first massage in a year, broken window, pokemon drawing

 Evening

So once again I couldnt sleep as Jack wasn't in bed >.>

but that wasnt the only reason I couldnt sleep

the other reason was, when I had gone to take Oz to bed I noticed the garage window had been smashed.....I shook me up a bit cus it was obviously deliberate 

I went in to Jack and he was obviously not happy but was gaming and said he would have a good look at it in the morning

So i laid there thinking of ways I could fix this 50 year old window. Its not glass its Perspex so it has cracked not shattered into loads of pieces.

Jack came to bed around midnight and I dropped off only to be woken by his snoring T^T

I got up at 8:10am and woke him up at 8:30am

I was tired but got on with my day

I did a few jobs then did some painting ^^ Got Jack to mask out my drawers for me as hes a lot neater and more patient with masking tape than I am! I sat in the room with him working on my flareon & umbreon picture. I have gotten a lot further with it. And I would say it is finished however I am just gonna keep looking at it for a few days to see if theres anything I wish to add

but I have drawn everything......I dont do scenery usually but I wanted to do a full scenery picture. I think its ok but sent it to my brother as hes good at looking at pictures and composition/colour/etc

showing it to my mum and Jack I just get "its really good" yes but you cant do art XD

Mum came for a brew at 11am which was nice and then me and Jack had lunch when she went. I worked on a bit more painting before I had to go for my massage

oh my god massage

it was amazing

first one in a year and it was such a blessing - pain relief wise

i wish  it would have gone on and on

she said I wasnt as knotty as she thought I was gonna be so I wonder if the massager we brought has really helped keep the worse knots at bay?

I came back and had a tea and fruit loaf with Jack then laid on the bed for 20mins whilst he sat with Ozwald who was checking out his new tube ^^

I did dinner which was my first attempt at Dashimaki. It was alright actually. Id have it again

I am going to attempt Okonomiyaki next week~ Jack eats anything

We took my car over to mum's for dad to MOT it in the morning

then walked home and got rained on typically

it also meant Oz, who we left outside, got soaked. So i had him for an hour as he doesnt have the common sense to go for shelter or to even go in his cage.....

then just finished up painting and stuff in craft room

Jack is staying up late gaming once again but it  will be probably be real late as both him and theo dont have work tomorrow morning XD

Ive overdosed and cant wait for bed. I usually like to sleep after a massage but it was 4pm when I got home so it was far too late. I wouldnt sleep tonight if I had gone to bed. 

tomorrow

not sure yet what I am doing as it very much depends on how I feel after my massage

mum said she would see me ether way even if it is just for a brew :)

Jack's 28th~

 Evening

I slept well ^^ I woke to an empty bed at 8:20am

Jack woke up at 7:30am and got up for Oz and slept much better than the previous night

He made me breakfast and tea, didnt even think to make it for him as it was his birthday, we were both on autopilot XD

But anyway we ate breakfast then he opened all his pressies and cards which were all so nice ^^

We got ready to go out and dropped Oz off at mum's then Jack drove us over to Sherwood pines

we had a good walk round taking the longer path. However I feel like I sat down on every bench and used the inhaler several times T^T I can see the damage of not using the steroid inhaler now as I WAS NOT THIS BAD!!!  so now I understand more and I have been using the steroid one but I need to heal my lungs up with it before they get back to how they were

After the walk we found a good patch for our picnic blanket and had lunch which was really good ^^

we laid down for a bit but I got chilly and we said we would come home. 

On the way home we called in White post farm - where Oz was from 

and Jack spent all his birthday money (£30) on Oz!!! It all went on that bunny

spoilt bunbun

On the way home we called in at mums to collect said spoilt bunny and have a brew with mummy

then we did come home for 3pm. I went straight to bed as I was stiff, tired, achy, dead

Jack was playing with theo on pokemon unite when I woke up

I sat beside him on my phone as I had a lot to catch up as I hadnt been on it all day - always leaving my phone at home cus I hate taking it.

