Painting at 11pm

Evening~~

I was incredibly restless last night
pain was awful and I wanted to cry out my frustrations
I had an need to paint so thats what I did
I painted from 10:15pm til 10:50pm
I randomly painted a rabbit
I didnt use a pencil I just kept working with paint i was constantly mixing
i suck at painting ive never been good at it but sometimes i enjoy it and do it
so at 11pm i went downstairs to my parents to show them this

mum really liked it and dad thought it was good
my brother thought it was good and a lil weird i had done it in that moment of the night
just couldnt help myself and it distracted me from my endless pain

I went downstairs for an hour then climbed into bed at 1:30am eventually
falling asleep just after 2am to wake up at 3:30am
i dont go into a deep enough sleep im just exhausted
whats wrong with me?
im so tired

i got up at 8:15am 
i got ready to go over to Nigel's for 'Bowen massage' 
it was strange and sometimes a lil painful but i was alright
then he let me fuss his dog who is lovely and bonkers and i can see the love he has for her
i was told to drink a lot and not sit for long periods of time
i came home for a brew~

then I did odd jobs really
got ready to see adam who turned up at mine after the gym
we sat round a little bit but i was gonna fall asleep  so i decided to go out
i took him down to the river where i used to throw stones and skim stones as a kid
i started running down the bank to the river, adam watched
then i threw a stone in watching is splosh 
adam asked "what are you doing jo?"
i didnt turn to face him i just continued and luckily he passed the test
and came to join me instead of calling me childish or something
we were there a while and he could obviously throw amazingly far
his skimming skills were amazing too!

we walked to a pub for a brew and it was a proper brew too with tea leaves
i was well happy but very achy and tired
we headed to the car as it began to rain 
we got to mine and tried to round in Oz out the shed but he wasnt having any of it
from me mum and adam XD
so i got my girls out and we sat with them
when i took them home Oz decided he wanted fuss so i scooped him up
and brought him on the sofa to fuss with adam 
then i took adam and Oz home XD

since then I havent done much
been trying to think of ideas for a rabbit quilt I want to make for my wall in my room
its gonna take a lot of designing!!

god knows how my night is gonna go 
i told mum and adam i could easily have a hissy fit
and get uspet tonight as my frustrations and fatigue is bubbling over
so if that is what happens tonight i have warned all XD

tomorrow not seeing adam as he's working a longer shift
but i will entertain myself as per usual~

Losing dignity at 10am

Evening~~~

I didn't sleep too badly last night
i was in quite bad pain going to bed
so it took 3 hours to get off to sleep
which took it to about 12:30am

I didn't do too much in the morning
i had a shower and did the pet duties
and was dying of stomach ache
i have had stomach ache for 8 days now
whats up with me

i will say what did happen in the damn morning tho
my brother phoned to say that he was expecting a package from amazon
i thought "well im still going in the shower"
so I showered and got out to the sound of the door bell going
i just groaned knowing i was the only one home
I quickly grabbed a towel round me, ran to mum's bedroom and shouted out the
window to the poor postman who looked up to see sopping wet with a towel
hiding my modesty
i asked him to leave the parcel at the front door he did and didnt look at me again!
do i look that bad as a drowned rat!?
i went to go get dressed in the bathroom and the door goes again!!!
window cleaner!!
damn him so i was dressed but still with sopping wet hair i answered and paid him
and went to dry my hair
theres no dignity left with me
in the space of 10 minutes id embarrassed my self twice in front of two men
also also the parcel wasnt even for my brother it was for me!!
so i couldnt even moan to him!!!!
very annoying!

i went to make myself cheese on toast for lunch
so i grilled one side of the bread
went to put on the other side - sweetcorn, tuna, cheese, mozzarella
wait why is the mozzarella green!!!!!?
seriously it poured out the packet green (it was already pre-grated cheese)
so it ruined the entire thing and i had to start over!!

I went to meet adam at the gym he said he's been watching me reverse up
with his friend on the CCTV all i can say is, thank god i can reverse and did it first time
otherwise that would have been embarrassing

we went to his and i wanted to go out so we went to walk to his local shops
we went round charity shops and i found 2 pokemon figures i rescued
we went for ice cream then went to his for a brew and talked with his dad
then had a play fight on his bed

i came home and since then i havent done much
but i plan to hopefully do some dancing or drawing
something anyway
then watch anime with Oz

tomorrow I am seeing Nigel
he isnt giving me acupuncture tho!
hes learnt a new type of massage, but he isnt qualified in it
but would like me to be his guinea pig and i agreed cus i dont mind really
so thats at 10:30am not sure how long for tho
then seeing adam apparently

wonder what tonight will be like
some nights i ache like crazy
some im shattered
some im hyper and feel like howling at the moon XD

my nails this week~

another wasted monday

Evening all~~

And what a total waste of a day today has been
which exactly like last monday which surprised me
I just felt exhausted and mentally drained
once again I hadnt slept
I was aching like crazy in bed and I got up when my parents went to bed
i thought "sod it i will take two" instead of taking 1 pain killer
only when I had taken it did I remember I still had one left in my system from
earlier so I had overdosed a lil but I wasnt arsed
wasnt going to kill me
did make me feel off my head tho as im not used to taking 2 anymore
never mind 3 so I went to bed to conk out on there which I did
then I woke up in the night as per usual~

