Should I have to beg for medical help? My cousin has a bunny!

Konbanwa~~~

I didn't sleep well
man im getting fed up of writing that!
I woke up at 12:30am and felt sick, not as sick as yesterday night tho
but still sick enough to need anti-sickness tablet
and I came back to bed at 2am after cereal and hot chocolate
I read til 2:30ish and fell asleep to only keep waking up
and mum woke me at 7:45am as I had a doctors appt

I saw my useless GP
honestly he does anything but help
be different if it was his hundred kids that were sick
anyway I asked him if he had received a letter from the pain clinic as I hadnt
but he had lucky
I said it should mention about changing my antidepressant but only if it is ok
with the GP and my psychologist 
he just said to me "its fine by me" and wrote me a prescription and just like that I had
swapped an important medication to me and he hadnt even bothered to think about
the psychologist, i thought it was gonna be a weird experience for health care
professionals to actually communicate with one another
guess i was right!
Then he said I could only take these tablets if I reduced my current anti-depressiant 
i said that I was currently taking the lowest dose possible - he didnt know this
he said I would also need to reduce my pain killers, and I have I have gone from 8 a day to 2 a day- once again he didnt know this. and i was keen to point out that I had done all this work off my own back no thanks to any professional
I asked him for some sleeping tablets
he wasnt keen and asked why i needed them and i told him id only slept through the night 3 times since last April but he said to me "yes but i dont want you to get addicted"
so i played my trump card, i brought out my pocket the sleeping tablets he'd prescribed me several years ago and passed it to him i said
"you gave me those years ago, i never finished them and theyre out of date now, hows that for addiction"  he relented and prescribed me just 10 sleeping tablets (generous huh!)
i felt saying to him "if i was effing addicted would i be trying to come off medication by myself!"
he just doesnt want to help
i dont think he realises just how crap i feel every day of my life and i turn to my GP for help and relief and all he can think about is money and how he deems me not worthy of treatment
sickening
i felt like id literally had to beg for help
but none the less i came out with everything i needed
i will ween off my current antidepressiant this week then switch to my new one
it takes a month to kick in and by which time i should be seeing my psychologist so at least i guess i can tell him how its been going.

so tonight i have a sleeping tablet!!!
oh my god i have a high chance of sleeping!!!
im gonna do everything possible to promote good sleep
it will leave me with a rank taste in my mouth all day and make me drowsy in the morning
but hopefully it will be worth it
as im shattered!

after id been doctors i waited for mum to sort stuff out and i checked my emails
 turns out that all the bunny questioning my cousin has been asking me this week
has led to her getting her first pet which is a black bunbun!
very happy for her it should do her some good
im not keen on his name Revio or something like that

We set off to the other side of the city for some retail therapy mum said XD
we first went for lunch and we shared a sausage and bacon panini with a brew
then we hit the shops!
mum got everything she needed
i got:
pair of black joggers £6
thermal lined tights £3
lilac lace top  £6
cream wool cardigan £10
a kitty t-shirt £1.50
when i got home i realised that the t-shirt, which i had found in the sale part for £1.50 was actually a childrens, it fits totally fine. yeah its only for age 9....seriously -____-
mum says i have a children's body T^T

after shopping we head home and saw to the pets
i keep fussing Ozwald when ever i get the chance
I went on my laptop for a bit and ordered a few bits online
then I made mum a mother's day card as thats in a couple of weeks
luckily I already have stuff for her just needed a card
my brothers birthday on wednesday

might do a quick bit of dancing
then Ozwald sitting, then my nails and bed
god I pray i sleep please please please sleep 
this is literally like the final thing i can try

i still feel pretty good from nigel's treatment
i hope it lasts this way

tomorrow i am seeing adam i believe

He brought me this the other week and one for himself

its basically the exact same game i had on gameboy but i can play it on my 3DS
i started with Chikorita but ive barely played it as ive been wanting to finish Okamiden

Bowen Massage effects

Evening~~~

last night I ached and was fretting about the night as i was at my limit
I had cried a bit before bed time and I thought about sleeping over at adams
but i thought it was best not to do that to him
I went to bed at 9:45pm and I fell asleep pretty quickly due to exhaustion 
I still woke up tho during the night
at 2:30am i felt like I was gonna be sick which isnt normal for me
I got up and went to go get a drink and a sickness tablet
but upon getting the stuff i felt dizzy and really felt like i was gonna
chuck my guts up in the kitchen
so i went down to kitchen floor in the recovery position
anything to help me keep my guts in as i really didnt want to be sick
i was very very hot too but cold kitchen floor soothed me
eventually i was able to take the sickness tablet
and i did feel better
i was up for 2 hour, id had cereal and hot chocolate and crawled to bed

