I'm here
I'm still alive
I haven't been good hence why I havent updated a damn thing lately
just couldnt face it, face writing/thinking about my life
I mean I know my life isnt as bad as other but i have been damn struggling
I've cried a lot and got to my wits end with life
struggling to cope with myself
and I can see its having an effect on those around me as well
I didn't do much over the weekend
I saw adam and went up to his house on the saturday
I came home and made mum a birthday card ^^
Sunday well sunday I was suppose to be seeing adam and we were meeting an old friend at the pub at 2pm did any of that happen? NO and that is because it snowed rather heavily
adam told me not to see him as cars couldnt get up or down his hill of a road and everywhere was bad as it hadnt been predicted and therefor the gritters hadnt been out
everywhere was bad
so i had to cancel both adam and antony. i was well peed to say the least
i cleaned my room and danced and at 8:30pm when a lot of the snow had disappeared i decided to go for a walk by myself as i was restless.
Today I stayed home in the morning then after lunch I went TKMAXX and a bargain shop
I picked all this up from TK
TonyMoly facial wash reduced to £3, nail varnishes reduced from 20p to £1!!! liquid eye shadow reduced to £3 and a korean nose thing reduced to £2. I also picked up 2 pairs of fleece lined leggings reduced to £4 each and a nightie for mum's birthday reduced to £8 so I did well
from bargin shop I got some wrapping paper for mum's presents
From there I went for a walk by myself down along side the river Trent
i always love being around water and then I came home, put my girls out for a trot waited for mum to come home so we could have a brew together
then played pokemon and emailed a couple of friends
adam offered for me to go up and see him but it was like nearly 4pm and i couldnt be arsed.
said id see him tomorrow
tomorrow im not sure how to spend my morning
but at 1:30pm I have my first, and much needed, psychology session
from there i will go see adam as mum wont be home and i will need to talk to someone
I worked on thursday and friday morning at a local school which went well
i enjoyed it and would go back again
me and adam have been talking about going away im thinking Ireland as its more local and looks more interesting than france, nothing is grabbing me about france. i know its a bit judge a book by its cover but it just doesnt look like my kinda place. ireland looks more natural and fun.
millie is still recovering from her chest whatever thing she has
we took her vets wednesday as her chest was really rattly so shes on a week's worth of antibiotics and is going back on wednesday to the vets but shes lost a bit of weight despite her still eating and being her usual self granted she is quiet sometimes i hope she recovers soon
mum's birthday on friday!
Evening all~~
Yesterday wasn't good
I ended up going to bed later than my usual bedtime
I was hovering around the landing I couldnt face going to my bed
eventually i sat down on my bed and cried
i was at my wits end i just felt like i couldnt tolerate any more
mum and her 6th sense must have known i was upset and came to me
she calmed me down and told me to go and doodle somewhere else
as sitting on my bed wasnt doing my any favours
I sat downstairs and doodled til my dad came to bed
I read in bed and did eventually settled but woke up in the night
I wasn't happy or myself in the morning
id had enough
i was so tired and fed up of myself and of life
I was suppose to be going out for lunch with adam
but i sent him a txt saying basically to leave me be today i wasnt myself and its unfair to have to deal with me when im like this
that was at 10:30am which is when i went to bed again
I didnt arise out of bed til 2pm to find 7 missed calls from him and that he's spoke to mum
im such a trouble maker
mum told me she'd spoke to him and told him id get in touch with him when i got up
she just said that theyre both worried about me and dont know how to help
i spoke to adam he offered to come over
i said he could if he wanted to
He came over and we spoke about stuff in my room
i got upset over it all and then even more upset when he told me hes found the last 2-3 weeks mentally draining. I felt like I was hurting him
i felt awful
i told him he didnt have to see me, he said he wanted to
i said to him "did you want to see me or felt you HAD to see me?"
but he reassured me he always wanted to see me
i felt bad id ruined the day
i then asked him if i could sleep over at his house that night
as i couldnt face going through it all again, i needed to break the cycle
he txted his dad and all was fine
i had no right to ask him for anything more but he let me
even tho he can be at his wits end with me hes still willing to put up with me all night
so at 6:15pm I dropped him off with my sleep over gear and then went to mias
it was just me and her she made us dinner and we talked and talked
i told her how stuff is
we booked to go manchester 27th - 28th January
cant wait!
