First day back, greeted with rotting meat

 Evening

could I sleep last night? could I bob

been sleeping great, and I go back to school and sleep flies right out the window

I just couldnt switch off. In the end I had to get up with Jack cus I was just aching, I had been there too long. So we got up at 11pm for half hour. But even then it was gone midnight when I got off to sleep T^T Life is cruel. I got up at 5am for a wee then slept til my alarm.

I felt ok about going school tho. I mean of course I didnt want to attend, but I wasnt anxious in the slightest. Really weird. All my anxiety must have gone to my brother who was starting his new job today. I hope he got on ok, I wished him the best!

School was boring first thing as it was a whole staff meeting but on teams, I was just txting

Then around 9am we went to do our own work

however, Julia rang down to us. She said

"there was blood outside the freezer so I opened it up and the smell....the freezer has tripped out"

so the freezer which houses 10 frozen Ox hearts and 10 rats, had tripped out at some point over the holidays....meaning the meat was left to go bad. It had defrosted and leaked out pints of blood everywhere. I did not want to be in the room. The smell was overwhelming. Especially first thing in the morning.

Lizzie came across, her art room faces Julia's room. She said her fridge had tripped out and shes been cleaning mould out her fridge it stinks. I showed her our own hell

She offered to help but we got to do it and just somehow got on with it

I hadnt got any gloves up there to wear and was in a very nice outfit - jack's sisters skirt with matching leg warmers, my new beige trainers, and a gothic shirt. I was no prepared to be cleaning up ox blood. So I grabbed a mop and was constantly mopping the floor so the blood wouldnt spread or make their shoes gross. Jack was handling the meat and putting in the bin, Julia was washing down the drawers. It was horrendous

after that task I told the teachers to not ask for anything til we had had a cup of tea

SOD OFF!!!

the day was just hard, just everything was effort

I was quite down, as it was only 2pm and I was THIS tired. Already, this early into term and the week and I was this tired. so it starts again. The burn out starts. Its so depressing. I literally live to work. Work a stressful, poorly paid, thankless job. We did contemplate job hunting on the way home....

Jack went to the shops and brought potatoes as i need them for practicals 

but one in the packet had an arse crack! honestly had a huge crack and two cheeks!!!

so i grabbed it and showed one biologist and she sniggered

then I burst in Luke's room, blurted "look Luke this potato has an arse crack!"

he was trying to keep a straight face, I did not realise he was in an online meeting.....

I legged it outta there XD

I went to show another biologist the potato and she laughed, then I told her about what I did with Luke and she burst out laughing ><; I like making people laugh

My immaturity had gotten the better of me there tho XD

I came back and Jack was like "you still showing people that potato?! leave that and go and do some work!" XD

we came home and saw mummy for tea. well me and her had tea

jack had whisky...jack was stressed and even had tension headache....poor jack

he had been stressed by the many teachers today ><

mum helped me do Oz's claws, Jack watched as he will be helping next time!

Mum left and I did the dinner but also prepped stew for the morning

we had dinner with Oz, and then I tried doing 2 10min Choly Ting videos. Well Oz was all over me!! I cant work with him grooming me like that XD

After my work out I popped him home and had a bath then did my diary

tomorrow is stew morning, and work

going to watch anime and go bed.

I am done.

Strawberry Bunny hoodie

 Evening

we were up til 11:30pm, I was so tired but was making the most of my last late night

I woke up at 2:30am for a wee then slept til 8am

We decided to go for a morning walk but as it was cold it was really setting my asthma off

so not fair, im not gonna not go for a walk jsut cus its cold and I have asthma

but I had to use the inhaler 7 times >.> makes you feel unfit when youre panting for breath

we got back at 10:30am and I went straight to mums for a bit and cut truffs fur, talked to my dad, wished my brother all the best of luck with his new job tomorrow

came home at 12:20pm for my lunch

but I was so exhausted and cold, I helped Jack outside on the ladders as he was fixing a loose house brick, i came in and crawled into bed I was so cold. My hands and feet were like ice. Jack read next to me

his mum and step dad came over at 3 and stayed til 5:30pm

we talked about all sorts, Oz enjoyed the extra attention. His mum gave Jack a delayed christmas present which was a selection box and she gave me a bag of unwanted clothes from his 16 year old sister

then we did dinner

after dinner I checked out these clothes and OMG

I was in heaven!! theyre so cute, punky, cosplay

It was like christmas. And theyre new!! I didnt know they were new I thought they were hand me downs. I should have given her some money. So I got 3 skirts, 2 of which came with matching leg warmers, then a vest sleeveless jumper. I m gonna wear a skirt and leg warmers tomorrow ^^