Then I microwaved our leftover meals from the freezer

Jack cleared up and I went in the bath then he had the bath. Then I have just been doing mundane things on my laptop and applied another coat to my painting. I was looking at recipes and such nothing amazing but i like to educate myself as I wasnt in the mood to draw really

Tonight Jack is gonna game late I think but he says he will have a break at 9pm to have a piece of birthday cake his sisters brought him and so he can see what oz thinks to his new toy which is a edible rabbit size tube with different entrances I am sure he will love it. Jack chose it

Then I can go to bed when I like as I am dead.....

Tomorrow

not doing much really probably just painting and then I have my first massage in over a year at 2:30pm which Jack is paying for ^^ I will come back feeling looser but also exhausted as thats how it affects my body. So I will probably have a big sleep afterwards. Jack is paying as he says it will help me and also gives him respite XD

Jack's birthday tomorrow~

 Konbanwa~~~~~

We went to bed after watching Inuyasha with Ozwald as usual

Jack fell asleep so fast after putting his book down in bed! I thought "great, snoring" T^T

but I fell asleep quickly luckily

I woke up at 5am as I could hear Jack walking about and plugging something in, in the living room. So I listened and waited and after a minute he didnt come to the bedroom so I went to go see him

he looked awful I was like "you ok?"

he said "no, my ears hurt, I havent slept I just couldnt get comfortable so I got up at 2am"

so he'd been up alone for 3 hours

"we dont have any paracetamol ether!"

he was massively grumpy

so Jo to the rescue

I found some co-codamol tablets mum has stashed in my drugs cupboard, we had a warm drink and went to bed where I cuddled him til he fell asleep

a true role reversal! He did fall asleep and pretty fast too, I crawled away from him as I could us making heat and I didnt want him to wake up cus he was sweaty

I actually fell asleep also! I was very shocked at this as I felt quite wide awake

I woke up at 8am to let Oz out and was very quiet all morning - a hard thing for me

then at 10am I did start making my biscuits as I could hear Jack stirring 

and he woke up and said how much better he felt ^^ and thanked me

However this did mean we werent going out for the day as it was like 10:30am and already quite warm and sherwood pines is like 45min drive so by time we got ready and got out it would be very warm

we decided to go tomorrow instead 

So i did some painting, wrote up recipes, made biscuits and changed the bed, cut my nails. Just odd jobs really. Had lunch then fell asleep for an hour

when I got up I went to mums for a bit, had a cup of tea with her and the girls, she had made biscuits so I got to have biscuits and she gave me a load for Jack as she made them for his birthday

I came back and did dinner

then I was about to work out as I ached and was desperate to move but Jack's family showed up to drop his presents off and ended up staying couple of hours so I didnt get to work out til 8:30pm but nice to see them. Were going over on saturday morning. 

I did half hour of dancing and was dripping wet afterwards, good sesh but I dont dance enough as I couldnt remember bits and stuff

had a much needed shower now were gonna watch anime with Oz

tomorrow were going out to sherwood pines (hopefully) mum is gonna have Oz

as its Jack's birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he will be 28~~~

So I will obviously get him to open everything first thing in the morning :) and then grab our picnic stuff and go really~ I really hope he has a good day and gets nice things ^^ I hope he sleeps tonight too. Hes not sure if he has an ear infection in one ear and his piercing is infected in the other ear....

Saw Ed for the first time in 2 years!

 Evening!!

Jack was up gaming last night but came to tuck me in bed at 10pm

I was struggling to sleep but as luck would have it he stopped gaming at 11pm and got into bed and as soon as he did I fell asleep! I slept well too :)

This morning I got my jobs done which was to order mum a new tissue box cover as she asked me to order her one, I cut back the school geraniums, did some painting and cooked my meat for the breakfasts. So a productive morning all in my pyjamas

then I got ready and fell asleep on my bed next to Jack who was on his switch. He woke me up at midday to say he could hear Ed's motorbike.

