Evening~
Me and mum ache after yoga
can always tell when Karen is teaching -____- shes the devil
Anyway last night I was aching a hell of a lot
I didn't know what to do with myself
my mood had hit a low as well
I found myself falling into a dark place and not caring whether
I came back from it or not. I had some dark thoughts
thoughts I came close to acting out by myself in the middle of the night
but I didn't
Im getting to my wits end with life
no one helps and there is no relief and it goes on and on
day in day out 24 hours a day
Today I got up and I had missed the pig shift
so I fussed Oz as the girls were enjoying their salad
I checked how my ebay crap was progressing and quite a few things have bids on
so hopefully it will be worth the effort of doing it
I started packing stuff for the wedding tomorrow
my brother has gone to Doncaster for 2 nights to begin his drone license
hes brave doing all that by himself
he wanted my satnav but i need it for tomorrow
dad gave my car a once over and mum ironed my dress for me ^^
Adam said he'd wear the tie
i told him Id lost interest and ive tried to help, he's old enough to make his
own decisions and that its a show of respect to go smart to a wedding
he asked if i was gonna finish with him!!
i couldnt believe he'd thought that!
i told him "no i hadnt even thought of that and how lam would it be if we finished
over you being too stubborn to wear a tie, it wouldnt make our relationship look strong"
i hadnt thought of getting rid of him. it was nothing really
but i could tell that thought had been on his mind all night and im not sure if his dad
had been winding him up about it
adam didnt want the job he trialled for, said he'd get bored and it would be a pain working 6 days a week 5 hours each time. he'd rather work longer hours and have another day off in the week.
whatever he wants to do
i havent left the house today
im so tired mentally and physically
im just so drained but i know i wont sleep
it makes no odds how tired i am how drained i am i still cant sleep
here is what adam brought me the other week he gave it to me this week when it
arrived from japan
Mimikyu! gotta love mimikyu :D its from Japan's Pokemon Centre
Anyway tomorrow~
I am picking adam up at 12:15 and we are heading to the hotel in Burton-on-trent
which is over an hour away but looks a straight forward run.
from there we have less than an hour to get dressed into our finery and head down to the church
were we will watch our friend antony marry the woman of his dreams then we have the reception to attend straight after to which we have to take part in a barn dance. Not sure when I will be back at the hotel but I know I will be ready for bed. Its gonna take a lot out of me but I will enjoy it.
I will be home midday on Sunday!
Evening~
i didn't sleep but whats new
this just seems to be the way my life goes
and its wearing thin, im so tired all the damn time
to the point were im just nodding off a lot or feeling faint
I still asked for mum to wake me this morning tho
she seemed a bit better about pinks
I had an easy morning then set off the city centre when i was ready kinda thing
the whole thing was a massive effort i couldnt be doing with it but knew i needed
some gloves for this wedding and a tie for adam and a box for the cake
so I went round the shops by myself
i tried quite a few shops for gloves and no wear sold anything remotely glove like
i will tell you what they did sell tho
endless summer crap!! its sodding april! and we dont even get the weather for shorts
and bikinis! endless biknins!!
very very annoying I have to say
so I went into a store that isnt cheap and I looked at the 50+ ties they had for sale
and thinking what would suit adam best and picked him up a tie for £8
it was a slatey blue colour and plain I quite liked it
I walked to another store for a cake box and got that sorted
upon walking to my car adam was walking to my car also!
you couldnt have got more perfect timing I was well happy
so I gave him a lift home
I had txt him the night before saying I could drive him home and he wouldnt need to spend
any time with me
but today i was kinda expecting him to say "want to come in for a brew?"
but nothing
I told him when he got out the car that the cake box was in the boot he got it out
and saw there was a tie in the box
i said "i expect you to wear it saturday, see ya!" and i drove off
cus why hang around he didnt want me anyway
i got home and was doing myself some lunch
and he rang me up saying "whats this? why have you brought me a tie? i have 2 ties"
i said "cus yours are old fashioned and i dont like them"
he said "so these a new fashioned are they" being proper arsy with me
so we had a bit of a tiff on the phone over a stupid tie
i said "if i knew it was gonna cause this much of a problem i wouldnt have bothered"
i was hurt as i was shattered but went out my way to do that for him as left to him he'd look scruffy for the wedding, and its a wedding youve got to look presentable its only respectful
he said thanks and asked if i was mad at him i told him i wasnt and said i wanted my lunch
i put the phone down and started my lunch but i was too churned up and threw it in the bin
i went to bed as i knew i was gonna take my suppressed anger on someone
he had left me messages whilst i was asleep saying he was sorry
i forgave him i just wish he wouldnt be so damn stubborn
saying he refuses to wear it and i said "i will make you walk to the wedding" he said "i wont come to the wedding then" just an arse. but i forgave. i was good cus i could have had it out with him
but i couldnt see the point just cus he was being stubborn over a tie
anyone would think i was asking him to wear a pink bloody dress!
