Went swimming with mummy

Evening~

I managed a run last night
I swear im running like every bloody day just so I can sleep
its relentless and I almost go on auto pilot
I managed to fall asleep pretty fast i was tired
then I woke up at 11:30pm, why? I have no idea
like woke up and was ready to start something
luckily i hit the pillow and fell asleep
to wake up at 4am which i have been doing lately as its when hay fever likes to wake me up
so end up waking up periodically from then blowing my nose
cus i cant breathe
i hate it

I got up and me and mum decided we'd go swimming
we were thinking of ice skating but public skate wasnt til 1:15pm
and we couldnt be bothered to go into the city for that time
swimming it was
swimming was very hard work i have to say
and me and mum's skin was itching
what chemicals were in that pool i dont want to know
but its not usually like that
we couldnt wait to come out
we sat in the jacuzzi for a few mins which was nice
we came home and had beans on toast

from there which was 1pm i stayed in bed til 4pm
i felt like crap
my body felt like it weighed 10x as much and that i couldnt move
i couldnt feel i just laid
in the end something snapped and i got up and carried on
what that was about i dont know
just felt like i needed to block the world out

I got up and went on my laptop checked my messages then made
myself pasta for dinner
since then i have been practising my dancing
i am still dancing but ive found it so difficult as of late to concentrate on it
and i want to do a good job and enjoy not just do it

not sure if i will run tonight
id like to get away with not having to run but i need a shower anyway
be nice if i could just dance
fingers crossed just dance

tomorrow going into the city centre with adam
were paying off the rest of the holiday and doing any shopping we want
seeing as we both havent got work we might as well do this ball ache of a task

I got this in the post as I wanted to try the brand out, this is eye shadow
I havent used it yet

but came with some awesome freebies

Turns out 0.1 of a second makes a difference!

Evening

I barely slept
My mind was way too busy
much too busy
we had 'Detonate' festival happening 4.2 miles from
out house. We could hear it very clearly
and then they had fire works...
just when that died down a owl decided to have its own festival outside my window
I was suffering with hay fever
all in all crap night

I got up this morning at 8:30am
not knowing what I was gonna do today
didnt even know what I felt like doing
in the end I whipped out my labels i cut from clothing
i had a good pile building up and decided to stitch them together
making 5 panels then added that row of 5 to the rest of it

its getting big! bigger than A3 now for sure

Adam said to come see him after lunch
so I did
one little thing was that I was in a 'mood' last night before bed and it felt like
it had continued into today
usually a run breaks that funk but because i had ran in the morning not the evening
it didnt seem to have the effect it usually has
so I was in a mood
he could tell
dont think i spoke that much to him
didnt know what i wanted to do
so in the end he got up and told me were going for a walk 
and we did but it didnt snap me out of it

we went back to his
i showed his parents my canvas and they thought it was amazing
his dad asked me what time i managed yesterday and i said "31:53"
he didnt believe me
god knows why cus i dont lie
so adam got up times and confirmed it
then adams dad said "think ive done that park run in a similar time"
adam got up times and eventually found his dad's time
31:54....0.1 slower than me...
his mum was well elated at that and high fived me XD
i didnt make a fuss of it but i couldnt believe that i had technically beat him
i think he feels game is on now

me and adam went upstairs as id left a hair bow in his room from friday night
i told him i could find it but he came up anyway
not hard to find something pink and shiny in his room XD
he wanted to talk to me
but i still wouldnt open up and tell him
he started to shower me with affection but i wasnt feeling any of it
literally even today when hes touched my skin, i get the sensation that theres something on my skin but its so muted. So to have him giving me his kisses and attention just felt distant 
i couldnt give it back i just couldnt
i could tell this was all starting to frustrate him a little
he wasnt getting mad or anything but i could tell
me keeping shut out, pushing him away, giving no love to him
its bound to grate isnt it

