completed my first full week in months

 konbanwa~

I didnt sleep great, was up til midnight, had a lot on my mind I guess. Then kept waking up

so I felt quite shattered when I got up

I was glad it was friday but I was also ready for it to be the weekend ><

School was ok really

I made 15 litres of hydrochloric acid up, all in an hour as im an actual pro XD

Got my practicals done, washing up completed, tidied up, technician meeting as the 3 of us are stressed with a few things. But I caught up with everything finally - 4 weeks into term and only just caught up....jesus. Managed a bit of art too which was nice as well. 

Mum sent me a txt saying she was cleaning my house *0* and sent a photo of Ozwald as well

so that was all very lovely and kept my spirits up

we got home and had tea and fruit loaf with mummy

she had dusted, hoovered, done the pots, watered the garden. ahhhh i felt spoiled! She did so I would hopefully have some time to myself this weekend as she knows I never get time to myself anymore and my saturday is going to Jack's family and friends. So she did it for me ^^

We had dinner then I instantly fell asleep on the bed. Only for 45mins but god I fell into a deep sleep in seconds. I was exhausted. Mum and Jack had said I looked shattered and pale :/ working myself to death as per usual I guess. Its been my first full week back in months, it was bound to be hard

I did a few bits then 15mins of exercise then had a bath

Its friday so Jack is gaming. He woke me at 6:30pm when he was about to go game and I will wait for him as he says he will be done at 10pm he said I can go to bed sooner if I like but I said I would wait for him :) I like going to bed with him.

Tomorrow

probably clean my chunks out in the morning for him to ditch his cage 10mins after its been cleaned....thats something Oz seems to do each week >.>

Then setting off at 10am to Jack's family's as it's his mum's birthday so were having a cup of tea and cake with them. 

Im hoping to come home for lunch, have a power nap then do some art. Then we are going over to Harvey's for takeaway, well I am taking leftovers from mum for my meal but I will have dessert with the guys. So a full on day of socialising >< 

I just best have time for my art damn it >.>

being disciplined at work!?

 Konbanwa~~

I woke up for a wee in the night, woke up at 5am and was pretty awake after then. Annoyingly

So this morning I felt sicky anxious but I knew it was just because of my test

Jack did go through some questions with me after our break at work, he just said them not wrote them down and I got them right. So I was feeling quite confident and wasnt too nervous come actual lesson We were given 20mins to do the test, I finished in 7. So I checked my answers 

I actually got 32/36! I was aiming for 30 so I was happy with that

a few kids got full marks but Luke was sceptical but its what you get when you mark each other's work. Lowest was 25 marks so I am glad I got what I did really. If I hadnt revised I would have probably got around 10 to be honest. I would have felt real dumb. The revision was needed.

I came back and announced my marks to Jack and he was so happy and proud ^^ He asked where I lost marks and I said I lost 2 on the diagrams, which is when Luke said lots of people lost marks there as its such a bad photocopy. Julia assured me that on an actual exam paper it will be clear and not a copy of a copy of a copy....yeah I couldnt tell what the arrow was actually pointing too! But it was experience that diagrams can look different.

Lunch was needed, and I txted mum what I got in my test ^^

I had my occupational health appointment at 2pm. Lasted 56mins

the lady on the phone was very lovely and I had to go through all my illnesses, my medication, how I feel, a depression test (done these like 1000 times in my life), we talked about my dyslexia and that I think I have ADHD and she said I might be able to get screened for that if theres funding. Which I would do as it means not going on a 3 year waiting list from the GP. She finished up with

"so I think youre ok to attend a meeting about your absences"

come again?....

"what meeting?"

"well because you have over the limit of days off, you have flagged this service as part of the school's protocol. You will need to have a meeting with your manager and a member of HR to see what can be done about your absences and if you need to be disciplined"

I suddenly felt panicked. I had no idea I was having a meeting with someone high up

and disciplined!?

I said "well as long as I have my manager with me as hes my partner too"

she said "no you cant have him there if hes your partner, its conflict of interest"

so that was a meeting I now I had to do and by myself. I felt sick

"why am I being punished? I was poorly I had a sick note from the doctor"

"people do feel like theyre being punished but it just to see if any chances can be made so they can keep you in work and not have as many days off. I believe you will fall under the disability act and as such they will have to support you"

I came off the phone and thanked her beforehand

then cried

I think it was cus I had had an hour of talking about  my health - which I HATE doing

and finding out im having a meeting, with no support to be potentially disciplined

Jack found me as I was opening the office door to let air in, I was hot

I was crying, he made me a tea and talked it out with me. I can have a friend there in the meeting and he said he would go as a friend and get his manager to go as hes still my manager just not direct line manager. its head of department and hes nice enough

i was left feeling quite drained tho by this point

luckily there was less than an hour to go

we got home and mum was home, she had been watering the garden with Ozwald

I had a brew with her and then we all left at the same time as I had doctors appt with Jack

they were running 40mins late so it about killed me off waiting in the car for him but had to be done I guess. Hes got to go to neurology and have a blood test. Its cus he has drop foot for the second time.

