a day of just me and my brother

 Konbanwa~~~

I slept okish last night and when I woke up this morning I thought I felt ok

but when I actually started moving round the house, I felt like I was carrying a sack of bricks. My body felt heavy and exhausted. My stomach was off I had digested nothing. So all in all I was drained of life. I was glad I was not going school

I did 40mins of yoga, 20 of those minutes were with Oz but he was starting to be a nuisance so I took him home

My brother came over at 8:45am and we had a cup of tea together then cracked on with some work

I was working on the drawing for jacks phone case. 

I went to bed at 10am tho as I had been up since 5:50am cus I got up with jack

did some more work, took breaks, had lunch, went back to bed, kept checking on Oz who was lazy today and then mummy came over at 3pm for 90mins which was nice to see her. Then she left and Jack came home at 5ish and my brother finished his work and put a new screen protector on and he left I did dinner and Jack is shattered. His eyes are red and he is just tired

I told him he doesnt need to game tonight. Gaming should be enjoyable not an endurance so he eventually said he wasnt going to game especially as they would be playing late. I was relieved as he just looked so tired I didnt want him pushing himself. As well we are seeing his friends tomorrow and I rather him be refreshed and enjoy that rather than gaming.

So I need to have a bath yet and clean the bathroom but after that I will have the evening free~

so probably hot chocolate, anime and maybe my switch as I havent had the energy to play pokemon in weeks!

tomorrow

meeting the guys at pudding pantry at 10:30am and then as its close by I might go see where this tooth gem place is so it will help my anxiety

got Oz to clean out before I go out as I like to make him fresh

and dont know what else I will do tomorrow

but it was a different day today. Nice to spend time with my brother and not kill myself at work

stressful fire alarms

 Evening

I slept well but god did I NEED more sleep -_______- just need a long long sleep

but we got up and got ready for school

We got to school and saw chris and the head care taker in the reception area - odd

they told us "the fire alarm has been going off since 7am we are waiting for repairs"

so down our end of the school the fire alarm was stuck on.....a fire alarm that goes in to the danger unsafe section of decibel readings.

It was so loud in science you had to shout. I last 2mins before I decided I was much too stressed out for this so I left Jack and Lizzi and came back to reception as the alarm wasnt on in that part of the school. I was stressed out. This was not how I wanted to start my day.

Staff we stressed, anxious, didnt know what to do as it was 8am and kids start coming in at 8:30am

what do you do?

the head teacher rocked up at 8:10am

and the care taker gave him the run down and a decision needed to be made but he said to keep the kids in the hall and canteen until the engineer came

the engineer said it could be up to 4 hours

I didnt know when it was gonna end

I was sat in an uncomfortable seat which made me ache and stress was making me ache

terrible

jack told me to go and work from home but I didnt want to leave him with all this

but when it got to 9am - so the alarm had been on 2 hours straight - giving everyone banging headaches, the engineer said he was 15mins away

by 9:30am the alarm had been turned off and classes went ahead

but care taker told us the alarms still arent functioning as normal so if they were triggered they would go off for hours again. He said science and DT were banned from practicals today and tomorrow. Which is fair enough as we could screw it up for the whole of the school if an experiment gets to hot or something. Head of science didnt seem to see an issue and wanted pracs to go ahead as usual. Jack said no. I was so stressed out.

I wanted to cry in a corner, go home and sleep, run away

it was just awful. I couldnt cope

I had a cup of tea and a biscuit then went to my lesson which was hard going as luke was in his eliment talking about leaves. It ended up being a whole hour of talking and we didnt do the practical! he was enjoying himself too much XD i was struggling tho. I was so tired and drained and achy

The rest of the day was a real struggle. The computer system went down too. So we couldnt use the computers or printers. It was one thing after another. I had had enough. I was reaching breaking point. I couldnt take anymore noise ether

i got home, got dressed and went to bed for an hour

luckily it was just pizza for jack and leftover chicken for me which i put in a wrap. so he did the pizza and I did the wrap and had my cup of tea with it - i wasnt gonna miss out on that!

i was too exhausted to exercise so I didnt tonight

I had a bath, my brother rang. Hes working from home tomorrow so wanted to borrow my desk. I told him that I dont think I am going in tomorrow. I have nothing more to give after today. jack is fine with it. My brother is coming over 8:45am to 5pm and hes using my desk but its big enough for both of us to work at should we need to. 

so I will have company tomorrow at least as it can feel a long day by yourself.

