Evening~~
Well I did my homework
I stayed up and went to bed at 11pm with my parents
I read then i did the tensing muscle exercise followed by the breathing exercise
and I actually did feel more relaxed surprisingly
but I didnt sleep
and I laid there for 2 hours til at 1am i felt sick with pain and got up
i stayed up til 2am and went to bed but had disturbed sleep
so i looked like death in the morning as per usual
I got showered and ready to see karen this morning
I havent seen her since i bumped into her at a garden centre before christmas
so i was looking forward to see her to say the least
We met in a cafe
and we had tea and cake and the 3 of us chatted
she asked about my job and jack and stuff
and mum was asking karen about her cancer treatments
i cant believe how much she has been through lately
god id hate to have cancer i truly would
the amount of treatment is unreal, all those needles 0.0
we talked for about 3 hours
i was ready to move cus i ached!
I got home and we went to a couple of shops
but i felt ill i really did
so we came home and i went to bed
i got up and i ached
i did half hour of dancing and i did feel a bit better for it
then i looked at my patchwork...ah its a curse being creative sometimes
stuff that should be simple is never simple like literally i dont make it simple for myself
as i know i would never be happy with it
so yeah thats been a headache and a half but i think i have come up with a design
im gonna do bear claw a patchwork i havent done before actually
i do need to buy some fabric tho
annoyingly
i might just overdose on pain killers tonight
i ache real bad and if i ache this bad now its only gonna get worse in bed
oh my spastic glasses came in the post!
theyre dyslexic glasses and i see best with green overlay
they werent cheap but my god they work!
im taking them to work on friday!
im sick of stomach ache every time i eat
im not eating much in my days
i just cant be bothered with it all
tomorrow i might go into the city centre not sure yet
Evening
I didnt sleep great but on the plus side
i did stay in bed all night! achievement~
I got up at 8am
I was looking online at random stuff til 9:30am
brought some more joggers
gotta love joggers~
then I decided I really should be dancing XD
so I did 45mins of dancing
i had had enough tho
I showered and had a brew
then I hit a home store
I went and brought a container to transport and heat soup in
two chokers for just a quid!
a blanket as i want to use my scraps up making a patchwork blanket before
i start full time at school
a notebook for school as i wanna make a few notes before rebecca leaves me
and i think that was it
i came home and had something to eat and waited for mum to come home
i told her that the hypnotherapist had been in touch and given me an appointment for 5pm today
i then went to bed as i was done in
im still having cold sweats, dizzy and feeling off
i must have a bug or something
i got up and had a cup of tea with mum and oz then i went to the hypnotherapist
she had a dog which i happily greated
she was like "do you have a dog?" i think she thought i was so good with dogs i must have one XD i just aint scared and embrace all animals
she took me to a room upstairs in her house
it was all really nice and so was she
we talked for a good 40mins and she told me to think about if i want treatment or not as its expensive but she gave me hope. honestly for the first time in such a long time someone wanted to help me and was really confident they could help me too
she said she can help me with
sleep
pain
anxiety
confidence
and Eko
it freaked me out a bit about Eko but she has reassured me that it would be a merging not getting rid but the thought that thats even possible had me in shock really as i cant imagine it happening
i cant imagine this one person can do all this
to be able to sleep would be a dream
she told me she could end up talking to Eko she doesnt know as she hasnt treated anyone with this condition but seems certain she can merge us so i will be able to feel more emotions
she was really lovely
and gave me some home work to do for tonight
ive got to go to bed at the same time as everyone in the house
and i have got to do a tensing muscle exercise followed by a breathing exercise and it might make me sleep or sleep longer
i am willing to try anything
but if i chose treatment the first time she could do was 14th may as shes on holiday
i drove home
crying
i think it was relief that i could get help and i think just being a bit overwhelmed
i came home and asked mum to sit on her bed with me
i talked to her and cried a bit more
she was relieved and talked to dad about it
they both want me to have the treatment and are willing to pay as well for it
so expensive ><
i feel bad
since then i have flicked through my ever growing monster bag of scraps
deciding which ones to use to make the quilt
i have sorted a lot out
but i dont feel the bag is any smaller!! how is that possible!?
ugh
tomorrow im seeing karen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i literally cant wait
i havent spent anytime with her for months ever since shes started her cancer treatment
so me mum and karen are going to a cafe for tea and cake at 10am :D
after that i might sew or something :)
Konbanwa~
Didn't do my diary yesterday as I didnt get in til 12:30am
So yesterday...
