actually saw mia, our walk in the rain

 Evening

Last night was sunday so Jack's online gaming night

I did stay in the room with him drawing until 9pm which is late for me to be on my computer but I wasnt feeling that tired. So I made myself a hot chocolate and watched What we do in the shadows but literally as I sat down Jack finished up! so he made himself a hot chocolate too - as I did boil enough water just in case he wanted one! and we watched an episode together then went to bed, I did a bit of reading but couldnt really focus on my book to be honest

I did sleep well I woke up at 7am then at 8am and decided to get up as I had an alarm set for 8:30am anyway. Besides I was bloody crippled! back and ribs ache, that bed needs bedding in! its just a bit firm for me right now but jack is really happy with it. He offered for me to sleep on top of the duvet but I want to sleep in the bed like a normal person. 

we got up and I feel better about 10mins later after I have moved about a bit anyway

I got ready to meet mia, unfortunately it was raining, quite bad but I really really wanted to see her, give her her presents and get some fresh air! so I went out wrapped up, stupidly I put my airy trainers on so I had wet socks quite quickly ><

but yeah she turned up with her dogs and we swapped presents at the door and went for a walk which was a good walk I was gone a good hour, I got soaked but I enjoyed it. Just talking to and seeing another human being who isnt my family or Jack - no matter how much i love them

she said the same thing actually

so when I got in Jack kindly made me a cup of tea and warmed my oat bag up for my shoulders so yeah he was there to thaw me out which was kind of him ^^

I showed him the Hammington picture actually and he really liked it, he laughed but yeah he said he liked it and said he loves me XD he likes my humour and I like his

we had lunch then I helped Jack wrap up his family's christmas presents and then we went over to mum's were I was greeted by Oz on the sofa :D mum got him in for me ^^ we sat with the girls too. Oz smelt I must say. He never smells but yeah he smells. Mum said to go have a look at the ne hutch they got which is on top of Oz's cage at the moment. It stinks like it really stinks. It housed a male rabbit who clearly hasnt had the snip cus un-neutered male rabbits STINK. I can never wait to get my baby male bunny done just cus their wee smells so bad. And this cage hums of rabbit wee. So Jack googled what we would be best to clean it with as we dont want to replace the smell with bleach as thats unfair on Oz's nose. White vinegar apparently works well so mum said she would buy some for us. I have offered to clean the hutch tho - just putting that out there

we came home at 4pm and brought home with us some more of my clothes but also our Ottoman for the bedroom! it arrived today and we get everything posted to mum's house so I relieved her of that massive thing. We are dead pleased with it tho, its soft and sturdy  

we watched more of what we do in the shadows - i have almost finished it!

then did dinner which was pasta and I made a good job of it ^^

cleaned up and now I am on my laptop, Jack is talking to his friends tonight on skype at 9pm so I am gonna paint my nails whilst he does that. 

Tomorrow 

we are getting our new replacement freezer between 7-11am as our first one arrived with a massive dent in it where the temperature knob is. So once we have that we are hopefully going for a walk with Theo and Harvey. Just so we can have a catch up and see them. It was so good to see Mia today so I am sure Jack will be happy to see his friends, heck even I will be! so isolating lately

havent got anything else planned after that I dont think, apart from going to the shops were Harvey lives. and we might pop in a hardware shop for stuff to protect the garden with for Oz

right its 8pm I have some time to do some drawing!  

Started Hammington Picture

 Evening!

I had a much better night last night, a lot was due to sheer exhaustion

but when we got back we did watch Inuyasha together and had a hot chocolate which Jack made for me. He did make an effort with me, even skipping a 'christmas party' online with his friends he plays online games with.

We went to bed after 10pm I was just done but felt much better in myself

I slept through the night and needed my alarm which went off at 8am

we only set an alarm as we wanted to get to the shops for 10am - which is what time they usually open

so we had breakfast and both had a shower and then went out to the shops. Jack drove all day today which meant of course parking up in a car park! he parked out the way of any other car XD I wasnt complaining as its less stressful but he did do really well. But looking at the supermarket car park it was so busy...but how it was 10am!? people were coming out with trolleys full! usually on a sunday you cant buy anything til 10:30am its some sort of rule/law i think. so we got into the shop which actually wasnt too bad. We had a massive list 0.0 it was a bit daunting to be honest. 