I havent done anything today like literally nothing
i went back to bed at 12pm
i just couldnt think my eyes felt tiny and sore
so i slept for 2 hour straight and i did feel more awake when i got up
but my body was still very sluggish
its taken til 6pm for energy to flow so i did a bit of dancing

i did some doodling today and i found an anime for me and Oz to watch later
apart from that ive done nothing
i did eat one of mum's homemade cookies
i knew i shouldnt but i wanted it as they arent that big and i hadnt eaten much 
but i actually didnt enjoy it
so i know not to bother next time  i will leave the rest for my brother to scoff XD

tomorrow I am hopefully seeing adam woo
be nice to have some company but i dont know what to do with him
i cant plan my day somehow 

i got some more korean products in the post last week
i got a lavender face cream to make under the eyes brighter - which it does ive tried it!
and i got a orange lip crayon and its proper orange!!!
both im pleased with and i got for a good price with free samples

White Lace Kitty Ears

Evening~

I didn't sleep as usual
fed up so so fed up
I actually felt poorly this morning i really didnt feel good and thought
id have to cancel antony but i knew i couldnt do that to the guy
so i sucked it up and put on my big girl panties and got ready

I walked to the pub where we were meeting
i felt so dizzy walking i think its sheer fatigue 
and i was thankful i had decided to walk not drive

I met antony and told him the pub door were shut
he showed me on facebook that it said it should have opened an hour ago
so we waited for adam
and then i said we'd walk to the cafe which thank god was open as i needed a brew
i hadnt had a morning brew

it was really lovely we sat talking and talking we all ate lunch
and he filled us in on his wedding the april
its so nice to see him so happy

we parted ways and i walked to my house with adam
we didnt stay too long as we went for a walk but i was so damn tired
adam wanted to go to a cafe and i didnt argue 
he ordered me tea and i sat down for it saying he didnt need to as he paid for me
in the morning and had just paid again for me 
he simply said "dont worry about it i could see you needed it"
"what do you mean i needed it?"
"just trust me Jo i can see you needed it"
later on he told me i look tired T^T 
i must just look like a corpse 24/
and im sick of it

we went back to adams house
and i sat talking but i was aching aching and more aching like i have all sodding day
i have felt rotten all bloody day
i walked off having enough of sitting there
and found the energy to annoy him and followed me upstairs were i was literally tortured on his bed i hate being ticklish and how easy it is for him to get a reaction out of me!!!! its infuriating!!! 
he only has to whisper something dirty/rude in my ear for me to ether make a noise or turn red or both!! and i cant do it back it doesnt work and he isnt ticklish ether
i went home for dinner i was offered dinner but was far too tired

came home and went straight to the toilet for 20mins jesus i had punishing stomach upset 
just one thing after another today
i havent done much since then just 3 emails and checked a couple of things online

I finished Houseki no Kuni last night with Oz
all i can say is that it best have a season 2 otherwise that is another sucky anime
not sure what i will watch next actually

tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
millie had gunky eyes this morning so ive booked her in at the vets for tomorrow but her eyes cleared up the rest of today so i will see in the morning whether she needs to go or not

I made white lace kitty ear clips this week from a headband i brought on ebay for 99p

Late Matlock Photos

Evening~~

I did my nails last night woo
quite like em~
I was up at 4am tho
I ended up having cereal due to the fact I needed to take pain killers
and taking them on an empty stomach aint good
so of course this means i still havent slept

