pizza twice and added a moon

Evening~

I didn't sleep too bad and I got off pretty easily
I had eaten take away pizza with my family and my stomach and mind were set off
so I thought it was going to be a very different night.
Regret eating pizza but really I didnt eat that much of it

Today I woke up not knowing what the day would bring
I hadnt texted adam last night
and only by 10:30am did I decide to text him
I knew I wanted to see him but something inside me is wanting to push people away
especially those who are very close to me
Adam said he'd only just woke up but i could come up any time
so I got ready
I was up at his for 11:30am - took my time XD

He asked if i wanted to go anywhere and I said I didnt
I said I was happy here for a lil while 
then he decided he was gonna go shops for lunch so I got my shoes on and went with him
I didnt want to eat but got conned into it as when we got to the shops he said
"sod it were eating out" I pouted XD
he ordered a pizza type thing to share so that i could eat as little or as much as I wanted
I ate a bit but I havent been hungry lately

we went back to his and he asked if i wanted to talk upstairs
so I went upstairs with him
he asked about my appointments this week and I said I didnt want to talk about it
we talked about different things as he gave me affection, during which I felt nothing
just nothing, a true absence of feeling when I know there should be something
i feel almost robotic and soulless at times 
still i carried on as i didnt want to upset him 
that was until i just switched off
i describe it as being thrown to the bottom of a well
its lonely with just your thoughts to keep you company, you want out, but cant think how to even go about getting out of this dark lonely pit.
Adam noticed I had gone quiet and scratching myself
i scratch my arms when im 'stressed' or 'anxious' theyre getting in a bit of a state but im trying to heal them for when i go away this month
he asked what was wrong i told him i was fine
he went to make me a tea
he offered for me to stay for dinner but i told him no as i know im worse in the evenings

i decided to try and snap outta it
i needed out of the clothes i was in (weird to say in someone else's bedroom!) 
i thought we could walk to the park from my house so I could get changed, he could see Oz and we could book train tickets too
so thats what we did
and during the walk he told me to tell him about the appointments as he needs to understand and me not telling him is shutting him out and pushing him away
he's right
but i hate banging on about myself
i never want to look like im trying to get attention or enjoying the way i was
he kept pulling me back as he says i walk fast when in mid rant XD

we came back to my house sweating as it was so hot
and then booked train tickets
its official we are going Sheffield this 15th

then I went to his house to paint his mum's nails
shes got birthday themed nails as its her birthday on friday
shes invited me to come with them on thursday for a meal

i came home and i havent been too bad
did a bit of painting
decided i wanted to add a moon to the picture so ive painted the first coat of that
drawn the lines in pencil on the crane ready to paint tomorrow 

tomorrow just got karen for a massage at 1pm which i should
have had on thursday

in two minds whether or not to go for a run tonight its 8:15pm
last night i went for a run and my brother bumped into me and it made it easier having
him keep a pace with me 
but i can do it alone and it does help my head in the evening
just cant always be bothered to start but once im started im fine 

The last pain killer

Konbanwa

I didn't sleep well
hay fever 
then I was waking up every 2 hours for no real reason
me and mum got up at 7am to do park run
we had break fast, put guineas out
and by 7:30am it hammered it down
really bad rain
so we didnt go park run I was disappointed
but at the same time a lil relieved as I just couldnt breathe
humidity makes my hay fever so so much worse so does the rain for that matter
its been humid for 4 days now
been hell
I went back to bed I couldnt face the world

I got up at 10am
in a mood
just stuff isnt balanced in my head right now
i feel a bit helpless and not in control since my crappy appointment yesterday
im sure the psychologist thinks i make this stuff up
he doesnt take me seriously and gets pleasure out of getting a reaction out of me
hate going

I got up and I did a lil dancing but it was so damn hot and humid i gave up and showered
then I painted, i outlined the Kitsune (fox) 

I came back to painting later on in the day and did a design in the red cloud

after lunch I did a lil dancing as the humidity was trying to clear
mooched round a bit reading and just being in my own bubble

