Konbanwa~~
Bloody internet is all I can say
wait no I take that back, bloody wireless >___>
I was half was through a conversation on Wednesday online
and
dead
internet just died. Which in turn made the wireless unhappy
The internet came on a few hours later but none of us can
suss the wireless out, this is because my brother was not home to sort it out.
How I miss his technical intelligence!!!!
I have been internet-less since wednesday afternoon
been a royal pain
So Wednesday
there wasn't much left of me Wednesday
I was bad mentally
I felt like a shell I felt hollow
my emotions felt dulled, I could hardly taste food. It was
like I had taken a back seat in my brain or something. I didn't want to talk or
do anything.
Adam INSISTED on seeing me. Truthfully I couldnt be doing
with the socialising and I didnt want him seeing me like this.
But he came none the less
I made us lunch I struggled to eat
He gave me plenty of affection to try cheer me up but it
honestly felt like I wasnt there. I couldnt feel anything. I kissed him and
felt nothing. Its a lil scary but even when I thought how scary it was my mind
immediately 'dont dwell on this you'll make yourself upset and therefore more
pain' so I just let the thought pass. I had no idea depression was capable of
doing such things.
I took adam to his physio session at 3pm I told him I
wouldnt be waiting for him and that id be going home after I dropped him off. I
was tired and couldnt be bothered with life in general.
We had yoga and we had a different teacher she was alright
my teacher Karen was sick the lady said.
That evening I couldnt face going to bed. I txted adam
telling him how I felt and that I couldnt tell him to his face today cus to
tallk about it would upset me and my face is already sore from crying so much
this week. I was dreading my night. I dont think - mentally - I could hack
another night being downstairs, alone, left with my thoughts. I think its
really done a number on me this week and I couldnt bare to see the after math
of another night.
He wished I was at his house but I told him I wouldnt want
to wake him even if we were having a sleep over.
I fell asleep and woke up every 2 hours like I have been
doing. something about waking every 2 hours I do not understand.
But I did not get up in the night. each time I woke I was
able to eventually get off to sleep.
Yesterday
I had acupuncture as mum and adam made me txt Nigel
yesterday and he managed to fit me in this morning at 9am...
great -_____-
I have been avoiding going all week cus I felt like I
couldnt handle having needles but mum said I needed to go
I told him he has his work cut out and that id try and
behave.
I told him about not sleeping, thoughts, hot and cold
sweats, constant headaches, constant tiredness, stomach ache after eating.
dont think the poor guy knew where to start XD
we talked about books and stuff as I gave him his book back
it was the hardest book I have ever read. 400 pages and a crappy ending..
I managed to cope with 12 needles and after wards he
massaged the middle of my feet which bloody hurt I tell you. He told me to roll
the point on a golf ball and that would help. So I've fished one out of the
garage today XD
I came home and had breakfast cus I couldnt face it earlier.
I hoovered and polished the interior of my car as it was
dusty and lots of bits in the floor well.
Needs a wash as well but the roads are so filthy from the
weather thats theres just no point.
I did a bit of colouring in, in the adults colouring book I
have and have never started! Colouring is something I dont ever do unless its
digitally of course. So if felt foreign.
We had lunch and went for a short walk but it was cold so Im
glad it was only short! I came back and had a brew with my girls - determined
to stay awake and not sleep through the day like I have been doing.
Then I decided to draw a picture
I wanted to have ago to see what just base colours would
look like and with a change of outline colour. Originally I wasn't going to do
any art work, as I was in the mind set of 'it will be crap' 'meaningless' 'whats
the point' 'waste of my time' etc.
but then I remember nigel telling me its important to
practice and through crap pieces of work a good piece will immerge. So I
decided to have ago doing it. This is what happened. If I get the internet
later I will put it up on adam's facebook for him. Might make him feel better
about me after the awful mood I was in yesterday >m<
Tomorrow I am going to adam's as usual
I could easily talk myself out of having lunch with him
simply because of how ive been with food lately but Im telling myself to get a
grip. to get on with it. Besides I really want to do his mum's nails I have a
good design in mind :D I need to do my nails actually /:
maybe I should doodle a design tonight :)
I have felt more myself today than I have the rest of the
week
don't look myself tho as mum dyed my hair red for me today
X3
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