My anxiety was quite high but to be honest I did cope really well and we got everything on our list racking it up to £142! but thanks for our 10% discount for being key workers we got it at £130! jack did buy some whisky so that added to the expense and we brought A LOT of meat...so much meat...XD

we got back to the car and Jack drove us to wilkos were we had to que outside to get in and shelves were pretty empty :/ we just about managed to get what we wanted. 

Then we came home, I was so tired by this point, my body had begun to shake a bit.

We unpacked the sheer amount of shopping, made a cup of tea and used our toaster! we had fruit loaf, something I have never had before but Jack reassured me it was just like tea cake - we couldnt get tea cakes really. It was actually really nice

I txted mum to say we were back and fed and they can come over when ever.

she sent me a txt "just been to derby to fetch a hutch!" so yay!!!! I have a new hutch for the Ozwald

she sent me a photo then video footage of Oz checking it out and hopping inside it >.> hes too cocky for his own good. It had housed a male rabbit so Oz was going round scenting it all -_____-

mum said that Oz threw his food dish out his cage yesterday. He has never done that in his whole life, he also tore his newspaper up which he doesnt do very often to be fair. But mum said "do you think he knows something has changed?" I mean I have only been away at the time 2 nights and one of which I did spend with him so it was no different to me having a weekend at Jack's flat but somehow Oz knows I have moved out and is showing us how he feels -______-

the 'new' cage which is obviously second hand will stay at mums and Oz will have his usual hutch for the bungalow. We will move him over hopefully this week but we just need to secure the garden which isnt going to be too big of a problem there is only a small gap at the end of the garden, and then need some wire meshing for the gate as the gate is metal and he could get through the gaps.

My brother and my dad came over and were keen to start, they started on the roof...

my 58 year old dad on the roof doesnt sit well but there is no stopping him. He went up to clear my gutterings and to actually sort this blasted tv aerial out that my brother has been trying to sort all week. They did eventually sort it. the problem was the wire coming from the aerial it's self like the satellite bit, the cables were destroyed so its no wonder my brother had no luck with any of the cables in the house. My mum came over - without Oz - we went for a walk together leaving the men in the house. And we talked about my mental health and such cus shes obviously worrying about me and says the house feels odd and strange without me.

we came back to the bungalow and I assisted dad whilst he changed light switches and light fittings and I got his opinion on what needs nails and what needs screws - luckily we got away with nails so Jack was able to do them - the drill - he needs to build his confidence up with.

so we have the porch room finished!!! another room ticked off, the new freezer will be in there on tuesday but apart from that it is finished XD

they left together as I ended up with my whole family over XD jack doesnt mind

then me and jack sat and watched an episode of what we do in the shadows and then did dinner which was noodles but I struggled with it, as i am just struggling with food at the moment.

Then it was pretty much time for jack to game, i massaged his hands for him as he says they have been bad lately so i did that then I went on my own laptop on my own little desk - that my family think are very good ^^ and did some drawing. Started drawing me and Biscuits Hammington - a big 20" plush I have of a hamster. Jack keeps finding me cuddling her as I love cuddling her on the bed. He keeps saying "I need some cute kinky picture with you with Hammington" the perv

so I am drawing him one, as I am no way letting anyone take photos of me right now. I told him I am drawing him the picture but he hasnt seen it XD

here we are so far, hammington is only roughly drawn

think its going ok, something different for me to draw actually

I am gonna log off now as it is 9:10pm I am tired and gonna chill out without listening to Jack game beside me. God bless headphones

tomorrow

Mia was coming over to exchange gifts but cus of further covid restrictions I am unsure how I feel about it so we are still meeting up but taking the dogs for a walk round here at 9:30am so jack gets a bit of quite time :)

then I will probably help Jack wrap his presents for his family. Not got a lot else to do really. I have bits on this week but I think tomorrow will be quite quiet.

