another day off another round of cover art

 Evening

Ah last night was not good....

We played pokemon together and stuff and I felt tired and watched Jack play

He turned his switch off and went to sleep

I tried but couldnt sleep so I got up, took pain killers, came to bed but by this point Jack had 'man spread' he was on my side of the bed!!! So I tried to push him but he didnt budge or wake up T^T so unfair how deep that guy sleeps. So I crawled up and tried to sleep. He moved and so I moved over and then he spread again, crushing me! then elbowed me in the head. I decided at this point I just wasnt meant to sleep normally like all the other humans and so got up

from 12 - 3:30am I as drawing for school. My thoughts had taken a turn for the worse, pain killers were full of air. So I figured if I did my work during the night then I can sleep during the day

so I got this one done during the night for the space topic

I came to bed at 3:30 and I fell asleep pretty fast

I woke up to my alarm and I think in my half sleep like state I just declared to the world that I couldnt do it anymore, I had had enough. I just wanted to die. Jack cuddled me and almost looked in tears

I told him about my night, he said I should have woken him....

I took him to work but said I wasnt gonna pick him up too I just needed rest

so after dropping him off - made him late as I was crying this morning despite me saying I didnt want to cry this week but I think it was sheer exhaustion that made me cry. I came home and went to bed for 2 hours and felt more myself for that

I got up and worked, made some biscuits, mum came over for an hour and I had my lunch then I did some more drawing, fell asleep for an hour and did some more drawing and got this one finished for the light topic

I did a few things round the house to help Jack as hes been doing my job all day so I did some of his chores but he told me to rest

he came home and after a sit and catch up we had dinner

then I had a bath, and just sitting with a face mask whilst I do my diary. we are gonna watch anime, play pokemon and attempt sleep. I havent exercised today and I havent stopped eating. I decided I would rest and nourish my body in the hopes that  I will be ok tomorrow for school as I have my biology lesson and doing a practical!!!! 

but god knows what the night will bring

please please let me sleep,  I am VERY tempted to take sleeping tablets if I am honest. I will talk to Jack see what he thinks

the first of many covers

 Evening

I did 40mins of bunny yoga last night, by which I mean I did yoga with Oz XD towards the end I am doing down dogs and had a baggy top on so I couldnt always see, I didnt want to kick him so I gave him some dry food and he sat eating that the last 10mins. So he did 30mins of bunny yoga XD its so cute, I get my face, arms, neck, ears licked by him. Dont need a shower afterwards! He loves it and thinks youre doing it all for him. I took him home and had a bath. 

I got into bed at 8:45pm and looked at my phone, I had a txt off my brother saying he had managed to get the new job he was interviewed for last monday!! I was so happy for him and relieved. I was gonna call him but it was late. So I got up out of bed and went on my laptop for 5mins and ordered him a card. I want to show I am bothered and I am proud of him. He will be working for a clothing company as a junior photo editor!

Jack came to bed at this time, he finished gaming with harvey and theo so he could play pokemon with, honestly best of both worlds that guy. All the books from the book shelves had been left all over my craft room floor (literally can only just get in and out of there!) so he could go game >.> but its fine

I got to sleep around 11pm, woke up at 4:30am for a wee then got back to sleep but still felt exhausted when I woke up. I am fed up of waking up and feeling on low battery all the god damn time T^T

I was stupidly anxious this morning. Why!? My stomach felt like a washing machine, I felt so sick. When I was in the prep room I was actually going dizzy and my vision wasnt great, I was unsteady on my feet. Jack was concerned and kept telling me to sit down. I knew I wasnt well tho. My body was shaking and shivering despite the fact it was anything but cold in that prep room. I could feel tears at the back of my eyes. Its just anxiety and mental health. Mine is just really bad the moment.

I told Jack I couldnt cope and was going home as this week I need to look after myself and I refuse to cry at work!!

I came home and went to bed, I got up and did some digital drawing for school

I had a stretch in my seat just putting my arms above my head and leaning back but in doing so my chair tipped back!!! I knew books were right behind me, I didnt want to damage them so I somehow quickly twisted (it was like all in slow motion some how!) and I fell to the side the chair narrowly missing the books. I hurt the muscles in the side of my back and I have bruised my knee cap and even got a carpet burn on it!!! 10mins later mummy showed up

I had lunch with mum and then continued working on the picture, emailing it to Jack at work as he was asking teachers opinions and such. 

So it slowly evolved. This is for the topic Adaptation + Inheritance

the staff loved it obviously XD so I am hoping thats the first of many front covers done!

