Konbanwa~
I hardly slept
took me til 12 to sleep I had to go downstairs
for some pain relief as i just ached
I woke up at 4am and dosed til 5am then
at 6:30am I couldnt bare it any longer so decided id start my day
i was shattered tho mentally and physically
so i didnt feel great
i sugared up before work
got to school
my first time working an inset day
so weird not having any students there
all the staff were in casual clothes apart from us 4
and thats because we dont want to wreck our causal clothes with chemicals
I spent my morning topping up labs, washing up, cleaning up
had a bit of jack's company but was mainly left to my own devices
so i was a lil lonely and could have been doing with my ipod
something which alan had >.> hes learned from past experiences
inset day = bring your ipod
we decided to stop for lunch which we were told was at 12:15pm
so we went off at 12:10 to beat the crowd
but upon turning the corner to the cafe we saw it was rammed full
then we walked to the food, i was down for vegetarian but no one was checking
what people had ordered and i decided to go for the fish and chips option
as the vegetarian looked like dog food
there was cakes
just a lot of food, a lot of people
my anxiety spiked
and jack turned to me and asked if i was alright i said i was fine
he seems to be quite tuned into me or pays attention to me
i got my food and sat down with rebecca alan jack liv
alacia had taken her food to her room she didnt want to sit in the cafe
and to be honest she had the right idea
it was noisy and busy and crammed
i didnt want my food
i ate my beans, a few chips and a bite of my fish
and left it, i had my cake even tho i didnt want it, its a sin to waste cake
i felt quite queasy afterwards and had had enough of sitting there
i needed sanctuary
so i didnt say anything to the group and left
i walked to our science office - where we usually have lunch
and had an anxiety attack
not the full on hyperventilating one luckily
just more wanting to be sick, twisted stomach and silently crying
i hated myself
i hated what i ate, how fat i was, that i had gotten upset, why was i even like this?
it was like out of no where this huge mountain of thoughts was just dumped on my head
i was tempted to ring mum but knew id cry harder if i did that so
i just waited for it to pass
i had a message on my phone from jack asking if i was alright
i said "im fine"
i sat there and heard my team come back
only jack came into the office he sounded relieved to find me
he asked if i was ok
i said "im alright"
he said "but youre shaking"
i didnt respond
he said "was it too much for you in there?"
i hated how pathetic i must have looked
he told me to take as much time as I needed
i didnt want him to see me like that
i dont like anyone seeing me like that
its hideous
eventually i felt stable enough to continue with my work
but i felt terrible
my legs were shaky i felt sick and dizzy
i almost thought about going home
and i trudged round the labs half in a saddened daze
til my motivation and determination kicked in
the voice of "i dont want to give in" "i dont want to lose" "this wont be like my previous school job" and i rallied then
jack had left me for his appraisal and when he came back he found me in my usual mood
he kinda had a double take XD guess he didnt know what he was coming back to
the rest of the shift went quite slow just cus it was a bit boring
after a lil while. been over a sink for hours!
so much stuff to clean -_____-
we left school and wished each other a good half term
i got home, drained
mum made me a brew
i went on just dance and did half hour of yoga
then had a shower
then had dinner and went on my laptop for a short time
gonna paint my nails tonight
hoping theres another episode of 8 out of 10 cats does countdown tonight
forgot to check!
tomorrow im going ice skating!
going with jack
meeting him at 11am which he isnt impressed about as it means he has to see the AM hours XD
should be a nice day anyway
i hope thats the last of my anxiety attacks at school
i did text jack to apologise he told me i had nothing to apologise for and he wishes he could be of more help, hes really nice to me and we text a lot
gives me hope that there are good patient guys in the world
here is a highlighter ive brought
in shops its £25+ i got it for £7 off ebay new
i see loads of youtubers using it and wanted a go
its alright i guess, fancy opening tho its like magnetic
Evening~~
Didn't sleep great
and Jack told me at 8pm that I wasnt needed at school
so i thought I could at least sleep in the morning
but no
as agency rang
even tho they know NOT to ring me in the morning
so that woke me >.>
turns out they wanted me at my local primary school
where I did my TA training
I havent been there for 2 years
and whilst I really wanted to recover and do my own thing today
i knew it was easy money so I agreed
I got up and ready and was at school within the hour
i had walked to school too as the time it would have taken to defrost
my car i may as well walk
i was in year 1 which has Mia's nephew in!!!
