Doodles with base colours and the wireless

Konbanwa~~

Bloody internet is all I can say

wait no I take that back, bloody wireless >___>

I was half was through a conversation on Wednesday online and

dead

internet just died. Which in turn made the wireless unhappy

The internet came on a few hours later but none of us can suss the wireless out, this is because my brother was not home to sort it out. How I miss his technical intelligence!!!!

I have been internet-less since wednesday afternoon

been a royal pain

So Wednesday

there wasn't much left of me Wednesday

I was bad mentally

I felt like a shell I felt hollow

my emotions felt dulled, I could hardly taste food. It was like I had taken a back seat in my brain or something. I didn't want to talk or do anything.

Adam INSISTED on seeing me. Truthfully I couldnt be doing with the socialising and I didnt want him seeing me like this.

But he came none the less

I made us lunch I struggled to eat

He gave me plenty of affection to try cheer me up but it honestly felt like I wasnt there. I couldnt feel anything. I kissed him and felt nothing. Its a lil scary but even when I thought how scary it was my mind immediately 'dont dwell on this you'll make yourself upset and therefore more pain' so I just let the thought pass. I had no idea depression was capable of doing such things.

I took adam to his physio session at 3pm I told him I wouldnt be waiting for him and that id be going home after I dropped him off. I was tired and couldnt be bothered with life in general.

We had yoga and we had a different teacher she was alright my teacher Karen was sick the lady said.

That evening I couldnt face going to bed. I txted adam telling him how I felt and that I couldnt tell him to his face today cus to tallk about it would upset me and my face is already sore from crying so much this week. I was dreading my night. I dont think - mentally - I could hack another night being downstairs, alone, left with my thoughts. I think its really done a number on me this week and I couldnt bare to see the after math of another night.

He wished I was at his house but I told him I wouldnt want to wake him even if we were having a sleep over.

I fell asleep and woke up every 2 hours like I have been doing. something about waking every 2 hours I do not understand.

But I did not get up in the night. each time I woke I was able to eventually get off to sleep.

Yesterday

I had acupuncture as mum and adam made me txt Nigel yesterday and he managed to fit me in this morning at 9am...

great -_____-

I have been avoiding going all week cus I felt like I couldnt handle having needles but mum said I needed to go

I told him he has his work cut out and that id try and behave.

I told him about not sleeping, thoughts, hot and cold sweats, constant headaches, constant tiredness, stomach ache after eating.

dont think the poor guy knew where to start XD

we talked about books and stuff as I gave him his book back it was the hardest book I have ever read. 400 pages and a crappy ending..

I managed to cope with 12 needles and after wards he massaged the middle of my feet which bloody hurt I tell you. He told me to roll the point on a golf ball and that would help. So I've fished one out of the garage today XD

I came home and had breakfast cus I couldnt face it earlier.

I hoovered and polished the interior of my car as it was dusty and lots of bits in the floor well.

Needs a wash as well but the roads are so filthy from the weather thats theres just no point.

I did a bit of colouring in, in the adults colouring book I have and have never started! Colouring is something I dont ever do unless its digitally of course. So if felt foreign.

We had lunch and went for a short walk but it was cold so Im glad it was only short! I came back and had a brew with my girls - determined to stay awake and not sleep through the day like I have been doing.

Then I decided to draw a picture

I wanted to have ago to see what just base colours would look like and with a change of outline colour. Originally I wasn't going to do any art work, as I was in the mind set of 'it will be crap' 'meaningless' 'whats the point' 'waste of my time' etc.

but then I remember nigel telling me its important to practice and through crap pieces of work a good piece will immerge. So I decided to have ago doing it. This is what happened. If I get the internet later I will put it up on adam's facebook for him. Might make him feel better about me after the awful mood I was in yesterday >m<

Tomorrow I am going to adam's as usual

I could easily talk myself out of having lunch with him simply because of how ive been with food lately but Im telling myself to get a grip. to get on with it. Besides I really want to do his mum's nails I have a good design in mind :D I need to do my nails actually /:

maybe I should doodle a design tonight :)