it was great to see her
I left hers at 9:30pm and went to adams
i saw his mum and thanked her for letting me stay over she was fine with it all
me and adam watched Taskmaster til 11pm to which we went to bed
he played on his DS i half watched half closed my eyes
then when he turned the lights off i couldnt sleep i felt worried about the night
he cuddled me and asked me to sleep
i did drop off but i woke up plenty of times got comfy and went to sleep again
but it was all so much better than having that anxiety build up about being alone all night
in the morning his alarm went off at 9:30am i couldnt be bothered to wake up and in the end got up at 10am to make us both a hot drink whilst he ran me a bath
i had a bath then i went home really
cleaned out my pets and found millie was still snuffly
her breathing has been a bit laboured past two days and today she looked unhappy
so we booked her in at the vets for 4pm
I went back to adams house
we walked up to the pub and we had pub lunch
he had double chicken burger and i had chicken and stuffing wrapped in a yorkshire pudding
i have never heard of such a thing but it was bloody fantastic and i got massive chips with it and peas, it was a very cheap meal so i wasnt expecting much food but jesus there was no way in hell i could have ate all that so i passed it over to adam to finish off.
we left and walked to his house
i sat and talked to his dad then i went to doodle as i could frustration building up
adam noticed and said "cant i cuddle you on your bed?"
we went up and we messed around annoying one another and cuddled.
i left to go take millie to the vets
she was terrified even tho she had alice next to her
the vet wasnt overly concerned and said she should recover with a weeks worth of antibiotics he didnt say what it was, we just didnt want her to be in pain and for it to get worse
got home and caught up with a few things mainly applying for jobs
and booked bowling online for my birthday for me adam mia and rob
should be fun and got a discount as well
i dont feel too bad about tonight
it has helped breaking the cycle
millie's breathing doesnt look great tonight so shes on my mind
my brother is coming home in the evening some time so i know he will wake me up as i wake up to a pin dropping. hes on the coach from london to nottingham now anyway
hes had enough
tomorrow i am working in the morning
at a local school just til lunch time which suits me
and i have yoga later on
adam was on about seeing me but i will see how i am first
i drew this the other night just cus i wanted to
Evening all~~~~
I shall start with recounting my sunday
I didn't sleep *massive shock!*
I was shattered and had been crying in the night
I awoke at 10am but was rather comfy and relatively pain free
so I stayed there for 45mins until I started to ache
I went outside to see my Ozwald and give him fuss
i took my camera out and isnt he cute
I met adam up at the gym for 1pm we arrived at the same time it was brilliant timing
i got signed in and went to the changing rooms
the pool was cold my god i didnt appreciate it
the first 5 lengths jesus i was out of breath!!! panting like a dog
i must have looked really unfit i have no idea why i was so out of breath
i had to stop to catch it as i felt like i was gonna hyperventilate
eventually i got into the rhythm of it a lot of the time i had the lane to myself
i swam for 30mins watching people come and go from the sauna and steam room
if i saw another top less muscly sweaty guy come out of them i was gonna bring up my lunch
seriously it does nothing for me how girls stare at that scene i will never understand
I got out and got dried in a cubicle as i was having a bath at adams
I met him eating his lunch in the cafe as he'd been in the gym whilst i swam
i got to his house and he ran me a bath (got him whipped)
took me a while to get in the damn thing tho as it was hot but also my toes were like ice
so they stung like crazy dipping them in so i was slowly having to warm them through so i could put the rest of me in the water
i had propped my bag behind the door as none of the door upstairs in that house close to!!
adam was at the door asking if i was ok
he realised i had barricaded the door
he said "dont you trust me?"
I said "its there to keep people out. not really, i put it there in case your dad came up"
he said "i would have told him you were in there"
well i didnt know that and wasnt taking any chances
"well lets face it a bag wouldnt keep you out if you did want to come in would it"
he had to prove that sentence right didnt he
he came in!!!! I shot him daggers he came and massaged my shoulders, daggers were retracted.
then he left me in peace
I got out and got dressed whilst he went and showered himself
we laid on his bed i stretched out and my left shoulder muscle went into spasm
my god it hurt!! and i couldnt stop the pain it had truly knotted it's self up
i wasnt happy
last sunday it was my back this sunday my shoulder
later on we walked up to the bar with his parents and had a drink i had hot chocolate
we came back and laid on his bed and played pokemon and traded too
had dinner and then i reluctantly left at 9pm
i didnt want to go home as i knew bed time was approaching
last night i didnt sleep
i couldnt get off
i ended up listening to my ipod as i was too tired to play pokemon or read or do yoga
i was just exhausted not to mention my shoulder hurt
mum went to wake me at 8am i didnt entertain that idea and fell asleep and got up at 9:30am
sat with piggies and stuff
i txted Nigel asked if he could book me in for today and luckily i got in for 1pm!