never worked in his class before
proper freaked him out when I knew his name
i know him he doesnt really know me
yeah it was good to see him really
hes a cheeky one
i worked with a teacher ive worked with loads before
i got through the morning
at cake on lunch which gave me stomach ache
why cant i eat at work!? really frustrating as i wasnt anxious in the slightest
i know that school like the back of my hand and the staff and a lot of the kids
during lunch mia phoned me as i told her i was in her nephews class
she was with her sister who's child it is
they were on loud speaker so i was filling them in really XD
it was fun and gave me company on my lunch break
after lunch i had to turn inside out 60 cereal boxes
i have quite a few cardboard cute on my fingers -______-
it was good to see the staff who warmly welcomed me
they wanted me in again tomorrow but im at proper job tomorrow
I walked home and had a brew with mum
then i sat on my laptop for half hour
then sat with Oz and went yoga
yoga was good actually even tho i wasnt totally in the mood to go out for it
its inset day tomorrow at school
so that means two things
no students + free school lunch
never been in a school on inset day
anxious about having to eat at school as ive been taking in hot chocolate and
just having that but now a meal is being brought to me
all i know is its vegetarian as thats what i chose but it didnt state WHAT it was
think im doing different lab jobs we cant normally get done tomorrow
so should be different
i did a doodle which i saved for valentines day
it wasnt actually for valentines day but i figured it could be used for it
made me sick today how many kids were into valentines day
i for one will not be encouraging my 6 year old child with that crap
Jack offered to see me tonight but i told him theres no point
as everywhere is full of loved up couples
ill see him on saturday anyway
get to annoy him tomorrow hopefully
Evening~~~
I went to pub quiz last night~~
I made myself some dinner and then set off for 5:15pm
we were all suppose to meet at 6pm
i had an idea where I the pub was but i txted Jack to say
if i got lost he had to find me
he suggested to meet up and walk together as it turns out the
others were gonna take a while yet to get there
so we met up and i ended up leading him to the pub -___-
he told me he had a bad sense of direction, now he tells me XD
so we sat together
and he ordered food but i didnt as id eaten
he brought me a drink
i tried his cider when he wasnt looking but then i confessed to doing it
he didnt seem that bothered, but cider is gross no matter what fruit its made from
but i just wanted to annoy him
shame it didnt work
Alan turned up
and he ordered a drink
both him and jack looked tired as theyd been a man down that day and had
done shed loads of running around, alan had done 19,000 steps
you do a lot steps in this job but yesterday killed them i think
Alicia and Liv turned up after having eaten thai food
i would have so joined them for thai food T^T
we sat and talked
the quiz sheets came round
and it was a themed quiz - 00's music -____-
so you have
me - dont listen to english music
jack - sucks at names
alan - only 18 years old
liv and alicia both 21 years old
yeah wasnt a great start
we knew nothing....
we were so bad
i robbed a bit of the next cider jack chose
once again to try and annoy him
and once again i did it without him knowing
even tho we'd be been sat next to one another all evening XD
i felt anxious a few times and one time i did feel like i was gonna
have a anxiety attack
just was tired and not used to any of what was going off
but talked myself out of it
jack kept asking if i was ok and i said i was
we started marking the quiz realising we seriously had none of them
but apparently half our right answers were from me...who'da thought!
i suck at music
alan said his mum wanted him home for 9pm so he was leaving
i decided to leave with him cus id had enough, knew we'd lost, and knew i had work in the morning to tend to and it takes me ages to unwind as it is
i rang my brother whilst walking with alan then i left him to wait for
my brother as he said he'd come get me
alan's parents were picking him up
i waited by myself in the city centre dark streets of where i used to go college
i was fine then i heard alicia jack and liv coming
they stood talking to me and jack offered to wait with me
but i told him to go that id be fine
then i saw my brother and i left em
it was a good night and i was happy i had people who wanted to go out with me, that id actually for the first time ever have work colleges but jack is more of friend
so here we have from left to right
Alicia, Liv, Alan, Jack, Me~
Awesome pub quiz team XD
When I got in from my brother's 'expressive' driving
i had a shower ready for school in the morning and sat with Oz as it was 9:30pm
and mum said he was waiting for me ><
I went to bed at 10pm
i laid there and laid there until i got up for pain killers at midnight and cereal
then went to bed at 1am were i woke up at 5am and been awake since!
im shattered!!!