I have felt more myself today than I have the rest of the week

don't look myself tho as mum dyed my hair red for me today X3 

Feeling Hollow

Evening~~

I didn't sleep well once again
but whats new!
I was laying wide awake and waiting for my parents to go to bed
once that had happened at 11:30pm I went downstairs
What I wasnt prepared for was the onslaught of emotions
i sobbed my eyes out for half an hour my face and eyes were raw
I had every thought possible I think
why am i still sick after all this time?
Is my health going backwards?
I can't go backwards Ive done my time Im not gonna back there
what am I doing in life?
I want to work but what career do i want?
why does adam go out with me?
should I continue to go out with him? im only trouble to him
am I better off dead?
would death bring peace? an ending to it all?
does self harm help? what would I use? 
why am I always alone? left to suffer alone 
but then it needs to be like that so i dont bother others
should i wake mum? no theres nothing she can do no point in her being tired
when is this going to end? 
how many more years must i spend like this?
why am i so pathetic?
why cant i stop all these thoughts?
but whats more is how afterwards i just felt so empty and hollow
almost like i had lost what it meant to be me
i felt like a shell 

adam txt me from 11pm to 12am but he had no idea i was crying my eyes out
i didnt tell him
he went to bed and then 10 mins later ed txt he stayed awake with me til 2am
when i decided i would try and sleep
my dreams were about death and people killing/hurting one another 
i woke up at 10am not wanting to face the world
mum said i looked ghostly
i didnt tell her the sort of night id had i just told her i couldnt sleep

I didnt do much all morning
i was trying to finish the book nigel lent me months ago
we had lunch but i felt like i barely tasted it 
we got into the city centre and arrived at the ice stadium to find 100+ primary school children putting on skates....yeah nether of us were prepared to go on the ice rink with that many children
it was wrong in a way cus it was public opening times they should have come privately so not to bother the public. cus lets face it a lot of them are gonna get in the way, fall over, cry
hell
so we turned round and left
we walked to the city centre and we had our annual hot chocolate from the christmas market
it was so busy everywhere i wasnt in the mood for any of it
we headed home as nether of us wanted to shop in the queues really
and we didnt need anything ether really

so we were home just in time as it poured down so i had my girls on my knee as i read
i only have 30 pages left of the hardest book i have ever read 
then i went to bed
yesterday i had a splitting headache ALL day and was exhausted from it
today ive had a headache not as bad but still a headache 
i couldnt focus so went to bed for an hour to be woken up with cake mix by mum :D 
then I had Oz in my room for a jump round he was happy bunbun 
dinner came and i didnt want any of it but knew i wouldnt get away with that so i ate it but it feels like my taste is muted like when you have a cold 

tomorrow adam wants to see me
im not sure i want to see him
just cus im not in the mood to try and look happy for others really
i just dont feel myself at the moment 
am i better off socialising or isolating myself til im back?

Thought Id show some make up i got last week
one is lipstick that can be used as eye shadow too im not too keen on it as it has a dry texture but the canmake eye shadow i have wanted to try for months and months and it didnt disapoint it was sparkly and i like it :D

A lot goes off, i do my best to handle it

Konbanwa~~

Excuse my absence yesterday
I shall catch up

Sunday~~
I still felt quite crappy and hadnt slept
and I really didnt want to go to the city centre to look at phones with adam and his mum
but mum said "if you dont go today they might wait for next weekend to go with you"
and with that said i thought 'the city centre is only getting busier each week as we get closer to christmas i might as well drag my corpse and get this over with'
so thats what i did,i got dress and applied make up as my god was i white that morning

so this is what the world got
I was anxious about going for some reason
we got their around 11am
we went into a couple of stores then went for a brew
went round some more shops and a few phone shops
but my god i didnt realise how naive i was to the phone world
HOW MUCH ARE PHONES!!!??
seriously!!! theyre worth more than my damn car!
i mean if people want to spend that kinda daft money on phones then be my guest
what bothered me was how little choice there was for under £200
its kinda like you had no other choice but to fork out for an expensive phone
hate phones
but theyre an necessity now days unfortunately 
i sound like i come from the stone age XD which is where mine and mum's phone originates from XD actually theyre not that bad and she wasnt pleased to find out how much we gotta spend
i messaged Ed to ask him for some help on the phone thing as he's a pro
then i'll get adam's opinion too
better to have more than one opinion in my eyes
so then we had lunch and came home to adams
we stayed there half hour then went to my house
to go see Oz and let me sort bits out
then went to his house, did his mum's nails, did stretches with adam, gave him back massage, i was bloody done in come dinner time, i looked like a corpse actually.

Monday
I went to bed after breakfast i was tired
then I had Karen's for a massage at 1pm
it was lovely to see her and have a catch up
coming home there had been an accident involving a tractor and 2 cars but they were off the road and i was able to get by.
Later on after i'd showered and got ready to go tara's i went to pick adam up
and i did the same route to karens as tara lives close by
but upon going, where the accident was there was a que of traffic as there was every emergency service available there! so I ended up doing a U-turn this put 30mins on my journey
making a 25min journey to 50mins
i was not happy i was so stressed, peed off, tired and in pain. my car is a heap of junk and not very comfortable at all. i cried. i just cracked and cried. i just wanted to pull over and sob my eyes out but some how and i dont know how but i pulled it together
just my mental state isnt good
adam was there for me but not a lot he can do seeing as he cant drive 

we arrived at tara's - late
but didnt matter
i told her what happened and i said i needed to de-stress so could i see her bunnies
and having nutmeg and rocky out really calmed the soul i felt better for that
adam relaxed also
we played games we ate pasta and talked it was an easy relaxed evening
everyone got on there was no awkwardness it was nice 
so he's met one set of friends now i want him to meet mia and stuff
i came home at 9:30pm after dropping adam off home
i was shattered but couldnt unwind 
so i got Oz out and let him play outside in the dark whilst i sat outside with him drinking a cup of tea watching him eat leaves and stretch his legs. i couldnt go to bed knowing he hadnt been out for a few hours and i couldnt face talking to my family