I will miss my jack. When he comes home he will be playing online til late too

gotta get up at 6am with him to have breakfast with him and he is sorting out his own transport

I am sure I will pass the day somehow

so thats tomorrow really

bet mummy will come see me at some point too

just cant believe today.

hours of art at school

 Evening

I didnt sleep well

I had taken too much and felt rather sick, then kept waking up...in pain >.>

we have been watching MMO junkie before bed and I have been enjoying it. It was left on a cliff hanger last night tho so I am looking forward to it tonight! We are also really enjoying Magus bride. its so good and beautifully animated too.

This morning I could have quite easily have stayed home. But I spoke to jack when we had gone to bed saying i need a goal for my days and my days need to be structured as its all fallen off the page somewhat. He felt like he had let me down. So hes making an effort to right my to-do lists so I have structure and said if i get my jobs done then I can do display work and art.

So today at school, as luck would have it, i had like zero lessons or lessons were hardly anything was needed. Certainly no practicals! So I was prepped for 9:20am XD and I asked if it was ok to do art and he said it was fine. So I have been in my element today and did a lot of sitting. But last lesson of the day I did go help Luke in his class as he has a very needy bottom set of 8 children and it was big chemistry prac to do. So I thought id help him, help the kids, return the practical in a nice state for julia 

it all went well ^^ and its nice being involved with the children too for a change

we got home and mum was already here

I sat and had tea with her whilst Jack went off to play his switch, dont blame him

she had brought the sows over so I got a brief cuddle of them which was nice. Oz did not want to play outside but I said "if theyre outside you can be too!" mardy bun

Mum left and I scooped my bunny up and brought him inside so we could have dinner with him. We had the korean stew which did taste a lot better this time round.

I went on just dance for a bit but it was tiring, had a nice bath. Sat and wrote what meals I want on my birthday week XD only the best of course! so much meat XD

Now gonna grab hot choc and watch anime

I AM SHATTERED

tomorrow is school

hoping to do more art and I have my lesson and we are starting our new topic - bioenergetics 

fed up of these legs

 Evening

school wasnt too bad

and it was the teacher's 50th birthday I made the card for and I think she appreciated it. She brought cakes in only store brought and I didnt fancy it. I was hungry today tho

also today  I can't walk very well. Its just pain. Pain, pain and more pain

I am sick of

I couldnt even work out much at home cus it hurts to work out. it hurts to stand

i am fed up

half term is looming - my week off - my light at the end of the tunnel

but whats the point if I cant enjoy it!!!!

i saw mummy after school today which was nice

think i am seeing her again tomorrow

had no time for drawing or anything really tonight

not sure where the time actually went

tomorrow is stew morning and school

something that disgusted me was googling what a pug dog skull looks like

i cant unsee it.....

Jack's interview

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night, wasnt overly drugged out my head ether 

I felt anxious about school, simply because I would be holding down the fort 

I felt so sick. I drove this morning whereas jack usually drives but I felt he was too preoccupied with his job interview, which I could understand

so he got to school - in a suit - and many people wished him luck which was nice. He pushed his trolleys out and left! he was only in the building a total of 10mins!