Ed had arrived ^^ so good to see him and he gave me a hug straight away ^^

He stayed til 8pm :D

it was a good day, just very tiring! I was struggling but luckily Jack and Ed seemed to get along just fine and talked about nerdy stuff mainly gaming so I could rest sometimes.

We had lunch and dinner outside on the picnic blanket. Dinner was good but gave me stomach pain so I had to lay on the bed for half hour with hot bag on my stomach

He went for a walk with me in the afternoon too as I was struggling to sit for so long, I was aching. Jack and Ed played on their switch on the TV screen as well whilst I cooked dinner. So yeah it was a good day. He even gave us house warming gift! No one else has given us one as no one else has bothered or seen the house really

When he left Jack cleared up and I had a bath then he had the bath after me

he said he liked Ed and it was good to meet him finally

Now I am gonna get Ozwald inside for some fuss. Hes had fuss from the 3 of us today but to say we were sat outside he didnt come see us and has been a bit quiet too.

tomorrow 

we are suppose to be going out to the sherwood pines for a walk and picnic but going to see how I feel as I am quite dead and mum & jack dont want me pushing myself 2 days in a row but I would like to go >< we said if we go on the way home we will call in white post farm - where Oz is from, and buy him a new toy :) I hope tomorrow we can go out but if not I have painting to do.

was painting

 Evening

Yesterday I couldnt get to my laptop to do my diary....my craft room was just a MESS

but the mess involved A LOT of WET paint. So I didnt feel it worth dropping something on the carpet or anything so just left it really.

But yesterday I didnt sleep very well. Jack again keeping me awake

I saw my mummy for a morning walk :3 

I came home and had a cup of tea with Jack but he wouldnt let me have it til I had used my inhaler >.> I confessed to him and mum that I havent been using my steroid inhaler for about 3 weeks now

at first I did genuinely forget then I thought "do I need this?" another medicine in my life to take you know? but Jack has been pointing out how out of breath I get on walks and mum saw yesterday so I thought I would confess my sins. Jack has been on my back about using it now >.> 

yes Im stubborn

I did a fair bit of painting yesterday, started my canvas and drawers. I cleaned Oz out too and also made some more biscuits to snack on

mum dropped off some parcels which was nice of her

she txt me later saying she had made scones but forgot to halve the recipe so she had made too many XD I asked if I could come over for one

so I saw her for the 3rd time that day! X3 So I had a scone whilst mum cooked her dinner and then I sat with my brother whilst he ate his dinner which was nice

I saw the girls briefly and helped tilly with her meds, mum says shes really good ^^ we caught it early so she seems to have healed up. Of course in her having her medicine molly thought she was getting something good and starting squealing in her cage --___--  I walked back home carrying 4 scones mum let me have for me and Jack ^^

I came home and had a bath and watched anime with Jack and Oz

Last night I didnt sleep well again T^T Jack was snoring and my mind was going at 100mph

so I felt dead when i woke up at 7:30am. I got up for Oz who didnt give me a single lick >.>

Jack woke up at 8:30am and we had breakfast together and got ready to go shopping

I could not be arsed but I got it done with next no anxiety

I was so dead tho 

we came home and put it all away then had a scone and tea ^^

Jack helped me make my soup and then I cleaned the bathroom and he hoovered the whole house - this is a usual routine for us.

We had lunch and I felt pretty dead but I needed to do my dusting so I got up and dusted the living room, hall and bedroom. Then flopped on the bed for an hour

when I got up I went for a walk with Jack, I could not be arsed but I did it

I do have a lot of tiredness lately which is partly due to my anxiety and depression and partly due to me still getting used to my increase of antidepressants. It is hard. And I do question sometimes why life is so hard and unfair but I somehow just keep going. Not wanting to give in and waste life. Yes I can waste up to 3 hours on the bed sometimes each day but I managed everything in the day I set out to do. I just have to take more breaks than most people and I dont get to do what I WANT to do, I just get done what I NEED to. So in that instance it does feel massively unfair as I watch Jack get his chores done then goes to do what he WANTS to do. Whereas I have to rest. I will never have it easy. But I chose to not let rule my life. I do try my best. even if its not what my mind is telling me to do that instant. If some days my anxiety feels crippling and huge. I still fight on. The fight is harder some days but I still get up and continue. I am grateful I am the person I am as I feel I could easily live the life of a hermit which is how many people with depression and anxiety live. But I think id rather be dead then do more time in a coma like state. AS it was like being dead. I did nothing and remember nothing but aged 2 years. Not sure where this rant has come from but I guess my mind has been busy lately ^^;