I had 4 hours sleep
I woke up at 6:30am and was not spending another minute in that bed
so I got up and began my day
I went for a walk at 7am
just needed to get out
my brother saw me come in from my walk and was like "its too early for that" XD
i went over mia's for 9am
we talked and watched another fruits basket episode which was good
I came home and had a shower and got ready to see jack
as the previous night when i went to bed there was a txt message
"do you wanna come out with me and my family for a meal?"
my god
talk about scary
one hand i wanted to opt out but on the other i didnt want to seem rude
so i agreed to attend
i got myself ready for that
now did i go dressed cutesy? or did i go in dark colours?
i went in a black top, shakugan no shana necklace, red tartan skirt, black tights, red checked glove and a red bow in my hair. yeah man XD
I went over to Jack's and he said i looked nice
guess he likes me unusual appearance
we sat talking then did his food shopping
then we set off to meet his family
it was his mum, step dad, 2 sisters, nan
theyre all nice normal people
he does get teased by his sisters despite being 10 years younger than him
but he equally teases them back
both his mum and nan said theres nothing on me -____-
but all were nice people and i could easily get along with them
and i think they liked me
it was torture sitting there all those hours
that in in the end i went to the toilet
i didnt need to go but i just needed to move
when we got in the car home i said to jack "something needs to die or give me pain killers ether is good right now"
he said "yeah i could tell you were struggling to sit"
i said "no you couldnt" >.>
he said "jo your legs were going and your were fidgeting"
crap
i hadnt realised
and i tried to be normal too
he wasnt fussed or anything but i felt disappointed in case i seemed rude or impatient in front of his family
we went to his and it was 8:30pm
i didnt want to go home
i took a load of pain killers
had a play fight
then laid on his bed
i changed again
its getting so frequent but she was off
even jack noticed she was off
she wasnt herself
and still isnt
shes lost and almost sad
its a lil hard to deal with as im not used to seeing my other half this way
usually shes so firey and pent up but shes subdued
i cant work it out
and now my head is becoming messy
i had all sorts of thoughts at 1am this morning
from not eating, being fat, self harm, over dosing, loneliness, confusion and yeah just a whirlwind really
i got home at 12:30 this morning
and went to bed at 2am
i woke up at 6:30am needing a wee and went back to sleep for an hour luckily
this morning i began my yosakoi dancing with the fan!
my goodness im not used to working with a fan
i had hand ache!
i did other dancing too and before i knew it i had done an hour's worth of dancing
i was wet through i really was
like id already been in the shower
i showered and made some new joggers i got a bit smaller as they were a bit on the long side, then i got ready for my shift at work
work was fine
didnt do much washing up as it does XD
i prepped chemistry work with jack
and im more confident with it all now even tho what i prepped today i had never done before. My confidence is growing in the role. I spoke to alan as well
and i sorted stuff out and watered and tended to the plants
before i knew it it was time to go home!
i got in and got in my pajamas
mum made me a brew then i think i fell asleep for an hour
i was just too tired to function
and now i look really pale
great!
i sorted my ipod out a bit and looked at dances
about it really
i ordered some dyslexic glasses online £22.99
robbing sods
cashing in on us spazs
and a pink mascara
heres some punky gloves i got in the post last week
tomorrow i am gonna have another stab at yosakoi dancing
then i might pop to the shops for a soup container
as jack has suggested i take soup to work for lunch
he wants me to eat and hes concerned just like mum dad and brother are
so i will give it ago
i messaged a hypnotherapist as well tonight >.>
Evening~~
I was in my pajamas with Oz last night how I usually am
and at 9pm Jack asked if I wanted to stay over
he was home alone
and i kinda figured it would be nice to have the company at night
even if i did look and feel like death
i was surprised i managed to even drive there in the state that i was in
so i sat with Jack for a while
and the evening is pretty hazy after that
i think we went to bed around midnight or 1am
but i actually did sleep pretty well
although i woke up shivering at one point and i complained i was cold
so jack cuddled me and said "no Jo youre roasting and sweating"
guess im still not 100% and i felt a bit rough when i woke up this morning
jack said i looked like death XD i told him i did anyway when i wake in the morning
we stayed in bed til 10am
then got up and had breakfast, did some food shopping
then i left his house as he was seeing his family
i came home and showered
and had a brew with Oz
then i fell asleep i just felt like crap
then i made dinner with mum
tonight i might learn a simple dance in my bedroom
i got some joggers in the post today
theyre high waisted but even so theyre too long for me so im gonna make them shorter maybe tomorrow, tomorrow mia wants me to go over at like 9am to watch another fruits basket episode with her then after that im not sure what i will do really :/
heres an eye shadow i got in the post this week
im yet to have ago with it
but ive been after reds for a while now but been making due with oranges and pinks
now i finally have red!