Luckily no one bothered me all morning ^^ I was so relieved.

but I forgot to take breaks, usually I remember or have Jack telling me to SIT. But I think cus I was so out of routine with everything I just kept going and going and before I knew it is was time for our tea break >< so I made me and julia a brew and sat down to hear about her weekend and stuff. Then at 11am jack had been released and was walking back to school

I made him a strong sweet coffee and shared an orea packet with him

I was happy to have my jack back ^^

he told us how that school's science department was just a mess. Half the staff missing, no current head of science, and tiny labs, 3 prep rooms but one is out of use. Yeah he said he wanted none of that. Out right told them he didnt want the job! nice to know other places are struggling too I guess. I know school are all as bad as one another but yeah....

so we got the rest of the day done

my afternoon was pretty easy

Luke told us he had the new pokemon game. He had only managed an hour so far I was like "an hour!> pff look at him over there! Mr. 12 hours!!!" XD yes my Jack has managed a fair few hours already XD I cant say i am interested in the game. Not my sort of game, plus looks  like PS2 graphics and I find the music repetitive and annoying. But hes happy. I havent slagged his game off to him but he mentioned the graphics being a bit disappointing 

we got home and despite my mummy not going walking with her friends, she also didnt want to come over. She said she had felt down all day and wasnt in the mood for company....my poor mummy.

I miss her

I want to comfort her

I cant wait to see her

tomorrow...

we had dinner which was nice, jack really enjoyed his. I made him 2 cobs with bacon, omelette and hash brown on it. I had sweet potato, beans and omelette.

I worked on my brothers coaster idea, and I think I am done. I will show it mum tomorrow and see what she says before I order it.

thinking of having it printed as a glass coaster for his new work desk.

got Jack's digital work to do next 

I went on just dance for 20 mins or so

Oz had a bit longer inside too, he has been fussed and spoiled 

Going to watch anime soon and go bed. Need sleep ><

tomorrow

just school and seeing mummy after school

ive been wearing all pink this week for work ^^ jo is cute~

New pokemon picture

 Evening

I couldnt be arsed to do my diary last night to be honest

I was overwhelmed with how much stuff I still had left to do and didnt want to waste  my sunday doing what I hadnt got done on the saturday! But Jack pulled me away from my desk and made me wind down for the evening as I would have pushed myself and kept going.

So yesterday, I cleaned Ozwald out and went to see my mum and brother. Mum ranted off about how much of a selfish insensitive arsehole dad had been on her birthday. But the rant wasnt that bad....turns out my brother had brunt of it on friday -____- that figures. But I could tell she was hurting. I felt so mad. I was hoping I didnt bump into dad as I think I would have laced into him and at the end of the day its none of my business

I came home and had a quick lunch with Jack, felt like death and went to bed. Jack's step dad turned up with his younger sister. I stayed in bed for a bit but then got up as I didnt want to be rude but also knew I didnt have energy for the whole of their stay round here.

James and Jack shared some male bonding time over the radiators. They shoving hosepipes up it and everything. Black sludge and yeah proper manly stuff. I was talking with his younger sister.

Then when they left my brother came over 10mins later! and he stayed for a bit which was nice as he doesnt come over that often. He stayed and talked and had changed my laptop battery and assessed it to see if it all works ok ^^ he also put a new screen protector on Jacks new phone.

He left and I got straight on with dinner which was good. Then I went on just dance and only managed 3 dances and was left panting like a dog, on the inhaler and in pain. It felt so unfair. I hated it so much.

this morning we got up and went food shopping which was ok apart from struggling to walk round the damn store.  I mean for the love of god when is this going to end!? its going on and on and its not fair. I was hurting and exhausted. Whats up with me!!!!?

came home and did the soup, cooked my meat for breakfasts, made biscuits, prepped the evening dinners fish. Then had porridge for lunch and then I went to bed for an hour

I got up and it was sunny and I really wanted to go a walk. I havent been for a walk with my jack for 2 weekends now simply cus I cant walk....its so sad

He did his chores and I got on with the science work I didnt finish on saturday. but I still have more to do however I was not prepared to spend my whole weekend doing it >.> so then I started working on some art work for jack. He says he would like a personalised phone case for his new phone. 

so i made a start, he hasnt seen it. and its not the pokemon he's asked for.....but when I told him I havent gone with the pokemon he wanted he said he trusted me.