Mum woke me at 9:15am I was semi awake but just didnt want to start the day
when I did get out of bed I was surprised at how i felt
my pain had lessened loads!! I couldnt believe it
it felt like id already had my pain killers
i could feel where nigel had given me Bowel Massage yesterday

i didnt do too much this morning other than my pet sitting 
i was still very tired
I waited for mum to come home and we had lunch then went to a few shops
didnt get anything for myself it was just daily stuff 
we came back and I made myself a brew and got Oz in to sit with me on the sofa
and he shocked me by laying fully out on the sofa!
he even fell asleep!!!!! bless him

Later on I was on my laptop looking as nail ideas
i just could not decide on what to do on mine and adam's mum's nails
ive got the designs sussed now

I have also been planning what Id like to do for adam's 1 year anniversary card

Yoga was bloody tough honestly
i wont be walking tomorrow!

seeing as my body has reacted well physically and mentally to Nigel's Bowen Massage
I txted him and told him and asked if maybe I could give it another go
so he said i have to wait at least a week so im seeing him 2nd March
I have an appt with karen 1st march but I think I would rather try Nigel instead 
as i want to know if it was fluke or if theres something in this bowen massage

tomorrow I have doctors at 8:40am
i am not leaving without sleeping tablets
then me and mum are going to retail shops then for a walk at a nature reserve :D

here's an eye shadow I got in the post with 3 free samples!

Painting at 11pm

Evening~~

I was incredibly restless last night
pain was awful and I wanted to cry out my frustrations
I had an need to paint so thats what I did
I painted from 10:15pm til 10:50pm
I randomly painted a rabbit
I didnt use a pencil I just kept working with paint i was constantly mixing
i suck at painting ive never been good at it but sometimes i enjoy it and do it
so at 11pm i went downstairs to my parents to show them this

mum really liked it and dad thought it was good
my brother thought it was good and a lil weird i had done it in that moment of the night
just couldnt help myself and it distracted me from my endless pain

I went downstairs for an hour then climbed into bed at 1:30am eventually
falling asleep just after 2am to wake up at 3:30am
i dont go into a deep enough sleep im just exhausted
whats wrong with me?
im so tired

i got up at 8:15am 
i got ready to go over to Nigel's for 'Bowen massage' 
it was strange and sometimes a lil painful but i was alright
then he let me fuss his dog who is lovely and bonkers and i can see the love he has for her
i was told to drink a lot and not sit for long periods of time
i came home for a brew~

then I did odd jobs really
got ready to see adam who turned up at mine after the gym
we sat round a little bit but i was gonna fall asleep  so i decided to go out
i took him down to the river where i used to throw stones and skim stones as a kid
i started running down the bank to the river, adam watched
then i threw a stone in watching is splosh 
adam asked "what are you doing jo?"
i didnt turn to face him i just continued and luckily he passed the test
and came to join me instead of calling me childish or something
we were there a while and he could obviously throw amazingly far
his skimming skills were amazing too!

we walked to a pub for a brew and it was a proper brew too with tea leaves
i was well happy but very achy and tired
we headed to the car as it began to rain 
we got to mine and tried to round in Oz out the shed but he wasnt having any of it
from me mum and adam XD
so i got my girls out and we sat with them
when i took them home Oz decided he wanted fuss so i scooped him up
and brought him on the sofa to fuss with adam 
then i took adam and Oz home XD

since then I havent done much
been trying to think of ideas for a rabbit quilt I want to make for my wall in my room
its gonna take a lot of designing!!

god knows how my night is gonna go 
i told mum and adam i could easily have a hissy fit
and get uspet tonight as my frustrations and fatigue is bubbling over
so if that is what happens tonight i have warned all XD

tomorrow not seeing adam as he's working a longer shift
but i will entertain myself as per usual~

Losing dignity at 10am

Evening~~~

I didn't sleep too badly last night
i was in quite bad pain going to bed
so it took 3 hours to get off to sleep
which took it to about 12:30am