Not a good first night

 Evening

Well last night me and Jack didnt settle down and watch Inuyasha

he seemed quite happy on his computer so I left him to it and got ready for bed

he did join me, he was tired and stopped reading in bed before me. I could not settle tho. I was restless. I had slept for over 2 hours in the day and done no exercise. Also my mind was racing.

I got up, leaving Jack fast asleep and made myself a hot chocolate - you can hear everything in the bungalow so I was worried the kettle would wake Jack up - nope!

I sat with my hot chocolate and had a pain killer even tho I had only taken some 2 hours previously but I just wanted to sleep and usually that does knock me out. But no

I laid there and laid there, listening to Jack sleep

I couldnt take it anymore and decided to see how asleep he was and stroked his hand and said his name softly but nothing, so I got up alone. I sat crying in the living room alone

I just felt so confused. Like what I was feeling and thinking was wrong

Ive seen all my friends dead happy and excited about moving out, and I didnt feel that. I just sad...numb and unhappy. But why? I have had loads of help with everything to get me settled and such. I should feel happy and grateful but I just didnt.

I decided these thoughts were getting me no where so I did 20 mins of yoga by candle light and then decided I still felt like utter crap. I considered taking a lot of pain killers just so I wouldnt need to think or feel. I did take another pain killer at 1am which was over dosing but I wasnt bothered in the slightest. I went to bed and cuddled up to Jack who let me cuddle him in his sleep.

When I woke up this morning I was alone in bed and it was 9:50am!! jesus....that was some lay in

Jack had been up and sorted a few things online, such as our damaged freezer which is being replaced free of charge on tuesday.

I couldnt be bothered with the day to be honest I felt so flat and down.

Jack made me a cup of tea and tried to get me motivated and my spirit going

I had a shower and felt more human

Jack's new driving instructor arrived at 10:50am and off he went, whilst my mum pulled up on the drive with Ozwald X3 that cheered me up just seeing her and my Oz

who honestly was loving his morning and scattering his poos >.> found 10 under my bed the untidy git

mum helped me unpack the rest of my stuff and kept me company basically, which with the way I have been feeling is probably for the best. Then she took my Oz away and I had half hour to myself before Jack would be  home, so I decided to paint the wood work in the porch and the bathroom door so it all looks better for that. Then Jack came home and warmed our soup up whilst I finished the toilet door.

After lunch I decided to give my coffee table another coat of potent yacht varnish and the tin lid is a bit sharp in places but I didnt think much of it, so I continued to varnish away and looked down at the bubble wrap I had used to protect the carpet from varnish to find blood smeared across it. I looked at my hand and I had cut my finger open :/ not that I could feel it.

but that was enough to literally make me feel faint in a matter of seconds, luckily jack came in at that point and was like "have you cut yourself?" i just nodded as I couldnt speak, pathetic as the cut is TINY! he was like "right ok stop looking at it!!" and got me on to the sofa before I did pass out. For some reason I just cant cope with my own blood.

took me a while to recover from that which irritated the hell out of me as it was sunny out and i wanted to get out for a walk down the river!! jack tended to my cut bless him

and he drove down to the river, we walked in the sunlight along the river which was nice

then I drove us to tara's who wasnt in but I just wanted to drop her xmas present off anyway, then drove us home.

we got in and had a brew and a rest

we then planned out our meals and shopping list as its christmas week next week and we still dont have a freezer! 

then I had a half hour sleep on the bed whilst jack gamed

we went over to mum and dad's and had take away pizza, well they did i had pasta from last night as I couldnt face pizza and the pasta gave me stomach ache. I ended up crying on my bed from exhaustion and just the way I am feeling. we sat with Oz which cheered me up then we went home.

