Evening
Im currently on 4 hours sleep
so tired....
I had yet another bad night
seriously it is relentless as of late
I played Okamiden going to bed and I defeated the boss I had sulked about
and I felt my pain coming on
there was no way id be able to sleep
so as soon as my dad came to bed I went downstairs
i did some stretching and had a hot chocolate
but didnt take any pain killers i felt pretty ok
and at 12:30am my brother came home holding a mcdonalds in his hand
he'd been over at a friends and had a couple of drinks
i didnt want to talk and wake myself up really
i came to bed at 1am and tried to for sleep
but at 2am i decided it just aint happening and i need pain killers
and i had cereal too
by 3:30am I was back in bed and fell asleep around 4ish
I woke up at 8:30am it was weird how last night ended up being very
similar to friday night
I had an easy morning of pet sitting
and then went for my pain clinic appt
i talked with a woman about my health and which therapy group id like to join
eventually we decided that the leisure group was more my thing
but it means waiting for the help like it always does
so im left alone for a few months
but it sounds good
over 6 weeks i go to sessions once a week for gym sessions and talking workshops
about how to manage pain
hopefully its worth waiting for
she told me that its a good job im trying to come off my pain killers as in the long run they have an effect in other ways on people's health which i wasnt told about but she said its the research thats happening now as the type of pain killer im on was only prescribed to people who were on death's bed so they could never see the long term effects. these days they do prescribe to people who arent going to die so they can research the damage really
i cant get off these quick enough
im a bit fed as of late
i mean every night going to bed in agony is depressing in its self
but its making me not being able to look to the future
adam and myself want to go away this year but all i can think about is how
shattered im gonna be or how much pain i will be in.
i scratch myself (my face shoulders and neck and tops of arms) when im in pain or stressed out with anxiety and cus its all been bad lately my face and skin is a state
literally i look awful and its so sore
ive worn away the skin round my bottom lip and that hurts
my eye lids are purply red were ive worn the skin away from rubbing them so much
the skin is like scaly on them so make up is outta the questions
ive got loads of red lumps on my face and everywhere i scratch
its more discomfort to put up with
im just a bit low with it all
so not only do i feel like crap i look like it also
god i cant even face tonight
i was suppose to go taras tonight but i felt like death and didnt
she was ok with it all
today i did go on my bike for the first time this year which felt
good but it was exhausting
i came back and had a brew anyway XD
mum wants a new ipod case making so i started that and cut out what must be 100 1" squares which i have now got to sew, i dont know why i give myself such tricky work to do!
tomorrow not sure whats happening i guess it depends on how dead i am
adam said that he and his parents thought i looked poorly yesterday
great
i want to go swimming but i will see
wednesday ive got work just for the morning at a local school i havent been to but it was adams old primary school! weird huh
im glad i am getting seen to by professionals this year but just everything is so slow
I got some face cream in the post today to try~
Yatcha~~
I slept pretty damn well
sleeping tablet was enough to sedate me but I still woke up
to literally turn over then went back to sleep
so it was good to not being laying in pain alone wondering when sleep will happen
This morning I got up and felt off but I kinda just
put it down to sleeping tablet and new antidepressant
I didn't do much all morning I have no idea where the morning even went to
i know 50 mins of it was spent on the phone to mia
talking about how we both have just got an invite from helina for her wedding this may
considering she booked it 18 months ago and were getting an invite less than 2 months away
we kinda feel like she feels she has to invite us
and we're only invited to the reception party
i havent seen her since april
cant say im fussed on going but seeing as the invite was to my family
dad seems to think it will be rude if we dont show for an hour
on the other side of town on a thursday night...
cheaper that way she says -______-
anyway i ate lunch then seeing as nether me or adam had made any
decisions on the day i got my pets out
i took millie and alice on my bed
to which i fell asleep...
