting
im not counting i simply worked it out >.>
Evening
I didn't sleep that well
but when I got up at 8:45am
id missed two calls from the agency balls to em I dont like being on call
i notice for work not an hour in advance
but I felt awful when I got up
mum said i look drained and exhausted and that was how I felt
So I cleaned my pets out and went to bed
I got up at 11:30am
I did feel better for going to sleep
god knows what that was all about
I sat and had some cheese on toast
then I went to my room and I have a box under my bed I call my 'present box'
simply because its only function is to store presents for people :)
I was checking on what I had stashed away in during the year
as I tend to pick things up for people when I see them so then it helps when it comes to christmas and birthdays but also its not such a big expense all at once :)
I had a fair bit actually I was pleasantly surprised ^^
I then wrote down a list of ideas on what to get for people
I have already finished lynn's present and I ordered Tara's last night~
I had acupuncture at 1:45pm
really didnt want to go >.>
but I dealt with it all
had cupping, massage (which was brutal) and needles
god I was crippled afterwards to say the least!!
Went over to adam's
it was rainy so we didnt go out just stayed and played pokemon really
came home and had to get Oz in from out the rain
i told mum to leave him out if he wanted to play out
bless him he was all damp
really glad I didnt go derby with lynn
just couldnt have coped with it today
tomorrow not sure what im doing as of yet might see adam
he has work in the morning til lunch
gonna dance tonight
last night didnt do any dancing as i had awful stomach pains all night
did do mine and mum's nails tho :)
Here are the blankets I made for a friend in Australia
depressing that my work gets to travel there but I dont!
they had to kinda link and match
think they came out alright im not good at baby stuff if im honest!
wonder what i'll sew next
Konbanwa~
I didn't sleep too well just cus of the seriously strong wind
it was hurricane or something out there
all I could think of when I woke was "I hope the pets are ok"
just wanted to bring them in!
I got up at 8am for my CBT
I got there on time and stuff
we talked for 30mins and she discharged me!!!
I no longer have to go CBT!
I did tell her that I still haven't heard back from Psycho Dynamic Therapy
So she gave me their direct number that she would use to chase up the referral
I thanked her and noticed my card from the other week had been pinned up
she said she really liked it and thanked me for it ^^
i showed her my latest drawings
I then went to the post office to go post the baby blankets to Australia
£11.40 it cost me!!! robbin' gits they are!
To 'celebrate' that I had been discharged I went and had a good look at cosmetics ^^
I got a number of things~
Shiny sparkly top coat (nail varnish)
nail stencil stickers (to have ago with)
shiny cream eye shadow (never used cream eye shadow before)
night face cream (same brand as Im currently using)
facial scrub (new one to try)
hair conditioning packs (I love these for a treat!)
pair of new pajamas that are soooo cute 1 pair left and in my size - meant to be!
I called into Greggs on the way back to my car thinking 'my bro has been a bit down this week I know what will cheer him up a bit'
I brought him for £1.40 a cheese, bean and sausage pasty bake thing
I drove home and he was on the drive just finishing up washing his car
I passed him the pasty and god he was so happy he even facebooked it -___-
He put 'just washed my car, sister gave me greggs, that is to be respected'
he said i was a legend
its amazing how food can make my brother happy
I got in and rang up this number for my referral to see how it was going and they wondered why i hadnt heard from them so 10mins later they phoned me back and said cus id chased up the appt and that there was a cancellation did i want to go next tuesday at 2pm?
0.0
I was told i would be waiting months, to hear id be going next week had me speechless!
so i booked in, its only down the road too ^^
then did my hair and make-up
got ready to see adam kinda thing
picked him up from the gym and we went to a town
we had lunch in a pub whilst waiting for our meals adam got out a lil black book id never seen forand then we had 3 rounds of pool as I was in the mood for it
not that i won a single game i wasnt fussed i just wanted to play
my arms were aching holding the cue up think yoga last night did a number on me ><
we went round some charity shops
I didn't need anything it was just something to do
I picked up £30 worth of boots for £7.99 theyre brown and come up to my knee cap
I picked up a dress/tunic top for £4.49 its coral and i love coral and peaches :D
we then arrived at adam's house the for the afternoon
we played pokemon really
from 3pm i just felt off i was tired and sickly
but i didnt say anything cus i didnt want to be treated any differently
i left at 5pm
i was suppose to be going mia's house for dinner but i felt terrible
i txted her to say if i could just pop over for a drink instead of food
but she said to leave it for another week
so it will be 6 weeks :(
I txted lynn to say i didnt want to go derby tomorrow
wasnt feeling up to it and i wasnt in the mood to go
Tomorrow I have managed to get booked in with acupuncturist
hopefully he will get me going again
thats at 1:45pm after that i'll go see adam
tonight im treating myself to some girly power~
I am doing mine and mum's nails, a face pack and hair treatment and lip treatment :D
Konbanwa~
Yesterday I only woke up twice in the night so it was another good night
but I felt exhausted and full of anxiety
I have no idea why tho
My dutch friends had been in contact with saying that they were back in my city!
