2nd day better than the 1st

Konbanwa~

I managed to do some Japanese last night ^^
I watched Peter Kay last night til 9:30pm then went promptly to bed
was shattered
didnt sleep well, woke up at 2:30am for a huge wee XD then I woke up at 5am
then dosed til 6am so yeah been awake for quite a while
just not sleeping well really
lot on my mind and i wasnt really looking forward to school
i was moaning that i wasnt sure the job was right for me

Got up for school at 6:45am
had plenty of time this morning and had time to get pigs out whereas mum had
to be left with that yesterday morning
traffic was quite bad this morning compared to yesterday tho

got to school and i saw someone from school walking to school i walked with them and they said they were a TA for year 6 and that i should join everyone from main school at lunch
I was in reception class again for the morning
then at lunch I was given a proper lanyard and the fob to the doors so i dont have to keep asking people to open doors for me
i sat with people from the early years team and someone brought cookies in ^^
so i was glad i didnt go to the main staffroom theres like no seats in there anyway
would have missed the cookies
i went towards the end of lunch and copied a henna design picture onto paper and the teacher saw and was amazed and found where my talents lie
no one had thought to ask me what i enjoy in life XD
after lunch i was with the other reception class which was ok a lot of speach and language difficulty in that class

the lady im kinda taking the role of sat down with me and told me her role and showed me time tables and work she does
jesus its a lot
i have so much to take on board
heck she gave me a whole booklet just with songs in! so much to learn
she says she will take me to do some of the one to one groups she does so i can learn and watch from her basically, shes lovely and a similar age

at the end of the day i was given a diary as apparently i need one
i also spoke to the teachers saying how low i felt yesterday overwhelmed i was with it all
they said they dont want me to be stressed, i have plenty of time to learn stuff, theyre grateful of the help, it will come naturally soon, take each day at a time
its because i expect so much of myself i like to get things right and work hard and last night i felt i wasnt good enough and that i would never get everything right
but today i came away feeling a bit better than yesterday that i will get there and i will enjoy it
some kids still pee me off but id get that with any school any class any year group
theyre just needy and sometimes it grates on me
i hope i get there

when i got in mum kindly made me a brew
then i danced for a bit just cus i needed to really got sweaty
ive eaten so much past few days so i have a lot to burn off
hate myself each and everyday
food thoughts dont stop
but i have no self control lately i see food and i eat it
its not helping the anorexic thoughts
im not even hungry but i eat
need to stop this behaviour as its only giving me stomach ache

i did a tiny bit of sewing
just sewing on reflective fabric onto my running club hoodie ready for tomorrow
as i plan on going tomorrow
think i will go for a walk in a bit with mum then shower then Oz
feel not too bad about going school tomorrow
hope i sleep better tho
i have surprised people with my energy levels
cus of how much sugar ive had last few days tho i think
and the sheer amount ive eaten

my nails this week which ive had a lot of comments about

First Day of my First Proper Job

Evening~~

I slept pretty well
but woke up at 6am and could no way sleep so I stayed awake
and got up at 6:50am when my dad did
I got ready fast but it was a real rush think i scolded my throat with tea
and got indigestion from shovelling cereal down me
got mum too take a photo of me

but the sun wasnt really up that much so the poor lighting has created a some
what grainy photo of me
i got off ok and felt so sick and nervous

I arrived at the school early
in the hopes that i could meet the staff id be working with before school started
but no one seemed to know where i was stationed and couldnt find the head teacher
in the end someone else saw to me and i didnt have a lot of time with the teacher
i got bombarded with information today i truly did

in the morning i was in foundation so aged 4-5 
i was informed which children to look out for
i was basically in the craft room doing an activity with the children with paint
and had to write notes whilst the other TA took children for flu vaccinations 
morning went ok then break which i had to be out on
then it was free play inside which was fine
just trying to learn all the names is hard work tho