I didn't do too much in the morning
i had a shower and did the pet duties
and was dying of stomach ache
i have had stomach ache for 8 days now
whats up with me

i will say what did happen in the damn morning tho
my brother phoned to say that he was expecting a package from amazon
i thought "well im still going in the shower"
so I showered and got out to the sound of the door bell going
i just groaned knowing i was the only one home
I quickly grabbed a towel round me, ran to mum's bedroom and shouted out the
window to the poor postman who looked up to see sopping wet with a towel
hiding my modesty
i asked him to leave the parcel at the front door he did and didnt look at me again!
do i look that bad as a drowned rat!?
i went to go get dressed in the bathroom and the door goes again!!!
window cleaner!!
damn him so i was dressed but still with sopping wet hair i answered and paid him
and went to dry my hair
theres no dignity left with me
in the space of 10 minutes id embarrassed my self twice in front of two men
also also the parcel wasnt even for my brother it was for me!!
so i couldnt even moan to him!!!!
very annoying!

i went to make myself cheese on toast for lunch
so i grilled one side of the bread
went to put on the other side - sweetcorn, tuna, cheese, mozzarella
wait why is the mozzarella green!!!!!?
seriously it poured out the packet green (it was already pre-grated cheese)
so it ruined the entire thing and i had to start over!!

I went to meet adam at the gym he said he's been watching me reverse up
with his friend on the CCTV all i can say is, thank god i can reverse and did it first time
otherwise that would have been embarrassing

we went to his and i wanted to go out so we went to walk to his local shops
we went round charity shops and i found 2 pokemon figures i rescued
we went for ice cream then went to his for a brew and talked with his dad
then had a play fight on his bed

i came home and since then i havent done much
but i plan to hopefully do some dancing or drawing
something anyway
then watch anime with Oz

tomorrow I am seeing Nigel
he isnt giving me acupuncture tho!
hes learnt a new type of massage, but he isnt qualified in it
but would like me to be his guinea pig and i agreed cus i dont mind really
so thats at 10:30am not sure how long for tho
then seeing adam apparently

wonder what tonight will be like
some nights i ache like crazy
some im shattered
some im hyper and feel like howling at the moon XD

my nails this week~

another wasted monday

Evening all~~

And what a total waste of a day today has been
which exactly like last monday which surprised me
I just felt exhausted and mentally drained
once again I hadnt slept
I was aching like crazy in bed and I got up when my parents went to bed
i thought "sod it i will take two" instead of taking 1 pain killer
only when I had taken it did I remember I still had one left in my system from
earlier so I had overdosed a lil but I wasnt arsed
wasnt going to kill me
did make me feel off my head tho as im not used to taking 2 anymore
never mind 3 so I went to bed to conk out on there which I did
then I woke up in the night as per usual~

I havent done anything today like literally nothing
i went back to bed at 12pm
i just couldnt think my eyes felt tiny and sore
so i slept for 2 hour straight and i did feel more awake when i got up
but my body was still very sluggish
its taken til 6pm for energy to flow so i did a bit of dancing

i did some doodling today and i found an anime for me and Oz to watch later
apart from that ive done nothing
i did eat one of mum's homemade cookies
i knew i shouldnt but i wanted it as they arent that big and i hadnt eaten much 
but i actually didnt enjoy it
so i know not to bother next time  i will leave the rest for my brother to scoff XD

tomorrow I am hopefully seeing adam woo
be nice to have some company but i dont know what to do with him
i cant plan my day somehow 

i got some more korean products in the post last week
i got a lavender face cream to make under the eyes brighter - which it does ive tried it!
and i got a orange lip crayon and its proper orange!!!
both im pleased with and i got for a good price with free samples

White Lace Kitty Ears

Evening~

I didn't sleep as usual
fed up so so fed up
I actually felt poorly this morning i really didnt feel good and thought
id have to cancel antony but i knew i couldnt do that to the guy
so i sucked it up and put on my big girl panties and got ready

I walked to the pub where we were meeting
i felt so dizzy walking i think its sheer fatigue 
and i was thankful i had decided to walk not drive