Then I got up and I couldnt be bothered to but knew I had to
I went for a run, I ran up a hill to be greeted by my brother on his BMX putting his middle finger up at me - both hands whilst riding XD
he decided to cycle along side me whilst I ran, having him there made it easier 
I came back and had a much needed shower
hate showering twice a day but i hate feeling dirty and sweaty more

Tomorrow not sure what I am doing as of yet
not really spoken to adam
not really wanted to

Last night I decided I'd come off my final pain killer
Pregabalin
I have officially been able to ditch Tramadol which is an amazing feeling
ive come off my antidepressiants
and now I feel its ready to let go of my final restraint 
i take 2 Pregabalin tablets a day so it shouldnt be too hard

Not really getting anywhere with mentalness

Evening

My evening was full of hay fever jesus was it bad
I was up watching tv with my parents as it wasnt like I could
read or fall asleep like that
dad put on 'league of gentlemen' a series ive heard of but never seen
ive seen the actors in other freaky things but that series took the biscuit
seriously messed up stuff that got plenty of reactions out of me XD

I eventually slept and got up early
and woke up with hay fever lovely hay fever to remind me its still there

My morning consisted of painted and mia
i went over to see her for 90mins which was nice
i told her a few bits like id booked my holiday and how im unsure on a...
bikini...such a controversial word in my books
i have never worn one
but standing next to a cool pool in my nunary one piece complete with shorts 
doesnt seem right...
mia said she will help with that when we go manchester next month
nice to have some help on a situation I am clueless about!

I came home and had some lunch
then went to psychology 
which was total and utter waste of time
i was losing focus i was getting so bored and fed up with that man's antics
he totally dismissed wednesday's diagnosis and i think its because hes so egotistical that the reason he dismissed it was because HE hadnt diagnosed it.
He did nothing to help
it was so useless and i came away annoyed and feeling quite helpless
im not seeing him now til 29th June...
Im thinking of when I next go to ask if I can see someone else cus this guy is winding me up

I came away and went for a walk  with mum
we went for ice cream
i tried to relax into it but i wasnt feeling right and hay fever was high

i got home and i painted again
went briefly on my laptop
and i havent done much else since really

tomorrow got another 5k to do at the park run
think ive got to drive this week as dad is robbing mum's car
i hope my legs arent like jelly afterwards!

im in a total mood right now
not happy with life
not sure how to rectify this mood issue

3rd coat

Evening yo!

I didn't sleep too badly
I did wake up at 7:30 with hayfever
i went to bed with sodding hay fever

My morning consisted of me spending time with the tissue box
until the spell had passed I sat and painted
added the 3rd coat of paint to the clouds and fox
then later on I drew in the details on the fox so I could start painting them

think its gonna look awesome when its finally finished which will 2021 XD
I am enjoying doing it

Later on in the morning I went in the car 
then I got out and jogged back to the house which felt good


I didnt have Karen today as she was poorly
so I had the afternoon free

I fell asleep for an hour as i was mentally exhausted
mind is too busy far too busy 

I designed adams mum's nails as i realised its her birthday during her next
set of nail art so she can have birthday nail X3

cant really remember what else i did today
my memory has been shocking as of late

tomorrow seeing mia at 11am then I have psychology at 1:30pm
to talk treatment plans

A diagnosis? A Holiday!

Konbanwa

I slept pretty well last night
I got ready to see adam this morning
felt a little weird not being able to txt him as last night
his phone wouldnt charge and there for died, he texted me using his mummy's phone
I did a bit of dancing before I went out, got really sweaty in just 15mins! Effort!