We print in black and white so I am not gonna bother colouring it in

I had to go pick Jack up, I couldnt be bothered but its fine I got on with it. I did guilt him on the way home saying I had an accident in my craft room cus of him. Because he chose to game instead of clearing the books away. He said I should have fell on them and damaged them. But I would never do that! I said I needed compensating he asked if i accepted sexual favours.......XD men

we got home and had a cup of tea and then he started putting the books away and I did the dinner by myself. We had noodles which ended up just looking and smelling like a fancy pop noodle but Jack enjoyed it.

I cut the meat up for the stew tomorrow then doing my diary

I plan to go on just dance in a bit then having a bath then playing pokemon in bed. I dont think Jack is gaming tonight so maybe I might get anime too :3

tomorrow is school, and I dont have shed loads to do but I have enough to be getting on with

I just hope I can bloody cope

I want sleep and rest

4 hours sleep for a monday morning

 Evening

Did I get to sleep last night? course not >3> 

Honestly it is so unfair!!!!

I took Ozwald home and went for a bath at 8pm and then played pokemon by myself in bed til 9:30pm Jack came to bed at 9:45pm and I stayed up watching him play pokemon as I couldnt sleep

too much anxiety about school ><

he turned his switch off at midnight and asked if I was ok, I replied "yeah....."

he fell asleep 0.0 as fast as that!!! He was so fast falling asleep

I was so envious....

I got up and stayed up til 2am, I had some fruit loaf as I was so hungry by this point, it has been 8 hours since I had last eaten I guess

I came to bed after taking more pain killers and I slept til my alarm of 6:15pm T^T 4 hours sleep for a monday morning

I defrosted the snow off my car, there was still snow everywhere....

I didnt want to go to school, just didnt want to go really

I got there and got on with stuff, feeling like my eyes were being pulled down

when I looked in the mirror in the toilets I looked pale and had dark rings under my eyes

I looked awful

I thought about going home, but didnt want to leave Jack to find his own way home. So I decided I would literally do the bare minimum today

I refuse to cry this week

so I ether stayed at school and hardly do much (which is so boring and makes my day so long) or I go home and get more done but only digital work. If I worked myself hard at school I knew it would quite literally end in tears

So I have hardly done much at school. Its so dull and it feels like such a waste of life 

we came home and theres still snow in the garden! 

I had a cup of tea but didnt want fruit loaf really, I had some chocolate instead. We brought Oz in straight away so he's enjoying the living room bless him. 

I made dinner, I had left over chips I had made yesterday, 2 sausage and an egg. I made Jack an amazing dinner, he had a mini baguette and on it I put 4 sausages, 2 hash browns, 2 eggs and wrapped it in tin foil so it was easier for him to eat it. He couldnt believe his luck he was well happy with that as he thought he was just getting a sausage cob XD love making food he likes

I am just with Oz now, I have got to do some form of exercise and have a bath and stuff. Jack is gonna go game soon now I have got him fed and washed.

I plan on playing pokemon by myself in bed tho :)

tomorrow is school, not much on practical wise so I may be ok

I just need sleep. I feel so drained like I have done all day. 

Sometimes my thoughts are quite bad in the middle of the night but its just cus im fed up of it all

Snow Again!?

 Konbanwa

I was up til 1am I couldnt switch off and then of course I was aching

I slept through the night after pain killers and woke up at 8am with a headache

we went for our food shop, which was uneventful

when we came home I just had a cup of tea instead of having a snack as well

we made my soup, I cooked my breakfast meat, I made biscuits. I was in that kitchen 90mins!

After lunch I went to bed but couldnt sleep so I got up

It was snowing lightly so I said to Jack I wanted to go for a walk in it, and it came down more whilst we were out then all afternoon it has snowed heavily, heck my friend has even made a full on snowman!

Jack was hoovering the living room and discovered we have quite the mould problem....I mean I realised our window frames in several rooms were going black again but the mould issue round the patio door....its all up the curtains, the book cases, the walls....I told Jack to leave it for another weekend but he wouldnt hear of it. Saying that black mould is really bad for asthma. But because he was doing this we had to empty the book cases out so all books are in my craft room. The living stunk of mould remover which smells like heavy bleach, stuff everywhere. So Oz couldnt play inside for hours and he didnt want to play out in the snow ether XD

When dinner time came round I brought Oz in

hes soooooo much better today, hes full of beans! Hes so lively! He must be feeling better in himself today which I am glad of. I am grateful he pulled through ^^ So I spent time fussing him ^^

Jack is gaming tonight but said he didnt have to but I said he could, that Id be fine

despite bringing up sick twice whilst eating my dinner ^^; anxiety sucks

he says I can grab him if I need him

I have been working on the art piece for school, designing a science mascot. I have made them gender neutral

Think of giving them a gender neutral name of Jamie or Alex too

I was glad to get it finished for work anyway~

I can not believe the snow tho, fingers crossed that school boiler breaks :D

Actual snow in November!