i dont usually fall asleep with my pets
and i woke up i noticed the girls were missing
and worked out mum must have found them
turns out she had walked in and found me but i had responded! and alice even licked my face, mum thought i was awake but i dont remember any of that! strange
and i was very very annoyed i had slept in the day
i was trying not to sleep
but seems i didnt have a choice i just literally went
poor minni and alice
I had awoke to the sound of my phone ringing
adam had rang me as it 2:30 and we hadnt met up or talked about the day
i just mumbled out that i would get out of my pajamas and come up
but when i got up i felt just poorly really
and i was grumbling and moaning round my room
til my mum heard me and i had a rant at her about feeling off and having no strength or energy and my head was totally out of it i didnt feel well enough to drive
so she motivated me this talk took half hour XD
i got dressed and she and dad dropped me off at adams
i just felt dead
i didnt stay for dinner cus i was being picked up by dad at 5:45pm
so i didnt get long with adam but it was long enough as i was wiped out just from sitting around
since then i have battled finishing my dinner
and im just with an excitable bunny
but i feel like total crap
not sure if this is medication but the virus mum has been suffering with this week
shes been off work and just not well and she seems to think thats whats going off
i hope bloody not
sick of poor health
god knows how my night will go
jesus im dreading it which is why i didnt want to sleep today
tomorrow i have pain clinic at 11am then nothing all day
and seeing tara in the evening~
Evening~~
Last night was bad
literally the worst night for a while
I had gone to bed trying to sleep but found my pain just wouldnt allow it
i am in dire need of a massage or something
so I waited and waited until my dad came to bed last at 11:15pm
I went straight downstairs and had a pain killer - the one I am NOT coming off
I then found a bit of energy to do some yoga but I was exhausted
I had a hot chocolate and at 1am I went to bed
I laid there trying to sleep but it just wasnt happening
I was refusing to get up and take the pain killer i am trying to come off
but by 3am I still had not slept so I got up and took TWO of those pain killers
had some cereal, read, and just basically did everything i did not want to do
but why suffer i had suffered enough
i was weeping as i laid alone in pain
by 4am I was in bed and did fall asleep
to wake up at 8:30am so I had 4 hours sleep -____-
I got up and went to help clean pets out
I did my pet duty
and I was about to go for a walk to get out the house i had cabin fever
when adam txt me to say i could come up if i liked
so I spent 15 minutes rounding Oz up and took him to adams at 11am
he had an hour and did a massive wee on their wooden floor -____-
I brought him home
I drove me and adam to a town and we had lunch
he brought lunch and i had soup
we walked through the town and went into a few stores
it was very bleak and cold outside
i picked up the bits i needed
adam later told me that a weird guy was following us round the shops
he followed us round 3 stores well he followed ME
i didnt notice
well i noticed him when he leaned right in front of me to grab something off the shelf i was just looking at which i thought rude and gave him space but i didnt realise he staked us
weirdo glad i had adam there
we went to adams house for a brew
i did his mums nails
then we went upstairs
he offered to massage my neck and shoulders that really hurt
he had ago but i stopped him cus it hurt and i couldnt deal with anymore pain
i came home at 6pm
my family went pub so i did some dancing
then showered and my family brought back pizza
which was nice but i didnt eat it all and my brother polished off what i didnt want XD
tonight i am taking a sleeping tablet
which will make me a zombie in the morning and make everything taste rank all day
but i cant have another night like last night
its relentless
not sure what im doing tomorrow as of yet
should be seeing adam
I got this hoodie in the post today
for £6
Evening~~
I was in tremendous pain last night
everything i tried and took just wouldnt relieve it
i couldnt get into any comfy position
so in the end at 12pm i got up and went downstairs and did 20 mins
of yoga which was hard work but had to be done
had cereal and hot chocolate and went to bed at 1am
i slept alright from there it wasnt too bad
I woke up feeling like crap
and i had a slow and dull morning that i spent in pain
i went to bed for 2 hours after lunch
but i did get the 3 emails i needed to get done so that was something
in the afternoon mum very kindly dyed my hair for me
it has been wrecked since i used that different brand of hair dye
seriously it faded out to a horrible colour and was patchy as well!
it made my hair very staticy and just looked dull
so its now a reddy browny colour and shiny
it just needs a cut now~ and it should be restored
i havent done much all day
well dull day
im just exhausted and ache like crazy
i think its because ive dropped a pain killer and i always find it hard
the first few days/weeks but i will get there
im now from 8 per day to 1 a day! i can do this!
adam said he got sent home from work at lunch time in stead of working til 11pm
and has the day off tomorrow also! lucky him to have such freedom
i think he's happy about it XD
Ive been with Ozwald today
i did let him outside today as the snow is melting
we havent had any more since yesterday evening
so hopefullly we're through the worst of it!
i did however break this icicle off the shed this morning
check the bleeding size of this! i brought in doors to show my brother
he took a photo of it also and then we went to drop it out the window XD
but Oz was digging in the snow and eating the grass he found like he was fending for
himself bless him, hes left quite a few foot prints outside in the snow
Yoga was cancelled yesterday
and Nigel cancelled me today as well
snow buggers up so much its annoying
tomorrow not sure whats happening now
the snow has thrown routine outta the window
id like to see adam
but apparently we are getting more snow in the night
and if thats the case i wont be able to see him as his road is real bad in the snow
so fingers crossed we're done with the snow!
god i hope i sleep tonight
ive ached all day so i cant say im looking forward to tonight
Evening~
Snow!!! jesus the snow!
I woke up at 2am to find I could see everything so clearly in the garden
there was snow and an orange glow
i did try to take a photo but my camera wouldnt do it >.>
but this morning my god there was a lot of snow and my dad went to open the shed
let Oz out who jumped into the snowy grass and it came up to his face!
he started digging in the snow, then went for a run through it and then quickly
went back into the shed were he wasnt seen again
we've had to have the pets in a lot today
its been horrible just walking up to the shed
the agency phoned and said the school i was going to tomorrow is shut today
and tomorrow so no school for me
but at least i know what im doing
it said on the radio 200 schools in my city are shut
i have been dead all day
like a human sized slug
ive had no energy and been shattered
i went to bed at 10:30am til 12:30pm
i have achieved nothing today honestly
i have no brain power or anything
but i think its because i have worked 3 days
adam walked from work to my house ><
after me asking him NOT to
as i wasnt prepared to take him home and i didnt want him getting cold and wet
but he was being stubborn and came to see me anyway for 3 hours
then walked home
we didnt do much as i wasnt feeling good
we sat with my pets as adam is fond of them
and i was mainly lolling around on my carpet as i was and still am in a lot of pain
ive dropped another pain killer today and boy can i feel it!