Come on here to do my diary, gonna have hot chocolate and watch inuyasha then go bed

Tomorrow

we are gonna get to the shops for 10am - when they open 

and do our christmas food shop

have lunch then dad is coming over to help with a few bits

then not sure really i guess we have the rest of the day free

our christmas tree 2.0 after i got some decorations from home   

Moved out

 Evening

So I think last night was my last night at my family home

I went to bed at 9:45pm and then woke up at 1am needing pain killers

so I got up and had a mammoth bowl of cereal and pain killers then went to bed at 2am

but I can tell I didnt sleep all that well

Not only that I had to be over at the bungalow for 7am as we could have our freezer delivered between 7am and 11am, so I set  my alarm for 6:40am

I didnt see mum before I left the bungalow I just told dad what I was doing and left at 6:50am

I saw Jack for a bit before chris came to pick him up for school

then I had my breakfast and a brew by myself, I settled down in front of 3 episodes of 'what we do in the shadows' a series I have been meaning to watch, as I have seen bits

the delivery men came at 9:20am so it wasnt too bad

they dropped it off and left and I somehow managed to unpack it then just left it as the instructions said to, I let jack know it had come. Then I finished painting the porch! so all that is left to do in there is the white wood work which isnt too big a job but I am thinking of doing the door and bathroom door as well as it is filthy.

I came home at 10am and had a shower, and felt exhausted. It had hurt to hold the paint roller and just generally paint, think its from painting yesterday. So I went to bed and woke up 2 and a half hours later....jeez 

so I had my lunch which was soup Jack had made

he had txted me to say he finished school at 1:30pm and was going into the city centre to finish his christmas shopping.

Mum meanwhile helped me pack my stuff, I had a lot to pack as you can imagine. My brother kindly put all the stuff in mine and mum's car. Then we had a brew with Oz and the girls. I could tell mum found packing difficult because she doesnt want me to go. She knows its got to happen and has accepted it but doesnt have to like it.

We dropped all my stuff off at 3:45pm and then Jack turned up 10mins later from the city

and mum said she would leave us to it, my brother left and mum hugged me I hoped she wouldnt cry as I would cry! but she was strong for me

Jack helped me put together my desk and chair that had arrived today ^^ so I have a nice little corner in his study to sit on my laptop :) Its so lucky they came today as they are not due for another week! fate! and then we put some of my stuff away but I havent brought EVERYTHING over as I just havent.

Like I havent got all my clothes or my plush or figures but I will bring them over as and when. I wont bring over craft stuff until I have a craft room. And as for Oz, my parents are still hunting for a cage for him. But I will see him every day.

we then had a minute to rest before we cooked pasta and ate that, but I wish I hadnt as it really hasnt sat well in my stomach. Just not on good terms with food cus of mentalness i guess

so thats it, I am here

I could be here for the rest of my life if I chose.

in this bungalow, with Jack

its still sinking in, Ive shed the odd tear this evening when he hasnt been looking. Its just overload of emotion as I couldnt ask for it any better, the house is practically redecorated, my family is a 5min walk, Oz will join us, I have Jack, I have money to live off, comforts and yeah I need to be happy and grateful and I know I will be I just need to settle down with with all. i feel restless but I havent done any exercise today T^T so i hope I can sleep :/ I am just tired all the time and have to give my energy to more important thing sometimes, like packing today for example

Jack came home with goodies from work, people had gifted him with things for being so amazing. he said many people wished me to get better and a merry chirstmas. which was nice but I feel so distant from work and all that are there. its odd. i want to return but I also dont want to return.

Jo is just overwhelmed with everything right now @.@

I will get there I am sure

I have many to support me

but now my main support has shifted from mum to jack

is he up to the task?

we shall have to see

tomorrow

at 11am Jack has a driving lesson for 2 hours and so mum said she will come over with Oz maybe, then me and jack are going for a walk down the river as we have done nothing together for so long. Then going over to my family's for take away pizza!

Our bed room

Could be my last night at my family home

 Evening

I actually slept! Thank god man, so I woke up at 8:30am

got ready to go out and by 9:20am I was painting the porch

Jo gets on with things~

But before I painted, I went into our bedroom for my crappy clothes to paint in and found this....