he had another trial shift tonight so maybe hes a bit stressed about all that
or maybe hes just a jerk who has gotta make it up to me
ive been quiet and tired since all that
and wrote down stuff i need for the wedding
it looks to be 70mins away anyway
Oz made me jump this morning, he had obviously slipped in when i took the girls home
gone through the kitchen, hall and up the stairs and into my room as i found him in the corner
of my room i about had a heart attack wondering what the noise was
crafty git
tomorrow i havent got any think planned other than sorting stuff out for wedding
just so damn tired but i know i wont sleep i never sleep on a yoga night
im too wired to calm down before bed
i got these in the post this week
some facial scrub and eye shadow thats got minerals and vitamins in so should
be more gentle on my eyes
Evening~~
I didn't sleep well
I went to bed at 10pm woke up at 2:45am which is good for me!
I was asleep for more than 2 hours! still had to get up tho -______-
it felt kinda strange and lonely without listening to my lady bull pulling
at her straw or eating her nuggets in the night as every time i get up
i would check on her and seeing the cage empty still hadnt fully sunk in
Mum said when she woke up she woke up crying in bed
i knew it would hit mum hard
i forgot to mention yesterday that when i slept at adams i had dreamed that
pinks had died... I had totally forgotten that til adam mentioned it to me today
that i had said to him yesterday morning when i had mum's txt message about pinks bleeding
that id had a dream she died. that is weird huh
guess its been on the mind
Today I didnt do much in the morning other than have my eye lashes tinted
i havent had it done for a long time and this time
it stung!!! oh my god the pain
forget getting shampoo in your eye this was a whole new level of eye stinging
and ive had years worth of hay fever
i thought she'd got the dye in my eye! she said she hadnt it must be because my
skin was so sensitive
it was fine going on but when she came to removing the excess i about jumped off the couch
i didnt know what to do, your gut says "rub eyes to death now now now" your head says "let the lady help remove the rest" i did lay down and dealt with the pain as im good with pain
all day my eye lids have been very sore almost a dry feeling
i have done my best not to touch them
after lunch i went to adams for 2 hours we didnt do much just laid on his bed
he gave me a belated gift of a Mimikyu plush keychain from Japan
so cute its next to my bed so i can see it ^^
we sat watching animal videos and talked then i went home as he was having a trial
shift at a pub which seems to have gone alright for him
I got home and went to bed
im so damn tired and lethargic all the time and sometimes i just think "sod it" and go to bed
i had 2 hours and felt i could have stayed there longer if it wasnt for mum waking me
she had to come back and wake me a 2nd time XD
tonight I have been listing crap on ebay
didnt take long to list as i had prepared it all earlier in the week
hopefully it will budge some stuff
also on ebay
i ordered a tomb stone i found
its a guinea pig one you can have engraved
and i showed it mum and she wanted it
we didnt give lily a tomb stone when she passed, thinking pinks wouldnt survive long without her sister but almost 2 years down the line we still had pinks and no tomb stone so we decided to get a good one seeing as lily has been waiting for so long. I will photograph it when it's done.
I brought some facial conditioner never used such a product but its highly rated from japan
and an eye liner from japan also
tomorrow i am going to the city centre for the 3rd time in one sodding week
basically i have this wedding on saturday to go to
and i knew we had barn dancing to do what i didnt know was what barn dancing entailed
that i would have to touch strangers, strangers that would be men
thats like my worst nightmare so i want gloves
and i cant go in plastic gloves ive gotta get something presentable
wish id known earlier as i could have brought them ages ago!
i need a plate for the cake to sit on too
and adam showed me his shift he is wearing and i made him change it to a white one but his choice of 2 ties suck, and he thinks hes getting away with not wearing one, hes wrong there. so without him knowing im gonna buy him a better tie as well tomorrow. ball ache i gotta go shopping again
and then i have yoga in the evening~
my girls the other day
these 2 seem quite happy together i think theyre both happy for a play mate
Evening
Today we lost a much beloved member of our family
Our Pinks
A.k.a. Miss Bull, Lady Bull, Black Bull, Attitude
Basically what happened is as followed
I woke up at adam's today I went to check my phone at 8am
to find a txt message from mum saying Pinks was bleeding. a lot
I felt sickened as this was not the message I thought Id be waking up to
I got home for 9:45am and checked her, well I didn't need to check her as it
was clear from her cage that she was bleeding
a lot of red sawdust...