i ache like crazy god knows how im gonna sleep today
adam who works at greyhound racing said theyve still made the dogs race
in this weather and one dog skidded into the railing and another fell and
broke it's leg. its wrong and cruel to make them run in these conditions
tomorrow cant imagine im gonna do a lot
i have nigel to attend to in the afternoon hope he doesnt cripple me
we might dye my hair as its a total mess
my face is a mess
im gonna do a facial massage tonight i found on youtube!
i brought some lilac blusher to have a go with~
Evening~~~~
Happy 23rd Birthday to me dearest brother~~~ yay yay
yup my lil bro turned 23 today~
I brought him a 'how to swear' book which we both think is brilliant
mum didnt regard it so highly XD
and I brought him a t-shirt
anyway last night i didnt sleep too badly
i was in bed for 9 and didnt even read my book as i was just exhausted
I woke up at 6am and got up 6:50am for school
and it was another very snowy day
luckily it stopped as i went out but 10mins into my very slow journey
the snow came down heavy and i couldnt help but wonder if i was
doing the right thing driving 50 mins across town in this weather
but i got on with it
school was alright really
the special needs child in the class has taken a shine to me
i have no idea why as i deliberately dont make much effort with her
so she doesnt become found of me but it seems to have the opposite affect!
i dont like special needs kids to like me because as soon as staff see that
the kid likes you, you get lumbered with em
and i do not know how to deal with them ><
i got to teach some english today
did some reading groups
and helped out a lot
i mean a lot
my hands were shaking come lunch time
at lunch an agency phoned about me working friday morning at a local
school ive worked at a few times before
so thats easy enough
i got home ok but my brother wasnt home yet
and i wanted to give him his presents
i went for a shower to get the smell of primary school off me
later after dinner, we had home made brownies my brother had requested
they were good but i couldnt each much of them
but my brother wants them to himself anyway as no one ever makes or buy them
we me and mum and Oz sat with him whilst he opened stuff up
and he was pleased with his stuff
he managed to go for a couple of pints at lunch during uni hours, with his friends
and hes gone to BMX night at a local indoor skate park
fair enough if he wants to spend his birthday doing that
ive just been with Oz really
caught up online with a few things but i got a few things to do on my day off tomorrow when i have more brain cells to do those jobs
im really wanting to dye my hair as it looks a total mess
last night i cut my fringe cus it was peeing me off
not sure what to do tonight ive drawn out a nail design
and i think i will just go bed early again
tomorrow i have the day off and got yoga
adam is on about seeing me but not sure yet
it was cute coming home and finding Oz's foot prints in the snow X3
Evening~~
well this morning we didn't get the snow everyone was so hyped up over
I didn't sleep well
I went to bed at 8:45pm as I was dead
I woke up at 10:30pm in absolute pain honestly it was like screaming at me
i couldnt get in any comfy position for relief
there was no relief so i got up and went downstairs for a full dose of pain killers
and i found mum's pain relief cream and rubbed it into the painful areas
i did calm down half hour later and dropped off to sleep
but woke up a lot and i have been awake since 6am
I got ready for school and seemed to have plenty of time this morning
and was even able to have a quick hold of my pets whilst they
had a trot inside
i battled the traffic to work jeez it was relentless
I got to school and the staff gave me such a warm welcome
it was really lovely actually
and i was happy id come back
and its because i dont mind going to this school that i hadnt been suffering with anxiety
as i knew it would go fine.
i had a busy day honestly days go by so quick in that class
its just hectic
i taught two sessions of maths which was easy
did a reading group
i was outside a fair bit and got very cold
ive just done so much today
i got home fine and i was shattered when i got in
i ache already so im dreading tonight as i know i am gonna hurt
well i probably am gonna hurt i hope i dont cus jeez its awful
i havent done much since i got in
been with my pets mainly
to tired to think!
im at the same school tomorrow so should be ok
it could snow again so we shall see what tomorrow brings
Oz has been desperate for his muesli treats today
mum usually rounds him up into his cage for me as he doesnt obey me
and she usually does it with muesli and today when she walked into the shed
Oz saw her and jumped straight into his cage mum didnt even have to ask him!!!!
so unfair!!!!!! so he was going mad in his cage for this muesli
and mum was getting it but obviously not quick enough as he accidentally tipped
his food dish over by stepping in it all -____-
i do feed him i promise
mum later brought a packet into my room and I had Oz in my room
he was begging her thinking she had the muesli packet -______-
what am i gonna do with him
I found a photo of me with fresh purple hair
its about all out now and not sure what colour to go next
ive got mahogany but not sure if it will look right on me