he said "youve got to learn to loosen up a bit"
i said numbly "i know"
he said "you are allowed to have fun and enjoy yourself"
i said "i know"
he said "you never let go"
everything was becoming too much to cope with
my head was screaming at me
adam was on at me
he was giving me affection i couldnt feel
i could feel deep down inside i was crying, i was sad
and i was willing it to come to the surface just so id feel Something
sick of being numb to the world these last few weeks, months even
eventually i did start to cry but the emotions that usually flow with tears were halved 
he backed away and was instantly concerned with my out burst
i talked to him as i could actually express myself
whilst crying the lock on my mouth that stopped me from telling others what is the matter
was removed so i got it all out
and how scared i was of my head 
he cuddled me and wiped my tears and told me how much he loves me, hes not going anywhere, he'll always be there, he'd do anything for me
just so much was said and i got some concerns off my chest
i got to hear bits about what he thought
so it probably did some good
gone back to bottling it up again
i can feel the shut down once again

I was offered to stay for dinner
and i wanted to i really did
but i know i HAVE to run tonight
if i want my sanity and to sleep tonight ive got to
no choice
so i came home
doing my diary, might run through dances before dinner, have dinner, run, shower, bed

not sure what im doing tomorrow
mum has just found out shes not needed at work tomorrow!
so we might have the day together!

Painting is finally finished!

Evening~

Why oh why did I sleep over at adam's last night?
I left just on time as I was too busy mucking around with my brother
I pulled up and adam was there he was already out
good timing
we went to his
On the way I said to him "you stink of food"
he had been working the snack bar tonight so he basically smelled like McDonalds
we got in and he went to kiss me but he he stunk so I sent him for a shower
he came downstairs and flicked through channels whilst I drank a hot chocolate
I got annoyed by this and walked off to find he'd put 'Planet of the apes' on tv
I did not want to see apes caving each others heads in at 11pm
so I went upstairs and listened to my ipod
I was in the dark, winding down
he flicked his bedroom light on -____- do some people really not think?
he faffed with stuff in his room and joined me in
his bedroom...
stunk as his clothes were in there from work and it stunk the room out
his window had been open all day and night so his room which is always freezing anyway
felt damp, his bed was damp, his duvet was damp
i was cold
really cold
he offered to come off his phone and cuddle me but i could still smell food on him, I was tired and just wanted to go home if im honest
but looking at the time of 12:30pm I knew I couldnt go home

I told him I was getting up at 7:30am to go park run
he was fine with it
I woke up through out the night
i was shattered this morning 
but my hay fever wasnt as horrific as what it usually is as his house isnt surrounded by trees
so that was nice
i got up and he mumbled "you can go for a bath if you like"
i said "how much time do you think I have?" i think he was half asleep
as who goes for a bath before running?
I got up and got ready
i said to his sleeping form in bed "shall i have break fast here or at home?"
he said "do whatever" 
i went home
i didnt even have a drink or anything i robbed a couple of biscuits and kissed him goodbye
he didnt get up cus i told him not to, no point

I got home and had a brew and porridge 
got ready to go out 
i felt like i stunk as i had slept in a food smelling bedroom and adam's sheet were well over due a change i reckon, so i felt a little grubby to say the least

Got to the park run, this one is near my dad's work place so he dropped us off
i was quite busy but i think theres usually more at the other one we go to
so this was my 3rd park run
that park is hilly, i know it is as its an ex-mining place
the runner in mum's group set off and i followed and kept pace with him
i could tell the pace was a lil quicker than im used to
not to mention the staggering hills that many walked up
but i kept up
the last bit i was struggling for breath not fatigue
i was weezing badly due to hay fever god i sounded awful
i still gave it my all towards the end tho i tried really hard and was starting to feel dizzy
my legs hurt when id finished
waited for mum and her crew

luckily one of mum's crew gave us a lift home i was grateful as since my run
my stomach has been in awful place 
we had a brew when we got in then a shower
i game out with a face sheet on and massaged my legs and arms 

I arranged mum's flowers dad brought her for their 28th wedding anniversary today
mum cleaned pigs out so i didnt have to suffer hay and sawdust thank god
i helped do the BBQ meat for tonight

went on my laptop and printed out my convention tickets
and got my email through from park run to say i did it in 31:53!!!
Thats a new record!! And it was a much harder run too!
so my usual park which is flat I reckon I can smash my last time of 34mins
I couldnt believe I had achieved such a time

then since then I have done some painting which I can say is officially finished 
what do you think?