Evening
I had another sodding nightmare
can you believe that?
thats 3 days in row
this one was about being captured by some sort of werewolf creature and being slung around and finally it clasped my wrists and i tried to fight it off screaming and kicking and thats when i woke up when it looked like it was gonna go in for the kill
i woke up sweaty
i was not impressed, plushies over the floor, covers a mess
i got up as id had enough
it was 3:30
at 4:10am i did half hour of yoga then at 4:45am went back to bed
but to be honest i was up again at 5am as i just could not sleep
so ive started my day at 3:30am
i showered at 6:20am as id had enough of feeling gross from my nightmare
then i slowly got ready
id eaten a fair amount before i went work but then i had been up 5 hours before having to leave the house and also i knew i wouldnt be eating at work
got to work and so many people said congratulations to me
seems theyre happy that im staying on ^^
so that was nice
i had some lesson prep to do in the morning
and then some cleaning up
so much washing up of Jack's
we sat down for lunch, id had real bad stomach pain all morning to the point where it felt like a knife was digging in me, its not been this bad before. So i felt crap anyway cus i have done last few days, i was on 3 hours sleep, i had stomach ache. i just wanted to go home. i did feel a bit faint at times but didnt say anything i kept going.
after lunch, i did some more lesson prep and some running around. managed to escape printing tho which was nice. and topped up the labs
i managed everything today with little help too so that was good
I spoke to jack about the interview
he said how well i did
i told him just cus im his girlfriend he doesnt have to say stuff like that to me
but he meant it
he talked to head of science and stuff about me that i am more capable that what i think i am and its just confidence with me
he said i did everything right really
it was good feedback to have and made me feel better
i came home, god knows how as i think i could have fallen asleep at the wheel
mum made me a brew and i fell asleep on the sofa immediately afterwards for an hour
sheer exhaustion
i woke up and mum said i looked white
i havent done much since then other than shower - again - as im still having cold sweats like i have been having last few days so i felt gross
and i just laid or sat round im just so damn tired
mum and dad spoke to me
theyre concerned
i mean before i left the house this morning my mum said "you do worry me"
i said "why?"
she said "oh you just do"
so yeah mum and dad talked to me
basically my dad has been ringing up hypnotherapists today as he thinks i should go see one, mum ordered me some tablets to help with pain and digestion
im grateful but i also feel crap about it all
as im the source of their concern
i dont mind trying tablets
hypnotherapy tho, ive just got out of sodding psychology sessions and its gonna suck not to mention its got Eko's hackles raised so im now dealing with a stroppy teenager in my head
so tired of it all
wish i could sleep and eat
how will i cope with a full time job is what my whole family is asking
i uploaded the picture i did of Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket
ive had a lot of good feedback from friends with it
not sure what next picture will be
tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
depends how i feel
my Yosakoi fan came today tho :D
so pretty~
please sleep tonight
i need escapism
no more nightmares please
Evening~
I fell asleep and had a dream where Jack told me to run
and off I ran, through endless woods not sure what i was running from
but then I found a house and I went in and heard some sort of wolf creature
enter the house and I was trying to get out the house without it killing me
safe to say I woke up covered in sweat at only 1am -____-
was not impressed
I got up and went downstairs til about 3am
I did however from the evening til 3am in chunks got a concert finished I have been
meaning to allow myself to watch for some time - finished from start to end
it was Kalafina 10th anniversary it was really good
but like 2 hours 50 mins long!! so I was glad I used my early morning productively XD
I went to bed and woke up at 6am thinking screw that
then next thing i knew it was 8:45am
i looked white and I didnt feel great but I felt better than yesterday
i pushed myself to do some dancing
i was wet through and it was a real real effort it was making me ache
but i was determined to do it as i hadnt moved much the day before
then i showered and felt drained for the rest of the day
ive hardly eaten as well past few days
stomach hates me
i fell asleep in the afternoon to be woken by a thunder storm
how long has it been since we've had a storm!?