I managed to do 10mins straight of arm weights and then I did some length strengthening after dinner I had a bath and got ready for school. Of course Oz has been fussed as he was inside 5 and a half hours today he is very spoilt and happy bun.

tomorrow

my Jack has his interview! so hes coming school with me to push his lessons out on trolleys then he is walking to the school. I am hoping hes back for lunch time. I wish him  luck. I am massively stressed out about it as I can barely walk or stand for long and I have got to run 6 labs without him. i hope the teachers dont stress me out. He says hes going to email them all and say hes out so to keep demands to a minimum XD 

My mum has txted me this evening saying shes had it out with dad, theyre not talking and its all crap. I truly feel for her and I hope shes ok. Its not nice arguing but I am also glad she has told him how skank he has been to her otherwise he would have got away with it and never known what a dick he was. or is in many cases. I just hope shes ok. My poor mummy. I have let my brother know as hes at his girlfriends house and has to go home to a house with atmosphere....

some birthday day out

 evening

I didnt sleep that well, waking up aching the usual.

I woke up at 5mins before the alarm so 5:55am T^T

I got up with Jack and brought Oz in and Jack got off on time

and I fell asleep for 2 and a half hours....just what the actual hell! I can not remember the last time I slept for so long in one go during the day. I must have just been exhausted. I got up and had the second half of my breakfast and a cup of tea. I needed to start work but I just couldnt. I still felt like I needed sleep. I procrastinated and I felt terrible for it. I felt like such a failure, I should have taken the day off sick not work from home. As I hadnt worked. I felt like I had let Jack and myself down. I was even tempted to ring him and tell him I had done NOTHING.

I think when my body is allowed rest it TAKES IT. It over takes. Like it worries when it will next get rest. I think I constantly battle with my chronic fatigue and dont even fully appreciate the rest my body needs. I am not good at rest. Jack was happy I had actually rested a bit today.

But after I had a lunch of carbs and sugar I found the energy and will power to start my work and I kept at it for hours straight. I brought Oz inside as he had enjoyed playing outside today which was nice. I kept doing bits of work and checking on him. Started dinner so it would be ready for Jack when he came home. 

We had dinner and we had a quick catch up but I kept talking to him whilst he did a few jobs and then I let him have a shower and go game

I managed to do a bit of exercise and it about killed me off. It wasnt even hard. I put Oz home and cleaned the bathroom somehow. Had a very hot bath. Now doing my diary. I will do a bit more work even tho its 9pm and I will finish it tomorrow. i dont feel happy with where I got up to.

Jack says its fine but I have a standard. 

My mum went out for the day with my dad but dad was a total arsehole by answering calls on his phone - work calls - calls that could wait as hes not at work. She even sent me a photo of him in the cafe on his phone ordering car parts....how bloody selfish. Its your wifes's birthday outing and you cant even give her a few hours of your time. Whats worse is since theyve been home my brother has txt to say what a foul mood hes been in all evening. I would absolutely lace into Jack if he had been like that with me. My mums way of coping was going for a walk by herself when she got home. I think to cool off so she didnt have a full blown argument as my dad isnt good as saying sorry or even acknowledging that hes in the wrong. So in my mums eyes its not worth the argument. To me id have to say it how it is otherwise how do they know? i cant let things simmer

I have since offered to go out with her tomorrow morning but I think shes content with me coming over tomorrow morning. I dont know what I will say to my dad if I see him

arsehole

so tomorrow

in the morning I have Ozwald to clean out and make fresh bunbun. Then I will see mum and my brother as he is changing my laptop battery and putting a new screen protector on Jack's new phone. Then I think after lunch Jack's step dad is coming over to help him clean out a blocked radiator as the one in the living room is blocked full of crap and gives out no heat. It is freezing in there.