School
i had to be there for 8am never been there THAT early
so i had to be up for 6:30am and just got to school on time!
My day was full on
and i didnt stop from 8am til 1pm which was when my half hour lunch was
good thing about today was - i didnt get anxious night before, i wasnt anxious in the morning and the hot chocolate a lunch didnt give me stomach ache
did pretty well as far as mentalness goes today!
i mixed a lot of chemicals up and got a fair bit of lesson stuff ready
im getting better at it all but still have a long way to go
i finished at 3pm jack and alan didnt finish til 4pm and jack threw something at me as i was leaving the door saying "i hate you!" XD thats what i say to him frequently XD
i got home and had a brew with mum
did some dancing as i was desperate to stretch out and loosen up
mum had had some shockwave treatment on her feet and was struggling to walk
so i helped with dinner
then i went on my laptop and showered
gonna sit with Oz soon
tomorrow hasnt been decided yet
as i could be at work and could not be,, depends
but i will keep myself entertained if im at home
its stupid valentines day tomorrow
what a stupid holiday
i wouldnt celebrate it even if i had a relationship!
ive done a doodle that i could use for valentines day which i will upload tomorrow
Afternoon~
I didn't sleep great took me over 2 hours to get off
its stupid
I felt quite shattered when I got up this morning
so I did half hour of yoga in front of Ouran High School Host Club
randomly felt like watching it
then I tried a different zumba video but it wasnt very good
and I was feeling tired
it was 26mins long and i turned it off at 22mins past
id had enough really
Had a shower
then went food shopping with mum
had lunch and went to bed
i knew i had pub quiz tonight and would be tired
what with the way i was feeling
i got up and had a rejig of my otaku shelves really
got much more room now ^^
my cousin's birthday card came in the post today
she had lovingly done me some art work
its truly stunning
and i told her id treasure it always!
Got ready to go out for pub quiz
which is 7pm til 9:30pm in the city centre
so im quite anxious but hopefully will be ok
then Jack asked if i wanted extra hours tomorrow
like half hour before i go out the house
so ive now got to get stuff ready for that!!!
stress!
8am til 3pm im gonna be tired ><
Evening
2 good things happened today~
first~ I only woke up once in the night!
Second~ I finished my painting!
Im pleased with it
and the outline really makes it ^^ its on the wall in the back room
I checked my ebay this morning
and I had won 2 figures so slowly my room will get a change round~
when I have everything in place I will have a sort out ^^
I did my dancing and painting this morning
then got ready for school
school which i felt anxious about last night and this morning >.>
stupid really
School I was just trimming stuff on the paper cutter whilst jack and alan
ate their lunch. then Jack took me upstairs to mix chemicals
i did pretty well and made i think 10 litres of chemical in the end
so yeah i was pleased with my achievement
and the whole time me and jack are laughing and throwing insults at one another
its good fun ^^ i certainly bring something to his quiet days XD
I came home and had a brew with mum and Oz
then I did some yoga
then went on my laptop
and now im wondering weather to do some science homework
or to do some drawing or both
tomorrow not got anything planned in the day
but in the evening i have the pub quiz to attend
Evening~~
So I've been Manchester!
woo!
Love manchester~~
Yesterday
my god yesterday
id gotten 4 hours sleep
I had been awake since 4am I was shattered
I got up and ready at 6am so I was essentially getting ready in the dark
I said my good byes to Oz
Mia's Rob picked me up at 7:15 for our train at 7:45am
we got there and mia decided as she hadnt eaten that she would get breakfast
so we waited for that, walked to our platform and watched out train leave...
