I'm 26!

Omedatou Gozaimasu!

Today at 2am Jozu-chan turns 26 years old X3

Anyway I am home~~

I've had a really good time I have enjoyed my little break away
I came home about 10:30am this morning with adam

I haven't actually done a lot on my birthday
the celebration is more spread out across the week I'd say
but today we've sat with the animals, we've been for a walk
I went over and saw adam's dad for an hour
I have opened all my lovely gifts and cards 
mum made me my favourite meal of home made meatballs and spaghetti
she baked me a cake and let me lick out the bowl woohoo!
I've had adam's company til 5pm
tonight I have danced in my room for half hour enjoying myself
as I felt i needed to get it out of my system
im just with Oz whilst im doing this quick diary 
then he's going home for the night so I can shower and try a couple of facial products
i have been saving for my birthday X3
I have a hair product too but considering how freshly dyed it is im not gonna bother 

Tomorrow I have the job of sorting my new car out
as yes I officially have switched  my cars!
From my 2004 Renault Megane I now have a 2005 Kia Rio
it isnt a vast upgrade but the car is growing on me
just currently it stinks of wet dog and needs a serious clean
second hand cars for you
so i need to clean it out and put all my crap from my old car into my new one
I also have Ozwald to clean out too

Later me and mum should be going out for a brew somewhere
then we have yoga in the evening
and i have a new yoga mat to give a test drive!

I can't say I feel and different haha
to be honest it hardly feels like my birthday
it really doesnt for some reason
i feel quite detached from it all
even adam has said im quite today
but maybe im just exhausted from matlock
who knows what with my mentality 

I got this year 
a new (second hand) car from my parents
they also got me a new generation 6 pink Ipod touch
this is my 3rd Ipod since I was 16 my ipods have lasted! but I have never had a touch before
ive had 2 nanos 
they also got me a new and very pretty yoga matt

Adam brought me a freakin Pandora bracelet!!!!
totally unexpected i mean i have no idea how much pandora bracelets are
but i know they aint cheap and it has a thumper charm on it and charms aint cheap ether!!!
guess it shows he loves me X3 
im very pleased with it anyway very happy with it and dont think i wanna add to it as i like it how it is at the moment he was very worried i wouldnt like it for some bazaar reason
its from him and had a rabbit on it whats not to like!?

My brother gave me a ipod case and glass screen protector which he put on for me

Adams parents brought me a yoga mat which im gonna keep in my car for when i go and do yoga at mia's house so that worked out well and she can have my old mat

Tara brought me a massive nail varnish set!!! seriously theres a lot there 0.0

Karen brought me a t-shirt with an anime character on it i think its Kotori from lovelive! which she ordered from Japan and she brought me a little fox brooch also

so ive had a lot of lovely things today and a few them on the pricey side which doesnt usually happen! ive had the car insurance and tax paid also 

very lucky
very grateful

Be back on my 26th Birthday!

Evening~~~

I slept like crap
I woke up at 12pm to the sound of my brother taking his
newly gained girlfriend home
fell asleep and woke up at 1:30am
I had to get up for pain relief
I ended up doing half hour of yoga then I had a hot chocolate
went to bed at 3am i tossed and turned til 4am
I woke up then at 8am then 9am
my sleep is so disturbed and broken

I got up and was nagged for getting up late
yes but I have been up half the night and Im shattered
and feel like death

I got the suit case out the shed to start packing
but I didnt do any
I managed to write down directions to the places we're heading too
I got ready to see adam and had my lunch and that was literally
all I had time for
I am getting used to my purple hair which hasnt faded much ><

it was good weather so I didnt bother bringing Oz off his paint bucket to
adams in the end I went up to his house picked him up and we went for a cold walk
man it was chilly! 
we got back to his parents house for a brew and his mum was making scones 
so I got to have a scone ^^
we sat on the sofa playing on DS i was getting frustrated with a boss on Okami-den
i did it tho ^^
I was aching like mad and in the end adam suggested that we go upstairs
i sat next to the radiator or paced the room until he picked me up onto his bed
he tried to have a play fight with me but i was so tired
we talked and stuff

when it was time for me leave his parents gave me a birthday present 
and an extra scone and told me to have a good time in matlock
i didnt stay for dinner at adams i was far too shattered to endure that
so i came home and packed a few bits
packing is very hard as derbyshire has a strange climate 
its sunny one minute then chucking it down the next
not to mention some points were walking the streets others  were walking in nature 
so its hard to pack! glad ive got my car and not the train so i can fill my
car with crap without having to carry it!