So I got to his for 11am
we went out into a town and dropped his phone off for repair
we then went into a travel agents 
where we were there for agessssss
the woman who saw to us was brilliant she wasnt a hard sell and gave us her
opinion and help
we sat looked at places and places until we decided on
Tenerife, for 17th October for a week!
We are staying in a lovely resort that has a water park 30min walk away!
It ticked a lot of boxes and we just got it booked
Adam paid the deposit for us
then we went to lunch, lunch i was wondering whether id be able to keep it down or not
i was nervous, anxious, feel sick. Just cus booking something this big is a bit of a shock to my system i have to say! Adam said I was curled in a ball on my seat in the travel agent he said i was tense when i came out too ><

We went back to his house and told his dad
and I didnt have too long with him really because I had psychiatrist to go and see
I saw mum's friend who works there too, I was embarrassed tho
The guy who saw me was helpful and got me to explain whats going off even tho he had my notes from  my psychologist 
I told him and went through a few things
he seemed pretty certain that he had a diagnosis for me
which surprised me as my psychologist didnt even seem to know whats going off
he thinks I have DID Dissociative Identity Disorder 
which was formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder 
I had heard of it, I mean I think a lot of us have heard of Multiple personality disorder 
he said there isnt a cure (theres never a cure for anything i have/get!) he said I could try medication but nothing is out there that will cure it or even have an effect and they come with heavy side effects too, I told him I was loathe to try any medication. He said he will talk to my psychologist to talk about further treatment that will probably end up being talking sessions and after that fails apply  for funding to go see a specialist. 
It's kinda rare but there could be just as many people with DID as there is schizophrenia or Bipolar but not many people come forward and ask for help who have DID do to them feeling embarrassed and ashamed which I felt once I had been 'labeled' 
So on friday im due to see the psychologist 
see what happens from there

I came home and told mum and asked her if she felt ashamed or anything of me
she told me she didnt and that she feels sorry for me having it
I then texted adam about it 
im not sure who I want to know. It sounds crazy
I dont want people to treat me differently or think me crazy.
still digesting it. I cant bare to tell any other family about it.
dad wont care and my brother i dont want him to feel he has a crazy sister. 

Tomorrow I have karen and then maybe yoga
see how i feel

Card  I made for my cousin who will be 20 soon!

Canvas Start

Evening~~

I didn't sleep too bad
when I got up I decided that Id wait for everyone to leave at 9am
and did some dancing, I didnt get that far with it all but still 40 mins of dancing
I was sweating and found it difficult
I had a quick tidy up and went had a much needed shower

Afterwards I cracked open the paints and did another coat
its looking better i believe
then I left that drying and went to make 2 birthday cards 
one for my cousin one for adam's mum
made myself lunch

then I sat on my laptop for a lil while
adam rang at 2:30pm to say he'd finished work and if i wanted to see him
even tho id only be seeing him for an hour and he usually moans about seeing him
just for an hour and not to bother, and he didnt want to meet up today the other day
so I said "i cant win with you" but its me being difficult XD
He said he needed an hour
so I went for a walk with mum for 45mins

Got back to the house and went over to adams
i had a good time and messed around
im always getting up to no good
his parents said it was good to see me peppy compared to the other day when i left their house in one of the moods that keeps happening

I left there at 5:30 even tho i arrived at 3:45pm id still enjoyed myself
i got home and had dinner and mum had made cookies also
ive got awful stomach ache now for some reason
did this yesterday actually

tomorrow might go for a run in the morning then see adam in the afternoon
and may book our holiday...
Ive also got at 3:30pm my first psychiatrist session

I took a photo yesterday of the start I made on my canvas

Started Painting!

Konbanwa~~

I didn't sleep too badly
but I didnt actually get up til 9:45am
I guess I must have needed the sleep

I went for a run this morning
wasnt as satisfying as park run but it still was good to do
came back and showered
then I drew out my painting which took a while

i ran through a few dances cus i felt like doing it
I went and painted a few things on the canvas, everything will need
a second coat it would seem
but I am awfully impressed with the paints, theyre so thick and just have a lot
more pigmentation in them compared to what i have been used to
here's what I picked up yesterday for £41

The paints come on their own box that has 4 trays in to keep them all neat
which I was amazed at i didnt expect the packaging to be such high quality

I applied to the two school jobs
didnt take too much time luckily. I can have a go anyway
doesnt hurt to try and apply to jobs
I made myself cheese on toast for dinner cus its what I wanted

Tomorrow I havent got any plans
adam is working and says he will see me wednesday
so it looks like I can paint ^^ and do as I please
so i might go for another run
maybe see mia if she can be bothered to return a text message -____-
and do whatever else i please~