We came back and had dinner, then I had tummy ache - pulled pork leftovers strikes again

did 10mins of exercise as it was all I could manage

had a bath then just doing my diary whilst Oz eats me out of house and home

friday tomorrow

and then I would have done my first full week back this term XD

I hope I sleep tonight

stressed, tired and got my first test tomorrow

 Evening

To say Jack didnt come to bed with me last night I did actually sleep really well. Dont think I even noticed when he came to bed. I got up for a huge wee at 1:30am but soon fell back to sleep.

We didnt take Oz to daycare/mums as its not worth it. He came out the garage by himself so I think he is feeling a bit happier today. I noticed when I took him home this morning that he had eaten a fair amount of food during the night which I was relieved about as he had hardly ate all day yesterday including his carrot which isnt like Oz really. 

School was ok just at times very stressful - staff made is stressful

but its because it was open evening for the next year to come up so parents were bring up their year 6 children to see if they want to come to our school next year. It was made stressful as no one seemed to know what they were doing or what they wanted! I got stressed. For 15mins it felt like my medication was stuck in my throat from taking them at lunch. My stomach kept getting churned by anxiety and stress so it hurt. Bloody teachers >.>

We came home and I let Oz out who safe to say has made up for food from yesterday >.>  eating me out of house and home! we had a cup of tea and a piece of fruit loaf and sat for 30mins which took us up 4:50. It is now 8:40pm and we have just sat down. We had 20mins sit for dinner between then. But its just exhausting we've been up since 6:15am. Just none stop always something to do always chores always work. I never get to do anything for myself anymore. I was grateful for Jack doing me another biology test and stuff but on the whole. I just never get time for myself anymore.

This saturday morning is going to Jack's family as its his mum's birthday

the evening is going to his friends. So I have effectively lost my saturday as I will have chores to do between then. 

I envy people on instagram posting so much art each week or several times a week. I couldnt hope to achieve this!! But Jack says people like that often are night owls and have no job or life. Which I know in a lot of cases, is true. But still I do envy free time.

I will try not to moan. I should be grateful for everything I have

Im tired I know I am

So I am gonna take my bunny home in a minute. Going to give him some fuss then take him, hot chocolate then bed. I feel the bags under my eyes are actually pulling my eyes down!

Tomorrow

ugh tomorrow

another full on day

I have my first biology test just before midday, 2pm I have occupational health ringing for an hour. After school Jack has the doctors. 

so yeah another exhausting day

Slept deeply for the first time in months!!!! and I get praise ^^

 Pyon Pyon~~

I slept. Like deeply.....really odd. For me anyway XD

I woke up feeling like I had had a deep sleep. I found my phone on the floor but it lives on my bedside table I dont go to sleep reading my phone. So at some point I had knocked it off in my sleep and even that hadnt woke me!! So strange. I did nothing different tho......

So this morning, Oz didnt come out in the garden which isnt like him. I went to find him and found him sitting on the planks in the garage, i thought I would bring him in for morning carrot and he panicked in my arms as I got closer to the back door. I think he thought he was going in the carrying case - he didnt want to go daycare. I keeps massively stressing him out. 

I said I would give it another go as it means he wouldnt come out much during the winter months, but seeing so unhappy and stressed gets me het up as well. Also hes 4 now and only has a little heart, Id hate for the stress to get him to and he have a heart attack - it can happen!

So txt mum and told her about Oz that he would be staying home. I think this is it now. I think no more daycare. What was meant as a nice thing for him (company and exercise during my working hours) is just stressing him out now. He will be home tomorrow, I hope he comes out in the morning.

I was a little bit anxious about school but it was actually ok and I got it all done including the god forsaken online training. But yeah it was an alright day really. I was just shattered after it

mum was already here. She had done 30mins of gardening for us which was nice of her

I had a brew with her, whilst Jack wrote me some more biology test questions.