lunch time came round and they have a very weird set up at the school
we have to take the children and serve them lunch! i kid you not!
very strange and something i felt uncomfortable doing cus it didnt feel like part of my job
but guess it is
then we got our hour lunch time my first actual break
they said cus the staff room is so small that the younger years staff (which im now part of) tends to eat in their own section (in classroom infact!)
they said its my option but i thought i couldnt be doing with meeting anymore people
so i stayed with them
and one person had their birthday today and kindly brought in cake so i had a piece
good job i stayed with them XD

so ive met  just about all the staff im working with as ive been told im working with 3 classes...
thats 90 childrens names and i have staff on top of that
nightmare
but keeps the job varied
what i wasnt keen on was the age group im working with
foundation 4-5 years 
and nursery....3-4 years
hate nursery it is far too young
young and needy brats
the kids i cant say i could take to 
just didnt like them
none of them had manners 
just not nice children and so many needs as well
no wonder they appointed me they seriously need help for how many difficult children they have down there. unreal
but i must say staff are lovely lovely people
all female and im the youngest but one does look a similar age to me
the rest are like 40-55 years

after lunch i was in sodding nursery 
we made something using ice lolly sticks
then they danced to firework songs as it is bonfire night tonight
then in the spirit of bonfire night we had a fire!
it was a small on and we just burned leaves but it was good
and whats more we even served the nursery children hot dogs, mushy peas and marshmellows!!! didnt do that in my day XD so that was nice
then another break i had to supervise on
then got ready for home time
after the kids left at 3:25 i had to stay til 4pm
but it ended up being 4:10pm as the teacher just wouldnt stop talking to me
just wanted to get home id had enough mentally and physically
speaking of mentally today was the first day in a long time ive wondered whether or not i need anti-depressants, but i can talk to my psychologist about that next week

i got home and had a brew
then i went on just dance 2 to get stuff out my system
had dinner then went for a walk watching fire works
but i needed to get out i couldnt sit and stew in the house all evening
so despite being shattered i took myself for a 45min walk
just got a lot on my mind really
if i like the job, can i see myself there til easter, will i be able to learn everything, what ive eaten, my body shape, what will tomorrow be like, will i sleep tonight, what will life be like from here
all that kinda stuff
just dont feel that happy
even tho a job is what ive desired for the last year now its here im not sure how im feeling about it
the staff told me to relax and enjoy it and they all love it and have been there years
im just not sure how im feeling about it all
but only been day 1

see what tomorrow brings
i hope i sleep
i am shattered 
truly

First Day of School Tomorrow!

Konbanwa~~

I had Oz in my room last night because of how much was kicking off outside
he spent the whole time washing and laying under my bed happy little bunny he was
i sat with him on the sofa and mum said, at 9pm, would i like to go for a short walk
both of us in pajamas like
she doesnt usually do this so i felt i was ether in trouble or she needed space and air
so i changed my clothes and went for a walk then came in at 9:20pm 

I watched the final episode of Killing Eve last night
was not expecting that for an ending
clearly left it open for potentially more episodes
cus that was not an ending!!!!
I went to bed then it was about 10:30pm
by 11:50pm I went downstairs just like the god old days
i was aching and couldnt sleep despite pain relief and sleep tablets
just couldnt sleep 
so I did 25mins of yoga and had a hot chocolate

woke up at 7:30am then I woke up again at 8:20am and got up
weighed myself
im a lump
all the weight i lost is back with a vengeance
honestly hate this body i really do
i ended up having a massive rant i had kept in lately to mum
about how much i hate my body and that i want to be in the 8 stone
boundary not the 9 stone and how i put weight on so easily
my body disgustingly shaped and has fat everywhere i hate it
hate it
truly hate my body
i want to lose weight
makes me feel like i have a control over its awful appearance
its not feminine and fat
hate it

i went and washed my car which was ready for a scrub
and now its already for my journeys to school
came in and had a shower 

i got a few things ready for school
took a photo of the thing i made  

then attempted another thing to hang off the christmas tree but ended up being pretty crap

but still it kept me quiet for an hour
i then put my cousins picture in her frame and decided to start on the picture i was gonna do for mia and after a few hours i got it finished and framed! good job done and i think it looks alright
mum says its good but im my worst critic but i think its good enough to give her

i had lunch and had an hour's walk
it was raining a little but i needed the air
came back and had a brew in front of my laptop
looked and ordered a few christmas presents as i order abroad i need to allow time for them to come it also distracted me for a bit
i hate christmas with a passion
why have we in the first week of November got christmas adverts on TV and christmas songs playing it shops huh? appalling