I went for a bath once i had taken Oz home~

and now its 8:20 and Jack is in the bath now

I have had zero time to myself today

yay my last day and not a moment to my self T^T but all well -_____- guess ill wait for the weekend....

tomorrow is the first day back of school and first school day of 2022. Kids are being made to wear masks indoors now for the first 3 weeks. But Nigel said his country are just giving kids an extra week off after christmas. which is a sensible thing to do. but hey this is england, when do we take the pandemic sensibly?? we're expecting a lot of people probably wont be at school. Tomorrow the kids come in for a covid test, wednesday kids come in as normal. So tomorrow shouldnt be too bad and we dont start til 8:30am and hopefully finish early too!

so here is my hoodie that I spent my christmas holiday making! I am pleased with it. Its made from 2 blankets and I think I improve each time I make a jacket. Its all self taught anyway

Science Club Poster

 Evening~~

I couldnt sleep last night, I was just restless really. 

I ended up making the draw string bag for mum. From start to finish took me just under 2 hours ^^ and even after I went to play pokemon in bed I still couldnt settle. So I got up and was painting my nails til 11pm which is when I asked Jack to took me in for two reasons

1. my nails were wet and that weighted blanket NEEDS both hands

2. Jack asked me to get him to took me in, he insisted.

So I went to get him and he said he would be there in a minute, so I waited, and waited, 10mins later I went to go get him. He got carried away T^T so I guilted him XD

I was awake til 1am just thinking about one thing and another. I finally slept and woke up at 8am. I was sure to wake Jack up. As I needed him functioning for shopping

Shopping was DEAD. Like no one in there! it was bliss. I was also experiencing zero anxiety

maybe its a combo of the shop being dead and me sleeping. You can cope so much better when youre not drained off life.

We got home and brought Oz in for morning carrot and had a cup of tea then we set about making soup, biscuits, cooking meat. The usual sunday routine. 

we sat down for lunch and my soup was good ^^

after lunch I went to lay down but mum told me dad was going to cut the trees and bushes behind my house so I jumped out of bed. Not that he came over he just went straight into it. I did keep checking in with him to see if he wanted a drink or anything but think he was quite happy being destructive and making a mess which is what he does best!

I went on ebay and brought a few hair accessories - checkered. and checkered earrings.

really into checkerboard at the moment. Dont like white and black checkered board tho, reminds me of racing too much.

Then I worked on my science work I had do - as I didnt work much on my last working from home day I did. I wanted to get the science club poster done. I needed to make a template so we can use it year after year. So i worked on that, took breaks and things but got it done 10mins before I dished dinner up, as I was doing it whilst dinner was cooking!

Jack was impressed with it ^^

then we had dinner which was good :) 

now just doing my diary with Oz, I am gonna do some just dance soon :)

actually I am gonna do my eye lashes. I need to dye them before school :) 

so yeah I  have things to do. Jack is on his computer but says he will be with me tonight

tomorrow

both our mothers want to see us! so im not sure when thats all happening.

need to get ready for school. and not sure what else. do what we like I suppose

Photo of me and granny from 2005

 Evening~~

I kinda gave up waiting for midnight last night

we did stay up longer and I was hand sewing something on my jacket and jack was reading next to me. Then we played pokemon in bed but I didnt want to wake up late in the morning and ruin half my day. So I crawled into a ball and tried to sleep, I heard the fireworks at midnight then slept til 3am to which I needed a wee. Then I slept til 8am

This morning I cleaned Oz out and it looked so nice out that Jack suggested we do a walk

I wanted to go shops just to get out. I felt quite penned in and the looming sense of school on the horizon. So we decided to walk to TK MAXX and yeah we left the house at 10am and got back at 12....