Im gonna go chill out with Oz now ^^;

tomorrow

I am really really really hoping tomorrow happens

Ed is visiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I havent seen him in over 2 years!! Like last time I saw him me and Jack had only just starting dating!

I cant wait to see him ^^ be so good to see him

be weird that he lives the furthest away out of my friends but hes seeing the house before them!

I hope he can make it tomorrow 

he says hes happy to just come over and chill, I said I would cook for him

so just gonna feed him pulled pork cobs I will put on in the morning to slow cook

Can't wait ^^

I cleared my desk and craft room a bit this evening so I could do some weights and actually use my laptop! ^^;

Im also going to bed by myself tonight, Jack is gaming late with Harvey and Theo I said to him to ask them and he did not hesitate XD but he said to get him if I need him. Just hope I can sleep without him. At least theres no snoring

Went to the city centre first time in 10months

 Evening

So yesterday we did in fact go into the city centre

we got up and set off for 9am in hoping it would be quieter that time of day

I did feel ok, getting on a bus for the first time in over a year was ok too

but actually getting into the city its self was just overwhelming to say the least

My anxiety just rocketed, I could barely breathe, Jack supported me all the way

I was determined to do this

luckily everywhere was dead to be honest. I was surprised at how quiet it all was

we did a lot of shops, at 10:30 we stopped for a tea and shared a cake, I wasnt going to have any of it but I was shaking from being drained from anxiety. Needed to up my sugars otherwise I think I might have fainted. I also used my inhaler. It was a well needed pit stop

We continued shopping and it was Jack that mainly brought cus I literally got some cheap brushes and paint! Jack got clothes, a 20 sided dice lamp (its so cool it changes colour), anime, shoes, snacks

he did really well but I buy offline and he doesnt, so I get my stuff throughout the year and he just hasnt spent any money in like a year XD

we caught the bus home at midday, yes we were like ninjas, in and out. It was starting to get busier. I had had enough, Jesus I was like a corpse. Anxiety is shattering. If it had been busy when we had arrived I would have turned back for home, I am glad it wasnt too bad.

I was shocked at what the high street looks like in Nottingham tho!! D:

its been destroyed by corona. Id say its 90% food stores. Not even joking

so many stores had gone, they are bordered up or replaced with food.

so much food.....we wont starve thats for bloody sure!!

Where I get my bras from is gone TT^TT 

its changed everywhere thats for sure. We didnt do one end of the city as I was struggling to walk much further but the bus drove through it and I could just see FOOD every sodding where. Quite depressing. Im guessing people online shop these days but its not for everyone and also some things are nice to actually try on you know?

we got home and I had lunch then went straight to bed

I went to bed twice in the afternoon. I was like a corpse.

we were to go over to Harveys in the evening for takeaway so I needed to rest and gain energy but did feel like a waste of life

we had a bath then went over to Harveys

the guys ordered Pizza, I took leftovers over

dessert came and I ate so much I did so well, we ordered my brother a waffle as payment for doing such a good job on my car.