5 of the had come over from Holland for a holiday and visit
they asked if I wanted to join them for afternoon tea
I wanted to so I said yes but my anxiety was so bad that I couldnt face travelling to the city centre by myself for some reason.
I told Adam everything as I was suppose to be seeing him
he offered to go with me, so I asked my friends if Adam could join and they were more than happy for him to join
So we met up at Curious Manor
I have never been and it was my suggestion
turned out to be a pretty weird and cool place and the food was really good luckily!
we sat at a table and theyd ordered before we got there and my god how much food had they ordered!!! there was tonnes! I felt so sick afterwards
Id drank so much sugary tea and ate so much cake >< talk about sugar rush!
but it was lovely to see them and hear about what they were doing with themselves now and stuff and Adam got along fine with them cus they are really good people.
we parted ways
They said I need to go visit them in Holland :D
We went back to adam's house as we were to have dinner there as my usual sunday routine
i felt the sugar and i felt so anxious coming home worse than what i left the house with
but when i got to adams i was totally fine
adam went to tell his parents we were ok and that i was 'high' on sugar
i walked into the living room where the 3 of them were and his dad laughed and mentioned something about having to be on his toes as i looked hyper XD
and when i am hyper there is no filter on my mouth so yeah the evening was very very entertaining im glad i can make everyone laugh i suppose!
I couldnt stomach eating pudding which was cake and I really wanted it, his dad ate it in front of me and he never has seconds but he damn well had seconds last night!!!! rubbing it in my face
I left for home and a shower and Oz
adam said his dad had gone straight for a bath and bed id tired him out which apparently is a feat XD
Last night I woke up at 3am and didnt get off til 4am
I got up at 8:30am
spent my morning sewing really as I was determined to get my blankets finished
and I did ^^ theyre packaged alreayd to go tomorrow :D
I went to bed at 12pm exhausted for some reason and slept for almost 3 hours D:
then got up and finished the blankets, doodled some nail ideas, googled some holidays
yesterday I found out that adam wants to do MY japan trip
my japan trip on my bucket list
he actually WANTS to go with me!!! I couldnt believe it
its not cheap and not a country everyone wants to visit
i instantly felt a step closer to going now that id found someone to go with
but I said Id want to go for more than a week
and then I said that I had never been away from my family more than 4 days
so Id have to have a practice run so he suggested france as he wants to go france with me, not a country im arsed about and hes been loads before with his parents. i agreed to go if i could go whilst Japan Expo was on and he said that was fine.
I told him every year I set myself goals and I think for 2018 Im gonna open up a new bank account and keep transferring my earnings and save up for holidays
technically i could afford it now if i wanted to but it means dipping into my savings and it wouldnt feel like ive earned the trip.
so thats 2018. probably manage france in 2018 and japan 2019 i bet
anyway ive gone enough
tomorrow I have CBT at 9:30am >.>
Ive tried to book an appt for acupuncture but he's out and not with his diary
Im suppose to be seeing adam and mia had suggested last week that I stay for dinner at her house so who knows how my day could turn out tomorrow!
Evening~~
I could not wait to tell mum and adam this morning when I woke up that I had only woke up once to turn over and go back to sleep and apart from that i slept through the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god what an achievement honestly. I have not slept that well since early July before my insomnia started
I felt so different for a good night's sleep too
i had forgotten what it felt like to sleep
what was weird was that i didnt take any sleeping aids....i dont understand how sleep works
I was planning on going early to adam's house but he'd left me a txt last night stating work was very hard and he wasnt waking early but i could leave whenever
so i let him have his lay in, makes no odds to me if im honest anyway
I bathed all the pigs cus millie had dreadlock bottom, alice just needed a freshen up and pinks, well pinks was in a state she is just dirty and doesnt come that clean anymore
she hated it XD
I went over to adams at 11:15am
we talked with his parents then went to go get lunch
i got a tuna cob
we went shops as well then came back, ate and then played pokemon
i gave him a back massage and then did his mum's nails
which i was very proud of if im honest
they were tiger nails and i knew she loved tigers she was very very happy with them
dont know how i'll top that! but she's requested halloween nails :D
they invited me for dinner tomorrow as well~
i left after all that and it was 2:30pm
I got home and no one was in so i recorded a dance
i tried to record another but kept going wrong and decided that
i would go and sew
worked hard all through my afternoon til 7pm
and i got the 2nd blanket together
they do look like a matching set now :D
this photo was taken in the evening so it doesnt do it any favours
i will photograph them tomorrow together
I painted my nails last night but im not impressed with them >.>
not that im gonna do them tonight or anything
i will photograph them~
Tomorrow I plan on sewing in the morning then see adam after lunch
he was on about Oz coming up but i'll see. from what he suggested it sounded like tomorrow is gonna be a complete repeat of last sunday
so im gonna try think if theres something else we can do
i hope i sleep well again tonight!