the shop was dead. No one was shopping there was also next to nothing on the shelves. It was a bit of a wasted journey but nice to get out. I got a pair of trainers reduced from £65 to £6 and face sheets reduced from £8 to £4. So yeah that was alright really

then we had to walk back

I was so tired and achy

It wasnt cold or anything it was just a long time to be on my feet

so we got home, got lunch then I tried to go sew but felt so tired and achy and grouchy

Jack told me to go bed but I didnt want to but in the end I went for 45mins and felt no better, so turned to drugs and felt a bit better

I sat doing my jacket, the jacket that has tested me all holiday. To be honest I have had enough of seeing it!! But because I want it to look good and improve on my jacket making skills I have been taking my time with it. I brought Oz in at 3pm and sat with him whilst working on my jacket as some of it I was hand sewing - tacking. Then I left him to sew it up, only left him 5mins he was fine.

Then I did dinner which Jack really enjoyed and its so cute when we come through with dinner as Oz comes running up to us wanting his evening carrot - i love watching him then run off with it. Like Id take it back! 

I then rang mum as she wanted to talk to me, nothing major it was all mundane but think she needed to talk to a female. Then I had a bath, then looked at how to make a lined draw string bag as mum wants me to make one for her friend. I dont mind doing it at all. I just want to get it right.

I had asked my brother to photoshop an image of me and granny, which I then want to frame and give to mum on mothers day. I said it can be a joint present as hes edited it and I will buy the frame.

but his skills are so good

heres what he produced for me

the original

This was taken 2005 - I am 13 here. What a precious photo tho. Me and my granny. I would give anything to have 5 minutes with her again

I might start the draw string bag tonight as Jack is gaming with theo til late. Told him id rather him game late tonight that tomorrow or monday. i want to get into a good sleep routine before school. so I am by myself tonight as I just took Oz to bed.

tomorrow is food shop, back into our sunday routine~

Last day of 2021

 Evening~~

It's the last day of 2021! 

I got off to sleep ok last night but woke up at 1am for a wee then slept til 8am and left Jack in bed he woke up at 9:30am

but jesus christ waking up, I felt like I had been in a car accident in the night

I hurt a lot from my massage -_______-

I worked on my jacket and mum came over at 11am for a cup of tea and brought Ozwald's birthday present too, it looks good. A tube made of willow I am sure he will like it. He gets it next friday when he turns 5! Mum said she will bake a cake ^^

I had lunch then did a bit more sewing but I was so tired and crippled, I reluctantly went to bed for an hour. When I got up I asked Jack if we could go for a short walk. I felt so exhausted doing our 40min walk. We came in and had a cup of tea

then I did some more sewing, the sleeve cuffs really challenged me >.> I was patient and got it done but it took far longer than it should have...

we did dinner, it was a different meal. it was left over chicken with scrambled egg in a wrap, then salad on the side. Yeah it was good. We also finished darker than black :) not sure what we are going on to next actually

Then I had a bath, but I could hear Oz thudding in the living room, Jack was trying to calm him down but its me he wants. So I got out and dressed and fussed him. I cut Jack's hair as well as he was a bit untidy to say the least.

Now just doing my diary on the living room floor with him

Not sure what we are doing tonight and how long I will keep Oz inside for.

we said we might play pokemon in bed til midnight and I might keep Oz in til 9ish 

I shall see. Depends how tired I am and how the fire works are.

But anyway this is the last post of 2021!!

So this year....lets see.....

well first off my goals for this year which I set this time last year were

to keep working full time

to be able to look after myself in my home and working life

to get my craft room up and running and to do all my craft work from my own home

to keep up with my art and crafts and japanese - its important to find time for myself

to not get snowed under with life and put too much on myself

to put myself first, ask for help, not be hard on myself, and bloody look after myself more

So I am still working full time - however I did have practically all of the summer term off sick from work. I think I burned myself out. With work, the house, exercising, dieting. Looking back, I really wasnt kind to myself...