I think Jack could see I had had enough and at 9pm we set off for home. We had had a good time and it was nice to see everyone. Jack had leftover pizza for breakfast so he was happy XD

we dropped off my brothers waffle and he was VERY happy to receive it XD

we got home and had Oz in to watch Inuyasha

I was tired but couldnt sleep

too many thoughts about food. Making me wonder was any of it bloody worth it!? I do need to keep eating treat food otherwise it will win but when it keeps you up til 2am you have to wonder if it is worth it you know? It wasnt just the thoughts that kept me awake tho it was Jack as well. Crushing me in his sleep and tossing and turning which pulls on the duvet. I got up in the end as it was doing my head in. At one point he got up for a drink and I stood there thinking "if he acknowledges me we  will get up together as he did say to wake him if I cant sleep" he saw me and said "alright?" and climbed into bed and fell asleep straight away.......what!? how is that possible? its like he was sleep walking. I asked him about it this morning and he has no memory of it XD

I went and did some photoshop work and came to bed at 2am and woke up at 9:30am

I had a massive blood blister bite thing in my mouth where I have bit my mouth in my sleep but its huge like how that didnt wake me I have no idea. I can feel it each time I swallow and eat. its the size of 3 finger nails. never had one that big. surprised I was choking on blood in the night

Jack didnt dare wake me, for the best as it would have been the last thing he did, he waited to have his pizza with me and made me tea :3 

I have been sluggish and tired all day tho, not a good day

i picked myself up this morning and sanded down my drawers in the garage and Jack helped. Oz thought it was great he was constantly there! very cute!

I went to bed after lunch and just was slug. We went for a walk and took the umbrella and the rain did come and my god did we get wet it was heavy rain! it woke me up tho and I kinda enjoyed it in a way. I came in and ran a bath to warm us up - this was 3pm

so by 4pm we were both in pyjamas X3

had an easy dinner of leftovers but still fell asleep after dinner. I hope I sleep tonight

Jack is gaming for 4 hours tonight. I am just here really - existing

I need to write to do lists each day, I need structure and goals as this isnt doing me any good and I am not seeing anything I get done. I keep writing my days off as having done nothing whereas I have actually done stuff even through my tiredness. I am so fed up of being tired

im tired of being tired

its frustrating as hell

tomorrow I am determined to start some painting!

my go city centre tomorrow - first time in 10 months

 Evening

I had such a bad night T^T I had stomach pains and stomach rot from pain killers. I wanted to face Jack in bed as that side felt ok to sleep on compared to the other side - my left side - that hurt 

But he was thrashing in his sleep and kept squishing me and was snoring and robbing covers and ughhhhh I got up twice, even made a bed on the sofa but decided that I couldnt stay there so came to bed after overdosing. I had an awful dream and woke up wet through, so glad it was bed change day. Even Hammington was wet...I woke Jack up and started to peal the covers off him and stopped...

"are you naked!?"

he said "No!!" and pealed the covers down further

I said "thank god, felt sick then. Thought id been next to you naked all night"

poor Jack, thats how he was woken up, me repulsed by the idea of him sleeping naked next to me XD

I felt so out of it this morning. My morning consisted of food and sleep -____-

I went over to my mum's at 10:50am, we had tea and a chat and my brother came to chat which was nice. I said that im having waffles tomorrow and I said to him if he washes and cleans my car (as he does a pro job) that Id buy him a waffle. Cleaning my car wipes me out but its effortless to him.

so he did that after lunch, after we had lunch mum dyed my hair so its all fresh, I also epilated and shaved in the shower so I feel  fresh, then we sat with the girls which was nice. I was home for 3pm

I had fruit loaf when i got home, we went for a walk, then made biscuits and then did dinner. Had Oz in as it was thundering and lightening so I wanted to make sure he was ok. Its totally blown over, 1cm hail stones and all, now its sunny!

So I might do a bit do a bit on my drawing then watch anime with Jack and Oz

tomorrow

we are thinking of going into the city centre - early

I havent actually been in the city centre for about 10months, yup its sure been a while! But with covid, I cant say I fancied it and also everywhere was in lock down!

But more and more people we know are going and say its ok but I am unsure....nothing I need really I just miss going. But I am gonna see how my anxiety is in the morning. Heck my parents have been to the city loads! if they can do it I can! But we shall see. We also have takeaway in the evening with Harvey and Theo. 

I need to plan my weeks so I get the most out my holidays

if I dont go out tomorrow then im working on my drawers