I was disgusted but also very amused as I knew Jack had positioned them just for my entertainment. As I told him to look after Hammington and I found Snorlax having his way with her!! So I took a photo and sent it to Jack saying 'what the hell jack! you were suppose to look after her!!"

painting was alright actually, I painted for 90mins with my music playing and the sun shining, so it wasnt too bad or lonely. And I got the first coat done ^^ Needs a second coat.

I txted mum who was 7 doors down that I had finished and was just tidying up, as she said she wanted to bring her friend - my 80 year old neighbour 7 doors down - round to see the bungalow.

Luckily I had put right Hammington and Snorlax before my neighbour came over and had a heart attack at the scene before her. So she had a look around and was very impressed with our home ^^

I came home with mum and we had lunch, then we sat for a bit I was exhausted to be honest, painting did a number on me but it felt like such an achievement. Mum kindly dyed my hair, its just my natural colour so you cant even tell it just makes my hair colour even and shiny and soft too

then we went for a walk, finishing up at the bungalow and had a brew when Jack came home.

we talked a little bit and then mum went, giving us time for each other so we just laid on the bed and talked, I told jack about the sheer amount of stuff that will need to come over to the bungalow over the weekend. theres...a....lot...and I have no idea where it is all gonna go. But mum says I can move out and just keep taking bits over like I have been doing, theres not pressure to take EVERYTHING in one go. so thats nice.

I walked home so jack could play games and have his dinner. He was impressed with my painting and agreed it looks loads better and warmer too. It is his last night of freedom as we have said that I will be sleeping over there from now on. should be anyway! its such a big step but I am feeling better about it all than I once did.

I came back and had dinner then I found some time to actually do some drawing, started doing the picture of me and hammington, Im thinking of making it a little bit nudy XD cus its for Jack's desktop picture and I think it will be funny

It's 7:50pm but I am so tired, it hurts to look at the computer screen so I think I am done here.

Tomorrow

We should be getting a freezer delivered! But delivered to the bungalow so it means I will need to be at the bungalow between the expected delivery times - whenever that may be! So I am unsure how the day will pan out. I will need to take some stuff over to the bungalow, I am having dinner over there and sleeping over there. To be honest it could be my last night here tonight as I do need to start actually living in my own home. And to get settled during the holidays would be perfect.

I hope I can finish the second coat in the porch way and get that almost finished then I will just need to do the white work in there and it will be almost done.

we shall see what tomorrow brings

heart improvements

 Evening

I went to bed at 9:30pm and read for a bit as usual, but woke up at 11:20pm? why?

I couldnt have been asleep for very long >.> it was rather annoying

I tried my hardest to get back to sleep but I just ached quite badly so at 11:45pm I ended up getting up for some pain killers, and as I didn't feel much better and quite stressed with the situation I decided to tune off and paint my nails at gone midnight XD so now I have pretty flowers on my nails. I went to bed around 1am then slept through til 8:20am

This morning I had a repair session on my sewing machine. I repaired my pyjama leg, made some dungarees smaller, fixed the straps on another pair of dungarees

I had a shower then had a slightly early lunch with mum

I was so shattered tho for what ever reason and I was really annoyed by this fact as I just wanted to get stuff done but mum could tell i needed to sleep for a bit and I was just gone within minutes

when I woke up me and mum put up christmas decorations, I did the tree and she put up all the trimmings i have made over the years as it meant going up and down on the chair and i didnt have the energy for that. But it all looks much more christmasy, I took some decorations for mine and jack's tree

Jack came to see me after school, we sat with a brew and sat with Oz

then we walked to the shops, I had no energy for it but i know i needed to do something otherwise id be major hurting tonight, besides the fresh air was wanted. Jack said I appeared a bit more brighter in myself and asked how I was doing, and when I actually thought about it, I realised I hadnt had any heart trouble for 2 days now!! thats such good news ^^ I honestly thought in the new year I would need to be medicated for my ectopic heartbeat but hopefully this is finally putting it's self right :D

we walked to the bungalow with stuff from the shop and the bits for our christmas tree. when we arrived i set about sorting our tree out, and it does look better ^^ I didnt have my phone on me so I will take a better photo of it tomorrow. I sat with Jack for a bit then I went home and cooked dinner for everyone as mum was out and I thought I would help so she had dinner ready for her when she came in. She had pre-made the meatballs before going out so I just had it all to cook. 

