went home again to look after myself

 Evening

We played pokemon together in bed for over an hour. I was so determined to find a decent Buneary and I eventually got one. I took more pain killers and climbed into bed and slept through the night

I slept but I still felt drained of life when I woke up like my body was shaking and I had a headache. I started getting ready for school and whilst doing my skin care I thought about school and tears started running down my face. Jack came into my craft room and asked me which tea Id like and saw my tears "oh my Jo whats wrong!?" I said - pointing to my face - "this is JUST thinking about school"

I still went to school

the whole time feeling like I was gonna be sick and just wanting to go home

I looked at the day, I had 1 practical which was small and I got it prepped. I wrote out the lessons for Monday and got it all prepped and announced at 9:30am to Jack that I was going home

I need to look after myself

that job is not worth making myself poorly

So he walked me to reception. I felt so guilty leaving but I refused to shed any more tears at work this week. I went home and I went to bed

I got up and started doing the biology work I didnt do in class

mum came over for lunch it was good to see her

she got upset tho. I have made both Jack and Mum upset this week TT^TT

she just feels frustrated with it all and wishes she was here for me and wants to do more for me. Mental health just sucks. She is just annoyed with my illnesses in general. Its just all unfair

When she left I did more biology work then went to bed and sweated to death from having nightmares I couldnt wake up and it was 5pm when I woke up, it was dark and i had no idea where Oz was. I just couldnt wake up I couldnt escape the nightmare. Worked out it was because i had not had my meds at lunch so I got them down me (literally cant be trusted with my meds) and I found Oz in his cage thank god and I brought him in

Jack came home shortly after, he had made his own way home and had to go through the city centre and he kindly brought us doughnuts! They look so good we are gonna halve them so we can have both.

I was relieved to have him home. He was suppose to have gaming for the first time in 5 weeks and I wasnt looking forward to him leaving me for 4 hours but I thought it would do him good to play and talk with his friends. He told me he wasnt playing tonight....he wasnt in the mood. He is too tired and just wants to be with me and Oz. I was so relieved. I felt so selfish but its his decision. So we are gonna play pokemon in bed and we have doughnuts soon too. I said we would have a bath first then have dessert. 

I might have a few dances on just dance as my exercise tonight

I also have the job of finding Jack some jeans online as his work jeans have worn a 2" hole in the crotch area so I said I would do that for him. 

Tomorrow

we are meeting harvey and theo at 10am for pudding pantry breakfast. I looked at the menu last night and all there dishes I like half of it but not the other half what comes with it so I said to Jack I would just have some ice cream as I will enjoy that more.

not sure what we're doing after that. Probably rest and recover. I have biology work to do as well for school, some digital work.

I got through the week but had two days of working from home but need to catch up on that work over the weekend. i am hoping next week at work will not be as horrible.

Crying my eyes out at work, a good friend passes away

 Evening

We played pokemon together in bed for a whole hour last night it was healing I enjoyed my time with Jack, being warm cuddled up and playing pokemon together. Sad thing is that my tens machine isnt working very well so I need a new one T^T it is old but I HATE spending money on my health >.>

I didnt sleep that well, I had nightmares and was dripping with sweat in the night and when I woke up this morning. I also felt dizzy this morning, I would have LOVED a shower but no time for that

soon realised why I was the way I was - I had forgotten AGAIN to take my antidepressant 

FOR GODS SAKE JO ITS NOT HARD!!!! I have forgotten to take meds so many times this year its untrue. Im on my 11th year now of taking meds, youd think Id be good at it! But I guess when you take 17 tablets a day its easy to miss one, if I took 2 tablets a day youd notice easily if one was missing

I got to school

cant tell you how many times I cried today, seriously lost count.

I just wasnt good. I knew I wasnt

then I had a txt from lynn saying "just letting you know that Den passed away on tuesday"

no bloody way

my heart sank. it didnt feel real

I was ok, for all of 5 mins

Jack came in and asked if I was ok, and I told him and just broke down in tears and then had a big crying sobbing fit about how unfair my life was. That I hated my illness, being in constant pain, not sleeping, having to endure work like this, that my weekends go to recovery, for what? Ill be dead soon as well!