I went on Just Dance 2 for a short while
couldnt be bothered but thought id eaten a lot today so i needed to burn it off otherwise it will turn to more fat no doubt

gonna sort out what to wear tomorrow as its school tomorrow!
my first day of school!  My first proper job!
I am nervous hence why i cant sleep and have upset stomach 
i just hope im good enough and i hope the staff are nice especially the teacher i will be working along side til easter >< 
i know i will be tired after school
getting up at 6:50am and leaving at 7:45am 
start at 8:30am and finish 4pm
not taking much for dinner as food gives me stomach ache lately and i dont want stomach ache at school i can deal with it at home but not at school
i will eat when i get home

i usually go running club on a monday but seeing as it is bonfire night im not going as a lot of fireworks will no doubt be kicking off so Oz needs me
i will go running club on wednesday instead 

adam text me today not heard from him friday and saturday :D
he text "Hi, how are you?" today
i just didnt respond
i mean thats a talkative message to respond to right
he has no one else to talk to and is probably bored and has nothing to say
and i cant say i have anything to say to him

school tomorrow!
please let me sleep
i cant think we so much tiredness 

Guinea Frame

Evening~~

I couldnt sleep again
just had too much on the mind
then I woke up automatically at 6:50am for my park run
it was an amazing morning
sun was out, no frost or dew just perfect
so I got motivated and went

I found it hard if im honest
last time i went it was easy
this week tho my god i wasnt even half way and i wanted to give in 
i tried hard still tho and i did enjoy it but not as much as last time
simply because it was a real effort
still ended up running it in 26 mins tho just 4 seconds off my PB! 
so i did well to say it was hard work

I came back and showered
then I watched episode 7 of Killing Eve which I had missed whilst I was away
it was good and finally episode is tonight 
i cant imagine how its gonna end i seriously cant
best have a good ending too
after i watched that i went to shops with mum i drove

i wanted a frame for a piece of art work im thinking of doing for mia for christmas
just an idea but i didnt want to start anything til i knew how big to do it
so ive brought her a gold frame as most of her picture frames are gold ive noticed
i also picked up a smaller 4 x 6 frame for my mums christmas present

the picture inside is one i brought from an artist in Manchester when I went to the convention and i knew then I had to buy it, frame it, and give it to mum
i think it looks quite cute and pretty
originally i wanted a turquoise frame but struggled to find one
but hindsight mums room is pink so im best with this

we came back and had pumpkin soup mum had made and got out the freezer
we had amazing fresh bread with it also
i was full afterwards and got stomach pains
stomach feels like a screwed up bit of paper 

i cleaned the inside of my car
seeing as it was stupidly windy today i decided against washing it
i will wash it tomorrow tho

i sat in the afternoon making a decoration for the christmas tree as i usual make something each year for the tree and i wanted to do something with my hands
also i had been looking round christmas decorations in the shop with mum earlier
we had picked up an elephant one for Karen for Christmas and I had picked up a giraffe christmas decoration for mia for christmas, i brought her a decoration last year too
i will photograph the one i made today

i did a bit of dancing as well
jpop dancing not just dance and i havent done that in like 2 weeks it felt good to do some again!!
i practised ones i was learning and started a new one cus i cant help myself at times

mum and dad came back so i sat and had a brew with mum
then i went into my room and i made a CD for my car for the journeys to school then afterwards I began to draw
i have 3 pictures i have been meaning to do since i got back
and ive done 2 so far and started the 3rd