2am my brother got a lift to college from dad as he has gone to Slovakia with his class til friday i will miss him but i wished him a good time and spoke to him today

Today I havent done much
i feel like utter crap
so sod the world i stayed in pajamas til midday 
then i thrashed my body by dancing hard for 40mins
i was sweaty and went for a needed shower
then i read really i havent done much at all 
i made a couple of christmas cards for my dutch friends 
then dad helped me fill out a form
that was my exciting day

tomorrow me and mum are going ice skating!!
wish me luck
i havent been on the ice for many years! 

Still a school girl at 25 XD

Evening~

Well last night I woke up EVERY 2 hours
just what the hell is up with that?!
I woke up at 4 and was awake still by 5 and thought "screw this"
and went got some cereal, pain killers, hot chocolate
I went to sleep and woke up at 7am so I got up
clearly sleep wasnt meant for me 

I cleaned my girlies out
Oz was round my feet and then he was eating every available fallen
leaf there was and he chased a pigeon off XD
I went for a shower then leisurely took my time in getting ready
I used new make-up and I dressed as a punky school girl

i've still got the look even at 25 XD
I had used a new facial scrub I got from japan this morning
jesus it stripped my face of oil
it dried my skin out immensely I could not believe it
so I had to get rid of the dry skin before any make-up could be applied
im not sure what to make of it actually cus you couldnt use it daily

I went to adams for 10:45am
we sat talking with his parents i wound his dad up about buying a new christmas
tree as they threw theirs out last year due to it breaking they said 
but he refuses to buy one XD
we walked up for food i could tell adam was in pain with his back
he was walking like his back was a plank

I had chicken and tomato sauce cob it was really nice
but half hour later i just didnt feel good
i felt sicky dizzy and weak 
i sat there til 1ish and in the end made the decision to go home
It was so unexpected, i felt fine all morning i really did
and id got my nail varnish out my bag to do his mum's nails
but this just came from nowhere 
i came home took my clothes off for some much warmer ones as i felt cold but i knew i wasnt cold, took my make-up off and went to bed for 2+ hours

woke up and felt so sweaty but didnt want to get cold
now i am in a t-shirt baking my butt off but keep getting goose bumps along my skin
god knows what this is all about
i felt bad ditching adam like that but he understands 

tomorrow for some reason i seem to have no control over
he wants me to go to the city centre with him and his mum
i really dont want to go but he told me "youre going end of"
you know when youre not gonna win some stuff
i think he doesnt want to be left shopping with his mum XD i dont have any problems
shopping with my mum i think its a guy thing
his mum needs a new phone so thats why we're going mainly
i suppose it will do me good to look at phones considering both me and mum need an upgrade
so i gotta be at his for 10:30am
they asked me to stay for dinner
im getting the feeling tomorrow is going to be a long and wasted day
i could be wrong but we'll see   
see how i feel first

CUSHIONS!

Evening~~

I didn't sleep too bad last night actually
well it did take til nearly midnight to actually go to sleep!
Woke up at 9:15am
mum said she wanted to try leave the house for 9:30am
she could have woke me she had done the pets all by herself too
so i'd missed seeing them

we set off at 10am for the shops
took like an hour to get there just cus the roads were bad
we didnt pick up much
I did get Oz's christmas present it was £5 and a rabbit toy I havent seen before
he should like it im sure
although he'd be happy with a leaf selection im sure XD
I got 3 pairs of joggers
1 for yogger
1 which is fur lined leggings *0*
1 just a thick pair of joggers
i can barely shut my jogger draw i have stocked up after losing some pairs 
mum got the same and another pair of joggers
that was all we got!

We drove to a cafe at a nature reserve 
we both had carrot and coriander soup it was amazing
and we split a lemon muffin and had a brew
afterwards we took a brisk walk round the nature reserve 
it was nice and VERY quiet 

we drove home and put pets outside before the sun went down
i have been designing nails for adam's mum tomorrow
and also seeing if i could do some art work
and i managed to find online s a pair of scrunchies to finish mia's present off
and i also thought id buy my cousin a lil something this christmas
so shes got pokemon socks and i brought tonight a cat ear beanie and a chakra bracelet
she loves charms, stones and all that mysticness 
so im confident she'll like her presents 

tomorrow I am seeing adam
who apparently kills after his physio yesterday
i hope hes ok tomorrow
cant be doing with a cripple XD
then mia said she might see us but we'll see
never know with her 

Oh and cus I forgot to show them earlier
here are the cushions I have made for adam and his family all their favourite animals and their favourite colours as the animal

This one is adam's 

His mum's

and finally his dad's

I hope they like them!