Poor Jack

he has had his hands full this week with me

I cried all morning but stayed at school as I wanted to go to my biology lesson, I didnt want to miss it

I composed myself for my lesson but I knew my face was red, blotchy and swollen. I still went. We had a 5min video and only when it ended did I realise I hadnt been listening to a word of it. Luke then got the text books out and we had a fair amount of textbook work to do which meant reading. Reading small black txt on a white page whilst tired, not in the right frame of mind, with a classroom of chatty teenagers. I picked my stuff up and left the room to have a cry in office

I was annoyed at myself for having another obstacle in my life - my dyslexia. It felt like just another kick in the teeth, something for me to struggle with. So I have since photocopied the page onto green and I will do the work in my own time

chris saw me out side the prep room and said I looked like I needed a hug - hes never hugged me - and I said "no ill cry" he hugged me and I cried! he took me into the prep room and we talked about stuff and the teacher came for her textbook id borrowed for luke's lesson and I told chris I didnt have my own textbook and that I had a dyslexic meltdown, he says he might be able to help me. If he cant he says school can buy me my own textbook

we had lunch but I didnt feel like it to be honest

Chris found me again after lunch, I was just silently crying to myself (like I said I was BAD today) he was like "yeah youre really not good today" 

I got my lessons prepped and a few bits done, I felt so sad and defeated. I knew I looked bloody terrible and peoples shocked expressions when I looked at them, but none of science had the guts to ask if I was ok XD im glad as id only reply with "im fine" anyway.

We came home and Jack did me fruit loaf and tea but I didnt really want it. Food has been giving me tummy ache.

we went for a walk and I called by to give mummy a hug. I didnt take off my shoes or jacket I was just in the hall for a few minutes talking to her and she gave me a cuddle and told jack he does well as its not easy.

we came home and did dinner then sat, Oz has got tummy ache again so we had to clean him before our walk I think we need to clean him again. Not sure whats upset him tho as were not giving him treats its really strange.

I plan on having a bath, early night with pokemon again

I said to mum and Jack that if I dont sleep tonight that I am not going school tomorrow as there will be nothing left of me. I am depleted of all life. I feel so defeated on everything. I have burned out.

I cant pity myself. Its lynn who is suffering, shes lost her husband. Someone who I got to know through her, he was always so generous to me and would have given me anything. He loved lynn as well, even when they had fall outs I could always see how much they loved one another. he was such a character, and I know he is going to missed by a lot of people. Lynn says she feels lonely and empty. I can not imagine her pain. I would want to die if I didnt have Jack. I hope I can see her soon

didnt last long did it

 Evening

I was up til midnight cus why not, I dont need sleep do I? but once I was off I did sleep

School wasnt too bad I guess, I didnt have a lot on I guess but I was just tired and bit grouchy. I snapped at Jack but knew I was in the wrong so I apologised right away but it made me shed 2 tears just cus Id snapped at my Jack and I didnt like that. He was totally fine with it and said with me being so tired and in pain im bound to be crabby. He so understanding *0* 

I got all my jobs done he gave me to do so that was an achievement and Jack made sure I knew it was an achievement and not just dwell on how many breaks I had had today - how does he know how I think!?

We got home and had a quick cup of tea and fruit loaf then went for a walk. It was dark but Jack suggested it and said it might do me some good. He was right and I wasnt too grouchy about it XD

we got back and made biscuits whilst Jack did a few jobs then we sat down to eat sausage casserole which was dead tasty

I had a hot bath then just doing my diary

going to take my demanding bunny home, we plan on trying to have an early night so we can play pokemon!!! woo! really enjoying diamond~

tomorrow is school then seeing mummy after school~

please god let me sleep. its really getting me down

bloody slept!!!