yup we'd missed our train
i wasnt shocked and didnt let it get to me, i knew we'd get there
mia felt sick, she felt bad as it was her fault
she said she'd buy new tickets if need be
we talked to a conductor and she said to basically wait for the next train
which was in an hour's time and ask the driver if it would be ok to hop on the train
so thats what we did
and luckily the woman driver was kind enough to let us board the train
we got to manchester and dropped off our bags at the hotel not that our room was ready
but we went to find a cafe to have a brew in
then we started shopping round the many shops we enjoy
and went Afflex palace, where we found a photobooth that took our photos rapidly XD
didnt give us time to think!
we stopped for lunch i had apple crumble porridge!
i had no idea such things existed it was brilliant
i was so full at the end of it but i enjoyed it i didnt want to waste it
we continued shopping
i picked up a reduced pair of earrings for £3
and a necklace from disney store reduced from £18 to £3! bargain
mia picked up a couple of things
i got 3 new anime posters as I plan on having a sort round in my room
sick of seeing the same stuff basically
we got to the hotel and our room was ready
we were right outside the elevators so we didnt have far to walk
and our room was massive!!! honestly we had a big room and bathroom
and king size bed! id booked a double so yeah i was happy with that
we sat round and then decided to go for food
we went to an Italian mia had pasta i really wanted pizza
both of us didnt finish and didnt want to go to a dessert place
so we went to the hotel
ran a bath each and relaxed as we both ached from shopping
then we sat talking til 11pm and laughing so much our stomachs hurt
its only her i can have that sort of fun with an immaturity as well
cus my god the topic we had XD
it took a while to sleep and i wasnt looking forward to the night
cus it was a harder bed than mine
and after a while i did sleep
i woke up a few times but then i had a dream about finding a dead body and finding the killer
as disturbing as it was it certainly kept me asleep!
i woke up at 9:30am
mia woke before me but didnt dare wake me as she knows i dont sleep well
i got up and made us brews
then we sat round talking and i had a shower and packed our minimal stuff
we headed for the station and had a drink for the remaining hour
caught our train home and rob met us at the station
they dropped me off home and i was home alone so i saw to my pets then i
did some dancing for almost an hour
mum came home and i had a brew with her whilst telling her about my trip
then had a shower
went on my laptop to catch up and order a few things online
then sorted a few clothes out
gonna sit with Oz and go to bed now~
it was a great trip and im grateful to mia who could take the time to come away with me
shes such a brilliant friend
we said we'd try going convention later in the year
Evening~~
I slept like crap
I couldnt get off I felt like death i ached so much
so I got up at midnight after trying to sleep for 2 hours
Then from there woke up loads
just a pee take
i have got a doctors appointment on like 25th feb to get this looked at
I had school today
I was anxious about going during the night
god knows why
so I was anxious when i was driving to school
my morning task for like 3 hours was repairing text books
we had lunch and we played the mini Connect4 I took in
i lost big style XD
i took my cake in it was appreciated by the science staff who wished me happy birthday
a lot said "youre 27!?"
yup
followed up with "you dont look it" i said "i sure dont act it"
a lot of them said i look about 23
guess its better to look younger than older
im the oldest out of the technicians
I was told that me jack, alan, and 2 other girls are gonna go to
a pub quiz in the city centre on tuesday night at 7pm
im gonna suck! and im the oldest out the group! i should be better XD
im anxious about it but im also looking forward to it
ive decided not to say no to stuff, to be open to trying these things that make me anxious
as doing these things like going out is what i feel i should be doing at my age
kinda makes me feel normal
the rest of the afternoon was dull tasks
and i was always putting jack off his work XD
i dont think i stop talking
he doesnt mind he says
i tried eating a banana on the way home
as id only had hot chocolate at school as food is giving me stomach ache on work days
i had a bit of stomach ache after hot chocolate and a bit of cake
but the banana finished me off
why cant i eat when i have work?
i came in and had a brew with mum
then did a bit of dancing as i felt i needed to loosen off somehow
then i had a shower and sat with Oz
got a few bits ready for tomorrow
tomorrow is manchester!
up at 6am and mia and rob are picking me up at 7:15am
early start but it will be good :)
it will be a tiring weekend but i know i will enjoy it
I will be back home around 3pm sunday
mum did a roast dinner tonight as my 'birthday tea' it was good
as whilst id been at school she'd baked cup cakes ^^
im yet to have one
heres how far i am with my painting