we got her out and mum asked if id help bath her bottom - mum had already
done this in the morning by herself
and the smell. yeesh it was not pretty
it was like blood but gone off blood
so I bathed her and said to mum "i think she needs the vets I cant let her be like this
all evening and night" so I made the phone call
Pinks is very much mum's baby so I know she was feeling very sensitive
I got her in at 5:30pm
Pinks had had bleeding issues before around the age of 3
we had taken her to the vets as its very alarming to see your pet bleed
and we were given anti-inflammatory medicine for her
which did calm it down
from there i think she had it once a month every month for almost a year then she bled for a few days once every 6-12 months. But seeing today was the most blood shes ever lost in just 1 day. and it smelt, almost like it was off
We fussed her during the day and spoiled her as I think we knew what was coming
the last couple of weeks have really caught up with her I knew she was on her last legs
and whats been worrying me is that, her belly is big but her body isnt it
like all the weight is going on her stomach, why is that?
i had this sickening feeling something was growing in her stomach
i mentioned it to my brother and adam but not mum so not to worry her
When the vet appt came she was still bleeding
i drove us down and i felt sorry for mum as i knew how hard she would take this
we knew pinks was unable to have any treatment shes old and not strong
so I did all the talking. The vet felt her stomach and could confirm my fears
that she had in fact got a growth growing. He said left untreated she could
possibly bleed to death over night.
I wondered if thats why the blood smelt bad, maybe she was bleeding internally?
We wouldnt see her suffer
and as sudden as it was, we knew it was on the cards so to speak.
we said our goodbyes to her and let her be kindly put to sleep
it was the kindest thing as shes had such a brilliant life and we have spoiled her rotten
in her last few months, why should her final days be hell?
we brought her back with us to be buried with her sister
of course me and mum had both cried but i was trying to keep it together
for mum's sake really. Dad buried her for us
and that was it, our beloved Pinks had left us.
If she could have held on til saturday she would have made it to 7 years of age!!
bless her she was an amazing Pig, full of character honestly
a pig that was never that fussed on food and would rather throw her body weight against stuff and get up to no good. she was very loved.
I will share some memories of my lady bull and her sister Lily who we lost the other year
she was truly special and will be very missed
especially by mum she adored that piglet
we're down to 3 pigs once again
we're keeping her cage and stuff just in case any need a home!
We will always love you Pinks
rest in peace
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Evening~
I had a cruddy night
theres a shock
I was up til 2am then read in bed til 3am
I got 5 hours of fitful sleep
I was shattered this morning with bags under my eyes
but I got on with the day
Me and mum were going to a sound bath at 10:30am
it was arranged by Nigel there would be 12 of us and it was just
down the road from where adam lives so it wasnt far to go
we arrived on time and watched the lady set my god she had A LOT
of stuff well instruments really
I still wasnt sure what I had signed up for
i was in a room full of strangers to lay down and listen to instruments for 90mins
which sounds relaxing doesnt it
but when she starting telling us we could feel different sensations and stuff and
that would we literally resonate with the music as we are 70% water in our bodies
and sound travels through water really well
I had no idea what to expect but i was fine about it, its only sound after all isnt it
i could tell mum was apprehensive and anxious
I told her "its just like being at the cinema"
the lady gave a demonstration of her 3 gongs like those huge chinese ones you see on TV
my god the noise!!! seriously!! It is very impressive
and I could see mum getting tense but I told her if she needs to leave then so be it
as for me I settled down
We had an hour of listening to sounds of gongs, glass dishes, bells
it was certainly an experience and one id go to again
my only discomfort was back ache on the floor and it made me shiver like as if i
was cold but i could feel my body heat within the blanket
she said it could alter temperture
i had to turn on my side for a minute and curl up into a ball to get some heat i was freezing
but a weird type of freezing, one were you dont get numb and tingly just cold
it was a very quick hour i have to say!
afterwards she asked the group if we saw colours or felt anything
i stayed quiet simply because i was not gonna stand out of the group
as only two people managed to see one colour
me on the other hand...
i saw a serpent dragon standing tall on a black sea with a deep purple sky
then i saw a shamen in front of a sunset
she actually turned to me and mum and asked our experiences and i thought
'well she asked' so i told her and she was impressed with me and loves hearing what
people get out of it. yup i stood out of the group but i stood out anyway for being at least
25 years younger than everyone XD
we came home and i was starving and worn out
apparently it can make you feel very energised or quite tired
and both me and mum are tired! but what i did learn was that
I might sleep really well tonight!
I am certainly hoping so!!!
I had some lunch and asked adam how his job interview went
and he said it went well and he has 2 trial shifts this week
it will do him some good
his mum is getting her hair restyled and coloured today so i cant wait to
see the result as its my hairdresser doing it!