acupuncture didnt go well
it was very painful i wish you could see my back
its had cupping done on it and it looks like ive fallen down the stairs its very colourful
the needles effing hurt!! i was squirming whimpering and shouting out
yup wasnt on my best behaviour
i had needles in my head and neck and behind my ears and they kill
i couldnt move with the 12 needles in as to use my voice hurt
but afterwards my shoulder felt loads better and had more movement
i came home and adam was on his way over from work
he came and i made us a brew and we sat with my girls, fussed Oz, played pokemon, annoyed one another and just talked. easy afternoon. I offered for him to stay for dinner as i was eating alone. but he said he had pasta bake which is his favourite and mine so i told him to stay home theres no reason to miss a pasta bake even tho he was prepared to miss it for me.
since then i made myself omelette and just came on my laptop
i might dance later as i havent done any exercise today
ive heard from my brother he video called me and showed me his hotel room and we talked and i passed him on to mum. it was good to speak to him as we had a laugh and joke and ive missed that.
tomorrow marks the day that last year me and adam re-met up
i said we should go out or something or at least do something
he seemed up for it
later on i am going over to mia's for dinner and to book manchester
i took this video of oz on his birthday not sure if it will load ive never uploaded a video before im well aware of how pitched i am -____-
Evening~~
I didn't sleep well
at 1am I was awoken by my phone making a noise
it was my brother sending me a video from Tokyo arsing around with a toilet -____-
this is what I have to deal with XD
but I love it really and love him
I was actually pretty grateful of him waking me as I was having a nightmare
I thought id actually wet myself I was that soaked in sweat
I couldnt have been asleep for anymore than 2 hours
laying still how the hell do i generate all that heat and sweat!?
i cant remember what the dream was
I got up and cleaned my girls out
with Oz nudging me and such
look at him
this is from the other day at night in my room
happy bunbun
anyway i went to then do a dance video
i was doing one lead by a man instead
jesus how much did that guy jump around!?
its cus he doesnt have boobs
i was tiring out pretty quick and luckily it was 20 minutes long
I went for a shower and got ready to go adams house
just as I went to leave my house my phone rang it was my brother calling
so me and mum spoke to him he seems to be doing well
i havent heard much about the trip but know hes eaten pizza flavoured crisps XD
I got to adams house for just after 11am
we went straight to the shops for lunch
we did a longer route than normal i couldnt be arsed but it was done
he was grouchy i have to say
not as bad as thursday but still a bit touchy
he was quick to swear which i know is a tell hes not himself
we ate lunch at his and then he wanted to book my little trip for my birthday
we are going to matlock and staying in a castle! its got a pool and breakfast is included
and its a total for 2 nights for the pair of us £122 that is amazing value
im waiting to find out what the catch is you know?
too good to be true
i was on his bed cuddled up in his quilt whilst he booked it
i was really cold and in need of sugar and pain killers
both of which were not available to me damn it
he went to give me affection but i didnt want it
just out right turned him down on that area
he said "something is bothering you"
i said "yeah but not sure what, its like i know theres an issue but i am unable to tell what the issue is and this is how i am at night its like im restless and something is wrong"
im not sure if its anxiety but ive felt like it past week like im off my game
i realise only now at 7pm that my emotions and feelings are pretty locked up thats whats causing issue ive locked myself down some how. im not feeling anything. past 3 times ive been with adam were theres normally a whole loads of emotions theres nothing but emptyness and i dont mean love and stuff cus even if i didnt love him any more id still feel that love and happiness of friendship im just not feeling anything. like ive gone numb again. i havent felt anything towards my pets ether im only just noticing that. how did i not realise any of this? how out of it have i been past week?
we came down stairs and i played on pokemon
then i went to do his mums nails shes got Pac Man nails they look quirky XD
then i sat in the living room with his dad and his mum
and i kid you not i literally sat there for a whole hour talking to them
adam barely engaged in the conversation as he was on his phone...
now i know guys of my generation have a thing about checking their phones a lot and i can let it slide for a bit but when it hits an hour mark i think thats just rude
so i turned to him when his parents left the room
"youve been on that a whole hour you know" he looked me
"why do i come to see you if youre just gonna be on that ive just been talking to your mum and dad for a hour and its not them ive come to see"
he put his phone down and went to cuddle me but i didnt want it
and his dinner was ready and i was happy to leave
i was feeling frustrated
in fact id had to hold my tongue a few times round him as i could have said some nasty hurtful things to him just cus i could and wanted to but stopped myself as thats not me
i got home and literally ranted to mum when i got home about how i was feeling
she says it sounded like i was hormonal but my problems lie deeper than just hormones
i told her that i could quite easily scrap tomorrow and not go swimming with him but i knew if i didnt go out that it would be a wasted day of me having my own pity party.