 Konbanwa~

We played pokemon in bed together til nearly 11pm! I took some more pain killers and fell asleep til 8am which was a huge relief as I didnt feel too corpsed when i woke up

But when I did wake up I noticed something....

it was snowing....

like really snowing and settling....

what the hell!? its november!! we dont see snow til January/February usually

it was quite shocking to be honest

we were suppose to see harvey and theo but I told Jack that I was not going out in this!

However over the hour it turned to sleet and eventually stopped

really weird 

My Ozwald tho...

yesterday I thought he was a bit off, like I wondered if he had tummy ache. Also when I picked him up he bit me which is totally out of character - he did lick me afterwards to say sorry

Today tho when I got him out first thing I noticed was his bum was a bit gross so Jack helped me clean him up. I went to clean him out and he didnt help much. I cleaned the bathroom then locked him up and we went out to pudding pantry

we met up and I had a cookie dough which was nice and just the right amount I took my time and managed to eat it all. It was good to see the guys, it does me good to see people even if I am not feeling it. jack had a full breakfast.

We came home and I went straight to check on Oz. We had only been out 90mins so I hadnt left him too long but when I entered the garage I noticed the smell.....yeah I could smell him bless him.

I picked him up and yup he was a mess. so I carried him quickly into the house not wanting to get poo on my clothes. I shouted Jack and we cleaned him up but he had tummy ache I could see it. 

I googled what could be wrong with him as I didnt know what was upsetting him, he wasnt having anything out of the norm. Turns out I think I was feeding him too much pellets. I was putting pellets down whilst he was in the house but didnt think to give him hay also and he NEEDS the hay.

Understood!

So I have been giving him little bits and pieces took keep him topped up with food to keep his stomach ticking over, its not good for them to stop eating and drinking as they go down hill so fast. I gave him fuss and more fuss and made sure he had access to water which he did drink.

Eventually he passed 'normal' poos so I was relieved and to be honest I think he was! he started hopping round and gave me lots of licks. I think he understands I was trying to help. I have kept him inside all day as its been horrible out there and it said to keep them warm when bunnies are feeling off. Also Jack has pretty much spend his day gaming on pokemon on the TV in the living room so he has been with Oz and tells me if he eats any hay or anything.

But Oz seems to be sitting more comfortably now at least. So I believe hes through the worst of it. I will find something to put hay in

I had a sleep during the day

I did some digital drawing for school

I rang my mum (which made me feel better as my stomach was in knots with Oz)

I cooked dinner which I didnt really want so I didnt have much to be honest but I am glad I didnt have much! Now I need to do some exercise. I am wondering if to dance to one of my Buono! Dvds 

I went on just dance yesterday which I enjoyed but I did it without the weights

we are gonna play pokemon in bed again tonight ^^ its really soothing to do it

tomorrow

got weekly food shop and food to make and cook. I am gonna be in that kitchen for some time....

I just hope my bunny its up to full strength tomorrow~

went home again to look after myself

 Evening

We played pokemon together in bed for over an hour. I was so determined to find a decent Buneary and I eventually got one. I took more pain killers and climbed into bed and slept through the night

I slept but I still felt drained of life when I woke up like my body was shaking and I had a headache. I started getting ready for school and whilst doing my skin care I thought about school and tears started running down my face. Jack came into my craft room and asked me which tea Id like and saw my tears "oh my Jo whats wrong!?" I said - pointing to my face - "this is JUST thinking about school"

I still went to school

the whole time feeling like I was gonna be sick and just wanting to go home

I looked at the day, I had 1 practical which was small and I got it prepped. I wrote out the lessons for Monday and got it all prepped and announced at 9:30am to Jack that I was going home

I need to look after myself

that job is not worth making myself poorly

So he walked me to reception. I felt so guilty leaving but I refused to shed any more tears at work this week. I went home and I went to bed

I got up and started doing the biology work I didnt do in class

mum came over for lunch it was good to see her

she got upset tho. I have made both Jack and Mum upset this week TT^TT

she just feels frustrated with it all and wishes she was here for me and wants to do more for me. Mental health just sucks. She is just annoyed with my illnesses in general. Its just all unfair

When she left I did more biology work then went to bed and sweated to death from having nightmares I couldnt wake up and it was 5pm when I woke up, it was dark and i had no idea where Oz was. I just couldnt wake up I couldnt escape the nightmare. Worked out it was because i had not had my meds at lunch so I got them down me (literally cant be trusted with my meds) and I found Oz in his cage thank god and I brought him in

Jack came home shortly after, he had made his own way home and had to go through the city centre and he kindly brought us doughnuts! They look so good we are gonna halve them so we can have both.