I met antony and told him the pub door were shut
he showed me on facebook that it said it should have opened an hour ago
so we waited for adam
and then i said we'd walk to the cafe which thank god was open as i needed a brew
i hadnt had a morning brew

it was really lovely we sat talking and talking we all ate lunch
and he filled us in on his wedding the april
its so nice to see him so happy

we parted ways and i walked to my house with adam
we didnt stay too long as we went for a walk but i was so damn tired
adam wanted to go to a cafe and i didnt argue 
he ordered me tea and i sat down for it saying he didnt need to as he paid for me
in the morning and had just paid again for me 
he simply said "dont worry about it i could see you needed it"
"what do you mean i needed it?"
"just trust me Jo i can see you needed it"
later on he told me i look tired T^T 
i must just look like a corpse 24/
and im sick of it

we went back to adams house
and i sat talking but i was aching aching and more aching like i have all sodding day
i have felt rotten all bloody day
i walked off having enough of sitting there
and found the energy to annoy him and followed me upstairs were i was literally tortured on his bed i hate being ticklish and how easy it is for him to get a reaction out of me!!!! its infuriating!!! 
he only has to whisper something dirty/rude in my ear for me to ether make a noise or turn red or both!! and i cant do it back it doesnt work and he isnt ticklish ether
i went home for dinner i was offered dinner but was far too tired

came home and went straight to the toilet for 20mins jesus i had punishing stomach upset 
just one thing after another today
i havent done much since then just 3 emails and checked a couple of things online

I finished Houseki no Kuni last night with Oz
all i can say is that it best have a season 2 otherwise that is another sucky anime
not sure what i will watch next actually

tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
millie had gunky eyes this morning so ive booked her in at the vets for tomorrow but her eyes cleared up the rest of today so i will see in the morning whether she needs to go or not

I made white lace kitty ear clips this week from a headband i brought on ebay for 99p

Late Matlock Photos

Evening~~

I did my nails last night woo
quite like em~
I was up at 4am tho
I ended up having cereal due to the fact I needed to take pain killers
and taking them on an empty stomach aint good
so of course this means i still havent slept

So today I got up and motivated to go clean pets out
and had a shower
then I set off to adams house I hadnt txted him all morning I figured Id
just turn up and surprise him and to my surprise i found him home alone too
but we didnt stay in long as we went to go get food
we went shops for food but i ate porridge for lunch as i didnt fancy other food
i have felt sick all day

after lunch i did his mum's nails she has got clouds this week
she was happy with em
we sat round then i was getting fidgety and achy so we went upstairs
but i just wanted to sleep and he wouldnt let me sleep and im glad he didnt but it didnt stop me from the time giving him attitude about it all
then i left as he had work

i came home and went on my laptop and applied for teaching assistant jobs
did some dinner and 20mins of dancing 
tonight i plan on watching the final  2 episodes of Houseki no Kuni with Ozwald

tomorrow I am seeing a friend from school - antony
who has kindly invited me to his wedding and so i said id like to see him before that event!
were meeting at the pub at 11am but adam was on about going gym at that time
so i will give him the option of gym or antony i know full well he will come see antony with me
should be nice~
but then i dont know what to do after that 
see how the day goes i guess

ok so my matlock trip
we stayed in an old castle which was very lovely honestly i have never stayed in anything like it and we had a double bed each (they were already put next to one another) it was nice to have room on the bed for a change. the room was lovely and had a bath which i made full use of!
we were in a part of the castle by ourselves literally no one else around so we had no one else to listen to. woohoo!
the view from outside our hotel/castle

when we left the car there we walked up to 'black rock' my god it was a walk and a half i tell you but it was good to do i guess as it killed time and black rock was amazing as per usual but i totally forgot that adam doesnt like heights such the good girlfriend i am -____- so i took photos of what it looked like over the cliff for him XD its strange seeing him afraid of something 

from there we were able to check into the hotel and we rested before going to a pub called "the greyhound" and I had butternut squash risotto which was good actually

next day i drove to lumsdale falls as i LOVE that place its full of natural water falls
it gently snowed whilst we walked round which added to the magic of the place
i loved it and this was the day before my birthday

then we went to matlock for a quick look round and had lunch at 'the black cat cafe' that was a really lovely place, then we went to matlock bath were there was absoultely nothing open i know its not tourist season but jeez ghost town. luckily we found ONE cafe open and it did proper tea with tea leaves and home made cake jesus i was having a sugar fix it was bloody amazing i had chocolate orange cake adam had fudge cake
i drove back to the hotel for a rest and then for dinner we went to a pub in matlock  called 'the red lion' i had to drive there in the snow going up steep hills in the dark! scary!
the food was amazing i ate so much i had lasagna ate far too much

the next day was my 26th birthday and when i woke up next to adam
he went to go give me my birthday present and gave me loads of affection too
then we left for home 

matlock was really enjoyable - very cold - but i did enjoy it
next time we 'go away' will be april
we have our 1 year anniversary coming up and also antonys wedding in burton on trent