I sat and did some painting which ended up being very very different to
what i had originally drawn out but i like it better
the paint is very thick so will take some drying!
i helped a little bit clearing the shed out as my pets are out the shed now
Oz was round everyones feet thinking it was great that everything was moving in the shed
and it was more to discover hes a scamp
I put my pokemon canvas in the roof by myself
i designed adam's mums nails
mine I did last night
turned out ok considering how random the design is XD
then I wrote up all my ebay stuff so its all ready for wednesday now~
Tomorrow I am seeing adam but I have no clue as of yet what we are doing
he says he doesnt want to do much but i would like to do something with my sunday
its a week today we both go to antonys wedding any my brother takes his drone test!
Konbanwa~~
Last night I dosed myself up on herbal relaxants and
a sleeping tablet at 9pm and was in bed for 9:15pm
I woke once to adjust my blanket but apart from that I bloody slept!
I slept!! my god its a real privilege to be able to stay in my bed all night
and the night went so fast as well! I forget what a 'normal' night's sleep
feels like to have!
Upon waking up this morning i felt like I could have slept through til lunch
But I got up at 8am and went for a shower to wake myself up
got ready to see mia
my girls had been fine as well ^^
Mia picked me up at 9:45am
she always looks pretty
we went to the city centre and did her bank business then shopped
but didnt shop OTT like she usually does
I picked up more hot chocolate and a birthday card for dad
usually I make my cards but he doesnt appreciate home made stuff so I dont
waste my time and effort and simply buy him one
we went to lunch in Cafe nero cus she likes that place
I had pasta and she had a panini
and we shared a piece of banana cake but i didnt enjoy it so i let
her eat the majority of it
then we set off for the car
I felt like I wanted to look round more places but I was tired and knew she had stuff
to this afternoon
she came over to my house and I showed her the canvas I had painted
she really liked it
it's Pokemon Crystal Battle scene (2001) I think it looks alright
its on a canvas 18"x18"
she stayed for a brew and then headed off food shopping
I felt drained I seriously felt knocked out and achy
I crawled up on my bed knowing i shouldnt but all well
I fell asleep for an hour could have had longer
I got up and edited the photos for ebay
just got to write up the details then its sorted ready for wednesday woo
I need to do my nails tonight but so far I dont have any inspiration for them
tomorrow I am going with Mum to a Sound Bath that Nigel
has organised there will be 12 other people there and its for like an hour and a half
I have never experienced such a thing but Nigel recommended it to me
not seeing adam hes got a job interview and doesnt want to see me XD
Konbanwa~~~
Well last night my 3 girls shared a hutch
we made sure there was plenty of hay practically everywhere
in case one was left out or something
but I had feeling they'd be fine
My night sucked big time honestly
I was up at 11:30 aching and took 2 pain killers
did some dance and yoga and played pokemon then went to bed at 1am
not wanting a late night
by 1:45am I was up taking 2 more pain killers I was in agony
it was like screaming at me I didnt know what to do with myself
I went to bed at 2:30am and fell asleep but woke up a few times cold
When I woke this morning I had fallen asleep in my dressing gown under a blanket
safe to say my body was wet with sweat
I was pale, clammy and had bags under my eyes
mum said I looked like id been smoking weed in the night
she said i looked like a drug addict and I imagine i probably did!
i had technically overdosed in the night
I felt rough but got on with my morning
I sat with my 3 girls who were all fine, no one had cuts or chewed ears
just look at em
I took a photo of them today
alice always looks peed off in every photo you take of her XD
I took a load of photos for ebay
that took me a while and I photographed my pokemon canvas which will hopefully
be up on tomorrows diary
I had lunch with mummy and we sat outside having a brew watching the girls eat grass
we went for a walk near the river then came home
i was sorted a few things out on my laptop
i brought a new skirt reduced from £35 to £10! its Bodyline so its fantastic quality
Later I painted the base of a canvas for my next art instalment
i tried to draw out nail art for this week but wasnt feeling it
adam came over and i was on my sewing machine fixing a couple of things that had holes
he was a total git saying i had a hole in my leggings and i went to grab my butt
saying "where!?" he just laughed. idiot.
he stayed for a couple of hours and we had a brew outside but Oz didnt join us like he joined me and mum earlier. he was on paint bucket
well this weekend they maybe coming out the shed so he will have to part with the paint bucket
we booked bowling and pub for monday night! woohoo!
me and mum dropped him off and went to yoga
the woman who made sexual noises was there again this week
we were laughing and dreading it
but she never made a sound....strange
not complaining tho!
i got very cold in yoga which i dont usually but i lost feeling in my nose and toes!
tomorrow Mia has asked me if I want to go to the city centre with her
she needs to do something in her bank and then she can shop
we are gonna have lunch together
should be nice~
im gonna take a sleeping tablet tonight
which means everything will taste fowl tomorrow and i will be a lil drowsy
but mia is driving so im covered there
i just cant do another long night alone. i cant. i will break.