I had a moment tonight were I felt quite sick
I was googling a few mental health things to just try and understand myself
when I came across Dissociative  Identity Disorder
which seriously sounds like me that it scared me
i wonder if thats what i have?

Ive been Ozwald who has been in a good mood all day
bless him i will miss his little face 
I did my nails for my birthday week~

So tomorrow I am going to Matlock - Derbyshire
staying in a castle 
and coming back wednesday 7th february which is my birthday! 

My Purple Hair

Evening~~~

Death
look and feel like death
I mean just check this out

Just look at those eye bags, dark am I right!

I really look like a corpse that hasnt slept in yonks as lets 
face it I no longer sleep
I no longer have a normal sleeping pattern
and its taken a real toll on me
I know my hair is dark but when I took this photo I felt I really
did look sickly
anyway it will wash out but doesnt mean I will sleep

So today I felt like death it took me ages to get going
I managed to clean my girls out 
then I got ready to go see adam i was looking forward to seeing him
and his parents as i havent seen them in a while

I wondered what the verdict would be on my hair
but they all said nice things even tho i could tell it shocked adam to see it
my dad on the other hand told mum that "i don't like Jo's hair"
im not bothered
it will wash out

I refused to go up to the shops for food
as it was effing freezing today it just didnt stop raining making cold and damp
and lets face it miserable 
so I stayed home and talked to his mum and dad for a lil while
we had lunch then i did his mum's nails
people at her work place had noticed she hadn't had them painted in a couple of weeks
and asked her "they havent split up have they!?" haha noo just havent been around XD
then i came home for 4pm knowing i had pets to have in as it was so wet out there
pinks had a bath this morning as it was just gross she stunk so shes smells
fresher now

Oz was happily playing out in the rain today
my god he was wet bunny! so he will need a groom tonight!

Id like to paint my nails tonight if i can
i did my toe nails last night ready for swimming in matlock

tonight i would like to dance as i have done no exercise today
due to it being cold and wet

tomorrow adam has asked if i take my Ozwald to his house
which i said i would
then not sure what happens after that
i guess it depends on the weather
i gotta pack for matlock also

Purple hair

Evening~~

I didn't sleep well and ended up getting up at 5am for pain killers
I have as of yesterday managed to drop a pain killer during the day
so I was on 8 a day now im on just 2 a day
+2 which is a different pain killer
I didn't want to get up and was woken up by the agency ringing me
but screw em Ive rang them twice now and asked them to call me back
but they didnt and decided to call at 8am! screw em!
I got up anyway and felt like road kill

My morning started with a bit of dancing then I started working
on the dungarees mia gave me
mum came back from acupuncture and we went to the super market
i havent been in quite a while we were gonna go there then Boots
so I could look at hair dye but I ended up choosing one from the super market
i went for 'plum' 
I have never had purple hair before
we got home and had lunch then I laid down for an hour
i was feeling mentally much better than yesterday but still not perfect

me and mum went for a walk and it turned out to be a right crap walk
she brought up the fact that dad wants ME to sell my car
and at the whole thing I feel like having a total melt down
I started getting frustrated with the situation and then at myself for not being able
to handle simple things so I got upset whilst walking and it took a while to calm down
because it wasnt just that thought that was troubling me it was everything
everything comes piling to the front of my mind in a mix like a hurricane
and its hard to deal with 

we got home and had a brew and i talked about how im finding everything
so difficult lately
she said "you need a husband to sort all this out for you"
i said "i dont need a husband i just need a normal head!"
she went to dye my hair then
and I am dark purple
yup its quite dark indeed and purply XD
I havent told anyone that ive done it

afterwards i had a shower and went and continued the dungarees
i ended up finishing them and i think they look cute
mum liked them anyway
i packed up and went on my laptop 

I got my hair wax in the post this week

I am yet to try it
its smells like cream and it looks like it has a soft texture and a light texture too
i look forward to giving it a go

tomorrow i am seeing adam
im looking forward to being cuddled up in his arms
i just want to be put at ease
lately i feel like tranquillising myself just so i can sleep or chill out
sick of my mental state
its really really taking its toll

Mentalness getting the better of me

Evening~~

I didn't do my diary yesterday as it was too late and I was too tired!