I did 20 mins of yoga afterwards as I was really really aching and worried about the night, I had no energy for it hence only 20 mins but i did feel better for it.

and now its 8:30pm and I will wash my face and maybe look at pictures to draw as I need to get back into my drawing. 

tomorrow

my mum is working 7 doors down from our bungalow so i am hitching a ride with her at 9am, i am going to paint the porch way for 2 hours then come home with mum then have a shower. I am only doing the 2 hours as it will certainly be enough. just do a bit each day. Might get mum to dye my hair its usual ginger colour, i wanted red but mum says i am far too pale for the red right now >< I am awful pale and pasty coloured. I look like a ghoul to be honest. 

Not sure what I will do after that. Might wait at the bungalow for Jack when he comes home as he has gaming at 6:30pm. He gave me a portion of soup to have for my lunch tomorrow ^^ He is looking forward to the weekend when we can spend a bit of time together.

finished spider picture

 Evening

Didn't sleep well again as mum yet again woke me up by screaming in her sleep

her night terrors did improve but i think theyre triggered by stress and i know she feels stressed by me being unwell off work and my impending moving out

so I ended up getting up at 12:30 for pain killers then went to bed at 1:20am

I still got up at 8:20am tho

This morning I had a shower and I finished the spider work for the house finally!

Basically when we got the house it had been empty 18  months and belonged to the many spiders than inhabited it. We had to get rid of so many ether by killing or exiling them. Jack's mum got me a joke present of a spider toy when we got the house. I have had the spider sat on my desk and I had the idea of doing some art with it - i asked jack's mum for her blessing on this and she said it was a great idea

usually people have a picture of a house or a key to say what day they got their house. Well i am weird and different so I went with a different approach as to how we remember the date of our house

Pretty weird huh XD but everyone has said how amazing it is, the photo doesnt do it justice. But Jack loves it which the main thing.

I looked online at stuff for the house as well

I also got my wrapping finished as well! So Jo is ready for christmas :3

just need to give those gifts out!

I had lunch with mum and we went for a walk

then I wanted to go to sleep but mum suggested we take Oz over to the bungalow and clean up a bit and take some more of my stuff over so thats what we did

Oz loves it X3 its cute seeing him run around

10mins after we arrived my brother came too, so we had my mums car on the drive and my brother's outside. Jack got dropped off by a fellow DT technician at school who lives a minute drive away! small world that it is! he was not expecting us all at the bungalow and with Ozwald XD

so we had biscuits and a brew with Jack then mum took Oz home as he had enough, he needed toilet and something to eat, im good at reading him :)

so I was with Jack, kept him company whilst he painted the freezer room which is done now.

I told him i had looked at stuff online and also, that if and when I move in next week, i have no desk or table to work at. So what will i do if i come over? so he measured up and we found a desk and chair online, I went home and ordered

new lighting for the porch/freezer room

new ottomen for the bedroom

new desk for me

new chair for me

=£220 -______- just eats my money T^T

but its exciting to get furniture :D

I decided I needed to chill out after that spendage so I did a face massage which lasted 20mins, cant believe how bumpy my skin was! my jaw cracked, and my face feels looser. Also i was able to have my hair up for the whole time without my scalp screaming at me :)

I still feel exhausted today but I feel brighter in myself, like more myself. So i will take that as a positive. 

Tomorrow I have a bit of sewing to do, only bits and pieces on clothing that needs repairing or altering. I am also getting out our christmas decorations so i can put them up but also take any stuff i want as a lot i have made and brought myself and mum says its fine to take them. So i can make my tree better hopefully! Jack might come to see me after school, i have dinner to make for the family too.