Look after myself in home and working life - I am still exercising each day and eating home cooked food. But once again I know I havent been totally able to look after myself I suppose. I do self destruct myself. I rely on Jack to help a lot with the house work. But I am trying. Its hard as this is the first full year of working AND living from the family home. Its A LOT

my craft room! its done really! its so much better than when we moved in. It feels like MY room and its so nice to be able to leave stuff out each day without having to pack it all away. I LOVE my craft room. I am still doing wall art but theres no rush with that and i might get some shelving but not sure yet. All my fabric is over and my sewing stuff so I can do my stuff from here now :) I have a lovely welsh dresser full of my paper crafts. The under the stairs cupboard is full of fabric. To be honest I am still learning where I have put everything...

keeping up with arts and craft, well I know I didnt do as much as what I did in 2020, as I have a house now and a full time job. Both require time and energy....T^T so my arts and crafts has suffered however I am still doing them. I didnt give them up! I still do Duolingo app on my phone each day and I was in the top 5% of the hardest workers on it this year ^^ I am also reading Japanese Kanji information posts on instagram. So I am still educating myself on Japanese

and as for putting too much on myself....well I know I have been too hard on myself. I expected a lot on myself in the summer months. I was losing weight and trying to do the house up and work and yeah it was a lot on me. I guess I wasnt asking for help. I burned myself out and ended up being no good to anyone. Jack had to go to work by himself. I was around the house in a coma like state just recovering. It wasnt fun and probably could have been prevented.

what happened this year?

well in the last month I have lost 3 people, they have sadly passed away. One being Karen who was very important to me, she did so much for me and helped me recover from my illness. She met me at 20 when I was at my worst and really helped me. The other was Lynn's husband den who was such a character and always treated me to food, and sewing things. He was very kind to me. And i could tell he loved Lynn who had been mistreated by men, I was happy she had someone like him in her life. Lastly was Brian, my mum walks with his wife and I used to run with him when I used to be in running club 3 years ago. Mum still walks with his wife each week and has supported her through his sudden illness, he was very gentle and kind.

we lost Molly mole, she was so lovely and raised Truffle and Tillie. Mum still misses molly and tillie has become a mini mole XD

My friends - most of them - have turned 30! we are entering our 30's the next decade of life. Some have got married, planning weddings, planning children. 30's looks like it will bring a lot of changes. And potentially change our friendship dynamic but I am not afraid I want to embrace the change. I know that children arent an option for me but I wish to support my friends who do choose to have children.

we did a lot of the house up, we had our bathroom ripped out start of January and finished end of January and I love our bathroom, I clean it every week without fail. We started on the garden and made a good dent in it, all to try make it more manageable for ourselves but we are yet to finish. We decorated every room tho. Id like the kitchen ripped out but its money....

I started my biology GCSE, which I find difficult but I would like to continue and see it through over the next few years

so what it is it I want for this year?

Well I know I want to get more of the garden done!!! Get to a point where its easy to manage

keep going with my biology GCSE, ask for help if I need it without worrying about looking stupid

I want to keep going with my exercises mainly my weights. I want to become stronger. I dont want to be muscly I am not into that look but I just want to be stronger and strengthen my joints.

too keep enjoying living with my Jack and love him to pieces as I do. I want our relationship to remain strong like it has done this year. We are certainly a lot stronger this year for living together.

I want to try and take better care of myself. I need to stop and rethink before i burn myself out. Its not fair to myself and does no one any favours if I become in such a state. So I think I need to be more honest with how I am actually feeling. Put myself first instead of work, instead of pleasing others, instead doing things in the day i THINK i should be doing. I  do not need to live up to pressures I put on myself. No one put these pressures on me, so why should I do it to myself?

to try and take a few more photos of myself. I think I took about 2 or 3 of myself this year and even then they had to be taken on a good mental day. I have been hating the way I look. And why? why should I feel this way? because of this, I have no way to physically look back. I have no evidence of myself. and its....sad....I know I will regret this. So I need to get over the way I am feeling about myself and proudly take photos of myself. for my future self

I think these are all things I can work on in the year. Its still difficult with corona so I had to choose more mindfully. And theres things Id love to do with the house but thats a joint decision and one based on money AND my stress levels/mental ability.

so I think thats it

I hope my friends and family are healthy this year, I am very lucky to have had anther year with my amazing bunny. I hope hes around this time next year!