We did dinner, which was spicy noodles....Jack thought it was nice and not really spicy....

the first mouthful blew my face off, after the 3rd mouthful I lost the ability to taste anything, after the 6th mouthful I saw Jesus. 

After dinner, my lips were burning like id had the skin pulled from them, my throat burned and my stomach like all my intestines felt burnt!!! Jo does not do spice ><

After I recovered I prepped tomorrows dinner with Jack, then did my biology test and Jack kindly went through it again and I got 13/15! He praised me and said I am always improving ^^ He never makes me feel stupid. Which is how a lot of adults made me feel whilst growing up, which led to me not asking for help, which led to me struggling through my school life. I somehow passed my exams but barely 

I then did a choly ting work out and I was using my weights for the whole 15 mins but it about killed me off!!! Jesus! It wasnt even that 'bad' but god I was done

had a nice soak in the bath

Just looking at make up whilst Oz eats carrot in front of me. I have been thinking of wearing some but Im really into my skin care, I would hate to put something on my face which ruins my skin or makes me break out. So I have ordered a conditioning blush and conditioning lip. Different brands and I will see how it goes I guess. I havent worn make up since before corona!!

Jack is gaming tonight hes been gaming for an hour and I said if hes finishing at 9:30-10pm to not bother coming to bed with me and stay up til whenever as I like to be in bed for 9:30pm. So I am not sure when he will join me. He told me I can get him if I need to tho.

Tomorrow

school really, nothing special, not many pracs so I might get some art done!! <3

oh I was praised - not to my face - by dept head again today when she found out that I was responsible for the displays in science. She asked who did them as they were the best in school

damn straight ^^

sometimes its nice to be praised, other times I dont feel good enough for praise.

depends on what mental state I am in ^^;

better monday than last

 Evening

I slept pretty well despite having to wait for Jack to shower, get dressed and come to bed

We got ready for school, Oz was not feeling daycare

School was ok

I got a lot done, and the helper got all my pipettes washed! *0* I was so grateful as they were making me depressed!! I painted The Simpsons 3 eyed fish for a display and the teacher loved it XD Did some online training everyone in school has to do but its so tedious, got my practicals done. Got practicals tomorrow too but nothing major just messy ones. I have got an A-level one to practice this week tho

Jack's doctors appointment got cancelled annoyingly but hes rearranged for thursday

we picked Oz up on the way home and he was panting bless him, its the shortest journey ever

We got home and had a home made scone from Jack's step dad and a brew so that was nice

then Jack wrote me a proper science test as I need to practice before thursday. I got 13/19 but lost an easy 3 marks so I know where I need to improve and he is so supportive and good. I didnt do the test til after dinner tho. We started eating dinner outside which was nice but a wasp wouldnt leave us alone and jack doesnt do wasps so we came inside which was a shame.

After dinner I had stomach ache and laid on my bed. Pulled pork is just too rich for me I think as it keeps doing this to me.

I did my test then Jack went through it with me, did 10mins of exercise then had a bath

Just doing my diary with Oz and Jack is here now.

We will probably watch anime and go bed I am dead!! Anime we started watching is Demon eyes Kyo its from 2002 so its old and we only watched the first episode but like tsubasa I found it slow. Just a lot of staring at one another kinda thing. Not enough action all talk. Jack has told me to give it another episode at least before I cast judgement XD

Tomorrow

is school and hopefully I will see mum after school~ 

it was nice to complete this monday as last monday I went home crying and worked from home

Day spent apart

 Evening

I could not sleep last night due to the Live thing going off at a park 2 towns over. Its called Detonate and its literally a DJ in a park blasting out bass or NOISE cus my god thats all it sounded like last night and only started to fizzle out at 11:30pm. At which time I was up eating biscuits and Jack slept. I was in bed before 12 but it went past 12 by time I slept. Woke up at 7am

Had breakfast with Jack, cooked my meat and biscuits and cleaned the bathroom all before 9:15am which is when James came to collect Jack. Its 9:30pm and he is yet to return TT^TT

I have spent the day taking breaks and doing my biology work which came out well

then at 4pm I took Oz over to mums and cut his claws which got him quite stressed

I had dinner there and ate with my mum and dad as my brother wasn't home. So I didnt want to eat alone. I stayed til 7pm. 

I came back and did 10mins of exercise as I felt like if I did anymore I would be pushing myself despite the fact ive eaten nothing but bad stuff all day >< 

I then had a full on pamper in the bath, face pack, hair oil, hair mask. Then came out and dyed my eye lashes and eye brows and then sitting with a face sheet

as I finish writing this my Jack has just come home

got school tomorrow

id like to do a full week XD

hes got doctors after school 

shopping for like 3 hours this morning....