Anyway yesterday!
I had woken up late and mum had already cleaned the pigs out!!
Damn it woman its a job I can do let me do it! I woke up at 8:50am
We got Millie ready for the vets
and they looked at her and discharged saying her lungs and throat sounded 
totally normal which i was happy about and she had put weight on too
which we could tell without weighing her 

we came home and i think i went back to bed as i just felt like crap
id had a rubbish old night as usual
when I woke up I got ready to adam and went over to his house at 2pm
we didnt do much and then we left at 4pm for my house
I didnt feel right coming home
I felt dirty and not right in my own body (I am just mental at times)
I got home and went to sort my hair out which looked crap to say id had a shower at 9am
I put clothes on and didnt feel right in them
all in all i was not happy but not taking it out on others just myself
mum said i looked like a caged animal
in the end i dived in the shower as i thought it would calm matters down
water always calms me and restores me i blame it on being an Aquarius 
its when I have these moments i have to be selfish and just sort myself out basically
but it doesnt help when i do this and have a guest over
one of which i had disappeared on and left talking with my mother!!!
I came downstairs in a better frame of mind - not perfect - but better
we set off for Tara's house
In the car I asked adam "so what was you and mum saying?"
he gave me a look of guilt "you wasnt talking about me was you!?"
his face confirmed my suspicions
"of al the topics you could have talked about and you chose me" -_____-
he said "i think she was just worried"
>.>

We arrived at tara's with no issue
james wasnt home yet from work but when he came in tara sent him upstairs
to get changed from work and when he came down he had a lovely surprise
of nutmeg and rocky!
so we played with her bunnies which are cuties i love em
but then i love bunnies ^^
I felt so much better at taras i was much more at ease and enjoying myself

we all sat down and played 'card against humanity'
for those who have never heard of it its an incredibly funny, cringing, dirty game
i had played it once before in london with my friends years ago and found it hilarious 
so playing this time was no different
god all our faces ached at the end of it even adam's 
it was good to see he had such a good time with my friends 
we got up and sorted our own food out which was chips and pulled pork on cobs
taras pulled pork was flippin amazing i ate more than i usually do it was so freakin good 
we finished up and i held her hamster who woke up he is adorable i love him
we finished a couple more round on the card game
i won XD oh yeah people didnt expect me to be good at that game X3
at 9pm we left and tara gave me my birthday present
i went to take adam home
all the way home feeling like i was gonna bring my food up but it was just anxiety
getting anxious about my mentality once id be home

turns out i did manage to get ready for bed and pass out til 1am
i was tired so i wasnt surprised but then the night from there was rubbish

i got up and i dont know where my head was today but it wasnt right
i had such a bad day with my head
i couldnt face getting cold just putting the pigs outside
i couldnt face getting told off by mum from doing nothing and not putting the pigs out
i couldnt face ringing the agency for work
i couldnt face making myself some food
i didnt want to eat
i didnt want to draw or sew like i had planned
i didnt want to be alone
i wanted to ring mum and ask her to come home
but wasnt going down that line
all in all i laid about in a ball and paced til mum came home
crap crap crap day
waste of a day 
a day spent wrapped up in my abnormal head

mum came home and could work out i wasnt in the right frame of mind 
i told her and i could tell she was just tired of it
we made beans on toast for a late lunch at 2pm
luckily at 1pm i had managed to put the pigs out before she came home

since then i have gormed out in front of my laptop watching hair and make up stuff
fed up of my hair so i might go out and buy a dye tomorrow 

i feel unwell
i feel like im coming down with something
i hope im not with my birthday being less than a week away!