So today I got up and motivated to go clean pets out
and had a shower
then I set off to adams house I hadnt txted him all morning I figured Id
just turn up and surprise him and to my surprise i found him home alone too
but we didnt stay in long as we went to go get food
we went shops for food but i ate porridge for lunch as i didnt fancy other food
i have felt sick all day

after lunch i did his mum's nails she has got clouds this week
she was happy with em
we sat round then i was getting fidgety and achy so we went upstairs
but i just wanted to sleep and he wouldnt let me sleep and im glad he didnt but it didnt stop me from the time giving him attitude about it all
then i left as he had work

i came home and went on my laptop and applied for teaching assistant jobs
did some dinner and 20mins of dancing 
tonight i plan on watching the final  2 episodes of Houseki no Kuni with Ozwald

tomorrow I am seeing a friend from school - antony
who has kindly invited me to his wedding and so i said id like to see him before that event!
were meeting at the pub at 11am but adam was on about going gym at that time
so i will give him the option of gym or antony i know full well he will come see antony with me
should be nice~
but then i dont know what to do after that 
see how the day goes i guess

ok so my matlock trip
we stayed in an old castle which was very lovely honestly i have never stayed in anything like it and we had a double bed each (they were already put next to one another) it was nice to have room on the bed for a change. the room was lovely and had a bath which i made full use of!
we were in a part of the castle by ourselves literally no one else around so we had no one else to listen to. woohoo!
the view from outside our hotel/castle

when we left the car there we walked up to 'black rock' my god it was a walk and a half i tell you but it was good to do i guess as it killed time and black rock was amazing as per usual but i totally forgot that adam doesnt like heights such the good girlfriend i am -____- so i took photos of what it looked like over the cliff for him XD its strange seeing him afraid of something 

from there we were able to check into the hotel and we rested before going to a pub called "the greyhound" and I had butternut squash risotto which was good actually

next day i drove to lumsdale falls as i LOVE that place its full of natural water falls
it gently snowed whilst we walked round which added to the magic of the place
i loved it and this was the day before my birthday

then we went to matlock for a quick look round and had lunch at 'the black cat cafe' that was a really lovely place, then we went to matlock bath were there was absoultely nothing open i know its not tourist season but jeez ghost town. luckily we found ONE cafe open and it did proper tea with tea leaves and home made cake jesus i was having a sugar fix it was bloody amazing i had chocolate orange cake adam had fudge cake
i drove back to the hotel for a rest and then for dinner we went to a pub in matlock  called 'the red lion' i had to drive there in the snow going up steep hills in the dark! scary!
the food was amazing i ate so much i had lasagna ate far too much

the next day was my 26th birthday and when i woke up next to adam
he went to go give me my birthday present and gave me loads of affection too
then we left for home 

matlock was really enjoyable - very cold - but i did enjoy it
next time we 'go away' will be april
we have our 1 year anniversary coming up and also antonys wedding in burton on trent 

My Sugar Vow

Evening~~

Last night was terrible
I was in so much pain that I was just weeping
I wasnt even actually crying just had tears leaking down my face
It was horrific I was just hurting so much
and then suddenly the penny dropped
i had binged on sugar...yup I had had a mega sugar fix yesterday
and I have began to notice that a lot sugar = awful pain
so at 11:30pm I vowed in my bed that I would stop having binges on sugar
and I would cut my daily in take

so today has been cold turkey and it has sucked big time!!!
cereal i snack on all day long seriously i do i love it
i keep cereal in business XD
so thats got to stop but for the record i dont eat sugary cereal
theres far worse and sinful on the market trust me!
but cereal will have to remain just for breakfast
i have cut my sugar in my tea to 1/2 tea spoon sugar
cutting out cakes, biscuits, chocolates all that
jesus its like going on a diet!!!! trouble is i dont even like crisps or pastries 
to enjoy instead of sugar so life sucks
but after last night i just couldnt bare to do it to my self its not worth it
its really not, its pain i could prevent and to say i spend EVERY SINGLE DAY
in pain and i could prevent pain then im gonna do it!
its like drinking and having a hangover
and my hangover isnt worth it

today has been hard
i have not once gone for cereal i have had 2 cups of tea, a hot chocolate and a biscuit
so for day 1 thats not too criminal 
but i will keep improving 
the biscuit and hot chocolate were small tho for the record!

anyway enough about sugar its making me want a cereal fix
miss cereal all ready T^T
i had work today and i felt better about it today
i just got on with it really and finished at 12pm
there was cake in the staff room and usually when this happens i usually think
"oh my god free cake!!!" but today i saw it and thought straight back to myself weeping in pain in bed last night and so it repelled me from eating any

I came home and felt quite tired but made myself a salad and put girls out
i went for a half hour walk by myself
came home and showered 
then just relaxed as best i could i played a whole 50mins on my DS!!
thats good for me trust me usually after 10mins ive had enough 