i had dinner but there was so many fireworks kicking off that half way through dinner we ended up bringing my piglets indoors
to discover maisie has a hurt back leg
she doesnt want to put weight on it but weve seen her use it shes just occasionally not using it
i examined it to make sure she hadnt got anything in it or been bitten or anything
but couldnt see anything
i gently moved it around with my fingers to see if she was in pain anywhere but she wasnt 
so im stumped whats up with her and im hoping she will be ok tomorrow it was 7pm when we discovered her so it was too late for vets and shes eating fine and stuff she just limps time to time im hoping come morning she will be fine. It happened to Pinks once and she was fine after 2 days

got so many sodding fireworks
i dont have Oz in my room anymore as he was wrecking my carpet and i got fed up of the smell of his wee in my carpet as he refused to use the towels i put down for him the git
but seeing how much was kicking off out there i decided to bring him in
and i havent seen him since as hes very happy laying and having a wash under my bed
its his little warren that looks like hes missed!
bless him i dont mind as hes not peeing everywhere
might be able to get my 3rd picture done if hes happy down there

tomorrow is the last day before school...
my stomach is in anxious knots 
god knows what i will be like on the day

ahhhh im so tired i look half dead 
i hope i sleep tonight

tomorrow im cleaning my car, getting stuff ready for school
and doing anything else i feel like doing really
hopefully find something productive
i havent done any japanese in 2 weeks
not impressed
i should do some tomorrow

Last week day off till Christmas

Evening~~

I woke up at 6:30am and couldnt get back off to sleep
annoyingly 
so by 7am I got up as my dad was up
I got breakfast and sorted my girls out inside
it was another cold morning

my dad was downstairs and when i walked down at 7:10am
he said "last day off before school"
thanks for that reminder as if my stomach isnt in enough of a knot
also he didnt speak to me yesterday and today he speaks to me and its work related
he can only talk to me about work
its so sad
my dad is robotic and soulless 

I waited and waited for mum to get ready so we could
go into the city centre
we got there for 10am

we had a shop round
i had to queue agessssss in CEX for Just Dance 2014
took the pee
as i waited i saw a game I have Pokemon XD on Gamecube and they were selling it for £68!!!! jesus its years old and i have it and its worth that much!?
Just Dance luckily was only £5 whereas last time I went in it was £6
we walked round various shops
I picked up some bits and pieces
a watch for school reduced to £14 came with crappy bracelets but i brought this watch as it has a charm coming off the face of the watch which is so unusual
i like unusual stuff

a hat for home and maybe school for £4.99

slippers my god finally slippers as mine are seriously wearing!! £4.99

then a frame for my cousins christmas present for £4.99

basically i drew a picture whilst i was in Tenerife (didnt photograph) and id like to give it to her and this frame even looks like an easel so I was happy with it :D

we had lunch at a cafe Ive been to by myself twice now
we had a homemade hot chocolate and then a tea cake, that was our lunch and it was good
but gave me bad stomach ache as food is doing today 
I walked across the road to the Retro store and brought two very rare manga books for a total of £10 i love Disgaea and I have never seen the manga in store before so i was having these no matter what

then we came home

i sat and nursed my stomach pains for a bit
then i felt like i should make the most of the sun and went for 45 min walk

came back and started the hard journey of catching up on my youtube videos
god they went on and on!
in the end i had a break and went on Just Dance 2014
very      difficult....
it is hard if im honest
but i will get there im sure 
didnt stay on it cus it was making my head hurt XD
my other just dance are childs play in comparison 

I came back upstairs completing my videos -_____-
thank god that job is done
and i think i have just about caught up online just got one more site to do

tomorrow 
suppose to be a decent day for weather
so i may get up in the cold and do a park run
mums foot is still saw so she wont be coming 
after that im unsure what to do
ive got drawing to do, cd to make, car to clean
i have bits i can be doing
i might even go buy a picture frame as ivve had an idea for some art work i might do for mia for christmas, always pressuring doing art for others who can draw!