 Evening

I took medicated sleeping tablet last night, I played pokemon for 20mins in bed with my tens machine and then after that I was gone. It was then 6:15am and my alarm was going off

I HAD SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT

God I could have cried, it felt like an achievement and a relief. What a relief

I was still anxious this morning but I was able to cope with it a lot better

so school felt better, I was anxious but it wasnt getting overwhelming like yesterday. Jack told me that until further notice I will be preparing head of biology's lesson (unless I really cant handle it) and he will be giving it out and bringing it back in again. This is to take a stress from me as she is quite literally making me ill. Which Jack did tell head of science about today actually. So yeah thats come to light I guess. I wanted to go home at lunch tho, I was flagging and had had enough. but I somehow got through my long afternoon T^T 

I got a lot done today and Jack says he  proud of me ^^

I told mum I wasnt seeing her as Id had enough, id seen her yesterday and also turns out she had a bad headache. We came in and Jack made me fruit loaf as I was hungry so very very hungry. It gave me tummy ache tho >< then I did the noodles which I didnt really want and they too gave me tummy ache so I was on the bed for 10mins but got up as I knew I had my stew to prepare for the morning.

Now I am just in the living room with my boys. We constantly have Oz in hes very sweet and its lovely having him there. Even if he is harassing us for food constantly, we always make sure he has food and water when hes inside. He now just snoring as Jack plays pokemon on the tv

I need to do some form of exercise but I am sooooo tired I have no idea what exercise I will manage. Yesterday I managed 25mins of yoga but not sure tonight. Id like to try something :/

tomorrow is school TT^TT

im not taking sleeping tablet tonight so we shall see how the night goes...

cried twice before 9:30am, slept 5 hours during the day

 Konbanwa~~

I couldnt sleep last night. I even laid in bed playing pokemon whilst hooked up to my tens machine. I was up and out of bed twice taking more and more pain killers. I tried to wake jack he cuddles my arm and made a noise but I took that as he didnt want to get up (turns out he had done all this in sleep and didnt remember any of this) I stayed up til 2am wanting nothing more than to sleep and not wake up for a long long time.

Morning came round and I almost fell back to sleep from turning my alarm off. All my body needed was rest and sleep but no i had to get ready for school

I felt so anxious about school but I think it was just because of how shattered I was. I was on 4 hours sleep and havent been sleeping properly in general.

I was shaking round the prep room, brought vile up twice, was panting and had to use my inhaler. I just wasnt good. I focused on my practicals and got 2/3 done. I did tomorrows sheet and prepped my lessons. I told Jack I wasnt good I mean he knew but i was in tears by this point. He asked me what I was finding difficult and I said "everything, I want to be away when the practicals come round as I cant handle it. I am so tired" he told me he would sort it all out and that I could just do computer work today.

I started doing the computer work but just felt like breaking down crying. I looked at the time. It was only 9:30am.....only that much time had passed and I felt this crap. I cried and told Jack I am going home. He said I could work from home or just sleep.

I got home and went straight to bed. But just getting home I felt relief. I am unsure how I even got home as even walking to my car my legs were so shaky.

I was in bed for 2 hours and then mum came to have lunch with me and we ate with Oz too which was nice. She stayed for an hour and I went to bed for a further 3 hours!! jesus! how have I managed to sleep so much today!? so by time I woke up it was 4pm and jack was on his way home so I havent really been left alone today as I have just been asleep for it all.

Jack came in and he cuddled me and such, I told him that I havent actually worked today I have been asleep for 5 hours. He said it was fine and I must have needed it. I can make the hours up when I feel up to it. I said I would do it over the weekend as i know what I want to do from home. 

Turns out he had been upset at work....my jack...upset and i wasnt there for him

He was upset at  how much I am struggling, doesnt know how to make things better for me and got talked to rudely by head of biology - who always treats me like utter dog crap. But she had the nerve to treat Jack like it today and I think he just cracked a bit and ended up talking to science teacher about it all he gets along with. Hes having a meeting with head of science tomorrow...

he came in and ate a doughnut and had a whisky and has since had a cider....he says he feels better for having a drink, being home, seeing me and Oz. I am glad he is feeling better. I was upset as I thought I had stressed him out but he said he wasnt upset with me he is just annoyed with certain things and members at school.....i hope he doesnt let loose too much tomorrow

so he did me fruit loaf and tea and then I did dinner which luckily was easy

now hes  chilling out on pokemon. I might do a bit of yoga but in all honesty I dont have a lot of energy so I am not gonna over do it.