she said "id go as you will enjoy swimming and hes arranged it for you, you dont want to throw it in his face"
shes right i know she is
but i havent felt like ive wanted company for a week
i was even glad that i didnt have to see mia this week and that is not like me!
just not right obviously. i think the lack of sleep isnt helping matters
i got a txt from adam saying "sorry for being grouchy"
and he was he wasnt much fun
but i am not one to have ago as i can slip into grouchy moods often enough and with my mood swings and thoughts he must find it hard to read me at times. so i cant have a go at him for doing something so infrequently and its not even that bad ether, he was in a mood, we have moods
i havent txt him back as hes working and wouldnt see it til tonight anyway
after my rant with mum she said
"you seem to come back from adams house in a mood quite often now, especially on a saturday"
i said "i think its because we dont do much and i feel its a waste of time, i get hes got work and doesnt want to do much but sometimes it frustrates me especially when he sits on his phone"
she said "so why dont you go for less time so you dont let the frustration build up as its not doing you any favours"
its good idea, as the last thing i want is to get really annoyed and take it out on someone namely adam. to be honest thats something im worrying about tomorrow is if im still like this tomorrow will i end up biting his head off?
so yeah after all that i sat for 45mins colouring mum said i needed to do something i enjoy to help me unwind and cheer myself up. and it did help and mum followed up my colouring by making me omelet and baked beans woo!
im glad ive realised what my issue it
that ive had a numbing week
just dont know why its taken me so long to realise that
might tell mum later what the problem is
tonight not sure what i will do
dont need to do anymore exercise but i might as it helps gets stuff out my system
tomorrow i am meeting adam at the gym at 1pm i am going swimming and he is going gym then im going to his for a bath and staying at his house for dinner
i will try not to kill anyone
Konbanwa~~
I didnt sleep well
surprise surprise
I woke up at 2:45am
and got up just after 3am
I had a hot chocolate, cereal, pain killers - the usual
but my mind was wired I just didnt even feel tired
I did a lil bit of dancing with my ipod in my ears
then decided to do the job my dad had asked me to which was
to bake clay on the top of 2 car keys (yeah dont ask)
so i went into my room and quietly got my clay stuff out and started
doing that and by 5am they were out the oven and I was on my way to bed
my brother had messaged me at 4:50am saying he was in tokyo
he must have been travelling about 24 hours he said he was shattered
and couldnt wait for a shower
but at least he is there
not heard much from him today
guessing hes ok
So today I got ready in the morning then me and mum went to dunelm
picked up a few sales bits and a very cute canvas of a rabbit to go in the hall way
i will have to photograph it
we had lunch there and then we went for a walk by the canal
i popped into Currys on the way back to the car to look at ipods
im having a tough decision now as they sell Nanos which they dont seem to online
just the touch is available online so now i dont know whether i want a nano or a touch
need to talk to my brother which one is worth having
i like how small nanos are and i dont need the internet on it or a camera
so i dont think id use a touch to its potential
we got home and put the girls out
i had a brew and went to bed i couldnt stand to be awake any longer
i woke up at 4pm and looked at make up and hair tutorials but nothing stood out to me
i got some nail art ideas as i need to paint adams mum's nails tomorrow
she is going to have Pac Man nails then next week Scrabble nails
I uploaded a dance today which i did enjoy doing but i had a look at the past few dances and im really not a good dancer to the point where i wondered "why do i bother sharing my dancing" im really not good but then i havent watched any other youtubers dance i just watch the idol groups dance and theyres so neat and sharp and do it effortlessly
i feel like quitting at times but i do it for the exercise but im not sure why i bother uploading them. this isnt me having a pity party and wanted to be told im a good dancer, its just how i feel from watching myself
Tomorrow it is a a pretty normal saturday
my mum is going to go do her park run with the ladies
and so i am in charge of piggies and cleaning out
after i have cleaned out i will do a dance video i think
shower and go to adams and have lunch with him
i think we will book my Matlock holiday whilst im over
Here is a t-shirt I got in the post for a grand total of £5.20
i ordered it from china this week!! so fast and good quality im well impressed
there was so many designs but i liked the colours on this on and devil girl XD
Evening~
Man I have just been yoga and Karen wrecked us
so much for "its a slow session today of core and legs"
slow my arse!! jesus that woman is obsessed
you know the lesson is gonna be good when she comes to me
at the start telling me to go slow and that shes keeping an eye on me
anyway last night
I woke up to the sound of my brother getting ready to be taken
to uni by my dad
I shouted to him "see ya"
but in the end I was laying there so long listening that I ended up
needing to get up for pain killers so I saw him off in the end
I was shattered this morning as per usual
I managed a bit of dancing this morning mainly Angerme
didnt have the energy for a dance video but I knew I had yoga anyway
went for a shower then I sat and read and didnt do much basically
i finished off a drawing I did last night which took me 20mins
surprisingly quick even if it just is an outline
I ate lunch and waited for adam to turn up from work
we sat and played pokemon and lazed round
i felt so tired and i ended up relaxing! fancy that me relaxing!