Pokemon Case

Evening

I slept rubbish
how I wish I could sleep like normal people
it's getting the point where I think "whats the use in having a bed time!?"
one good thing tho, I won an eye shadow I wanted at 10:20pm ^^
shouldnt buy anymore make-up tho for a while cus
i have a lot to play with ^^

so this morning after feeling gross and sweaty from my night
i did my usual morning routine
and then went to bed mum kinda knew i wasnt awake
so i had to waste the remainder of my morning in bed sleeping
i did feel better after it
and got up for a shower 

I did myself some lunch and put some make-up on
then waited til I could go fetch adam from work
we went shops and I managed to buy mia a lil something anyway :) 
I think I have just about finished her now
im gonna get hers and mum's presents out tonight with Oz and see if i've got enough stuff. Mia's always looks a lot simply because her birthday is boxing day
poor girl she HATES it

We then went to his house so he could get changed for physio 
we talked with his dad for a while then went physio
i had originally decided to leave him there and go home
but my conscience won out (yes I have one at times) i was worried about him being crippled and walking home as its very hilly and i think he was a lil worried about it too

so we got there he got called threw straight away and i was left to read magazines for 35mins
found out from them that its black friday tomorrow but there hasnt been any hype about it this year strangely. so hopefully the shops wont be crazy filled with animal like people
i also learned you could buy a jumper for £1345 as well
who has that kinda money to spend on a jumper!?

he came out a lil sore
he said he hurt and was going again next thursday
i didnt think it was the best of days to go considering he has an 13 hour shift the next morning
i took him home he did thank me
his house was bloody freezing i stayed for half to be polite then went home.

me and mum went yoga which was good
we used the balls again and my balance was good tonight
actually my balance is always pretty good it surprises me
came home and read manga with the girls on my knee
gonna have a shower and go for Oz

i mentioned to mum maybe going ice skating next week
she about jumped at the offer so i think we're gonna do that 

tomorrow i think we're going to the other side of the city for a shop, cafe and a nature reserve

Here is Adam's case I have designed 

Christmas Kawaii-ness decorations~

Evening~

I kept waking up sweaty in the night
I felt gross this morning but knew I'd be going in a swimming pool
at 11am so couldn't see the point in showering

Me and mum set off at 10:30am for the half hour drive to this specific pool
we like it cus the water is heated and it has a jacuzzi to use for free
we got there and there was under 20 people in the pool and some of those people were toddlers so there was lots of space to swim
my god swimming was difficult i suppose cus youre using different muscles
but god it was hard but i managed the half hour i wanted to do
then we sat in the jacuzzi for around 10mins and at this point a lot more people entered the pool so we timed it really well and the changing rooms were quiet 
just timed everything really well
we got in and had some pumpkin soup out the freezer
by 1pm id eaten and was in my bed X3
i was exhausted 

adam said he was full of cold and not feeling too good
so i said id see him tomorrow
i didnt really want his germs and i was shattered myself

got out of bed and made a christmas decoration for tiffin
as we have all our old animals on the tree and i sadly lost tiffin this year 
so he was needed to made into a decoration
then i did some work on the iphone cover
i finished it actually and got it sent off 
see how it turns out it was only £3.60 so not broke the bank i just hope
its printed correctly and the case is good quality

Tomorrow adam is going physio!!! yay finally
cus hes a stubborn mule when it comes to certain things
and ive been on at him for months joining in with his parents telling him
he needs his back looking at 
its cus hes injured it in the past and he's 6ft 5" and i know tall people suffer with their backs 
he's got work and i might go to the shops near his work place to look for an xmas present for mia then pick him up and take him to ether house then take him to physio then i have yoga
his physio is at 3pm for half hour
if they are crap then im getting him to go for an hour's sports massage instead

he's been on about my birthday lately
baring in mind it isnt until february 
but hes on about going away for it
i have never done that
and i dont know where id go ether
he mentioned london but i HATE london with a passion 
so who knows
i cant think that far ahead!

Last night I stabbed my mole with the end of some sharp scissors and this lump came out of it, rather gross but with in the hour of me removing the lump the swelling went down loads and today it is like normal size just about but because of the scab and soreness it looks bad still but im glad i seem to have got rid of the root of the problem

here is the second half of the garland i made, cute arent they :D