I am pleased with it, its different and random and very much my style
i think i will take it to adams tomorrow to show his family

I fell asleep as i was really shattered
lack of sleep and running 5k none stop will do that XD

I havent done a lot since as I havent been able to think straight
and dont even know what i feel like doing
same for tomorrow i dont know what i feel like doing 
i know adam will want to see me but i dont know what to do 

To run or breathe city air?

Hoi~~

I didn't do my diary yesterday as I kinda ran outta time
and also didnt really want to do it!

I was left home alone yesterday which mum worried about
as she says it doesnt do me any good to be left alone
shes right I guess
But I got on with some painting and other bits and pieces
During the afternoon I hitched a lift from her and ran home
I ran through a local park on a bad hay fever day
running through the field home they were cutting the grass weren't they
course they were
safe to say i pegged it through there
my lungs and throat ached after my run for the rest of the day
it was that feeling when youve ran in the cold and its a burny ache
its just hay fever

My evening I went over to adams and we went out for a meal
at the pub were his parents met and me and adam re-met
we had a starter but luckily me and adam had a shared starter so i let him eat
the majority of it cus i still had my actual meal to go yet
the starter was different chickens
my main i picked potato fish pie
it was good

my behaviour last night...
it was like i was high
honestly what was i on!?
i was making the 3 of them laugh. a lot
not sure if they were laughing at my antics or just at me XD
we had all sorts of conversations and i was sharp and on it
yeah lots of laughs.
im pretty sure his parents must think im crazy they must do
We went back to his house were my behaviour didnt improve
my guess is its because i was alone all day and i had a lot 'play' time to make up XD
I came home later on and i fell asleep quickly as i hadnt slept very well

this morning i was woken at 5am with snot down my face
hay fever is delightful
it woke me regularly cus i couldnt breathe
until at 7:30 i thought "sod this" and got up
my eyes i was squinting they stunk, my face actually stunk and thats just skin
my hay fever was on fire
i was having drops in my eyes, blowing my nose constantly i was dunking my face in cold water, anything to help budge this hay fever fit
it was on TV that hay fever is gonna be high today and over the weekend
they were right

So i did some painting this morning
and im actually on the last stretch
just got to outline the big yellow cloud and its done
so it will be finished over this weekend! 

After lunch i went over to Mia's house
we talked and I almost very nearly told her about whats up with me
but i clammed up
i decided i didnt want her treating me different and if i get on medication then hopefully i might have full control of it all and she wont need to know
we booked manchester anyway
she paid for hotel i did train tickets and convention tickets
and me being and idiot spelt my email address wrong which means no tickets so ive had to email to try and get them sent to the correct email. such an idiot. i wont tell mia tho XD
so thats all sorted now~

I came home as i felt my concentration had wondered and i wasnt really listening anymore
she had stuff to do also
i came home and painted 
keep trying to see Oz but his hair makes me itch
im so so so sick of hayfever and this constant humidity
we dont usually get so much humid weather but its been relentless past week!
HATE IT!

Tonight Ive got to do a run i think
my yoga and dance has been on a back burner lately cus i dont feel that into them
im happy banging on my ipod and running 
mum is going to do a park run tomorrow one nether of us have done before
and i want to go but mum doesnt think i should go
cus basically adams parents have gone away tonight and i said id pick him up from work
then he says "stop over" and i kinda thought i would seeing as we havent been spending a lot of time together. but i didnt do a park run last week cus of rain and next week im in sheffield
i want to run
but hay fever is suppose to be bad tomorrow and park run is through a park obviously 
not only that but we think its gonna be busy due to our usual park run being closed for a festival
so we imagine a lot are gonna go to the next closest which is tomorrows
the paths are narrow so it could be crowded 
hay fever and crowds not looking good for me
but i want to run
my original idea was to drop adam off at work which is where the park and ride is for the city centre and to hide out in the city away from hay fever by myself
but i dont really need anything from the shops im simply giving myself some air to breathe 
dont know what to do
i really do want to run tho
it means not taking adam to work and getting up early
mum thinks i should stick to my idea of going to the city centre

i got a bit of time to think about what i want to do
just enjoy running 
i can see myself going XD

so tonight i get to pick adam up and have a sleep over~
he can deal with me XD

Got a 'bikini'