Evening~
I slept really well actually
but I was dead to the world
I only woke up once!! It is an achievement~~
I so did not want to go to school/work today
just knew it was gonna be a waste of life kinda thing
but i got ready and went later than i had done last week
the day was basically in a nut shell me watching the kids play
and crowd control
i did have the class of 30 kids to myself several times which I just get on with
mum picked me up for lunch to break my day up thank god
didnt want to go back tho!
but I did and continued to watch the kids play
so dull
i trained to help children in education but there was like no education going off
i know theyre 4 but my old primary school had us writing and doing maths activities at that age
just boring and i want more to do
Came home tired and felt dirty
i noticed my face from the morning was bloated and puffy i think its cus my nose ears and throat arent right. so i decided to give myself a full facial
I first applied a scrub
massaged my face with scrub on
washed scrub off
applied face mask clay
let it set for 15mins
went in the shower washing it all off
came out and applied this Beijing styled korean facial mask which is suppose to give moisture to my face, and it did feel good I even added cucumbers to my eyes whilst i laid there for 15mins
honestly afterwards my face had reduced its swelling and my cheek bones were defined once again ^^
i felt refreshed afterwards
i couldnt smile in the photo XD but wanted to show the design
i didnt want my face to be touched by anything!
since then i cut some ribbons for baby blanket
did a bit more of the black bird i was drawing last night
planned my nails
gonna paint my nails tonight actually
increase my girl power XD
i havent done much cus im sooooo tired honestly
tomorrow i believe im going over to adam's early and leaving earlier
as i want to sew
i dont like sewing knowing ive got to break off
so i thought cus i still want to spend time with him, that i'd go in the morning but come away earlier so i can sew without breaking off to go see him
hes fine with that
be a usual saturday with him then sewing baby blankets :)
mum picked up something for the blankets today which helped me loads
i wanna get em done for tuesday if i can~
use my patchwork skills~ i always was one the fastest and neatest in my class~
Evening~~
I did not sleep
well I got 4-5 hours if that counts
I wouldnt moan if it was a one off but I still havent slept through the night since july!
anyway I tried and tried to sleep in the end I got up at 12:45am
had a drink with painkillers then had a sleep tea
did some yoga too and went to bed at 2am
then I was up at 7am -____________-
I got ready to go antique fair even tho I felt very very crap
but I wanted to go still
we got there without a hitch and we didnt have to que up or anything
in fact it was really quite dead much to my surprise
We walked from 9am til 1:30pm
i kid you not
i walked all those hours without stopping for a break or for food
i ate my lunch whilst walking
there was loads of stuff just stupid amount really
a lot of it tat if im honest
some stuff was really unusual
I picked up 10x 6" fabric squares for £1 which is amazing value i wanted others but didnt like the choice of fabric on offer which was a shame.
i picked up 2 broaches i gave one to mum and the other i dont know whether to keep it for myself or save it for a friend for xmas
I fell asleep on the way home like straight away
i was stretching laying down next thing i knew i just went really
adam woke me when we were on my street!
went fast! i thanked his dad
me and adam spent the remainder of the afternoon together
they'd both had a good time and picked up more than i had but then its not my thing
we sat with a brew and Oz outside and Oz was so giddy and happy bless him, he loves adam which surprises me so much as ive NEVER had a rabbit to like or even tolerate men. so strange
we played pokemon too, brought Oz inside for a fussing
it was an easy afternoon and i took him home
got back and cut 7 new squares for the baby blanket as the fabric had come this morning :3
looks much better I have to say ^^
Since then I havent done much other than design nails for adam's mum but I need a design for myself too soon. thinking pinky and glittery!
tomorrow I am already anxious about
i think its cus im anxious about not sleeping then having to go to work
but I will do my best
i didnt sleep this afternoon despite needing to cus i want to sleep better tonight
so staying awake with my cold was an endurance test! good job i had adam there to keep my spirits up really.
so im hoping i sleep
i will be at the same school as last friday
im grateful for the work but its a very slow day and no job satisfaction
here are my nails for this week~
10 different designs :D
i got 2 pictures drawn yesterday i will upload them