I plan on taking medicated sleeping tablets tonight for some actual sleep and fingers crossed it works.

tomorrow is school. I am gonna go and I hope I can do the day 

done my second science test

 Good Evening

we were in bed for 9pm playing pokemon~ At 10:30pm I couldnt bare the aches any longer so got up for pain killers with Jack, tried to sleep but it wasnt happening and he was still playing pokemon so he got up with me for a second time (he had a total play time of 10 hours by this point) and I took more tablets....yeah it wasnt a good night. We were up til midnight. I woke up at 7:30am and woke Jack up at 8am

We did the food shop which I was not in the mood for and needed the inhaler round the shop as my anxiety was taking my breath away, what am I even freakin anxious about!?

We got back and brought Ozwald in

then we didnt have to make my soup or hoover up this week! So I went to bed XD I was so tired but really peed off that I was wasting time going bed. So Jack said he would play pokemon next to me. he woke me up at 12:30pm for lunch :)

we had lunch then I sat quietly in my craft room doing a bit science stuff in my sketchbook as I havent been doing it lately and I also needed to revise for my test. I stayed here for 3 hours then did my test which I did very well with but I just need the answers to one questions tomorrow to see how many marks I actually got. But I know I have done well so I dont feel ashamed to tell Luke my score. I have been worried about the test tho I have to say

I did dinner then, and now I am gonna go on just dance for a few songs and have a bath, watch anime and there might be time for pokemon. I didnt do a walk today as there was a really bitter wind today and I didnt fancy being out it. Heck even Oz hasnt been out today. He went out for a wee this morning then thats it. Hes been inside since like 2:30 and its 7pm now XD we feed him and hes got a bowl of water which he loves and its very cute watching him. But hes been quiet today. Just sitting round in a ball mainly.

tomorrow is school TT^TT I dont wanna go school tomorrow!!!!!! Julia is back tho :) and it shouldnt be horrific as last week....

magnifying Harvey's willy

 Evening

So we were in bed for 8:45pm on a friday XD Simply to play pokemon

I was playing til 10:20 and I was tired, my god my eyes were literally burning

I was enjoying myself and pokemon diamond but I was too tired to go on

not to mention  I ACHED

So we got up - Jack still with switch in hand - I took pain killers and he made me hot cross bun which was a very nice late night snack~ We went to bed at 11pm and the next thing I knew it was 8:50am!

I felt sooooooooooo exhausted and flat this morning

like my body was shutting down cus it NEEDED rest

I was flopping round on the bed and Jack motivated me and said that I wouldnt want to waste my weekend in bed after a crappy week

so i got up and I cleaned Oz out. I didnt want to go to the shops as I felt I couldnt cope right then with people....

I went over to mum's at 11am and mainly sat on her bed. Dad was home and was just annoying but it was nice to see her

I came home for lunch, we brought Oz inside whilst we had lunch

I went to bed after lunch but couldnt sleep so I got up and had a go at the pokemon box frame I want to do but it soon became apparent that  i didnt have enough stuff to fill the box so I ordered a couple of more jigglypuff things online and also some nail varnish ^^

We went for a walk down the river around 3pm then we went to TK MAXX as I could face it. It was actually quite busy. I got hot chocolate so I was well happy :D we went to B&M and Jack got cider so he was well happy. We took my ID and didnt need it - typical

we got home and fruit loaf and tea with Oz and then had a bath then we did dinner

I did some practice questions Jack wrote for me. He used harvey's willy as the example going under the microscope....he drew an image and everything...guys dont grow up do they XD I did find it funny and sent a picture to harvey he was not impressed XD

Now I am gonna watch anime with hot chocolate with my jack, paint my nails, then were going to bed to play pokemon! Jack has played on it a fair amount of hours today but has been doing the underground so its like a side extra, so hes only done 1 gym. Hes caught me a level 16 houndoom :3 love houndoom

tomorrow

shopping~ dont need much and cus I have too much soup in freezer I dont need to make soup for the week so thats one less thing to do! also got my test to do