Evening~

I managed another run last night but only for 20 mins i wasnt feeling it
then I watched House with Oz in the evening and went to bed
I didn't sleep too badly
well if you dont count waking up regularly to blow my nose
sick of hay fever i really am sick of it
I got up for school

The school, the staff were lovely great staff
the kids ehhh I guess Ive known worse
we did P.E. and music!!! Oh my god subjects I never see!!
No english or maths to be seen!!
I was dismissed at 11:45am so an easy morning really

I came home and mum had prepared left over pasta for us both
it was good
then I waited and waited around for her to come shops with me
I was trying not to get annoyed

we only went TK MAXX but I picked up a fair bit, worth going
pair of pants reduced to £1
fluffy and I mean very fluffy boots (i know wrong time of year!) reduced from £50 to £10!!
pair of sandals for my abroad trip reduced to £12
a 'bikini' £16
I did not go in for holiday stuff, I went to kill time and to see if they had any korean beauty products in how they sometimes do. But mum said to try on a bikini to see if it would release some anxiety and i thought it was good idea. She picked one out I liked, tried on and brought!
The only one I tried on and I brought!
I wouldnt call it a bikini tho, more like a 2 piece swim suit
it has shorts for the bottom covered by a skirt so its a skirt with shorts underneath
no chance of me flashing anyone when bending over!
the top is literally a top and NOT a bra, its a halter neck so its secure and wont be falling down and my none-existent chest cant keep it up XD so i feel secure and dont feel on show or that im gonna be adjusting myself constantly ether and its just plain navy blue so I dont attract attention to myself!
i think  I will be fine in that.
the sandals were a good find, i do need some and my 'plan' was to have a pair of shoes I can run in, can get wet and dry quickly, I can wear all day long. I do not plan on taking pairs and pairs of shoes. I wanted what I called an 'omni-pair' XD
theyre white and black and will go with anything and fit my specification 
so I spent today's pay and i was worrying about money but i was telling myself "you have until now and October to earn money for all thats needed for this trip stop worrying!!"
Im not telling adam I have brought anything
dont wanna look keen or want him wanting to see them

we came back
and I literally got changed and went out for this look round a school
I will be honest this is what happened
I got the name of the school correct
did I go to the correct school?
no
no i did not
i am getting close to a mental break down i can feel it
im crumbling and today another chunk fell
i parked up, i walked to what i thought was the school i was going  to
go to reception and on the window it said "welcome to ....Primary school.."
my heart sank.
id gone to the wrong school
how had i managed such a thing?
i didnt have the number of the school to phone
and what would I say "oh sorry gotta cancel ive gone to a random school"
i didnt feel an idiot as i didnt make an idiot of myself
i wasnt disappointed that id probably screwed up that chance of getting in that school
i was more concerned about my mental health
yes hay fever is making me tired but i cant blame it on awful hay fever
i am genuinely losing my mind
i never screw up things like that
i had messed up and it worried me

i got home and i tried to dance to tune off from the crap afternoon
but i only managed 15mins due to my head telling me how crap i was at dancing and what the point of it all was
i went for a shower
mum came home and she asked how it went, course she would
i told her what happened. i could have lied and said "fine" but i dont lie
she was asking questions and i turned to her and said "i dont want to talk about it anymore"
that isnt like me
but inside deep deep inside i felt a part of myself was hurt, scared and maybe upset with myself
but it was so distant i could feel the pain of it, my eyes watered but that was it
usually id be in tears with worry and fear for whats going off in this head of mine
but something kinda numbed it, i didnt even 'feel' upset when my eyes watered
it was like something inside my wanted to express my emotion my frustration and fear
but it was squashed  