I was relieved to have him home. He was suppose to have gaming for the first time in 5 weeks and I wasnt looking forward to him leaving me for 4 hours but I thought it would do him good to play and talk with his friends. He told me he wasnt playing tonight....he wasnt in the mood. He is too tired and just wants to be with me and Oz. I was so relieved. I felt so selfish but its his decision. So we are gonna play pokemon in bed and we have doughnuts soon too. I said we would have a bath first then have dessert. 

I might have a few dances on just dance as my exercise tonight

I also have the job of finding Jack some jeans online as his work jeans have worn a 2" hole in the crotch area so I said I would do that for him. 

Tomorrow

we are meeting harvey and theo at 10am for pudding pantry breakfast. I looked at the menu last night and all there dishes I like half of it but not the other half what comes with it so I said to Jack I would just have some ice cream as I will enjoy that more.

not sure what we're doing after that. Probably rest and recover. I have biology work to do as well for school, some digital work.

I got through the week but had two days of working from home but need to catch up on that work over the weekend. i am hoping next week at work will not be as horrible.

Crying my eyes out at work, a good friend passes away

 Evening

We played pokemon together in bed for a whole hour last night it was healing I enjoyed my time with Jack, being warm cuddled up and playing pokemon together. Sad thing is that my tens machine isnt working very well so I need a new one T^T it is old but I HATE spending money on my health >.>

I didnt sleep that well, I had nightmares and was dripping with sweat in the night and when I woke up this morning. I also felt dizzy this morning, I would have LOVED a shower but no time for that

soon realised why I was the way I was - I had forgotten AGAIN to take my antidepressant 

FOR GODS SAKE JO ITS NOT HARD!!!! I have forgotten to take meds so many times this year its untrue. Im on my 11th year now of taking meds, youd think Id be good at it! But I guess when you take 17 tablets a day its easy to miss one, if I took 2 tablets a day youd notice easily if one was missing

I got to school

cant tell you how many times I cried today, seriously lost count.

I just wasnt good. I knew I wasnt

then I had a txt from lynn saying "just letting you know that Den passed away on tuesday"

no bloody way

my heart sank. it didnt feel real

I was ok, for all of 5 mins

Jack came in and asked if I was ok, and I told him and just broke down in tears and then had a big crying sobbing fit about how unfair my life was. That I hated my illness, being in constant pain, not sleeping, having to endure work like this, that my weekends go to recovery, for what? Ill be dead soon as well!

Poor Jack

he has had his hands full this week with me

I cried all morning but stayed at school as I wanted to go to my biology lesson, I didnt want to miss it

I composed myself for my lesson but I knew my face was red, blotchy and swollen. I still went. We had a 5min video and only when it ended did I realise I hadnt been listening to a word of it. Luke then got the text books out and we had a fair amount of textbook work to do which meant reading. Reading small black txt on a white page whilst tired, not in the right frame of mind, with a classroom of chatty teenagers. I picked my stuff up and left the room to have a cry in office

I was annoyed at myself for having another obstacle in my life - my dyslexia. It felt like just another kick in the teeth, something for me to struggle with. So I have since photocopied the page onto green and I will do the work in my own time

chris saw me out side the prep room and said I looked like I needed a hug - hes never hugged me - and I said "no ill cry" he hugged me and I cried! he took me into the prep room and we talked about stuff and the teacher came for her textbook id borrowed for luke's lesson and I told chris I didnt have my own textbook and that I had a dyslexic meltdown, he says he might be able to help me. If he cant he says school can buy me my own textbook

we had lunch but I didnt feel like it to be honest

Chris found me again after lunch, I was just silently crying to myself (like I said I was BAD today) he was like "yeah youre really not good today" 

I got my lessons prepped and a few bits done, I felt so sad and defeated. I knew I looked bloody terrible and peoples shocked expressions when I looked at them, but none of science had the guts to ask if I was ok XD im glad as id only reply with "im fine" anyway.

We came home and Jack did me fruit loaf and tea but I didnt really want it. Food has been giving me tummy ache.

we went for a walk and I called by to give mummy a hug. I didnt take off my shoes or jacket I was just in the hall for a few minutes talking to her and she gave me a cuddle and told jack he does well as its not easy.

we came home and did dinner then sat, Oz has got tummy ache again so we had to clean him before our walk I think we need to clean him again. Not sure whats upset him tho as were not giving him treats its really strange.

I plan on having a bath, early night with pokemon again

I said to mum and Jack that if I dont sleep tonight that I am not going school tomorrow as there will be nothing left of me. I am depleted of all life. I feel so defeated on everything. I have burned out.

I cant pity myself. Its lynn who is suffering, shes lost her husband. Someone who I got to know through her, he was always so generous to me and would have given me anything. He loved lynn as well, even when they had fall outs I could always see how much they loved one another. he was such a character, and I know he is going to missed by a lot of people. Lynn says she feels lonely and empty. I can not imagine her pain. I would want to die if I didnt have Jack. I hope I can see her soon