It was the first time in days ive relaxed
ive been so tense, anxious and restless
think i might have nodded off a bit on adam
poor guy deals with a lot from me XD
He told me that this weekend at his gym is "bring a friend weekend"
so basically who ever he takes gets a free pass for the day
he said that I was welcome to go swimming
i thought "great free swim!"
but it turns out hes not swimming with me...>.>
hes going to be in the gym he says
i said "why cant i go gym too?"
he said "ive banned you from the gym after last time"
ok so maybe i did end up practically passed out for 3 hours afterwards
but what right did he have to ban me >.>
so im swimming by myself which im fine with to be honest
the only trouble is that gym doesnt have cubicles to get changed in
theres like 2 and its a big gym last time i was lucky enough to get a changing room
and i was like a ninja nun there not letting anyone see me even if it meant my
clothes getting wet from the shower
adam said i could have a bath at his house when i got there so i neednt put
myself through the changing room ordeal
i will still need to get changed from the swim suit but i can manage that quick im sure
something different to do and look forward to
we've agreed to go Matlock round my birthday
and i think we are gonna book it on saturday
when i next see him
Ive been given work at a local school for next thursday and friday morning :D
I brought a new eye liner to try
its soooooo thin its brilliant and it also comes off easily
no rubbing my eyes for an hour!
tomorrow ive got the day with mummy~
Evening~~
I didn't sleep too bad last night
but I was shattered and didnt colour as my eyes were stinging
just to keep them open
This morning I got up at 9am
to find mum had cleaned all the pets out!!!! jesus what time did she get up!?
so once again I havent been able to a job I can do
she moans no one helps her but how can you when you dont get the chance!?
i was grateful i was
she went out shopping
I put on another exercise/dance video which was 20mins longer
but wasnt as good or as fun as yesterday
it was learning a dance but the woman kept stopping and talking
annoys me why cant some people just get on with it
I finished and had a shower then got ready for the day
after lunch I went up to adams i wasnt in the mood
but then i wasnt in the mood to do anything really if im honest
so going up there at least i was doing something
I got up and we went straight to were the shops and cafe was
just for a walk and wonder
we got back for a brew and talked to his dad
then we started making up a cabinet adam had ordered online
it took 90mins shockingly
but it was a bit of a surreal experience for me
DIY was taking place but there was no stress, tension, swearing, aggression
and adams dad even let me use a screw driver a lot and educated me on using one would you believe, well if you have never done these things before how do you know whats best to do
then he let me use a hammer at the end to knock a few nails in
all of it was a total experience to me
my dad has never educated me on this kinda handiwork he simply doesnt have the patience whereas adams dad didnt pressure me or anything
it was such a different experience compared to what ive been brought up with
after the cabinet completion i offered to polish it for adam cus it has dust and bits on it from making it, he simply said "it doesnt need polishing"
"its ok I will do it for you if you go and get me a polish and duster"
after a bit of arguing he went and had to ask his dad where the polish was located...
seriously!? that boy does zero cleaning -_____-
I got my way and cleaned it and whilst I was at it I cleaned his room too as it was driving me mad seeing that dust piling up, he was not a happy bunny seriously.
yeah it was a side to him I had never seen before
hes usually so calm and easy going and he was actually annoyed, grouchy and stroppy!!!
I couldnt believe it and found it funny
I left shortly after as I needed to see pets
he later on sent a txt saying he hates showing that side of himself and hes sorry
nothing to be sorry for cus jesus im far worse than he is and im constantly changing moods so what i had to deal with today was nothing compared to what he has to deal with in me
besides i need to see all the sides to him
lets me get to know him better
i was trying my best to wind him up with it all tho XD
i got home and sat with millie and alice
then maisy
had dinner and now im with Oz who is happy bunny ^^
tomorrow not sure what im doing
i know i have yoga
i might do another video in the morning
big news tho
my dearest younger brother is leaving us at 3am
hes going with his University to Tokyo
and will be back wednesday
of course i am jealous!!!