Saw Seth up to Halloween tricks

Evening~~

Couldnt sleep took me til midnight and went to bed at 10pm
after watching Task Master which was good X3

I woke up at 7:50am
I had breakfast and had girls inside as its too cold in the mornings lately
to put them outside 
then I went on Just Dance 2
been a while since ive been on number 2 and that was different to do
i noticed a song we danced to in zumba so i went on it and some of the moves
were similar and i was surprised at home i could remember what  moves we even did
in zumba!
Had shower 

Then as I finally received my Running club hoodie last night I decided to de-face it today. I have took the cord out the hood and replaced it with pink ribbon and made cat ears for the hood. Gotta know its mine right ;)
ordered a children's hi vis vest to take apart as i want to put some hi vis on my hoodie so people can see me as its quite dark by the time im at running club
people wear hi vis vests or have lights on them and i thought id do this, cheaper to buy a vest to take apart than it is to buy the fabric!

I went out around 1pm to go see Seth at a farm as he was doing a Halloween activity with children just making slime basically he says over the week hes made over 500 pots of slime 

I got there and instantly loved the decorations there

this is the farm i got my first bunny from and Oz from so I love this place
I walked into reception and Seth was waiting for me!
he was in his usual tie dye and he had his face painted
this guy is 66 but acts so young XD

he walked me to the barn he was doing his slime in
we chatted about stuff
the it was time for his show
i sat and watched as it was only half hour and ive always enjoyed watching him work, his enthusiasm and charisma. I envy his skills I always have done.
After the show I talked to him whilst he cleared up
Hes down there again at christmas time being santa so i said id come see him

he walked me out and  i took photos of the guineas and of birds

then i found these bad boys, hay bales!!!!! amazing or what!!!! loved em

From there I took the main roads down to the chiropractor as it wasnt worth me coming home really so I went to a cafe and had an earl grey tea which was good then I went chiropractor
shes impressed with how much better my body functions and i said i think i can run and dance better too since ive started treatment
not going now til december as shes away

i came back and showed mum the new igloo i brought for the girls to play in id brought from the farm so we had the girls in and they all wanted a turn in it XD in the end millie was in it as shes ring leader then maisie barged in so millie ended up sharing it XD

I sat on my laptop but not for long
i still have so much to catch up on its unreal and quite annoying too

We went to yoga which was good
id had enough at the end and it wasnt good being out in the cold
came back and had a pasta dish which was amazing

tomorrow is my last week day off til christmas!
not sure how to spend it ether
suggested to my mum we go into the city centre together and have lunch and stuff so we might end up doing that

Happy Halloween~~~~

My first full day back!

I woke up at 8:45am but could have slept much longer
my god my bed was a luxury pure and simple

I had an easy morning really of sorting my case out
then I went on just dance 3 for 45 mins
had a shower and a had lunch
then I went on my laptop for a bit 
i have so much to yet catch up on! gonna take a while i think XD
But i started posting my art work and such
and started the massive diary ive had to do

I then did my pumpkin as its halloween!!!

I gave him a bat mouth :3

then I sat having a brew with mum

after my brew I decided to make some cakes with a few halloween decorations we have

theyre nothing amazing but were very very nice ^^

sat doing my diary for ages
then went to running club saw loads of trick or treaters 
i ran 3 mile pretty fast 
mum had done me pasta salad for dinner and used this pasta

gotta love mummy for buying me these things XD
ate that and showered then finished my diary and about to sit with Ozwald

Ive had friends asking me if im off my holidays yet and if i had a nice time
adam said he got the money returned on the leg room we paid on the flights so thats something

tomorrow i might go see Seth as hes doing a halloween performance at a farm
then i have the chiropractor thank god

about it really been nice seeing my pets and family
now ive sorted my photos in order i will show them mum tomorrow or something

Ive eaten bad again today too much chocolate and cake
im sure if i weigh myself tomorrow and see the damage then i will eat better
dreading it but also i need to know