ive got yoga tonight
i will drag my corpse through it somehow and then get anxious
about the night to come no doubt
i hate life at times

tomorrow id like to buy hair dye and actually sew!
my nails from a previous week 

New Lip tint and Blusher

Evening~~#~~

I fell asleep around 10pm to wake at 11:30pm
jeez I havent even been asleep long!!
I had a dream also, I was being chased, which I did enjoy but upon
waking up I found myself incredibly sweaty and I hadnt  even slept with my
pajama bottoms on, just how do I create so much damn heat!!!?
I fell asleep and woke up at 1am having a strange dream about bells
that everyone had their own bell on a shelf if you picked it up it should hover and ring
if it does this loudly and a lot it means you truly love your other half
mia rang hers and it rang loudly i rang mine and it rang but not as loudly as hers
i found helina's and rang it and rang once which was very quiet
i went to pick up her fiance's bell and it fell straight to the floor
no hover or ring
i was furious and wanting to ring his neck!!
I woke up and could still feel the bitterness and rage i felt in my dream
I was awake for a while, dropped off and woke up at 4:30am
its relentless im only sleeping in 1- 2 hour bursts

mum woke me at 7:30am as I had requested
I got piggies out and got ready to go karen's
I arrived at Karen's a couple of minutes late as there was a major traffic build up
where there usually isnt and its the way to taras too so i hope its not permanent traffic as i gotta go that way tomorrow!!
It was lovely to see Karen again and we talked about numerous things as always
I saw her old dog bless him
then i left for home and a shower

Mum came in and i made myself a salad for lunch
quite into salads
then i picked adam up from the gym
we went for a walk by the trent which is what i wanted to~
it was nice actually 
then we came back to my house and some how the day went
we saw my pets and stuff and i took him home

I got these in the post yesterday

BBIA Downy cheek in Apricot colour and  Berrisom's My Ice Bar for lips in Pink lemonade shade I have tried both, the blusher is subtle and soft to use and the lip balm is very vibrant and even feels cool on your lips! I like both products ^^

I may dance tonight or I might draw~

Tomorrow I am seeing adam in the afternoon then were going over to tara's for dinner :D

Nails and rants

KoNbaNWa

I slept okish it was nice to be reunited with mu own bed
and my own space, never quite used to sharing a bed
I woke up at 8:15am
I had breakfast but felt exhausted

I tried doing half hour of dancing just practising a few I want to learn
learning i think 5 at the moment! But I like variation 
mum came home and I went for a shower then sat with her
I ate lunch and went to bed feeling tired and achy from my weekend
I had just started to feel like I was about to drop off and what happens
the bloody door bell goes >.>
I got up as I was home alone
and I couldnt even slag anyone off because it was a parcel for me!!!

I couldnt get off back to sleep so I googled kawaii dungarees
for some inspiration on what to do with the dungarees mia had given to me
I came up with a design eventually and started sorting materials out and such

I made myself dinner with was tomato tuna pasta 
couldnt be bothered to cook much
went into my room to tidy up and go on my laptop
mum was going out and couldnt find her car keys
she shouted me to look in her room so i did and i found them
my brother was at the bottom on the stairs with mum and was just about
to say "dont throw them" but they had already left my hand and as soon as i did it
i knew i shouldnt have but it was stupid mistake we all make
none of us are perfect
but my brother lectured me and dad was in the other room calling me stupid and such
you know the usual rude remarks he says to me
i was tempted to go take it up with him but chose to take it out on my brother instead
- the safer option and less aggressive
dad is so rude tho i have no idea why he hates me the way he does and it is hate i can feel it theres no love or warmth there. he never talks to me unless its something involving him, my car or my work. i sometimes try strike up a conversation with him but it never goes anywhere because he doesnt want to talk to me i think he sees me as a waste of his time or something. So when he isnt talking to me or ignoring my existence completely hes being rude to me
and it is 99% of the time unnecessary and very hurtful 
mum says shes doesnt know why he is the way he is but he needs help 
seriously he needs help as over the years he pushes me further and further away 
and its a strain on mum because shes the 'go between' literally conversations that have to happen between me and my dad are gone through mum as i dont want to talk him as hes rude and uninterested in anything i have to say and i fear him being horrible to me and he doesnt talk to me because i dont know i cant work him out
people say to me "he does love you" "he shows his love in different ways"
no he doesnt
he really doesnt
hes soulless and i think he always will be

anyway enough ranting about the home life i live with
i drew out a nail idea i want to do before i go away next week
as this time next week im in Matlock with adam :D 
this is this week's nails 

Tomorrow I am seeing Karen at 9am so I gotta get up and out
I will come back shower, maybe start my dungarees and maybe see adam
see what the day brings