it was making my bedroom lights vibrate the rumbling was so deep
mum hates storms XD
they dont bother me
but it does seem weird when its thundering, lightning, and hailing big hail stones
it just seems weird
then it goes really sunny and nice to only repeat all over again 0.0
weird weather
i couldnt fall asleep again
so i rested as i was just dead
i didnt want to go yoga but i went
and karen pushed how much she could get through in a hour
god i was knackered
but done it now
probably wont sleep tonight tho as i never do on a yoga night
i ate dinner and got stomach pains and i ache
so its not setting up for a good night
tomorrow i have school
should be alright its my first day back since easter holidays
im sure i can get through the day as my fever has gone down
im just drained, shaky and dizzy
but i should be fine tomorrow
im trying a new blusher tomorrow
i have the coral one and it is the best blusher i have ever had
so i brought the pink one to have a go with
liquid is much better than creams and powders for my skin type it seems
Evening~~
I fell asleep just before midnight, somehow
but ended up having a nightmare >.>
something was chasing me i could hear its breathing and foot steps
I was running down darker and darker alley ways
I woke up in the end
my hair was wet, I was sweaty
it was only 1:30am
so I hadnt even been sleeping that long!!!
So annoyed
I got up and stayed awake til 5am
and then I woke up at 6am I got up at 6:15am
wanting a shower and to start my day on the little sleep I'd had -___-
I got to school a little early
I felt soooooo sick
but wondered if i would feel better if i said hello to everyone before it all kicked off
i found the 3 of them cleaning the prep room XD not wanting it to look like a total mess
Jack told me to go downstairs >.>
I was 'against' two other woman
both were older
one looked like 30s other was 51
so i was the runt
we had to get straight into it
so we started with the distillation practical set up
i managed it fine
then we had to work out the sucrose quantities
and jack and rebecca were hanging round me i told em theyre stressing me out
rebecca had a quiet word with me where i was going wrong which was nice of her
but i believe i got there in the end with it
then we had a written task which i didnt enjoy but got on with it
i was sooooooooooooooooooooooo drained after all that
like sitting 5 exams in one
it was so mentally draining and i just wanted to tell jack to stick it
i couldnt look him in the eye as i knew id mess up or mess around ><
we went and had a break then
i talked with alan and rebecca
and then had a pointless tour of the school
then they reviewed our workings out and stuff
whilst we waited in the staffroom
it was alphabetical order who got called through for the grilling first
and seeing as my surname is S i get to go last
woopee >.> i wanted to be done and dusted
i got called through by a lady i was interviewed by last time
she told me she happy that i had applied which made me feel better
i was interviewed by her, jack and head of science
i tried to be serious but its so hard when jack is asking me questions
head of science said "and where do you see your self in 3 years time?"
i said "i'll be 30!"
they all laughed i didnt say it to be funny ><
the lady was like "i didnt have you down for being that old"
yeah probably another one that thought i was like 21 or something >.>
after my grilling i was allowed to leave
i do not know how i drove home
i felt like a zombie
i came in and was just on a ball at the front door carpet
and said to mum "its over ive done it, probably screwed it up but ive done it"
she said someone had just rang but i was obviously driving home
talk about not giving me time to get in XD
so i had to wait 10 mins for them to ring back
and it was the lady to say they were impressed with me and it was good to see how much i had learned since my last interview and they wanted to have me :D
i was shocked and relieved as i do not know what i would have done otherwise
jack had sent a congratulations text
mum made me sweet tea and i had a cookie all to boost my sugar up
my hands were shaking and i was physically drained and mentally to be honest
i told mum i was going to bed this was at 12:30pm mum said i looked white
i got up at 3:30pm and felt even worse
mum said i looked grey - seems i cant do flesh tones today
and yeah ive basically stayed in bed from then
i feel awful
im sweating but im cold and hot, i have a headache and i feel weak
im hoping its just cus ive pushed myself so hard and not cus im sick
i was suppose to see jack tonight but i simply cant
i told him and mum im gonna get an ear piercing as a reward for getting the job XD
i hope i can sleep tonight
ive so had enough
tomorrow will probably be dull tho i can imagine
as i have nothing planned
suppose it depends how well i am
so yeah im pleased how the day went anyway
starting i think 3rd june i will be full time science technician!
my second full time job and i know this will be a better experience than last time
and ill have jack there to support me
makes me wonder which other lady got the second position
photo from saturday~