I went to Nigel's for some acupuncture that mum MADE me go to >.>
didnt wanna go
i mean nigel is great needles on the other hand...
so i said to him
"smallest needles are needed today nigel"
he said "so the 0.06 thickness?"
"theryre the ones"
upon lying down he started putting them in and said
"these are the 0.21 needles"
"thats not what we agreed"
"yes but the 0.06 ones are too short"
"thats not problem" yes i challenge him i think XD
later he gave me massage and i didnt know massages could be so damn painful
but i can take pain i just endure it as ever since my illness i know that an extra pain will go very shortly unlike my persistent pain
so he was really pulling down with his thumb in my shoulder (yes its as painful as it sounds) and i eventually said "i dont think its gonna break"
he sniggered "im not trying to break it"
then he had his knee cap in my back bone and was pulling me back onto it by my shoulders and i said "i can be pulled more test me test me"
he laughed and said "this is certainly flexible" but didnt test me boooooo
I left feeling looser 
and he has learned a new massage type but not qualified but feels id benefit as its a massage to help the nervous system which is a big issue with me its basically because of my nervous system that im in constant pain. he asked if i would be his guinea pig
so i agreed and booked in with him for wednesday
he then said "it could give you headaches and make you feel achy"
i said "you tell me this now after ive booked in with you and agreed to have it! thats not on!"
i dont mind nigel i can have a laugh with him now hes got used to me
ive had 27 sessions!! hes spent 27 hours with me!! more than a whole day!

this evening i am with my Ozwald
we are gonna watch anime which i have been doing with him past few days
and it has been such a long time since i have watched anime
i really got out of watching it
so lately its been Houseki no Kuni
quite into it actually found a trailer randomly on youtube and decided to give anime another go
i was getting so disappointed by anime that i stopped watching it
then im gonna do my nails
here was this weeks or last weeks...i forget

tomorrow I am seeing adam as per usual on a saturday

Pain Clinic

Konbanwa~~

Ahhh still not sleeping -_____-
nemuritai!
I must have fell asleep reading my kindle as i found it on the floor this morning!
how did I not hear it fall?

anyway I got up at 8am feeling like utter crap
hate those death like mornings

I went on my laptop for a lil while trying to put songs on my new ipod
my priority is Hello! Project groups ^^
I have managed to put some stuff on but I like to make playlists and theres
where lies the time that gets eaten up!

At 11:20am I was called up by the pain clinic telling me their internet was down
did i still want to come?
well considering I had turned down work to come to them today, yes, i was still bloody coming!
anyway why the hell do they need the internet? im the focus not google 
yeesh

so I got there for my appt at 11:40am (yeah they rang just as i was leaving the house)
it was a nice place as far as therapy places go
and i was called through straight away by a middle aged woman
and i could have kissed her feet
finally a professional who knows their stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!
honestly i learned more from her in 5 minutes than I have in the last 5 years in regards to my pain so i was taking in every word. She said to me "we will get you sorted and another appointment very soon as youre too young to be left like this" oh my god! she saw me as an actual person!
i was not used to this treatment! 

I left with the information that I was going to be put into a therapy group as she said it shows to be the most effective way to treat those with my pain condition 
i am to meet with the leader of the group 5th march to talk about which group i should start out of the 'active group' and i guess the not so active group
and to find out more about this group work

she told me that my fibromylgia that ive had since november 2010 has gone on for too long. it is my nervous system sending wrong signals to the brain. its telling the brain theres pain were there is no pain and it goes through my emotional centre in the brain so it pulls on mood. but because ive had this condition so long my brain has forgotten how to turn off these pain sensors and is on high alert at all times and thus causing needless endless pain. i need to learn to turn the volume down on the pain sensor as it were. so thats what i gotta learn
as with all my conditions there is no 'quick fix' or 'cure'
she also mentioned about changing my anti-depressiant but wanted my GP to talk to my psychologist before that happened. my god health professionals talking to one another!? really!?
this therapy centre truly was the twilight zone

anyway i came home and got lunch
i tell you i have nothing but ate today
sod the world
i went for a quick walk in the hope it would wake me up instead of wanting
to drop asleep 
i went on my laptop, then did a bit of sewing then went yoga
god i wanted to fall asleep in  yoga and thats not something im used to feeling
usually im loving it or knackered but not wanting to sleep
just that shattered i guess 
going to the doctors next friday to hopefully get some sleeping tablets 

on monday i went for my second psychology session
we talked about life and the devil that seems to reside in my head
and how i communicate with it, past experiences of what its been like
yeah it all makes me feel normal -___- 
but my next appt is in 5 weeks time! so until then looks like i just gotta cope by myself!

tomorrow i have work just for the morning at a school i worked at last month
with two special needs kids
looking forward to working not looking forward to looking awake and happy for others.
but just the morning and first time i would have worked this month
woo £30 to survive off for the month!
wish i was normal and could work a normal 9-5 job

i brought some more korean make up to try its a brown mascara thats easy to remove as i have very sore and sensitive eyes from not sleeping
came with free samples!