I didn't want to do anything I just had had enough
I drifted in and out of sleep for 45mins on the sofa
to give myself a break
had dinner but didnt want dinner but ate it like a robot anyway

after dinner i sat watching dances on my ipod until i motivated myself enough (god knows how) to have a go learning another dance one ive been dying to learn but i know its difficult but i set myself a challenge of it anyway and then i decided to do my diary which I almost didnt do today

tomorrow got nothing on apart from a meal in the evening
with adam's family as its his mum's birthday on friday
just going somewhere local so no city trip needed thank god
but hay fever is due to be very high next 3 days
what joy

think i will paint tomorrow i havent done any last 2 days

New school tomorrow morning = more holiday money

Otsukaresama Deshita~

I went to bed at 9pm last night
I had sat watching House with Oz for him to only pee on my already ruined carpet
which annoyed me as I had gone to the trouble at the weekend to clean my carpet
git
then I painted my nails
I d had enough, mentally so I went to bed
i slept not too bad 

I had school today
which was english and maths til lunch
the usual bore fest 
luckily a few children, the ones that need help, were away
so it made my life a lot easier but no less boring
I came home for lunch which mum had sorted for me
good old mummy
then went back to school
doing rainforest topic more like maths if you ask me cus it was graph work
fun

I went straight to adams from there for a brew
just talked for just over an hour with him and his dad
good to see him as im not seeing him tomorrow now
he's got work and so have i 
Ive got a new school to attend actually
just for the morning which suits me
its in the youngest class but hopefully they wont be too bad this close
to the end of the school year
in fact its 7 weeks til the summer holidays!

I came home and didnt do much before dinner to be honest
id like to go for a run tonight or think i aught to do one
i did zero exercise yesterday so i need to do something today for sure

So tomorrow I have got school til lunch
then coming home pleasing myself for the afternoon
then at 3:40pm I am booked in with a school for a look round i have applied to the school so its to help my application and i have realised i have actually had an interview at that school before and even had to sit and be part of a class for 45mins
i was in two minds whether to go or not but im not losing anything
so i will show willing and i will go

Added the crane and the moon

Yo~~

I slept like crap I really did

I went to bed early cus I'd had enough

to only wake up at 12pm and I was up til  2am then

just waking up regularly from there on -_______-

I was tired this morning and had missed calls on my phones

agencies

when will they ever learn to not ring me in the morning

So my morning I just painted mainly really

Overall today I got the crane finished and I added a moon

which is also finished

I could probably start the fox fire or sakura next

but I think it's starting to come together

The weather has been over cast and humid all day

meaning going outside is hell for my hay fever

it kicked off again last night as the damp night rolled in

hate it hate it

I had lunch and got a phone call from another agency

did I want to work at the usual school down the road tomorrow?

its a bit dull working one to one but work is work

and i want the money so i said Id do it

that meant that i had to cancel the look round visit i had booked in

with a school i have applied for

i rang the school up and told them id need to reschedule but they said

that tomorrow was the last day...typical. So  i opted to go earn £50 rather than go for what would probably have been a pointless 20min look round a school that probably would have nothing more to do with me.

then I went to karen's for a massage

i came out more crippled than what i went in with!

I told her, not that i was planning on, about my diagnosis 

she being an ex-NHS nurse couldnt understand why I was so opposed to the idea

of being on medication for my condition

i told her that im fed up of medication and the 1000 side effects they bring

she understood that but said that if she was me she'd try it

and i got where she was coming from

cus as of this moment right now i cant continue like this

and the psychologist is a waste of air

I got home and I talked to mum about what karen said about medication

mum couldnt agree more -_____- everyone wants me medicated it would seem

so I rang up the mental health team and asked if I could see the psychologist again

turns out he is off this week so I would have to wait for a phone call next week

to book in an appointment

guess it gives me more time to think about drugging myself up

I finished the painting for the day and went for a shower

i havent done any exercise today

and as much as i know it calms my busy head

i just cant face doing any

im on the go all damn day i decided to take a day off

easier said than done for me but my body hurts from massage and i dont want to make those

aches any worse 

see how i go tonight

so i have school in the morning for the whole school day

always feels like a long day there

but im grateful of the work 

then hopefully in the evening i can see mia so we can book the manchester trip for next month