 Konbanwa~~

I only remembered about doing my diary at like 10pm last night so I didnt bother

Yesterday was ok, it was the first day were I have thought "I am actually getting over this cold" as I was actually starting to feel better....8 days later >.> 

school was busy but a bit lighter compared to other days this week, and I got a lot done! I almost caught up with my washing up but I still have plenty to do. Washing up actually breeds in my prep room. I said to Jack that I really hoped I would get some time to do some art today

and I did! I managed to put the backing up on the display, paint black biohazard symbols on it and let the paint run and drip it looks sick. then I made the border which is yellow and black stripped like hazard tape. It looks cool already and its not finished. Its for a nuclear display.

We got home, without Ozwald. Which was very strange indeed. It did not feel right, we both said it. But I was seeing mum later on that night so I said I would get Oz then

we had a rest and I did 20mins of exercise whilst Jack was in the shower. I about died as I was exhausted but needed to get it out the way and needed to keep going. We had dinner when he came out of the shower. Then I went in the bath and Jack went to game.

I was over at mum's at 6:30pm. she got in my car and I said "wheres you handbag?" 

she said "I dont need anything so didnt want to bring anything"

I said "mum go get your bag otherwise whats the point in coming!?"

she said "no im fine im just keeping you company"

so I drove us to tk maxx as I needed a few bits, I walked off getting what I needed which was face wash (as I dont like the one I am currently using), weights (mine gave me a sweat rash as theyre horrible, my old ones broke and these ones are awful), and a flower pot for Jack's nan's birthday

I found mum, she had 4 hangers over her arm

I said "so whats all this?"

she said "i know, but I just found them"

I said "I did say to take your bag with you"

she said "I can pay you back" T^T why mother why. just cus you dont NEED anything doesnt actually stop YOU from getting anything XD I managed to find face wash, new weights (even heavier ones I was well happy) a pot, a halloween mug, and of course I had so buy mum's stuff. Funny hers came to more than mine >.>

we got back to her house and she gave me a couple of cup cakes she made, I ate those and went to get Oz in who was sat on the decking in the dark. I had left him in the shed when we went out but yeah him just sitting there honestly looked like he was think "has she forgot to pick me up!?" he looked so lost and forgotten about it was very sweet and I wanted to squeeze the living day lights out of him. He sat on the sofa with me and I stayed half hour then came home with Oz.

He 'helped' me pack Miho's presents to send to Japan. I then unpacked all my stuff from TK, put Oz to bed and then made biscuits. When I was finished it was 9:50am I had been up since 6:20am I was dead.....Jack finished gaming just after 10pm. 

we watched the last episode of Tenchi Muyo, not sure what we will watch next!

we didnt realise that the last episode was an hour long....thought it was going on a bit! Thank god it wasnt a school night. We got into bed at 11:30pm....my god

I woke up at 7:30am and had a wee and did my teeth then dived on Jack who was still asleep, he said it was a nice way to wake up XD he made me breakfast which was fruit loaf and tea, which is why I woke him - food.

so this morning we did the sheer amount of errands we had to get done. We left the house at 8:50am

post office collection - for a missed parcel

post office - to send Miho's present.....cost £23 T^T + my car Tax £210

into the next town

butches - bacon sandwich which was Jacks breakfast

Boyes - plant feed and few housey things

savers - beauty and house products

jewellers - needed a new earring as one keeps reacting in my piercing

dropped stuff off to the car

poundshop - sweets and a pumpkin mug and pumpkin glass ^^

wilkos - storage box and outdoor paint for car tires

back to the car to drive to asda

did our weekly food shop round asda which was cheaper but more stressful as it was busy and full of not nice people really. I was getting quite stressed. 

I was exhausted.....

I drove us home it was 11:50am

we had been 3 hours!!!!

we had a brew and put stuff away and then made lunch then I went to die in my bed as I was just dead. I got up and cleaned out Ozwald

I chose a design for tonights nails, and sorted out beauty products and sat round a bit

did the dinner

now just doing my diary, I will do my work out, have a bath then do my nails ^^

tomorrow

Jack is going over to Birmingham with his family who are kindly picking him up at 9:30am

so I have the day to myself! I am going to do my biology work and got the bathroom to clean. Not got to make soup this week as I have loads in the freezer!! I will go over to my family's at 4pm for dinner then come home for a bath and Oz and get ready for school.

Mum has bathed the girls so I get to sit with the clean fluffy sows ^^