Let's welcome 2022 with a smile its twenty-tutu~

last massage of the year and it was good~

 Evening

My pierced ear is sore >< 

Last night I couldnt sleep I was aching and felt very sick

think taking tablets on a salad didnt help matters so Jack got up with me and I had some fruit loaf and biscuits and I did feel better

we were back in bed for midnight

I dreamed again

I also got 10 hours sleep

making it 10am when i woke up....> <

My mum rang me and said she was on a walk and could she pop in for a brew so she did that at 10:45am so I just about had time to sort my self out she came in when I was just finishing my skin care off

its good to see her tho

I then did 40mins of yoga and really ached afterwards

we had lunch

then I did some sewing and my jacket it looking more like a jacket now ^^

then I had a cup of tea with Oz and Jack before I went to my massage

which felt so damn good 

I came in had a bath, did dinner, and felt wiped out after all that

I am done -_____- Jo is ready for bed

told jack to go game with theo as I need an early night >< I am so shattered

so I will go have a hot chocolate, play pokemon, sleep.

thats me done

tomorrow

just sewing really~

couldnt remember how much id taken ^^;

 Evening

I was by myself last night which I told Jack - several times - its fine

and it was 

But I didnt count on aching as much as I did

and I took extra pain killers and tried to sleep

I heard someone say - a mans voice - "are you ok?" so that made my heart hammer, obviously no one was there I do just hear things on the odd occasion 

it was 1:30am when I looked the time and i was like "man" T^T

next thing I knew I could hear footsteps outside at the side of the house, I think I must have been asleep about half hour, so I was half asleep listening thinking "just what is jack doing?"

then when I woke up a bit more I could hear Jack was actually in the bathroom

but I could also hear these footsteps outside, so I laid and listened

then outside wasnt going on so I was like "just what the hell!?"

when Jack came out the bathroom did I notice for the first time that those footsteps sounds were actually a very odd popping noise my stomach was making. it was a very odd sound. I was still like half asleep

I could feel my heart hammering tho. When Jack climbed into bed I told him I was awake

he asked if I was ok and it was like 2am

I said "no my stomach doesnt sound right, my heart is hammering and i feel sick and not well"

he asked "how much have you had"

and when I thought about it

i didnt know

I actually couldnt remember how much I had taken from 9pm onwards....

so of course this panicked him. He tried not to panic but i could tell he was worried

he offered to get up with me and make me some fruit loaf as usually eating helps

I had earlier at 9pm a milk hot chocolate and at 11ish I had a biscuit

so I had had something

we got up and he turned the lights on and was like "jesus Jo you dont look good"

I looked at myself and I looked like a druggy, I just looked awful

he made me fruit loaf and we were up til 3am til I felt a bit better and he said I looked better but blamed it all on his self

i said "how is this your fault!?" he said "cus I wasnt around to see you take drugs, I wasnt around to make you fruit loaf"

not his fault. I wasnt self inflicting myself or anything I just was getting desperate as nothing was working and kinda forgot how many drugs I had taken ><

safe to say he's decided not to game tonight XD

so we went to bed at 3am and he fell asleep like instantly

and was snoring

I still couldnt sleep so I got up, went on my laptop, pinned some fabric, was up til 4:30am anyway

I had set an alarm for 8am as I needed to get up for food shop

So I did get some sleep, and even managed to have a dream

we got the food shop done but I felt a bit rough round the shop

we got back and had a cup of tea then I went to bed for 90mins

I got up we had lunch then I went over to mum's for a bit to see her and her freshly bathed sows then I came in at 3pm finally got to do some sewing.

did some dinner which was salad. salad that was obviously cold. cold food gives me stomach ache

how can i forget!? so i had stomach pains for a while

I could not be arsed to do a work out but did about 25mins of weights

had a bath now I am gonna watch anime and have hot chocolate and play pokemon in bed ^^

tomorrow

just got a massage at 4pm so I plan on doing some yoga before then

I also would like to do some sewing as I hardly did any today probably less than an hour